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The Penis Monologues Remix (Scene 1 & 2)

Scene 1: Limp (By @JCphoenixx)

I used to pride myself on customer satisfaction.

The sounds of content that involuntarily escaped the lips of every one of my conquests

The sighs.

The moans.

The pleading.

The violation of the third commandment.

The look of amazement as I thrust them over the line of ecstasy.

They say you never know what you ‘Hard’ till its gone.

That’s all I can think about as I lay here – LIMP.

I used to be more than this.

I’m a successful man, but I’d trade it all to be able to command a rush of blood to my penis at will, without having to resort to blue pills.

“What’s wrong darling”? She asks.

Her voice irritates me. I think I detect a hint of sarcasm.

Can’t believe I found her attractive.

She’s lying there, looking at me. There it is! The beginnings of a smile!

“What! You can’t get it up”? She says.

“Fuck you” I say.

But deep down, I know I won’t. Can’t.

Scene 2: The drunk (By @SheriphSkills)


Bobo no go die unless *hic

Du du ke du… du ke…


What? What?

Why are you all looking at me as if I killed Jesus…

Oh, she sent you abi.. You are all here to mock me. Mock us.

Me and my penis .

Junior you hear that? They want to mock us…


Well… *burrrppp

I have news for you… Weee don’t carrreee…

So my wife sent you.. She’s always jealous of me sleeping with other women.

She keeps forgetting how I came to marry her.


My dear wife Ronke, what a gorgeous woman she is.

Very domineering… she rides me like a warrior on his stallion..

We met at a bar. Suraju the bartender had blessed me four times with my usual – Senior Udeme…

She sat alone in the corner sipping that Oyinbo green bottle – Heineken

I like my women a little meaty and at size 10, she was well endowed and perfect.

She just had her heart broken by some idiot. Don’t blame the blind fool.

We got talking easily and after introducing her to Udeme, we both downed two bottles each and then other juices began to flow.

We flew my Honda Chairman to my house and it wasn’t until I saw Morufu, my resident rat laughing at me as I opened the door that I realized how inebri .. inbreni..


Inebriated I was …

I tried to take charge but erm.. Rolake… I mean, Ronke… hiss, Ronke jo…

She was too heart broken and in no time she was galloping me away…

I woke up in the arms of my 300 kg lover the next morning.

Yes o.. 300 KILOGRAMS.. Apo iresi mefa (3 bags of rice) .. *hic

No wonder I couldn’t take charge…

Baby Yetunde came 9 months after and further ENLARGED our coast..


So you see why we don’t care?

What’s the worst you’ll do, you’ll call me irresponsible, you’ll call me a drunk?

And I’ll respond…

*singing*  – Ma jaye ori mi.. *hic.. emi o meyin ola o… (I will enjoy my life because I don’t know what tomorrow will bring)


There you go guys. First two scenes from the penis monologues. I’m sure most guys can relate to both scenes (yes, MOST.. even the first). It’s time to hear from you. To share your thoughts, opinions and erm… (praises for the awesome writers), use the comment box. Cheers.


About thetoolsman

I mostly refer to myself as an unrepentant media addict .. Well, cause I'm mostly always hunting for information through one media channel or the other... Hit me up on twitter @thetoolsman


91 thoughts on “The Penis Monologues Remix (Scene 1 & 2)

  1. Just claiming my birthright. now back to post 😐

    Posted by MsJulz | April 20, 2011, 9:03 am
  2. ….oddly, i can relate to the first scene, last night i tried to get it up…

    nails, pins, gum, even eba….it wont just stay


    Posted by Zara | April 20, 2011, 9:05 am
  3. @sheriphskills,mad man. Nice1. Majeaye ori mi men.confirm!

