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Female Player or just a ho ho @#$*?

A lot of women like to say “I’m a player” or “I’m treating these guys just like they treat us”. They come to this conclusion because they sleep with a bunch of guys and feel like they don’t get emotionally attached and are just using these people for sex. They claim they “control their sexuality” and identify with Samantha of “Sex and The City” (yes … I watched the show) … but sadly … 95% of them are mistaken. To that mistaken majority … listen to me now:

YOU ARE A ho ho @#$*!

I’m just tired of these girls who are really promiscuous and loose thinking they are doing something special. You’re not! Just because you’re capable of sleeping with a lot guys does not make you special. Some call it a double standard (because a guy who can sleep with a lot of women may very well be a player) … and it may be … but then again life is filled with double standards. Fresh manicures are necessary for men. Short hair looks better on guys. Paying on the first date is almost a requirement for males. Accept them.

To be a female player, there are certain requirements to be called a female player. Here is a small list of criteria defining the “Female Player”:

You have a solid “team” of highly desirable men
You can’t be a player if you only have one guy. And you can’t be a player if your guys are all the people nobody wants. Any woman who considers herself a player, needs to have at her disposal a group of men that genuinely want her, show it, and she is not just sleeping with. You can sleep with people on the team … I’m not saying that … but if they’re staying around because of sex (as a woman … its almost impossible for you to know this) … then you’re not a player (and you might be a ho in his eyes) … but if its not the case … you might be a player.

You don’t have to sleep with a guy to get dinner, dates, and attention
It’s easy to get sex from a guy. Often times we’ll sleep with anyone as long as they are willing. Having money spent on you is significantly harder, but still not that hard. A lot of guys, especially the easy ones, are quick to spend money. When you get a combination of time & money; that is significant. Time being the key thing … as guys, we’re stingy with it … so to get a lot of time without giving sex for a prolonged period of time (2+ months) from several people … you might just be a player.

Your guys stay “in the game” for long periods of time (3+ months)
Most guys suffer from Relationship ADD and are quick to lose interest. I know this happens with plenty of males … so if you find that the people you are “entertaining” stay around for extended periods of time (without sex … cause sex will keep anyone around for ages) … then you might be a player.

Your guys say they love you and show it
“We don’t love them hoes” … a famous quote by Snoop Doggy Dogg and a general law of the land for men. If your a hoe or thought of as a hoe … then he should not and probably will not show you real love. If your people truly love you … you might be a player.

Your guys get mad and upset at you
Hoes and jumpoffs are not worth getting upset over. We might be mad that the “free sex” is over, but general we’re not going to expend that type of energy over a “second class citizen”. If the people on your team express hurt, caring, anger, disappointment, and other emotions his friend will clown him for … you might be a player.
So, there you go, I hope this was useful to the women out there … because this one goes out to you. I’m just tired of randy shagsons thinking they’re special (and not all women are hoes … I’m specifically talking to the hoes) because the title of player is not easily earned. Just to argue for the other side, there are a lot of guys thinking they are players (many of them simpletons in reality) … and I will touch on that subject shortly. Have a great weekend.

 

Jacked from SBM

THE ONE

Before I get to today’s post which actually shows a part of me some of you might not know. I’d just like to let you guys in on a lil’ something. Well, I and a blogger friend of mine are working on something I’m really really excited about. Watch this space for more information.

Today’s post is a little poem I wrote a while back. Actually, almost ten years ago (I don’t know how I keep these things). Is it still relevant? What do you think, let me know.

