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The Vagina Monologues Remix Finale.

Breaking & Entering By @Ms_Dania
I really wish I didn’t have It. Wish I could cut it out.  After all, I didn’t ask for it. And it has done nothing for me.
It is the reason they’ve followed me since I was 6.
Tunde and Jerry in the play ground, trying to see under my dress as I went up and down the Janglova.
Up and down.
It is the reason Andrew, 24, stalked me when I was 12.
What else would he want with a child half his age?
Chris broke it off with me because he wasn’t getting It. Turns out he couldn’t do without Pussy after all.
I remember when I used to guard It sacredly. “Sit like a girl!” mama would say. “Close your legs!” the teacher would say, “You’re a lady”, and then all the boys would start to giggle. Silly little pricks.
And so I sat and closed and guarded preciously; my vagina; my ladyship.

Until he came along.
And took It. Just like that.
It really wasn’t his fault I think. It was IT.
I told him it was mine and mine alone. At least until someone took possession of me formally and then the person would inherit it.
He accepted.
But then he started to kiss me. And touch me. And then IT started to feel things. I didn’t understand; I still don’t. Why was one set of lips reacting when the other was getting kissed?
He pushed me down on the bed. I started to panic, but IT was loving it.
Let me go! My head screamed.
Why? IT replied, you’re loving it.
My mouth just whimpered.
He pulled down my skirt forcefully and slapped my thighs apart. My head won. STOP, I screamed.  He took off my panties. NO! I started to cry. He looked at the tears on my face and faltered.
Then he looked at IT and IT said to him, look I have tears too, I’m wet too.
And he broke in and took It. Just like that he took it.
It was not yours for the taking you fucking bastard.
It’s one year after and he’s still here. What can I say? He was the first. He’s taken my ladyship; he has to have me.

I hate him.
I hate my vagina.
I want to cut it out.

But then I have to pee.

The Angry Vagina By @miafarradaily
Hello Men. How y’all doing? On behalf of my furious vagina, may I say:
FUCK YOU!
Fuck you, cocks, schlongs, penises, johnsons, Mr. ‘your owner calls you happy but the only person you make truly happy is your owner’.
You don’t know shit.
You don’t know what it’s like to be wandering along, living your private little life and then for some greater good bullshit, it suddenly starts to rain red pain.
You ache and you cramp and you’re confused and just when you think, “finally, some sympathy!” someone shoves a big phallic piece of absorbent shit right up you.
Once and again, every 4-6 hours, every month of every year of your life that matters.
My blood, my pain, my agony.
Hey you! Yeah, you! Sitting in the back there…crossing your legs and playing with your phone under the table…
You came from a vagina.
You came from blood and pain and agony.
You came from OUR blood, OUR pain, OUR agony.
What’s that? Birth is a miracle? Motherhood is an honour? Are you kidding me with this Hallmark bullshit?
It’s a miracle I haven’t honoured you with death yet.
Indignity? Let me tell you about indignity!
Indignity is having some young kid with two consonants in front of their name poke and prod and shove metal as far into you as they can.
“This will be a little cold’ “This might be a tad uncomfortable”.
No, douchebag, looking at your stupid little face is uncomfortable.  Those shoes I got on sale are uncomfortable. Going jogging in a g-string is uncomfortable.
Having a SPECULUM, a metal instrument of torture thrust and then expanded inside me? Uncomfortable, you say?
Why don’t you come a little closer, yeah that’s right…give me a good shot at your educated nose and I’ll show you uncomfortable.
Sex. Yeah, I see you; lady who wants to pretend having a vagina isn’t one big cosmic joke. Sex you say?
“Sex is good.” “Sex is nice.”
Remember your first time? Remember:
The blood.
The pain.
The agony
Remember that?
Oh, but now you’re saying “it gets better” Indeed.
You wear your ankles for earrings and in return you get the equivalent of a jumbo Toblerone bar.
You think this is fair?
There is NOTHING fair about having a vagina.
Know this: Swine get a better deal than you. They get to come for HALF A FREAKING HOUR. 30 minutes. And your clit gives you what, 5 minutes tops?