    Posted by hustlergbangba | April 20, 2011, 9:05 am
  4. Great Job
    Wondered how you were going to play this
    I totally see the view from d monologues
    The duduke du du ke got me rolling,
    Festus you really are a good writer
    The well put together phrases and puns in the middle are proof
    And skills is just a mad man hehehehe I’d recognize ur writing anywhere
    Thumbs up tula, can’t wait for the next scenes

    Posted by 36f | April 20, 2011, 9:07 am
  5. *Scene 1
    “The violation of the third commandment.

    The look of amazement as I thrust them over the line of ecstasy.

    They say you never know what you ‘Hard’ till its gone.”
    Crazy! lol.

    *Scene 2
    Sheriph haff kill me o!!!!

    Okay…waiting for scenes 3 & 4…

    Posted by The Capoeira Panda | April 20, 2011, 9:08 am
  6. (Y)

    Posted by Missy | April 20, 2011, 9:11 am
  7. She: “How endowed are you?”
    Me: *Smiling* “I let my penis speak for itself…..”

    I am @LagosHUNTER and I say welcome to the “Penis Monologues”

    @toolsman,@SheriphSkills & @JCphoenixx, 10 gbosas!……una do well.

    Posted by Lagoshunter | April 20, 2011, 9:15 am
  8. i can relate to scene 2. The other day it got so drunk it was belly dancing. Then it woke up with a hang over.

    Posted by MsJulz | April 20, 2011, 9:15 am
  9. hahahaha *points and laffs some more* damn right, the sarcasm is real, forget the look on her face as she seems to probe why. when next u see me with a smile dancing around my lips, just know that i’m inwardly mocking yall for those times (when) u just cnt get it up and what’s worse, u r helpless *evil cackle* oh wait pop ur pill, drink ur alomo

    Thumbs up to Sheriphskills & JCphoenixx, both honorary residents of Yaba left

    Posted by AA | April 20, 2011, 9:17 am
  10. Tula!!!!!!!…..we go talk for camera. Nice

    Posted by Actor Still Never Die? | April 20, 2011, 9:22 am
  11. sublime… witty… sarcasm at its very best…

    Posted by 'il Cicero' | April 20, 2011, 9:22 am
  12. I can relate to the first…my ex always hd a problem gettin ‘it’ up or keepin it hard, always blamed it on hunger or d fact dt I got a ping while in action, to him dt vibratn killed his morale..lol..happened a numbr of times..didn’t believe his excuses tho.once or 2wice is acceptable, bt 5 or more consecutive times? It’s either he didn’t find me attractive again(not possible) or there ws smthn clinically wrng(a doctor shld b visited)..okbye

    Posted by sexydevil | April 20, 2011, 9:26 am
  13. Nice.. I like

    Posted by nobs | April 20, 2011, 9:27 am
  14. Wonder if we could get this to Terraculture :D….i of course go act my role…..*now singing* orobo u weee, orobo uwee…….something something…gorodom…. *drops michaelphone*

    Posted by @Sheriphskills | April 20, 2011, 9:27 am
  15. This is beautiful writing!!!I love..skills, phoenix…**applause**

    Posted by kechilauren | April 20, 2011, 9:27 am
  16. Hahahaha yes yes yes, nice 1 guys. I can relate to scene 2, made me swear to stop drinking many times and then the next night……… beautiful work guys, I have subscribed to this, waiting for 10 am tomorrow.

    Posted by Keyzer Soze | April 20, 2011, 9:30 am
  17. Bwuahahaha…ayam seriously laffin my balls off (yes I said balls…we’re at d Penis Monologues after all).
    Beautiful writing…som tight ass satires mehn…great job guys…guess I’ve gotten 2 mor peeps to follow on twitter…

    Posted by musingsofagidimallam | April 20, 2011, 9:33 am
  18. I. Love. It.

    (Y) @SheriphSkills and @JCphoenixx

    IMpatiently waiting for the rest 🙂

    Posted by 'Dania | April 20, 2011, 9:34 am
  19. Good job guys.
    I particularly like @JcPheonixx use of puns and Skills’ natural unwellness.