 

THE ONE

I’ve always thought of the one as that person:
Handsome, beautiful, focused, different and hopefully successful
Some people think they’ll know upon a first encounter
What happens if you find out days or even months after
Love never turns out to be what/who we expect
It just pops up and leaves such a great effect
Is it possible to package/pre-design love?
That’s a mystery yet to be solved
For some, their love is driven by money or fame
But love certainly isn’t a game
You never see it coming
True love never gives you warning
Just like that, you’re swept off your feet
You know, all that stuff about can’t sleep, can’t eat
I bet it goes further than that
Unfortunately I can’t present you with all the facts
I guess we all have to wait our turn to really find out
But upon finding the right one, I’m sure you’ll have no doubts

Ode to the big girl

Let me preface this by saying I’m not a “chubby chaser” or anything of the sort, but the other day I saw a woman that some might consider a “big girl” that caught my eye. She wasn’t big in the sense of obese, but big in terms of height and just the overall “solidness” of her frame. She was older, pretty in the face, had her hair done and a well put together outfit. She was proof positive that just because someone is a “big girl,” it doesn’t mean that she can’t have it going on. It got me to thinking, are there any plus-size sisters that do it for me?

Although I’m a slim guy of average height and not trying to be towered over by my woman, there are a few plus-sized sisters that have caught my eye. I’m a brother that can appreciate some meat on a woman’s bones as long as it’s healthy and she maintains some sort of keen fashion sense—that goes for any woman regardless of size—you’re okay in my book. In terms of attraction, mental compatibility is always the most important thing, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say physical attraction didn’t play a major role as well. As long as a woman is shapely and confident enough to turn me on when she’s naked with socks on we should be good to go. The lady lumps just gotta be ladylike and not just lumps (Sorry).

There are plenty of women that don’t fit the stereotypical mold that are quite attractive. I see them every day in my travels and more and more of them are starting to get into the spotlight. It’s like the powers that be are finally rethinking that outdated model from the World War II era that has long been the benchmark for what the “average” size for a woman is. It’s long overdue, because when you have a chart that says the average woman is a size 8 when most real women today are a more like a size 12, it’s was only a matter of time before the staunch world of fashion and entertainment caught on.

In honor of this new era of the big girl, I decided to compile my own personal list of sisters that some might consider “plus-size” but I feel have it going on. Fellas, chime in if you feel these ladies do it for you, too. Who said big can’t be beautiful? (Sorry, Mo’Nique didn’t make my list:).

 

JILL SCOTT: Ms. Scott is just a beautiful woman with a glowing personality and aura. Anyone that can’t see that is just plain blind.

 

 

 

TOCCARA JONES: Personality for days—among other things—but this former ANTM contestant’s biggest draw is her confidence.

 

 

 

JENNIFER HUDSON: J-Hud is a definite looker. While she might be a little too hood for Hollywood at times, she’s all good in my book.

 

 

 

QUEEN LATIFAH: Wont do this post justice without her.

 

 

 

JORDIN SPARKS: Jordin is a definite cutie with a warm smile, she seems comfortable in her own skin and can sing to boot… How I’m supposed to breathe with no air, no air…

 

 

 

MIA AMBER DAVIS: You might remember Mia from her role of Rhonda in Road Trip (see main pic above), but she definitely holds it down for the big girls as an accomplished plus-size model.

 

 

Remixed but Jacked from NWSO

How to make love to a woman

So, I saw this movie titled “How to make love to a woman” over the weekend – very nice movie #IMO and it inspired today’s post so, here are some pointers that will help next time you’re making love to your woman….enjoy.

Put her in ‘The Mood’: Before you have sex, you have to put your woman in the mood. This involves setting up the right kind of environment, which will enhance her pleasure. To put her in the mood, your focus should be to create an atmosphere, which emphasizes sensuality.

Use foreplay: Foreplay is one of the most important things to learn about how to make love to a woman. Using foreplay is the best way to transition from a conversation to having sex. Typically foreplay involves kissing, “heavy petting” and sensual massages. The rule of thumb is to really focus on her pleasure and start building up intensity.

Use your mouth: Towards the end of foreplay, you need to go oral. Start slowly and use your tongue and fingers. Since women like different things in oral sex, try to experiment with various oral sex techniques.