All pigs are equal, some pigs are more equal than others and Miss Piggy? Has a better sex life than you.
Sex. *snorts*
Sex is the cover up! Sex is the freaking distraction!
Here is the truth:
YOU ARE A RECEPTACLE for every promotion he didn’t get, every girl that said no, every squash game he lost…he pounds all of that into you and then leaves his salty detritus behind. On you; inside you; in that wet spot underneath you
A vagina: the most defenceless cavity in the human body.
At least a mouth has teeth. At least an asshole puts up a good fight. A vagina? Our traitorous vaginas? A pinch there, a lick here and they open up like flowers in the sunshine.
What?
Not smiling anymore?
Not feeling so Amazonian?
Good.

So, we have come to the end of the monologues (*sniff). And a befitting end too. I’d have apologized for the length of today’s post but after reading it, I’m sure you know why I won’t. Share your thoughts on rape and the ‘injustice’ brought to the vagina, use the comment box, speak your mind. Cheers.

The Vagina Monologues Remix (Scene 5 & 6)

CURSE by @SlimSiren

Clutching my white fluffy teddy, I watched Aunty writhe and weep on the floor. I don’t know why she’s screaming. I don’t know what to say to make it better. I can’t seem to find the right words. They must be fighting through the heavy fear in my throat. I open my mouth over and over again.

Somebody, please come. Somebody. Please. Come.

But nobody comes.

Nobody comes because my mouth wouldn’t open. My teddy’s face is wet with my tears. I can’t seem to…

Understand why Chizoba is screaming like a banshee. I thought the world had come to an end, or something had happened to Ngozi, and I ran out of the room like a mad woman, only to find blood all over the place. She’s twenty-two, for Christ sakes! Menstrual pains, so? What’s new? She has had this for 12 years x 12 months x 4 days x 24 hours x 60 mins x 60 seconds of her damn life. She has no right to scare my children like this! See little Oma…

Rocking back and forth on the bed. I can’t understand what is going on.

Mummy is standing by the door.

Mummy has come

I don’t know what is happening.

Aunty is just crying.

Please take aunty to the hospital mummy.

Please I don’t want aunty to die.

I love aunty ChiChi.

Stop looking at her like that.

Come let’s take her to the hospital please mummy please…

Stop, please, dear Lord of God, dear Lord, God, please just make it stop. I will give anything. I will dedicate my life to you. I will stop cheating in class, I promise.

Please! Please.

Just make it stop!

Oh! Mama-put rice, I will never eat you! Your pepper has put fire in my loins!

Extra cube of sugar, I curse you! Lord God of Moses, of Israel, of Meso-ginibuahagi-phet, I beg you! Take this away from me! I can’t…

Endure. I. Try. To. Endure. I. Mask. My. Pain. Perfume. Pads. Perseverance. Every. Month.

I. Have. To. Endure. Dear. God. Please. I. Need. To. Endure. This. Curse.

The Sex Worker By @Otase

Oohh the women love me because I please their vaginas good.

Their husbands call me and when they hear I’m a woman, they apologize for the mistake.

*giggles*

They don’t know.

They can’t wrap their heads around their women cheating on them with another woman.

But it’s true. The women love me because I please their vagina good.

Especially the older ones.

Gasping.

Moaning in Yoruba as I stick my tongue in places. Finding their g-spots and playing with their beautiful clits

Telling me how their men don’t make them feel like this.

*laughs*

Most of their husbands don’t even know where the clit is.

I can’t blame them

I think back to the days of an accountant and I laugh.

Sitting behind computers, crunching numbers in my high power suits, with one boring scarf after another placed ever so prim and proper, my vagina never getting to breathe.

Then one day, my bitch of a boss called me into her office, and seduced me. When she tied me up with my scarf, I never saw scarves or vaginas the same way again.

She explored my vagina. Made it happy.

Now I explore vaginas.

Being paid for this exploration is just the icing on my wonderful cake.

Most of these women never used to moan.

Can you believe it?

Stifling their moans like it was dirty. But now I make them moan in all kinds of languages.

I sit back and make them touch themselves, make them find their own moans, sometimes they even find their own screams.

“Olorun oo”

“Do that thing again…”

“What thing?”