    Posted by minini | April 20, 2011, 9:37 am
  20. This is fucking awesome guys..I love! Can’t wait for more scenes…@tola..u got d drunk part wella sha *side eye*

    Posted by Adey | April 20, 2011, 9:37 am
  21. Lmaooo @lagoshunter..! Are girls allowed to comment on this too..? They(not we) should be given the (o_O) look oh..! Oga Jcphoenix and Skills nice one..!

    Posted by adahna | April 20, 2011, 9:39 am
  22. Great job JC..I loved it..especially d puns and exclmations..Oga Abija aka sheriff, anyday u musto represent, it musta bn easy getting into character, no? Lovely one bro! Thumbs up Tools, nice mix uve got ‘ere

    Posted by Kelvin | April 20, 2011, 9:39 am
  23. yea, i can toedly relate to all of this. my ex and i had sex a number of times and i can actually count how many times he ‘came’… for some reason i wud never know. the first time, i said ‘maybe its cos its the first time’, but then it kept happening. it was just always awkward. like he wud get hard but and get in there but he neva ‘made it’
    it really hurt my self esteem, i felt very unattractive after a while, and now that we aint together anymore, even with the silence, i still believe this played a key role in the break-up!
    i cud go on and on but this is tending towards a blogpost as opposed to a comment.LOL
    i’ll stop by saying… nice one guys… these things really need to be heard and talked about!

    Posted by KIKI | April 20, 2011, 9:40 am
  24. I have died ohhh. I can soooo see this showing at Terrakulture with Skills playing Skills, of course. Sorry, i mean ‘The Drunk’. Nice 1 mehn. As for @JC Phoenixx, i totally luvvv you

    Posted by Sam Sam | April 20, 2011, 9:40 am
  25. rotflmfbaooooo!!!

    Posted by 'il Cicero' | April 20, 2011, 9:43 am
  26. Good writing men, very good puns on d first monologue, and as for the 2nd; hilarious. As Muammar Gaddafi said: ‘All women are beautiful after 6 bottles of Udeme’

    Posted by Sick_Sage | April 20, 2011, 9:43 am
  27. LOL! Nice post

    Posted by layo | April 20, 2011, 9:46 am
  28. plix plix plix…..i am very well and sober at the moment….even if u think i’m unwell, u still loff me

    Posted by @Sheriphskills | April 20, 2011, 9:49 am
  29. Adey….i’m not a drunk nor an alcoholic, i just get thirsty a lot and don’t drink anything that doesn’t come with % on the bottle *straight face*

    Posted by @Sheriphskills | April 20, 2011, 9:51 am
  30. Nice! I knew skills still had some crazy left in him. Was beginning to get worried about his relative ‘saneness’these days. @JCPhoenixx now ff u!!!

    Posted by SlevinCalevra | April 20, 2011, 9:51 am
  31. nice post, i can see terra culture calling. so skills na ronke u go marry last last

    Posted by jiballzzz | April 20, 2011, 9:51 am
  32. i await your own post ….oniranu

    Posted by @Sheriphskills | April 20, 2011, 9:52 am
  33. hmm! Interesting stuff guys…

    Now am thinking,
    What if sex never enervates the penis?

    hmmmm! *thinking*

    Posted by Redribs | April 20, 2011, 9:52 am
  34. Seven Carina…..i wonder why Tools didn’t involve u in this…..u wey no well, ur insanity makes me look sane

    Posted by @Sheriphskills | April 20, 2011, 9:53 am
  35. Bastaaaarrrrrrrdddd!!!!!!!

    Posted by @Sheriphskills | April 20, 2011, 9:54 am
  36. Absolutely wonderful….can’t relate to scene 1 cos it has neva happened(tho i hear evryman will experience it sometime in life) but scene two is on point….lmao…
    Thumbs up seriphskills n jcphoenix

    Posted by DL | April 20, 2011, 9:58 am
  37. Hahahaha! This is hilarious! great work guys… Looking forward to more…

    Posted by nengie | April 20, 2011, 10:03 am
  38. Rotflmao!!