You’re probably wondering what’s going on here. Well, don’t think too far. Yes. I started the post and canceled it a few paragraphs down the line. The question is why? As I was typing realized I had gotten it all wrong. I didn’t want to join in with everyone else and mislead those poor people who truly are clueless when it comes to making love to a woman. All that stuff I wrote above, well, to be honest, you’ll probably see a variation of it somewhere online but what I’ve come to realize is that there should never be one standard answer to the question: how do you make love to a woman. The reason is simple; we were all made in different special ways. Some like it rough, others like it slow. Some want foreplay, other don’t (believe it or not). Some want the lights on; others will not function if they see your face.

In writing this post, I actually sampled some opinions; I asked some female friends how they wanted to be loved in bed. What they did was to further justify the point I’ve now arrived at. Before you hiss and walk away, I’m not saying there are no foundational rules; I mean, every woman wants to feel that sensual desire, that hunger for her when she’s in bed and as often as you can, try to make sure her train gets to ORLANDO (go figure).

All those instructions about kissing here or kissing there, saying this or saying that, will only get you in trouble (this is the point where a lot of guys go: he doesn’t know what he’s talking about; I’m awesome in bed……… err…. did I hear a sister say shut-up? Thank you). The fact is, except you’re perfectly sexually compatible, the first couple of times you do it with a new person will probably only be average. Why? Cause you have to learn the new territory. Sex was designed as a “team event” that should end-up good for both parties so it’s only natural for everyone who starts the journey to want to get to “their” desired end. Translation: If she see’s that you’re shifting off the rail, she’ll guide you. Guys need to learn to drop all the macho-I’ve-boned-a-thousand-girls title at the door when getting with a new partner.

Humble thyself and watch out for that little flinch when she doesn’t like it, that endearing moan that means don’t stop, that smile even with her eyes closed that says yes, that was amazing. And what happens when you don’t see any of these? Ask! Odé. Not while you’re doing it. And certainly not in a student asking a teacher kinda way.  You should know this person, you should know how best to put it and if you’re lucky, she might just tell you without you asking. Don’t take it as an insult. It’s called constructive criticism. Use them to construct bridges that’ll get you both to ORLANDO when next you get a shot.

*Please Note
The title of this post is how to make LOVE to a woman. Not how to f*ck a woman. If she’s just a booty call or a one-night-stand, this post might not totally apply to you.

There you go, you’ve heard my opinion, time to share yours. Hit me up with your comments and views. Cheers and s/o to Uti for repping us yesterday.

Top 7 reasons to take off your wedding ring

I have heard people make the argument that you are never supposed to take of your wedding ring …What! Never take off your wedding ring? That’s craziness. So as a young unmarried bachelor, I have looked into my future and come up with my list of: When you can take of your wedding ring!
1. It’s itching
This is self-explanatory. Leave something on too long and the skin under it gets a little irritated. Let your finger breathe. Besides, if Meaghan Goode suddenly walks past me … I assume it would get really itchy and start to burn too.

2. Show someone the inscription
Assuming you got an inscription from your love one on the inside, won’t you want your best friend to see it?

3. You’re walking through the ‘hood’ and might be robbed
Not just any hood … I mean its got to be the ‘zanga’. Like where Thugnificent of “The Boondocks” grew up. Like anything might happen, the police don’t know the place exists, and babies selling weed. She’ll be mad if you don’t come home with it.

4. You’re about to get your finger licked by a stripper
Because it’s a stripper … its OK to get your finger licked (she a professional. Is your husband going to get jealous of your gynecologist?). But … not all strippers are to be trusted … so you might want to take of that platinum band before she wets your finger.

5. You’re smacking an ass that isn’t your wife
I respect the sanctity of marriage. Therefore, if you’re going to smack a random ass, perhaps one of the dancers at your friend’s bach eve, you should respect the ring and not befoul it with the ass sweat of another.

6. You’re cupping a stripper’s jugs
Again, its a stripper so its not wrong, and same principal as #5 … don’t befoul the ring.