I make them beg for it

“The thing with your tongue”

“You mean like this?” As I do something else that makes them exclaim

*smiles*

I take my job very seriously.

I love to make Vaginas happy.

Hey people, so, two more scenes from the VM Remix.. Today, we look at another aspect of ‘womanhood’ that has been seriously supressed in these parts (also maybe due to our culture) – menstration & all that goes with it. Then scene 6, well, some might say isn’t for societies like ours but I’ll leave that to you guys as you speak your mind using the comment box. Cheers.

The Vagina Monologues Remix. (Scene 3 & 4)

The Little One By @UberBetty

I didn’t think about ‘it’.

Only when mummy says: ‘Wash your bom-bom well!’ when she’s monitoring my bath. And when she adds ‘Don’t let any one touch you there’ when she read some story in the Newspaper.

Then that day Uncle Victor came to visit,

I was shocked into awareness. I was.

He was the children choirmaster. And I was the star.

He said I had ‘the voice of an angel’. He adored me; I worshipped him right back.

Mother shouldn’t have left me, but it was just Uncle Victor. She had to ‘wash and set’ her hair.

I wanted to sing for him. I was doing a solo on Sunday. He said ‘Sit on my lap’.

I clambered on happily.

I opened my mouth and started ‘Joy to the world! The Lord is come.. Let…’

Then he touched me.

I jumped off. Mummy said no one should touch me there.

He laughed. Said it was only him. Only Uncle Victor.

I said no. Mummy said no one.

Uncle Victor got angry. He pushed me to the ground. Pushed my legs apart.

Then he rammed his large self into me.

I believe that ‘it’ is connected to the soul. I do.

Because I felt my soul tear and weep before my physical mouth parted and released the blood-curdling scream.

The angels heard it.

Then ‘it’ throbbed. Like its heart was breaking. And ‘it’ cried. Real tears of blood.

And when he cut off my screams with his hand, my soul still wept.

After we moved to the North and I was assaulted again. Mummy blamed me. She said I caused it.

I did not scream, and my vagina did not cry again; its tears have dried. But my soul is still weeping.

The Sexy Grey By @RealistXX

I have never really liked the term cougar.

If you ask me, I’d say mountain lion although some say they are one and the same. *chuckle*.

Ever seen a mountain lion hunt?

The way it selects its prey, toys with it and then goes in for the kill…..

Beautiful.

I am a lion.

I hunt.

They parade themselves in front of me. Full of stamina.

My prey.

Their bodies screaming “pick me mama”.

I don’t blame them. Experience oozes from my pores. Most times, I consider myself a teacher. My tool of choice, my whip

*wink*

The other day, I attended my colleague’s daughter’s introduction party. I chose my outfit carefully. My short black clingy dress that made me feel like Eve.

Sin’s own offspring.

Boobs perky, vagina tight.

As the groom prostrated in front of our table, I carefully slid my legs apart exposing her in all her glory.

I can tell you that was the longest prostration in history.

It felt like time itself stood still. We connected. I had found my prey.

My new boy toy.

I played with him. Pulling my dress just an inch lower. Exposing them in all their perkiness. He poured the wine on his bride. Flustered.

I zeroed in.

He was mine from that moment. Maybe he’d learn something from me to teach his bride. She looked like a baby. So young; maybe I should let her know I’m to thank for all the great sex she’s been getting. Hmmmm… I really do deserve a thank you from her. Afterall, great sex is but a luxury nowadays

*chuckle*

Next week would make me five decades in this deliciously sinful world. I should call him up. My birthday won’t be complete without a tumble in the sheets ;).

Hey guys. First off, huge thank you to you guys for the feedback from yesterday. Like I keep saying, lets look beyond the humour and what not to highlight the important issues in these monologues. Today, we look at a testimony from a victim of child molestation to further put some of the comments from yesterday into perspective and on a lighter note, the issue of the older female lover (still hate this word). You know the drill, if you’ve got experiences or comments to share, use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.

The Vagina Monologues Remix. (Scene 1 & 2)

Eyes on the prize By @Similicious87

Of course I’m a bitch!

That’s what I yelled back as I spread those pictures on his office table!