    Naiz post! JC ur puns r jst unwell

    Uncle sheriff….apo bag rice mefa….I fell off my bed laffin…u r evil.


    Posted by Immortal TeddyBear | April 20, 2011, 10:06 am
  39. Scene 2: ROTLMAO!!!
    Babalawo na mad man! #Deeeeep! LOL! (Inside joke)
    I totally love the monologue idea! Good going! Du du ke du… 🙂

    Posted by Delphine | April 20, 2011, 10:11 am
  40. of course, i don’t have a choice :d

    Posted by minini | April 20, 2011, 10:13 am
  41. LoooL *rolling* @ akpo iresi meta ..loool .. Nice post ..very (y)

    Posted by admeon | April 20, 2011, 10:18 am
  42. Ok, I don vex. All of una don push me enter wall mehn. I gats go start my own blog. Mek me sef enter the middle of this clique. Yeah, I said ‘clique’… I see all y’all on twitter, promoting each other’s ish, retweeting your links, leaving comments, and I’ve gots to admit, y’all write and promote good ish too. I shouldn’t have no problem gettin in *hehe*

    On the reals though, and on the whole too: Great job y’alls

    Posted by Ola-Tokunbo | April 20, 2011, 10:19 am
  43. Amazing… Writing skills top notch… Well done guys!!!
    I’m a girl but I hv (vicariously)experienced scene one….
    Its all shades of annoying and a very difficult position to be in for both parties. The sarcasm u captured so aptly happens too but for the most part *where the rship invloves luv*; its more likely that while the guy is feeling worthless the chic on the other hand is feeling unattractive; like she cnt get her man “UP”….. Its a slippery slope….

    I’v been with a guy whom we dare not take 10secs to change position else he’l lose his erection and once down *mid shag* that’s it!! Never resurecting till maybe next day; so wat this meant was we were stuck doing ONE frigging thing till whenever,…. Can we all say ROTTEN SEX?!! Of cos it ended..

    “Men always worry about their performance in the sack; unfortunately they have an appendage that doesn’t work when they worry”…. Anne Hathaway in Luv & other drugs

    Posted by @gorgeousbskin | April 20, 2011, 10:22 am
  44. Dis is pure raw talent at its best… Amazing n hilarious

    Posted by ibimensah | April 20, 2011, 10:23 am
  45. Looool i’m loving dis *waiting for d remaining scenes*

    Posted by MissLindie | April 20, 2011, 10:25 am
  46. Lwkmd, Lwtmb, Rotflmao, Plus any other kind of hysterical laughter possible. OMG!!! Every single line is so funny I can’t even highlight anyone… All I can say is… WELL DONE… Keep ’em coming… Lmao.

    Posted by Glory Okubo | April 20, 2011, 10:26 am
  47. loooool i’m loving dis! *waiting for the remaining scenes*

    Posted by MissLindie | April 20, 2011, 10:27 am
  48. Hahaha! Tola why fear catch you?

    Posted by The Capoeira Panda | April 20, 2011, 10:34 am
  49. Rotflmao..dis is totally crazy, just like the writer, more importantly its on point and I believe everybody can relate to it..xcpt ur a V, or u dey claim V..and if u are…get a life and jaiye ori eee.. Definitely lookin forward to d next one..cheers

    Posted by wireless | April 20, 2011, 10:44 am
  50. “They say you never know what you ‘Hard’ till its gone.” LOL. Totally love it! All of it!

    Posted by modegun | April 20, 2011, 10:48 am
  51. Really creative writing. I enjoyed. I might relate a tiny bit to act 1, being jaded.

    But then again, there’s really no ‘ta-da’ moment to life is what I learnt. We have to enjoy the little joys and when we get tired of them, find other ones to enjoy.

