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Humour

Black Hollywood

Hey guys, so I decided to skip “Wet Fridays” this week. Why? Well, cause there’s just so much you can talk about when it comes to sex (ok, that’s not true). Anyways, it’s been pretty serious up in here this week especially with that post on the presidential elections so I’ve decided to ease out the seriousness a bit with yet another “not-so-list” of things Hollywood has taught me about black people as collated from friends, family and the internet. Here goes:

1. Playground basketball tournaments, street dance-offs, rap battles, and even step competitions are life and death propositions.

2. When a woman is about to leave a serious relationship she changes her hair

3. Only non-black teachers effectively help the worst students in the worst school of any urban distinct.

4. All black brothers in the US are wealthy even if they push a meat van (ask LL)

5. Don’t trust her with your man

6. Don’t trust him with your woman

7. Black cops all apparently make a sh*tload of money. (Ask Will Smith & Samuel L.J.)

8. All black churches are full of singing talent.

9. Police will always shoot first and ask questions later.

10. Black people never listen to any of the following genres: Rock, Country, Pop, Punk, Metal, or techno.

11. There are hardly any black people in the future

12. All big mommas (aka grandmothers) always have a striking resemblence to aunt jemima?

13. Doesn’t matter how incompatible two people may be they can fall in love over the most random of things e.g. basketball, hip hop e.t.c.

14. Black families don’t go on vacation often and when they do, they DRIVE down to visit long lost family members in the south

15. If it takes place before 1970, then all white people are the devil.

16. In the hood, you always have to make the choice between doing a job that involves illegal activity or going the straight and narrow track.

17. Black women in the movies don’t mind getting their weave messed up during sex. AT ALL.

So there’s the list, time for you guys to chip in. Use the comment box and speak your mind and please remember to go out early enough to vote tomorrow. Cheers.

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About thetoolsman

I mostly refer to myself as an unrepentant media addict .. Well, cause I'm mostly always hunting for information through one media channel or the other... Hit me up on twitter @thetoolsman

Discussion

53 thoughts on “Black Hollywood

  1. ..

    Posted by kechilauren | April 15, 2011, 9:06 am
  2. Well…

    Posted by jadesola | April 15, 2011, 9:11 am
  3. Yayy I ws d first.:) Yh..true!!I love black movies except d fact that they come off as shallow mmost times.plus u didn’t add hw black salons are always the headquarters of gossip.nd they always know evrybody’s “bidness”:D

    Posted by kechilauren | April 15, 2011, 9:13 am
  4. In bad boys, will smith had a trust fund.
    Coach Carter was black

    Posted by MsJulz | April 15, 2011, 9:13 am
  5. so true. and it’s sad cos ppl feel they have to live up to these stereotypes. i for one like some classical music…

    Posted by ogirl | April 15, 2011, 9:19 am
  6. I don’t watch movies, and on the rare occasion that I do, black theme movies are not my favorites for the following reasons:
    1. They usually have weak plots (as already indicated by Toolsman’s list)

    2. In my opinion, they are always full of self pity

    3. Never have enough sex scenes 😉

    I think black people suck at making any kind of movie, from Nollywood to Hollywood. We can’t even make quality porn, I mean, how difficult can it really be to make a good movie of black people shagging?

    *Wears sunglasses,grabs balls & walks away to go download some white porn for the weekend….

    Posted by Lagoshunter | April 15, 2011, 9:22 am
  7. madea simmons needs to die (yeah i kno he/she is making tons of dough, but days, im tired of it)

    Posted by Zara | April 15, 2011, 9:26 am
  8. Yeah.. what she said…

    Posted by thetoolsman | April 15, 2011, 9:28 am
  9. I think you missed a crucial one that has been the feature in many an RT in the last week (i.e. That Ignoramerican that was stunned that a Nigerian followed him). That is Black Folks in Africa still swing on trees and wear loincloth.

    Oh yeah, one more thing. Black folks don’t go to outer space.