You see there is nothing wrong with getting the best for that vagina

Times are hard and I would be damned if I fall for the ‘love buffoonery

That was long ago when Uncle Bayo embarked on journeys to my bedroom and put me through muffled screams and blood stained sheets

I lost all illusions

My body made men groan with pleasure

I have learned to use it!

Oh I am way past that love mess.

I am smarter than those ‘holier than thou’ sisters who pretend the dick isn’t wearing their pussies out.

I’m enterprising.

I keep my eye on the prize.

So what if Alhaji likes to burn cigarettes on my tits – there is always a dermatologist.

So what if Chief likes to beat me and tie me up till I pass out – I get that bank alert and I’m a couple of hundreds of thousands richer.

I am smarter than those love sick puppies.

Why does love have to be associated with sex?

SEX is SEX!

So because you are giving it up because he says he loves you makes you better than me?

These holes of mine are expensive.

They pay my bills.

So I like to take pictures of powerful men in compromising situations!

That doesn’t make me a bitch.

I’m a businesswoman!

I carry my cargo.

Ready to offload in different locations and positions.

I’m not apologetic!

It’s my vagina after all!

EYES ON THE PRIZE!

Because He Looked At It: By @novacrossqueen

My vagina had a complex

Not the oh-my-god-i-think-im-fat-when-im-actually-a-skinny-bitch complex

But the Holy-shit-this-is-not-what-it-looks-like-on-the-playboy-magazines complex

Like I know we are made in His image and likeness and we are all beautiful and yadi yadi

But damn…

I even thought it would look better bald

That I could get elegant looking kissable lips

Presentable,

Was that too much to ask for?

But after skinning the kitty, I daresay

Chris looked like a dead thing stuffed in another dead thing in HD

Yes I call my vagina Chris

And she was ugly

I imagined if old men had vagina, it would look like Chris

Coitus (Coitus coitus coitus. Fucking weird word) was pretty much orchestrated

Sex with me worked in stages

We would get right down to business

Missionary, cowboys, and then I hit my doggie

To survive, I would imagine my vagina as an Aston Martin Virage…. and his penis was, well…. a penis

*cough*

My vagina came alive only in the dark

And then that one guy

No I don’t remember his name…

“Can I give you head?” he said…”With the lights on”

Like was he kidding?

Instantly I prayed for PHCN to take the lights now, please na….

Please….

“Resistance is futile”, he whispered as he grabbed my arms and bound them with his tie

I watched his shadow walk over to the switch

*click*

Let there be light…. *closes bible*

With my arms useless

And my legs spread so far apart, they could have been in separate continents

I felt him

Trace. His. Fingers. Across. My. Lips. Parting. Them. Ever. So. Slowly.

I..

Ermm…

And…

Are you getting me?

Those were my feelings exactly.

He put his lips to my lips and I swear they spoke the same language for a hot minute

Then he looked up at me and said the cheesiest shit I have ever ever heard since I discovered I had a vagina

“Your vagina is the 8th wonder of the world”

(Well not in those exact words…..)

He then proceeded to teach her five other different languages, and braille…

Hey guys, so there you have it. The first two scenes from the V Monologues Remix. Seems the ladies are going in hard on this. However, once again, I’ll urge us to look past the humour and highlight the salient points in the scenes for proper discussion. A lot of women justify prostitution with sexual encounters they had as children, what’s your take on this? Also, our culture, perhaps,  has taught us to keep away from certain bedroom acts. A lot of women cringe at the use of the word vagina in public let alone talking about cunnilingus. Time for us to discuss. Use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.

Birthday giveaway

Hey everyone. Yes it’s my birthday. Let me just say a HUGE thank you to you guys for all the messages, calls, posts, tweets and to all those who tried singing… thank you.

So, I’m here for two reasons. Firstly, I promised a giveaway didn’t I? I spent most of the weekend trying to thinkup a way to give what I have out and couldn’t comeup with something that wasn’t too complicated . So, I’ll be giving away this:

To the person who comes up with the most creative reason why I should, before midnight tomorrow.

To make things fair, I’ve enlisted my good friend, super OAP, Gbemi Olateru-Olagbegi (@Mz411) to help pick the winner. So, get thinking, use the comment box and convince her.