    More, soon.

    Posted by afrosays | April 20, 2011, 10:51 am
  52. Well maybe he’s ‘kini’ don block as in hice block..it just wldnt flow

    Posted by jadesola | April 20, 2011, 10:52 am
  53. Pls, I’ll like to know where I could get a read-up on the vagina monologues, like a web link or sumtin. I think I’m not quite getting the humour like y’all are… and I have a feeling it’s sorta linked to the original writing…

    Maybe I’m not just clever enuff to catch on…

    Posted by Incognito | April 20, 2011, 10:53 am
  54. ℓ☺ℓ…this is hilarious guys(green oyinbo bottle)lmao. great stuff,luved it

    Posted by @Lol_itsTUMI | April 20, 2011, 10:54 am
  55. Hmmmmmmm…
    @sheriphskills…baa magana!

    Posted by misscwa | April 20, 2011, 10:57 am
  56. This post has groan on me.

    Posted by UncleJevi | April 20, 2011, 11:04 am
  57. I really like this. It’ll be great to hear from the guys point of view.

    Posted by Gbemi | April 20, 2011, 11:05 am
  58. err, although it appears like you had something to do with it,it is unlikely. A person’s sexuality hard has anything to do with their partners. If you could speak with your ex’ current/past GF (wife?) I’m sure their (her) story may not be different from yours…..just my 2 kobo contribution.

    Posted by Lagoshunter | April 20, 2011, 11:09 am
  59. This is crazy! Haha!..*faints* I sympathise with the young man in scene 1…scene 2 made my mum throw that ‘is this one mad’ look when I was laughing! Can’t wait for 3&4!

    Posted by Jade Mustapha | April 20, 2011, 11:27 am
  60. ‘Bad sex’ is worse than ‘no sex’
    Givers are criminals and receivers are victims.
    Death to bad sex!!

    #Gbam!! —–> “Men always worry about their performance in the sack; unfortunately they have an appendage that doesn’t work when they worry”…. Anne Hathaway in Luv & other drugs

    Posted by Lagoshunter | April 20, 2011, 11:32 am
  61. And btw..dat penis looks like a bone!

    Posted by jadesola | April 20, 2011, 12:13 pm
  62. Thank you Sir..

    Posted by thetoolsman | April 20, 2011, 12:31 pm
  63. hmmm…you know what they say about penises that speak out of turn…

    Posted by chinnydiva | April 20, 2011, 12:42 pm
  64. Festus had me at hello…this only strengthens the ‘having’. (DISCLAIMER: this is not a thirsty comment) Great writing, you guys should check out his blog too.

    Tola…ibu nnoo onye isi mgbaka! bwuhahahahahahaha! Your quirky sense of humor always gets me! Very nice. (y)

    I have no limp stories to share…but really Skills,how you go feel say the babe na size 10? lmao!

    Posted by chinnydiva | April 20, 2011, 12:58 pm
  65. whatever u said in ibo…same to you :D….Nne biko, the piece was fiction na

    Posted by skilobo | April 20, 2011, 1:09 pm
  66. Am so sorry…..but could you please include the size of his penis next time….it will give me a clearer view of what’s going on…LWKMD…can’t wait for the other scenes..

    Posted by Titi | April 20, 2011, 1:30 pm
  67. man….You guys (JC and Skills) are crazy for this one..top notch stuff.

    Posted by awizi | April 20, 2011, 1:48 pm
  68. nice!!!

    Posted by Mobanks | April 20, 2011, 2:07 pm
  69. @jadesola: LMAO! “His kini don block like h’ice block” INSANE!

    Posted by Delphine | April 20, 2011, 2:13 pm
  70. HEY! So yeah Thanks everyone for the really nice comments, I’m just reading it myself, skills. Wayray.

    Posted by JCpx | April 20, 2011, 2:24 pm
  71. LMAO!!! Skills has finally slain me!!!..really nice post..good work @jcphoenix. Can’t wait for the rest.