7. To prove you “still got it” to hating friends.
If any of you watched Martin, there was an episode where Tommy and Cole told Martin that the only thing attracting women to him was his wedding ring and that he couldn’t “pull ‘em” like he used to. As a man, we have an obligation to prove our friends wrong no matter how dumb and pointless the challenge may be (had a friend who jumped through a campfire cause … well … another story). So he therefore took off his ring (and lost it) to prove to them he could still get women … which he did!

So there it is. If you are caught in photographs without a wedding ring, just refer to this handy list to quickly and easily justify the removal of the ring. Any other reason’s you can think of, please help out by leaving a comment. I know there has to be one I’m missing.

**Disclaimer**: This is a joke.  Leave your wedding ring on peoples.

 

Jacked from SBM

The Real Woman: Endangered Species?

I’m in the mood for trouble this morning. I’ve had little or no sleep and I had to be at work before 7am so why not. I came across a debate online last week about women wanting simple things, which we men often cant give. When most women are asked what it is they look for in men, the answer almost always goes something like, … I just want a real man; caring, affectionate, financially stable and of course, good looking.

Well, I agree with that answer. Truth is it’s similar to the response expected from guys. However, upon closer examination, I singled out the term “real man”. Yes. What exactly do they mean by that. I ask this question because turning the tables and taking the literal meaning, the term “real woman” means something completely different and probably close to extinction nowadays.

Hold on. Don’t yell just yet. The word ‘real’ is defined as: something actually existing as a thing or occurring in fact; not imagined or supposed in the dictionary but maybe that’s too broad. For the purpose of this write up, I shall narrow my scope to looks. I was at the Lord of the Ribs event last night (reason for my short night) and most some of the gurls I saw got me wondering just how ironic things are. Women expect us to be completely honest but the same cant be said for how some women present themselves to men. Their words may be true but that’s where it stops. Eyes, hair, body e.t.c. Some women go to great lengths to create an alternate version of themselves. It’s gotten to the point where men have to openly question if a woman is “real or not.”

Why are women doing this? Is there a belief that this is what a man wants? Or are they simply attempting to mask their own insecurities? One thing’s sure; the more I talk to other men about this, the more I notice the growing displeasure with this alarming upward trend of “fake” women. Before you bite me, let me state that I’m not a cave man and I’m all for women getting dulled up to look nicer. Lip gloss – brilliant. Lipstick – sexy. (Or should I say, can be sexy). Hair, nails e.t.c  but as with most things in life, there’s that line (however thin) between just enough and excessive.

To further illustrate, I have included some images below. Look through them and please share your comments (especially the women). Deuces.

 

Eyelashes

 

I love lashes, when they don’t look like thorns. Imagine waking up next to a girl after a night out to find her lashes somewhere on her face.

 

Butt Injections

 

 

Body Magic

 

 

 

Booty Pads

 

 

Lace front

 

Honestly, I don’t mind these but I’ve spoken to guys who absolutely hate them.

Boobie Traps (Why Men Can’t Stop Staring at Your Breasts)

I went to a homegirl’s birthday party last week. Me and my friend were posted up at the bar when our friend Wendy popped up (and out). As soon as I turned around to greet her, all I could see were her breasts, which where right at eye level and on full display thanks to her buttoned down button-up blouse. Since Wendy is like a sexy stepsister to me—fly as hell but too cool to go there with—I immediately raised my hand to shield the view of her fun bags and demanded she cover them up.

“What are you talking about,” she chuckled. “They’re just titties.”

“Yes, I know, but we don’t need to be looking at your breasts right now,” I replied. “So put them away.”

“Whatever.”

“I’m not gonna fall into your boobie trap.”

“What the hell is a boobie trap?”

“Those,” I said, pointing at her chest.

A “boobie trap” is what I call a woman’s cleavage when she leaves it exposed. See, men are visual creatures and by nature we’re drawn to shapely women—especially to their, uh, frontal chest region. Maybe it’s something in our genetic makeup or that we’re just horn balls, but men like breasts and we look at them every chance we get. Half the time we don’t even know we’re doing it—it’s just an uncontrollable reflex.