Huge s/o to the guys at Ten Over Ten (@tenoverten) for making this happen.

Secondly, a lot of people have been asking wasap with my birthday. Well, sadly, due to the fact that I have work tomorrow and the curfew, I can’t do much today but I’ve got you guys covered.

Date: Saturday April 30th

Venue: Number 10, Saka Tinubu, V.I Lagos..

Time: Well, just show up (after leaving The Undeground event of course) and we’ll shut it down all night.

What else? I’ll be giving out cocktails at the bar to the ladies for as long as possible so tell a friend to tell a friend to.. you know the deal…

Thanks again guys.. start sending in your comments. Cheers.

PS: The Vagina Monologues Remix begins tomorrow… 10am… don’t miss out…

Love this love that.

Hey people. So, I guess you can say this is one of my acting out posts cause I’m sorta, kinda annoyed so please bear with me if I ramble.

Over the last week, while I ran the P Monologues here, I was glad to read up posts from some other bloggers that addressed some issues I hoped would spin-off from reading the monologues. Issues such as rape and abusive relationships featured on @CapoeiraPanda and @Adm3on’s blogs.

Personally, I feel our society is one where certain actions, phrases and words have been bastardized to levels where they mean little or nothing. I could go over a few of them but today, I’ll just go with the most annoying one.

LOVE.

Yes, the world’s favourite four-letter word (no, it’s not food). Now, my opinion on this is very simple. I’ll leave religion out of it and just talk from the “worldly” perspective. Call me white or whatever but growing up, I read a lot of books and saw all kinds of movies and by the time I was 10, I knew there was more to professing love than the way it was carelessly done here.

A friend of mine once met a gurl in the morning of a certain day, by evening, I overheard him saying the words “You know I love you” to her. They had sex that evening and for the rest of that week, then he was done.

Also, I couldn’t help but notice how a lot of people tried to justify things such as staying in abusive relationships with that same four-letter word – LOVE. A lot of us say it, use it recklessly, just another word – right? Trouble begins when you ask an average black man to define the word “love” in a “non-religious” context. (Yes, we’ll get to you so hold that thought.)

Before I go on, let me state clearly that in my opinion, the under listed, are VERY VERY different.

  • Admire
  • Infatuate
  • Lust
  • Like
  • Be “in Like”
  • Love
  • Be “in love”

Also, I’d like to state that when it comes to love, I have the following opinions:

  1. You can love more than one person at once.
  2. You can love more than one person at once but you CANNOT be IN LOVE with more than one person at the same time.
  3. Once you fall IN LOVE with someone, you can fall OUT OF LOVE with the person but it would take a grave sin for you to completely stop loving the person.
  4. Merely LOVING someone can NEVER justify certain things (e.g. staying in an abusive relationship) however, being IN LOVE with someone “might”.

From this, you can clearly see that in my opinion, being “in love” with someone carries a whole lot more weight that just loving someone. Your parents, siblings, friends can love you. You can love a girlfriend/boyfriend after being “in like” for so long but falling “in love”? That’s not something you just do. I’ve loved and still do but falling “in love”? I’m still waiting to experience it.

Having said all of this, I know you want my definition of being in love. I’ll give you an answer I came up with after seeing a Jude Law movie (can’t remember)… it’s a scenario:

You and her standing not too far from each other, not so far away, an armed robber fires a gun. *insert matrix mode* .. As you watch the bullet leave the gun heading for her, your mind processes in 0.00000000000001th of a second…

Jump….

Take the bullet…

Of course, you wont take the bullet (except you’re Jesus or ……). Anyways, imagine that situation and if you know your mind will process that thought, or you will actually take that bullet for him or her, then you, my friend, are IN LOVE.

That’s my definition, time for yours. Before you share your comments, please share your definition of “being IN LOVE”. If you don’t have one, no problem, use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.