    Posted by Spiffy | April 20, 2011, 2:41 pm
  72. errr…of course!It’s called a BONER!

    Posted by 'il Cicero' | April 20, 2011, 2:42 pm
  73. #ameebopost … i noticed that most ladies loved @jcphoenixx (*where shhd i put d apostrophe sef?*) post not because of the style (i mean grammer style) but prolly bcos they carry that smirk on their faces more often than not!!! lol

    Posted by 'il Cicero' | April 20, 2011, 2:47 pm
  74. Wow 9ice one *laffin*.

    Posted by princegio | April 20, 2011, 2:49 pm
  75. So ur own penis looks like a chicken bone? O_o I’m sorry I can’t relate. s

    Posted by jadesola | April 20, 2011, 3:36 pm
  76. Hahahahahahahaha! NICE! Posted a comment earlier but apparently it got lost in transmission *side eye @ etisalat*. Totally love what Toolz is doing with them monologues. Bringing great writers together. Lovely!

    Posted by Nono | April 20, 2011, 5:09 pm
  77. Hehehe….nice!! I can relate wv ds!!!

    Posted by ibetapassmyneighbour | April 20, 2011, 6:31 pm
  78. Had to google the vagina monologues to get the whole idea, not sure I liked what I saw, anyway moving on, does sheriphskills have a blog too? I am becoming a groupie for toolsman’s blog and jcphoenixx’s too. Wish I could write like that too.

    Posted by loba | April 20, 2011, 7:18 pm
  79. u guys need to put this together and make it into an actual, live dialogue, on stage or sth…. Awesome shit!!! LOOOOL

    Posted by tolz | April 20, 2011, 8:15 pm
  80. Best post I’ve read all week. Funny, witty, #Deep, #Hard even when limp. My deepest respects for d writers, hopefully they also have blogs I can follow.

    Posted by Ex-whore | April 21, 2011, 1:51 am
  81. This is just insane! Alchi is a binsh sha! She was a size ’10’ the nigth before and he wondered why he couldn’t take charge’ infact … I aint done ROTFLMLO :: I’ll b back’

    Posted by DavidUzzi | April 21, 2011, 5:14 am
  82. Lmafao …..very hilarious. @Sheripskills, you are hilarious and i loved the way you used the pidgin and the yoruba…AWESOME.
    @JCPX loved the use of words especially “You never know what you “Hard” until you lose it”..lol
    I cant wait for the rest.

    Posted by Tanwa | April 21, 2011, 5:15 am
  83. Hahaha.Hilarious!!!Can’t wait for the next scenes.

    Posted by DiOxide | April 21, 2011, 7:29 am
  84. Very nice, alcohol is a bitch…

    Posted by msyewieo | April 21, 2011, 7:55 am
  85. This is nicely written and enjoyed both scenes! Drink is not always the answer o! Whatever happened to divorce???

    Posted by pj | April 21, 2011, 7:56 am
  86. I’m a successful man, but I’d trade it all to be able to command a rush of blood to my penis at will, without having to resort to blue pills. <——- love this.

    Posted by kk | April 21, 2011, 1:47 pm
  87. This is Gooooooooodddddd. Am still in awe.

    Posted by @dapsins | April 22, 2011, 9:38 am
  88. @phoenix now singing Rude Boy by Rihanna 4 u
    @skillz lolz @ apo iresi mefa

    Posted by Onome | April 22, 2011, 12:00 pm
  89. @Phoenix now playing Rude boy by Rihanna
    @skillz Lolz @ apo iresi mefa

    Posted by Onome | April 22, 2011, 12:19 pm
  90. and they don’t like man….i need to attend a finishing and grammar school

    Posted by @Sheriphskills | April 26, 2011, 8:55 am
  91. yes i do ….

    Posted by @Sheriphskills | April 26, 2011, 8:57 am

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