He’s such a jerk….Dora fumed as she stepped into her apartment. We were supposed to have a romantic evening and he ruins it by being so bloody insensitive. She didn’t mean to keep Johnny from him. He just always got so paranoid about her exes. The sad part was that she had really wanted to go back to his place and work out the tension of the hectic workweek with some mind-blowing sex. She stepped into her walk in closet and was mildly comforted by the sight of her shoe collection.
Something glistened in the corner…the sensors for her ipad 5000x. So that’s where I left them. Who needs men she thought as she scooped them off the floor and slid into bed. Her ipad lay there from working in bed earlier that day. She connected the sensors to her temples, scanned her fingerprints and skipped thru the welcome screen. No time for that, Mama wants to play. She went straight to the Sex4D icon and launched the app.
What’s your fantasy, Lady D? Said d sexy voice of Idris Elba, British accent and all. It sent shivers down her spine. She hurriedly typed in Bad kitty. A fantasy she had spent months perfecting on lonely nights, fights with James and general naughtiness. The hologram flickered on in front of her. Please begin customization, D…. Idris Elba said again. Oh yes please she thought. She quickly selected the body of Fally Ipupa, moaning already at the thought of that waist in motion, the face of Michael Ealy, the sexy southern accent of T.I and named him Chris. Oops almost forgot… and added an extra 4 inches to d tent in his briefs.
Initiate she purred. Immediately, the preset play list of the Bad kitty preset started to belt out T-pain’s ‘Make love to a rap song’ and the bedroom faded to a dark room lit only the flames from a fireplace in the corner. She was lying on a thick soft rug and Chris was massaging her feet. How was your day D? Horrible she moaned. Well, lemme make it all better love. He proceeded to kiss his ways up her legs, planting little kisses every few inches., getting closer and closer to her aching centre. When he got to the juncture of her thighs, he kissed her thru her panties and ran his hands up her stomach to her breasts. Playing with her through her lacy bra and biting her throbbing clit gently with his teeth. Chris, take it off, she moaned. And he proceeded to do just that. He held her legs open with his hands and pulled her panties off slowly with his teeth. Touch yourself he commanded. Touch those beautiful tits for me. Yes daddy she moaned. He was heading back to her centre now and she was getting wetter waiting for him to make contact.
She ripped off her sensors, and the scene faded. That had better be James coming to apologize she fumed as she walked towards the door.
He walked into my apartment, half angry, half irritated – who does she think she is that she can just spring surprises like that. This is what this crazy world has come to. Allow these birds and they’ll destroy all of mankind. I need to get my mind off her. I need to prove I don’t need her – for sex or any other thing. It was already 8pm, what was supposed to have led to a fulfilling night in bed has left me home alone.
I went into my room, kicked off my shoes. Took off my shirt and I saw my ipad 5000x lying on my bed by my pillow where I’d left it the night before. Yes, just what I needed. I took off my denims leaving only my boxers and my inner vest on. I fiddled through my bedside drawer and got out my 5D glasses. I grabbed my ipad and jumped in bed.
I scanned in my finger print..
(Welcome your royal endowedness) said Keri, the programmed voice for my ipad. I used to love it whenever she said that but not tonight. I only had one thing on my mind. I hit the search box and typed:
Then tapped once more to launch the application and in no time I was at the home Menu:
> Welcome, James.
> Please select number of partners
I entered one and moved to the next item but I thought again and went back up:
> Will you like to customize partners?
I changed two of the girls to black. The bloody thing still sets skinny white girls as default, can you blame them. White girls can be so freaky. I left one in the mix. I skipped the other options after blessing the black girls I chose with enough T and A (tits and ass). The last box was to enter a name for the girls. I thought for a second then….
> Partner 1: Adebisi
> Partner 2: Sandra
> Partner3: Random
Her best friends; Yes; Let the party begin. I plugged in my 5D glasses and leaned back in bed. I felt Sandra’s touch first. This thing can be terribly realistic. Silver lacy Victoria’s secret lingerie… ooohhh… Then I noticed Adebisi and Kim (as she introduced herself) they were both already naked. I shifted with anticipation even as I felt Sandra climbing on to the bed.
……… it lasted all of 3 minutes.
I picked up my phone and dialed Aisha… she was home… I flung my ipad and glasses aside and threw on denims and a tee….. Screw virtual, I need me some real pum pum…
I’m sure at some point we’ve all imagined what a virtual roll in the hay would feel like (ok, maybe not all of us). Shout out to the wonderful Adesuwa (checkout her blog here)for writing this with me. This is our excuse to measure just how freaky you lot out there are.. So it’s your turn, use the comment box, let us know what your idea of virtual sex would be. Cheers.
PS: This video inspired this post.
Ok, so this really isn’t a post. It’s more of a survey but I didn’t just want to put up a poll. Now, a friend of mine sent me a link to this blog post on how men should totally call chics after shagging (especially if it’s the first time and if it wasn’t defined as a one night stand from the onset). Well, this got me thinking about the endless debate on how a lot of us seem to know exactly what is we want from someone seconds, minutes, hours or for some, days after that first encounter.
Now, don’t jump the gun, Im not going to tell you to do us a list (maybe I will). What I’m just trying to see is if we can all come up with an average amount of time for guys and also for the ladies for how long it’ll take you to know if he/she is a lay or a stay.
For frequent readers here, y’all will know I can be a very very picky person (even sexually). Well, thats me. A lot of guys I know care very little about how intelligent the carrier of the yoni they stick their shlung in as long as they don’t intend for her to have their kids. In fact, screw intelligence, some don’t even care if they look like shit and I guess for people like this, coming up with an average amount of time it’ll take to classify chics should be minimal – seconds perhaps???
