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The Vagina Monologues Remix Finale.

Breaking & Entering By @Ms_Dania
I really wish I didn’t have It. Wish I could cut it out.  After all, I didn’t ask for it. And it has done nothing for me.
It is the reason they’ve followed me since I was 6.
Tunde and Jerry in the play ground, trying to see under my dress as I went up and down the Janglova.
Up and down.
It is the reason Andrew, 24, stalked me when I was 12.
What else would he want with a child half his age?
Chris broke it off with me because he wasn’t getting It. Turns out he couldn’t do without Pussy after all.
I remember when I used to guard It sacredly. “Sit like a girl!” mama would say. “Close your legs!” the teacher would say, “You’re a lady”, and then all the boys would start to giggle. Silly little pricks.
And so I sat and closed and guarded preciously; my vagina; my ladyship.

Until he came along.
And took It. Just like that.
It really wasn’t his fault I think. It was IT.
I told him it was mine and mine alone. At least until someone took possession of me formally and then the person would inherit it.
He accepted.
But then he started to kiss me. And touch me. And then IT started to feel things. I didn’t understand; I still don’t. Why was one set of lips reacting when the other was getting kissed?
He pushed me down on the bed. I started to panic, but IT was loving it.
Let me go! My head screamed.
Why? IT replied, you’re loving it.
My mouth just whimpered.
He pulled down my skirt forcefully and slapped my thighs apart. My head won. STOP, I screamed.  He took off my panties. NO! I started to cry. He looked at the tears on my face and faltered.
Then he looked at IT and IT said to him, look I have tears too, I’m wet too.
And he broke in and took It. Just like that he took it.
It was not yours for the taking you fucking bastard.
It’s one year after and he’s still here. What can I say? He was the first. He’s taken my ladyship; he has to have me.

I hate him.
I hate my vagina.
I want to cut it out.

But then I have to pee.

The Angry Vagina By @miafarradaily
Hello Men. How y’all doing? On behalf of my furious vagina, may I say:
Fuck you, cocks, schlongs, penises, johnsons, Mr. ‘your owner calls you happy but the only person you make truly happy is your owner’.
You don’t know shit.
You don’t know what it’s like to be wandering along, living your private little life and then for some greater good bullshit, it suddenly starts to rain red pain.
You ache and you cramp and you’re confused and just when you think, “finally, some sympathy!” someone shoves a big phallic piece of absorbent shit right up you.
Once and again, every 4-6 hours, every month of every year of your life that matters.
My blood, my pain, my agony.
Hey you! Yeah, you! Sitting in the back there…crossing your legs and playing with your phone under the table…
You came from a vagina.
You came from blood and pain and agony.
You came from OUR blood, OUR pain, OUR agony.
What’s that? Birth is a miracle? Motherhood is an honour? Are you kidding me with this Hallmark bullshit?
It’s a miracle I haven’t honoured you with death yet.
Indignity? Let me tell you about indignity!
Indignity is having some young kid with two consonants in front of their name poke and prod and shove metal as far into you as they can.
“This will be a little cold’ “This might be a tad uncomfortable”.
No, douchebag, looking at your stupid little face is uncomfortable.  Those shoes I got on sale are uncomfortable. Going jogging in a g-string is uncomfortable.
Having a SPECULUM, a metal instrument of torture thrust and then expanded inside me? Uncomfortable, you say?
Why don’t you come a little closer, yeah that’s right…give me a good shot at your educated nose and I’ll show you uncomfortable.
Sex. Yeah, I see you; lady who wants to pretend having a vagina isn’t one big cosmic joke. Sex you say?
“Sex is good.” “Sex is nice.”
Remember your first time? Remember:
The blood.
The pain.
The agony
Remember that?
Oh, but now you’re saying “it gets better” Indeed.
You wear your ankles for earrings and in return you get the equivalent of a jumbo Toblerone bar.
You think this is fair?
There is NOTHING fair about having a vagina.
Know this: Swine get a better deal than you. They get to come for HALF A FREAKING HOUR. 30 minutes. And your clit gives you what, 5 minutes tops?