    Posted by 'Jiböla | April 15, 2011, 9:29 am
  10. I agree… Tired of Madea… But I so loved L♥√ع and Basketball… Even looking for the movie now… Been looking for a male bestie ever since 😦

    Posted by nengie | April 15, 2011, 9:40 am
  11. U forgot – “when they’re up for oscars or eventually win it, its always when the potray ‘negative’ roles… Halleberry, Denzel, Whitaker.

    Best black movie still remains “Bestman” though (just had to put that out there 😀 )

    Posted by RiCDiZzLe | April 15, 2011, 9:41 am
  12. Well, we can spend all day illustrating the negative things Hollywood has taught us about the “black man” but hey we are only strengthening the stereotype. The fact is, we are people of color. Aint gonna change, not today, definitely not tomorrow. So the sooner we start owning this greatness about us by refusing to be stereotyped the berra. The afro-American doesn’t always have to be the cross-dresser or the thug, body-guard, drug dealer, hoe on the streets…

    Btw, Hollywood has taught me a few good things about being colored too, at least we can lay claims to being the most religious.

    Posted by chinnydiva | April 15, 2011, 9:42 am
  13. “I think black people suck at making any kind of movie” <– pun intended?

    As for not having enough sex, well, the issue of our hypocrisy comes to mind… So many black people are in the porn industry yet, it's so hard to think up another "notable" black sex scene in a movie after Hale in Monster's Ball…

    Posted by thetoolsman | April 15, 2011, 9:45 am
  14. Well…its true…countless stereotypes…there’s also this one that they ALL speak with the same accent..nice one again!

    Posted by Jade Mustapha | April 15, 2011, 9:46 am
  15. You said a few, you only mentioned one? By the way, even in portraying us as being religious, I think there’s some stereotype in there. All rich or “successful” black people in movies tend to have “strange” views about God and religion..no?

    Posted by thetoolsman | April 15, 2011, 9:48 am
  16. More often than not , therz a wife beater in black movies

    and Madea really does need to die ..it needs to die 😐

    Nice post as usual Tools 🙂

    Posted by admeon | April 15, 2011, 9:48 am
  17. hmmm…. Love the movie but “The Wood” and “Brown Sugar” are close contenders…

    Posted by thetoolsman | April 15, 2011, 9:49 am
  18. Wat about the one in N.O.T.O.R.I.O.U.S? i didn’t think that was bad by ‘black’ standards…

    Posted by ilCicero | April 15, 2011, 9:58 am
  19. nah.. it looked cheap -__-

    Posted by thetoolsman | April 15, 2011, 10:04 am
  20. Ermm…blaCk gangsters are the ones that actually “squeeze” first and ask questions last!! Not the po po!!…and I get lagos hunter, black movies are mostly full of self pity..closest to a cool black moive..TAKERS(and the coolest guys on the team were white! IMO)And yerr black porn is disgusting’…hey LH can I get a link??….deuces!

    Posted by mr I'm out of this world | April 15, 2011, 10:09 am
  21. well tbh, that was the only one that immediately came to mind then. We are also the most family oriented according to Hollywood and popular opinion.
    I’m not saying these are untruths, I’m only saying we shouldn’t focus more on the negatives. After all, Hollywood really is a ‘white man’s’ invention but we can make good and are doing so already with some Nollywood films that portray us in better light. Emphasis on some…or maybe a few.

    Posted by chinnydiva | April 15, 2011, 10:12 am
  22. Tight one once again…Ʊ forgot to add d fact dat dey always hav to b d first to die in horror movies…lol

    Posted by MallamSawyerr | April 15, 2011, 10:14 am
  23. Anyone who speaks properly is “bougie” or “talking white”
    Professional black women find it difficult to find suitable men to date (which is true in real life though)

    Black women are always upset when they see a black man with a white woman.(Not always true)

    Posted by nonametoday | April 15, 2011, 10:24 am
  24. not only horror movies… most movies and they also do the darndest things!