I’ll be the first to confess that I’ve caught myself absentmindedly looking at a woman’s chest. I’ll never leer in a psycho, perverted kinda way, but my eyes tend to get drawn to just about 12 inches below a women’s eye level on a regular bases. I’m not trying to objectify you, degrade you or disrespect you, so when I find myself falling into a boobie trap I try my best to get out of it as soon as possible, like I did with Wendy.

As much as Wendy wants to play innocent, she knew exactly what she was doing when she put that shirt on and decided not to do those last few buttons. Because any woman rockin’ a low-cut blouse with a shiny necklace nestled oh so gently between her soft and supple bosoms (drool) knows that men’s eyes are gonna make a beeline straight to her cleavage. It’s even worst for top-heavy women wearing something revealing, because both men and women are probably gonna sneak a peak. There’s nothing wrong with looking, it’s just a matter of not being too disrespectful. Look but don’t touch. Stare but don’t leer. We mean no harm (well, most of us). One quick glance and we’ll be gone. But it’s like a Lays potato chip, sometimes you can’t have just one…peak. But that’s when you get…

Caught!!!
By the boss’ wife (uh-oh)
Caught!!!
By your best friend’s sister (sorry)
Caught!!!
By the girl across from you on the train/bus/plane, et al. (My bad)
Caught!!!
By the practically every damn woman (oops)

Fellas, I know we like to think we’re slick when we try to grab a quick glance, but we will always get caught. Women have some sort of built in radar that let’s them know when we’re looking at their girls. Some will make their disgust quite obvious, while others just ignore it because they’ve become immune to it. But that doesn’t mean that she didn’t catch you, homie. We’re just not as slick as we think we are.

Sometimes guys try to fight the natural instinct to look, which winds up being the most awkward thing in the world. That’s when a guy stares directly into a woman’s eyes as he’s talking to her to let her know his eyes are not wandering. Or, we do the complete opposite and look everywhere but below eye level. We’ll be looking at the top of your head or straight up at the ceiling. By time the conversation is over, we’ll know how many light bulbs are in every room. The goal is to do anything to stop from looking down, but if it’s a long conversation, you’re doomed to fail. The urge to look at a woman’s chest is just too strong. (Yes, it really is). Breasts aren’t going anywhere any time soon (Thank God), and as long as women keep setting their boobie traps, men are gonna get caught looking. Happy hunting, ladies.

Ladies, how often do you catch men looking at your chest? Are you flattered by it or disgusted? Does it depend on who’s falling into your boobie trap? Any women willing to admit to wearing low-cut tops just to get attention? Do some women use their boobie traps to get things out of men? How funny is it when you catch a guy trying not to stare but you know he wants to? Fellas, what joy do you get out of looking at a nice pair of boobies? How awkward is it for you when you try not to stare?

Let’s hear your coments, views, opinions…..

Jacked From: NWSO

Naija Weddings: 10 naked truths

So the date is set. The invitations, sent. The venue, booked. Aso Ebi – imported plus Ankara and houdine for engagement. MC and DJ – check, better still, we’ll get a live band or what the heck, get D’banj. Caterer nko? We got that. Drinks are even going to be served by another firm. Then we’ll throw in cocktails, small chops. Gifts? Hell no. We’re not having some random handkerchiefs or plastic-ware items handed out. We’ll do blackberries at the door, whatever we do; we have to out do the brides family cause they might end up giving out cars or something like that.
Welcome to the world of Nigerian weddings. According to an unofficial survey, it is considered as one of the top five industries in the country. I wont bore you with the details you already know. Today, I’ll be presenting you with Naija Weddings: 10 naked truths.