The Rape Scene Rejoinder

Hi everyone. So the P monologues have come and gone but after noticing comments and reactions to the last scene in particular, Jibola and I decided a rejoinder was necessary. So, here goes:

This story started with Toolsman hitting me up to write a scene for The Penis Monologues Remix. A big shout out to @Sheriphskills, @CapoeiraPanda, @JCPhoenix, @KevinWithAnL, and @Thetoolsman for a fantastic job. The lots fell to me to write the Rape scene. I was a little uneasy at first. The reason being that, I’m one of those guys that hasn’t had any reason to Rape anyone, or even say ‘please’ for ” ‘Nani” YET (I don’t see why I would, but still I wouldn’t want to get too cocky). Let’s just say that it took me quite a bit to slip into the role of Rapist.

In all honesty, I thought that I was gonna get a lot of flak for the role, how I settled into it, and how touchy a topic the issue of rape is. In fact, I welcomed whatever ‘chastisement’ would come. But I definitely was nervous to say the least. So nervous, that I initially didn’t check the comments on the post. And then to my utter surprise! The response was… positive. I must say, I am flattered, I’d love to tell you that my phone has been ringing off the hook since the post went up (It has!).

And then the clincher; I got a phone call. A very odd one. And it went something like this.

“Jibola! Ori e wan be!” Jibola! You’re spot on/you’re endowed (this one’s difficult to translate)

<insert confused looks here>  “Huh?”

“Ma da won lohun!” Don’t mind ’em! “That’s how they do! They wee grind you, chop your money and go! I like what you did to those girls”

<insert big-ass PAUSE HERE>

I’ll spare you the details of whether or not I cursed him out to the curb and things. But I’d like to unequivocally state here that I DO NOT CONDONE RAPE. I do not condone it, in any of its forms. I mean, I’ll spank, pull your hair (not off it’s tracks though), hell I’ll even role-play the ‘randy burglar’ but I draw the line at non-consensual sex.

I’m of the opinion that if you get a NO, then you aren’t destined (yes, destined) to hit that. Can I also add that if you have to beg for ‘Nani, after she has said NO, you’re also a pseudo-rapist (YES, I said it).

So, that’s it from Jibola and I’m totally in support of his comments. As much as we all agree that rape is totally wrong, it seems the thin line between S&M has gotten too blurry nowadays. It’s not enough for us to just highlight these issues. Let’s talk about them and help educate those who need to be educated. Thank you all once again for the comments and feedback. Cheers.

Announcement

Hey people. Trust we’re all enjoying the easter break. So, just a couple of things to get through this morning. Firstly, I’d like to thank everyone for supporting The Penis Monologues Remix. I must say, the response totally blew us away. Now I know a lot of you guys have been calling for more, lets just say, you’ll get your wish.. 🙂

Secondly, for those who don’t know, I’ll be adding a year sometime next week and y’all know there definitely has to be something special here. So, watch-out for another giveaway plus “more”… Also, still in the mood of giving and cause most good theatrical productions have a song somewhere in them, I’ve decided to give you the closing tune to the P Monologues Remix. (Afterall, it is the remix..LOL).. Enjoy.

PENILE ZOMBIE (By @_thinktank_)

[To be sang in tune to FELA’s Zombie]

*[CHORUS]

Zombie-o, zombie!

ZOMBIE-O, ZOMBIE (2X)

Zombie no go stand, unless you give am blue pill

ZOMBIE

Zombie no go stop, unless e reach where e dey “come”

ZOMBIE

Zombie no go slow, unless you moan “go slower”

ZOMBIE

Zombie no go fast, unless you shout “harder, harder”

Zombie-o, zombie

ZOMBIE-O, ZOMBIE (2X)

Tell am to go rape — Joro, Jara, Joro

No logic, no reasoning, no sense — Joro, Jara, Joro

Tell am to go cheat — Joro, Jara, Joro

No love, no care, no thought — Joro, Jara, Joro

Tell am to commit adultery — Joro, Jara, Joro

No wife, no kids, no life — Joro, Jara, Joro

*[CHORUS]

Go and fuck

JORO, JARA, JORO

Go and gbensh

JORO, JARA, JORO

Go and kpox

JORO, JARA, JORO

Put am inside

JORO, JARA, JORO

Go and shag

JORO, JARA, JORO

Go and hammer

Go and PERFORM!!! *(3x)

Joro, Jara, Joro- O Zombie way na one way (3x)

Joro, Jara, Joro- Ooooh

Attention!