    Posted by ilCicero | April 15, 2011, 10:30 am
  25. Err.. as much as i agree with you on that second point, there’s a whole lot going on behind it.. we’ll save that for another day…

    Posted by thetoolsman | April 15, 2011, 10:30 am
  26. Err.. what’s going on here? Anyways, #IMO T.I was the coolest character in Takers and all this talk about black porn.. come on guys.. (most) black people are scared/irritated by seeing nude white folks..

    Posted by thetoolsman | April 15, 2011, 10:36 am
  27. Tula!! The Wood? Seriously?? I’d pick Love and Basketball/ Brown Sugar anyday. But even the characters in both are stereotypical. IMO, black people need to stop making ‘black movies’ and just concentrate on making plain ole movies.

    Btw, I beg to differ abt the monster’s ball sex scenes. They looked quite cheap to me. There’s really nothing more disgusting than watching Billy Bob Thornton shagging a babe, even if its one as hawt as Halle…

    Posted by Sam-Sam | April 15, 2011, 10:56 am
  28. Oh, I almost forgot….

    #TeamDeathToMadea #TeamDeathToMadea #TeamDeathToMadea #TeamDeathToMadea #TeamDeathToMadea #TeamDeathToMadea #TeamDeathToMadea #TeamDeathToMadea #TeamDeathToMadea #TeamDeathToMadea #TeamDeathToMadea #TeamDeathToMadea #TeamDeathToMadea #TeamDeathToMadea #TeamDeathToMadea

    Posted by Sam-Sam | April 15, 2011, 11:03 am
  29. What’s wrong with The Wood.. I think every young black dude should watch that movie.. so many classic scenes “The p*ssy jar” camman..
    As for black people making plain ole movies, thank God for Will Smith.. cause I really don’t see those studio execs giving all that budget to a Tyler Perry if he aint making people laugh (or at least trying to)…

    Posted by thetoolsman | April 15, 2011, 11:16 am
  30. Hahahahaha… Sam-sam… Whatapen….? (o_O) sugar Mummy madea experience..?

    Posted by Adahna | April 15, 2011, 11:23 am
  31. Whoa!!….cool down na!!!…I love madea oh!!!…like mad!!….and uncle joe…esp uncle joe!!!!…

    Posted by mr I'm out of this world | April 15, 2011, 11:52 am
  32. U forgot the nu stereotype that is growing on hollywood!THE WISE BLACK GUY/WOMAN!queen latifah in ‘what happens in vegas(well,and every other movie she acts in),the black woman in eat pray love!Seriously though,most stereotypes r true though n yea b4 1970,the white man WAS the devil!

    Posted by divadrama | April 15, 2011, 11:54 am
  33. o_O.. is this the same Mr. I’m out of this world? Madea? Come on.. I’ll even pick Martin Lawrence’s Big Momma (In part 1) over her ..I mean, him..

    Posted by thetoolsman | April 15, 2011, 11:55 am
  34. Would “Crash” be classified under Black Hollywood.? If it would be, then that”ll be the maddest black hollywood film…what’s the definition of a black hollywood film sef?

    Posted by Commentator | April 15, 2011, 12:32 pm
  35. Tyler Perry and his movies makes me want to VOM!!….. So literal! Horrible!!Infact, no words!!..and that crying thing he did on Oprah…sheesh…
    The family that preys and Dady’s little girl are the worst of all his movies… And i bet he knows this!!…

    But you know what? He’s a businessman, he’s just looking to make a buck (excuse my gross misuse of words)… and he saw a ready market there and tapped, much as i hate them, i cnt fault his business sense…so y’all better grab some cool-aid & buckle up for more eye rolling…cos doesnt look like he’s slowing down anytime soon.

    The stereotyping is insane…yes, we all agree about that!!

    Posted by @gorgeousbskin | April 15, 2011, 1:04 pm
  36. Always 1 black dude in every high school movie

    Posted by Actor No dey die | April 15, 2011, 1:05 pm
  37. Lol!!!!…..I know the madea movie is the same ol’ same ol’ self pity/redemption crap!!!!…but c’mon!! The madea and unCle joe characters are hilarious!!