As for the ladies, things could get a bit tricky since they probably take a lot more “non-physical” characteristics into consideration. (I could be wrong here). My guess is that in making her decision, she’ll like to know what you do, the kinda genes that run through your family (hell no) and yada yada yada.
Before, I get to the erm… “methodology” I’ll just share my opinion. Some will say, love grows on you and you need a lot of encounters before you can make that decision and I agree with all of that BUT, I’ll still stay except you’re hooking up/getting married for a reason you more or less have no control over (you knocked her up, his father is Dangote, he is Zukerberg e.t.c. e.t.c), the truth is, after a few encounters – and I say encounters because it doesn’t just stop at looks – you can conveniently tell which side of the coin anyone falls.
That being said, lets get into this. So, I’ll make it easy, before your comment, kindly state your gender and then how long you think it’d take to categorize a person as lay or stay. e.g:
Ok, there you go, speak your piece. Cheers.
Over the weekend I spoke with a long time friend of mine and in trying to catch up I asked about his status with the ladies and to my surprise, his answer was pretty much straight up and drama free. One gurl and that was it. No distractions on the side, no handouts, freebies, prospects, just one gurl and they weren’t yet official or anything – he was just seeing one gurl.
Before you wonder too far, this was surprising to me cause of the person I was talking to. Not that he was that bad a person but as we continued talking, I realized this is something that seemed to have spread amongst most of my friends who used to be proud of their player cards in the past. A few years ago, it was almost always expected for an average guy to engage at least two gurls at the same time. Some referred to it as “keeping your options open” while others simple defined it as being a “player”.
The urban dictionary defines a player as:
A male who is skilled at manipulating (“playing”) others, and especially at seducing women by pretending to care about them, when in reality they are only interested in sex.
guy who is sustaining supposedly exclusive relationships with multiple girls simultaneously
After my conversation with my friend and many others, I realized the modern day player operates differently. This may be due to the not-completely-gone recession we experienced over the past couple of years (or not).
Lets give it a thought together, stringing multiple gurls equals longer talk time on phone/continuous or compulsory subscription to blackberry service which equals more money. Also, no matter how slick you are, you’ll encounter more movie dates, more lunch/dinner dates, don’t forget the birthdays and the occasional request for credit from here and there. What does all of this sum up to? Revenue revenue revenue. And if all that money is going out and you have still your one source of income (say you’re a salary earner) then it only makes sense to re-think your strategy and that might just be what has happened. I know some will go to say what if he’s some “oil money” big boy. Well, I don’t think that really matters; earning that much, his choices of venues for dates e.t.c will definitely be classier and thereby matching his income which brings him back to the same position as the average earner.
The modern day/recession player or playette as the case may be (will elaborate on this later) needs to be very economically aware. By focussing on one err… “subject” at a point in time, he gets to still eat his cake and have it, even though
it might take longer.
You might be wondering what my angle is here. Am I educating the players on better ways to go about their business or am I pointing out characteristics of the modern day player? Honestly, I’m still wondering too. But please share your thoughts on this issue, are my friends merely getting more matured and discovering the art of committing to just one person at a time or has the player as we used to know him truly evolved?
Hey guys. I really didn’t plan on putting up a post today (ok, maybe I did). Anyways, I’ve decided to just talk. So….
The other day, after meeting up with a friend, I sat thinking to myself about how much technology seems to have influenced/affected our lives. Particularly, my thoughts hovered around relationships. See, I’ve been single for awhile now
ok, a long while and every time my friends get on my case and try to get me to start dating again, it always hits me when I realize just how much seems to have changed in the dating game. Thats if you can still call it that. I sometimes like to think of myself as an “Ol’ Gee” (slap me now), so for my other ol’ gees reading this, tell me, when was the last time you heard words like “toasting”, “runsing” or erm.. “chiking” (always hated this word) being used?
Seriously though, is it because of new trends, is it really because those things no longer exist, or have we evolved as people? Let me break this down. Ok, so maybe I’m not so old but if you were done with high school before we got in the 2000’s then you’ll probably be able to properly define the term “toasting” as we knew it then. You know, when guys would write endless letters, burn customized CDs (you know how hard this was back then), buy like seven cards with hand-written messages to go with one gift e.t.c. I mean, you could smell the effort from yards out. Nowadays what we have seems so fickle. Someone once summarized the current dating process as follows:
FB/TT > IB/DM > BB > MU&SX
(Facebook/Twitter > InBox/Direct Message > Blackberry > Meetup&Sex)
Depending on how good you are with words, you can move from FB to SX in days, weeks and well, maybe months. But thats where it stops. Any “effort” that comes after that is channelled towards getting more SX.
Now, before the guys out there crucify me, let me state that I’m not asking all gurls to become “longer things”. Certainly not. It’s just so bad that some people will never ever get to experience the thrills of being chased, the thrills of being properly “toasted” (no french toast). And lets not hide behind age or technology cause I can hear someone already thinking, those things die with high school. Show me one gurl who doesn’t enjoy being chased (and I’ll find the doctor who did his sex change). As for blaming it on technology…well… maybe to some extent but at the end of the day, I think it boils down to “you” as a person. Because the person you like seems to want to move along quickly without “the chase” doesn’t mean you can’t make it a lil bit interesting…no?
Do you agree or disagree with me? Share some of your “toasting” memories with in the comment box and also let us know how recent it was. Cheers
PS: Ok, I made up that dating process.