Stand up!

Wear condom!

Enter front!

Enter back!

Enter mouth!

Double speed!

Salute!

On top!

From Back!

Thrust in

Thrust out

Speed up

Get ready *(2x)

Arrrgghhhhhhh!!!

Yes! *(Repeat 3x from “Attention”)

*[CHORUS] ZOMBIE

Dismiss!

PS:

COMING SOON

The Penis Monologues Remix Finale (Scene 5 & 6)

The Ladies Man (By @KevinWithAnL)

Show me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are

Ok, meet Sandra, Ngozi, Tolu, Rita, Zaynab, Amina, Tara, Deola, Ada, Mayowa, Oge, Michelle and Vivian.

Your conclusion?

Yes! I’m a ladies man.

No I’m not ashamed when called a “woman wrapper”.

No I’m not dating any of the above listed and yes, I do have a girlfriend!

I’m not about to make excuses for my inability to repel ladies – no no no no no.. mba..

It’s just not in my DNA.

You see, I’m your normal run of the mill guy though of very rare breed… By rare I mean in the words of a great philosopher called D’banj – “I’m endowed’.

Yes! My lower body endowed aka my penis is a long thing.

Take Mayowa for instance:

Good friend, having man troubles. We talk on BBM after a few days after following each other on Twitter, I gave her a shoulder to cry on, now, to remove my shoulder na die o! But we are just friends. I know this because I tried kissing her once after a ‘counseling’ session and she expertly dodged and stormed out.

Then Oge:

Likes me but can’t date me because we played “mummy and daddy” while growing up and I saw her panties then. I’ve asked her for a rematch now that we are all grown up so she can revenge and erm… look into my boxers but she keeps saying, “that’s a long thing” (As if I don’t know! Mscheeew)

Then there’s Michelle and Vivian

Twins! Two of the hottest girls to walk the surface of this planet; can’t date one of them because I can’t choose. It’s both or nothing so I’ve moved them to the friend zone, hoping that after “a few drinks” some night, we’ll get into a threesome. Till then, I’m their “friend” and nothing more.

There are lots of others. I’m confidante-in-chief to at least five other girls; sexpert to two others and wingman to loads…

Finally, I’ll tell you about Shakirat:

No, she doesn’t look anything like her name, I promise you. And no, she’s not my friend. She’s my girlfriend. What else?

She drives my nuts nuts.

My ‘Pen’ ‘is’ out of ‘ink’ when I’m with her

But.

She’s the SI unit of nagging and the Chief Insecure Officer of the female folk. *sigh*

Yes, I’m bored but I won’t leave her. Not except my penis says so.

Those are my friends… So who am I? My name is Dizzle and I’m your ladies man.

Call me a bastard (By @JibolaL)

Ada is my friend.

There should be a limit to how you tease and flirt with people you call your friends.

I’m always her victim when we go out

Dancing and grinding against me in those short dresses

“I feel safe with you” she says.

But she’d grind my penis into blue balls

Fuck you

My hard dick always replies

She can’t claim she’s never rubbed her ass against something hard

I couldn’t stop imagining what I’d do to her

Opportunity knocked. We partied all night

She crashed at my place

It was not the first time

But this time, my purple balls deprived me of sleep

She had been extra hot in her LBD and Loubou pumps.

I went to the guest room where she lay

Tiredness had probably splayed her thighs

I made my move

She was a light sleeper.

With a confused look she said NO.

No ko, No ni.

I slapped her thighs farther apart and rammed in.

One strike. No miss.

Nnammmdi!!! She screamed.

Hahaha!

I knew she wanted it.

Imagine I hadn’t taken initiative and acted instead like a pussy

That’s how she’d have been deprived of good dick

I still have Fisayo’s scratch marks

On my chest neck and forearms

Feisty bitch.

I treated her to dinner at my place.

Filet Mignon made by me

And my best Merlot

After flirting through dinner,

She said she wanted to go home.

Nibo? (For Where?)

I tried everything

Psyched.

Negotiated.

And almost begged

God forbid I beg for ‘Nani‘.

I walked her to my door, gave her a chance to change her mind

When she made to walk away I slapped her.