1. Bride price
According to Wikipedia bride price is “an amount of money paid by the groom or his family to the parents of a woman upon the marriage of their daughter to the groom.” Keyword being money here. So question is, who actually determines how much should be paid, on a second thought, pause, fast-forward and let’s ask ourselves, is this even necessary? What is really going on? Are women being bought as wives these days or maybe this is just tradition? And what happens when there’s a divorce?
I asked because times have changed; bride price is no longer limited to just money anymore. Forget that. Get your “future- father-in-law that brand new Honda or a fairly used Toyota Corolla. Don’t neglect your future ‘MIL’ now, she wants a plot of land too and tonnes of tubers of yam to last her a life time or better still, an okada that’ll get her to the farm (true story)….

2. Engagement Event?
I don’t understand the concept behind the engagement event? I thought the term engaged comes up once a guy proposes to a gurl and she accepts? Why then do we need to have a ceremony called the “Engagement”. This ceremony is pretty much the same thing as the traditional wedding. You have a court wedding; you then do the “engagement” and finish it up with the church. God forbid issues arise in future, which does the law recognize?

3. Awful MCs, DJs and Bands
Must we have wannabe comedians as MC’s. If you can’t afford Julius Agwu and you get Julius Agu, at least make sure he’s funny. Don’t punish your guests who already hate the fact that they have to face crazy traffic to get home cause you started late. And if you’re going to get a DJ (if it is absolutely important to you), why not try to get a good one. Same thing goes for bands. You can get a gospel band but who wants a band to lead praise worship at a wedding?

4. Venue
We have the church, the engagement venue and then the reception. Whoever said you couldn’t have all in the same place. Is there some sort of rule that says ministers/pastors can’t conduct a wedding ceremony outside churches? You tempt a pastor to get into a sermon when he’s in his church, hence the praise worship and actual alter calls during our weddings.

5. Aso Ebi
Aka school uniforms, aka let’s make some quick money. Can someone please explain the logic behind “aso ebi.” Also, I think a lot of people would like to know, is this just a Nigerian thing? Did I just hear someone also say “it’s tradition, deal with it?” Originated from where exactly? Let’s attempt to define the term aso ebi. Aso ebi is a fabric that’s usually worn by…?

6. Catering
Your guests are important and you should feed them right (having a controllable number of guests would help). However, since we cant control the number of guests, I wonder why people do selective catering. Pounded yam and swallow only for people seated around the high table. Other guests have to make do with our famous cocktail of fried rice and jollof while they see the luscious looking pounded yam being served on the other side of the hall. Same thing goes for drinks. Juice here, coke and fanta there…

7. Gifts
It’s your wedding and you’re so concerned about the gifts you hand out. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against showing a ‘token’ of appreciation but that’s what it should be – a token. And can we please do it orderly? If you want to hand out gifts to other guests in my name, why not inform me ahead of time? It’s not so cool when I give out blackberries and you hand out bathroom slippers and lanterns to my guests???

8. Event Chairman
Nigerian weddings = moneymaking ventures. Won’t you like to know the purpose of a chairman at a wedding? And what’s with the high table folks? The tables are quite high, no doubt and we all know why. Yes, it’s because they are the “highly” important folks, or not? We all know, in Nigeria, the fatter your pocket, the higher your table. Did I hear someone say wedding sponsorship?

9. Baker explaining the cake
So the cake is there, we all see it. It looks good but we are already an hour behind schedule cause the bride and groom got here late from church so why do we need to hear what went into the cake? Isn’t it always the same ingredients?

10. Mo gbo mo ya (uninvited guests).
This is probably the greatest of them all. How does a wedding with a guest-list of 300 people blow up to a thousand guests? Hello, I’m Uncle Dele’s bother’s cousin’s nephew’s stepbrother’s in-law’s third wife’s son. We’ve never met before but I’ve heard so much about you. Did he come with a gift? No? Will he eat? Definitely. He’s a relative remember? When you talk about having a small wedding in this country, people just look at you and laugh like it’s impossible. Well, good news is that I’ve actually seen it done before. Guest list, 200 guests, small garden, 2 hours and we’re done.

Well, these are my truths, got more? Let’s hear them.

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