    Posted by mr I'm out of this world | April 15, 2011, 1:17 pm
  38. who’s seen “for colored girls” its not such a bad tyler perry movie…. though it portrayed black men in very very bad light.. they were either rapist, or gay,cheats or messed up in d head / suicidal….

    its a movie adaptation of some critically acclaimed stage play which he remade..erm well..u can call it a melodrama…but i was moved by d story line sha..

    another stereotype, at least one black man always cheats on his wife/gf in black movies

    Posted by ugofrances | April 15, 2011, 1:48 pm
  39. @tula nutn wrong with the Wood. It just kinda left me hanging. Like the budget ran out before the movie was finished and they couldn’t be bothered to finish it. *shrugs*

    @adahna sugar mummy experience ke? From a Madea type? If I was a guy and that happened to me, I’d laff my head off in her presence

    Posted by Sam-Sam | April 15, 2011, 2:10 pm
  40. LOOOOL!! all big momma’s have a striking resemblance to Aunt Jemima?? *Dead*

    Posted by tolz | April 15, 2011, 2:27 pm
  41. dead from laughing…… Please, Try posting something on horror film wisdom too..

    Posted by Ivory Malinov | April 15, 2011, 2:30 pm
  42. lol..well.. technically, I don’t think so.. For it to qualify as a black movie, the cast should be predominantly black.. Crash is an awesome movie though..

    Posted by thetoolsman | April 15, 2011, 2:38 pm
  43. Sad but true…

    Posted by thetoolsman | April 15, 2011, 2:39 pm
  44. lol… I’ll probably go one step better and do something on Nollywood…

    Posted by thetoolsman | April 15, 2011, 2:41 pm
  45. 9yc 1,but u forgot to say that When a black people become rich,they move to a mighty mansion in a white neighborhood(probably d biggest) and employ a Latino maid..

    The only legit rich black people in movies are mostly lawyers.. we only get to be doctors in sitcoms and series.. no stockbrokers, bankers or engineers

    Posted by bbagbo | April 15, 2011, 2:44 pm
  46. I think that would be fun

    Posted by chinnydiva | April 15, 2011, 3:40 pm
  47. Mehn, I totally dislike black movies, they don’t help themselves at all…

    Posted by Ada | April 15, 2011, 3:57 pm
  48. Yeah and in series and movies there always has to be this one random-not-a-relevant-role-but-we-just-had-to-add-a-black-person-to-the-cast-just-so-it-would be politically correct.

    Posted by StephanieIj | April 15, 2011, 5:01 pm
  49. Most Tyler Perry characters grate on my nerves,though “Madea Goes To Jail” was a good one. “Love n Basketball” is my all time fav black movie;Brown Sugar,The Wood n Deliver us 4rm Eva are not bad but The Best Man was bleh.

    Posted by izzie | April 15, 2011, 5:09 pm
  50. Two Can Play That Game and I Can Do Bad(All By Myself) aren’t bad too.

    Posted by Sam-Sam | April 15, 2011, 6:09 pm
  51. Hahahahahaha!
    So funny and yet so …so true.
    17 crosses over into real life I’d say tho…:)

    Posted by Mocha | April 15, 2011, 9:42 pm
  52. Haha, lmao.. y’all know ‘Madea’ is smiling his way to BofA every freaking day, right? Shii, I’d take that over being Spike Lee and his broke-ass cousin ANYDAY…

    I know those movies suck but dude has perfected the way of beating a dead horse that makes money for HIM. And I can’t be mad at that… The world is his oyster/maga which ever way you look at it…

    Posted by Mobobbs | April 18, 2011, 10:18 am
  53. Hello good notice to all young guys/girls in search of sugar mummy/daddy,here i am an agent that can help you to get it any were in the country. So call today to get your desired mummy/daddy now on{08076265935}thanks.

    Posted by MR BEN RACE | May 30, 2012, 5:42 pm

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