You’re crazy!

Did your daddy ever give you such fab living?

I grabbed her by her hair.

My Brazilian hair!

She screamed.

Brazilian hair ko, Vietnamese hair ni

I yanked it harder.

By the way I pounded her pussy on the floor, she must have had rug burns.

I still have her scratch-marks to show for it

It was worth it sha, she was really tight.

My penis thanked me.

Call me a bastard. It’s music to my ears.

So, there you go. The concluding scenes to the Penis Monologues. There are quite a lot of talking points in today’s post so I hope we can look beyond the humour and err… Jibola and highlight the cause, effects of rape, being “the ladies man” even when you’re commited e.t.c. So use the comment box and speak your mind. I’d like to give a huge s/o to all the contributing writers. They’ve been amazing If I do say so myself. What else can I say, there’s more stuff in the pipelines. Cheers.

The Penis Monologues Remix (Scene 3 & 4)

The one who cheated – (By @thetoolsman)

I cheated.

There.

I said it.

I’m not even going to lie.

And it was well worth every second.

Every time I looked down at her and saw her thick lips wrapped around my penis; I smiled.

That smile I hadn’t smiled in years.

Every time I ran my fingers through her freshly waxed legs; I smiled.

That knowing smile telling me I was fucking a woman

And when I flipped her around, hands and knees on the bed, face in the pillow,

I didn’t hear that familiar murmur, that grumbling voice telling me to stop.

So I thrusted as deep and hard as I could

I kept going till she said my name

Tunde…

Oh… Tunde…

I like that.

She liked it.

Aisha, your best friend of over ten years liked everything I did to her.

My penis. Liked everything she did to him.

But did I? Really? Did I want this?

Why did you have to change?

Blowjobs went with our first year anniversary.

“Let’s save something for marriage”, you said.

Waxing your legs (or any other body part for that matter), stopped after I proposed.

And then you took away the doggy.

You just wanted to lie on your back all the time no matter how much I complained.

Sex with my wife or sex with a MAN?

Aisha made me feel heterosexual again.

Yes I cheated.

There. I said it again.

My Condoms (By @CapoeiraPanda)

My condoms are too cheap.

*sigh*

That’s what she told me this morning.

She said she didn’t want my penis going into her wrapped up in these “four for fifty naira gala wrappers”.

This is the last straw.

My condoms are too cheap. Really?

I mean, who complains about the cost of the condoms as long as the sex is good?

I mean, a penis is a penis right?

Ok, I take that back…

But of course, now she can be selective.

Rather, now she can AFFORD to be selective.

Now she can. Or well, Chief “I don’t know his name but he has plenty money” can.

She always did like good and expensive stuff, but she knew I couldn’t afford to buy them for her.

Is that the only reason why she did it?

Was it only for the money?

Someone call me naïve (sharrap there!), but it isn’t all supposed to be about money is it?

What about love?

What about feelings?

I always treated her right. Loved her, respected her, never cheated on her.

No, I’m serious. I never cheated. Let’s just say my penis was working in line with my heart on this one.

Speaking about my penis, she always called him her “Boy Wonder”.

So I KNOW the sex was good.

Wasn’t that enough? Love? Good sex? What happened to the “Power of the P…”?

Oh…wait…that only applies to women doesn’t it?

I told my friend about it when I found out.

He said: Love, respect, and a well-functioning penis can’t buy Prada bags and expensive condoms…

I thought I’d be able to handle it…maybe forgive her…maybe let her be.

But then, on Wednesday, Boy Wonder wouldn’t get up for her.

It was strange. I guess he was working with my heart again.

I thought it was just a slight problem…a temporary glitch…

But then, it happened… (Or I should say it didn’t happen again) on Friday

And this morning, when I finally got it up, she said she doesn’t like my condoms.

My condoms are too cheap.

Really?

Hey guys, have to say a huge thank you for all the great comments we received yesterday. Here’s scene 3 & 4 dwelling on issues even more common in our society today. Too many times the menfolk get all the blame whenever they cheat, but maybe, just maybe there’s more to it. And as for the cheap condoms, I’ll let you guys comment on that. Use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.

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