All pigs are equal, some pigs are more equal than others and Miss Piggy? Has a better sex life than you.
Sex. *snorts*
Sex is the cover up! Sex is the freaking distraction!
Here is the truth:
YOU ARE A RECEPTACLE for every promotion he didn’t get, every girl that said no, every squash game he lost…he pounds all of that into you and then leaves his salty detritus behind. On you; inside you; in that wet spot underneath you
A vagina: the most defenceless cavity in the human body.
At least a mouth has teeth. At least an asshole puts up a good fight. A vagina? Our traitorous vaginas? A pinch there, a lick here and they open up like flowers in the sunshine.
Not smiling anymore?
Not feeling so Amazonian?

So, we have come to the end of the monologues (*sniff). And a befitting end too. I’d have apologized for the length of today’s post but after reading it, I’m sure you know why I won’t. Share your thoughts on rape and the ‘injustice’ brought to the vagina, use the comment box, speak your mind. Cheers.

About thetoolsman

I mostly refer to myself as an unrepentant media addict .. Well, cause I'm mostly always hunting for information through one media channel or the other... Hit me up on twitter @thetoolsman


49 thoughts on “The Vagina Monologues Remix Finale.

  1. Wow, scene two was very intense

    Posted by SoniaofHBF | April 30, 2011, 10:02 am
  2. Yaaay! I’m the first today *dancing alanta*. Where’s my caprisonne?

    Posted by BawseLadyTonie | April 30, 2011, 10:04 am
  3. Shelt! Sonia beat me to it 😦

    Posted by BawseLadyTonie | April 30, 2011, 10:05 am
  4. I love these 2 posts…Good work.
    Like the last line of Scene 1 ‘but I have to pee’. Hate that feeling, when your mind is screaming ‘NO’ but your body is saying ‘Don’t stop’.

    Scene two – That is some very very furious vagina. You need to relax and let live, enjoy the pleasures of life.

    Posted by Iyamilele | April 30, 2011, 10:09 am
  5. Absolutely great stuff from both of them…kinda sad we’ve com to d end of another great series…Oh wellm..evrithings gotta end somtime
    So let’s see wat d commentators have to say…*grabs balangu n shilled Zobo Imperial*…

    Posted by musingsofagidimallam | April 30, 2011, 10:09 am
  6. sCene 1: ‘I hate my vagina….but then I have to pee’. Haha! Nice post yo.
    Scene 2: choi! That vagina is REALLY angry. Outraged. Nice one anyways.

    Posted by BawseLadyTonie | April 30, 2011, 10:11 am
  7. but then u have to pee? X_x

    miss piggy has a better sex life than me tho? LOOOL

    shit, is this life?

    Posted by Zara | April 30, 2011, 10:12 am
  8. hehe, yes I did….Finally

    Posted by SoniaofHBF | April 30, 2011, 10:12 am
  9. I want to be a pig in my next life -_-. Ok bye

    Posted by BawseLadyTonie | April 30, 2011, 10:14 am
  10. ‘Breaking & Entering’ By @Ms_Dania is by far the best monologue I have read here.It was so personal that reading it, I almost felt like I had a recently disvirgined vagina.
    That said,I am not a fan of B&E,I’d rather somebody else does the work & initial teachings.

    I enjoyed the passion of ‘The Angry Vagina’ By @miafarradaily….however, she kinda of lost me after these lines…..”Hello Men. How y’all doing? On behalf of my furious vagina, may I say:
    FUCK YOU!…”

    Swinging between the vagina monologuing for ‘itself’ and also monologuing as the owner of a vagina was incoherent and made me drift easily.

    Great work ladies! Toolsman,you’re simply the “Ladies Man”

    *Gbagauns & typos are mine, please don’t steal or photocopy!!

    Posted by Lagoshunter | April 30, 2011, 10:15 am
  11. Ok. Ok. Ok. Excellently well written,and thought provoking stuff. I’m impressed. Consider me a fan of all the writers from the PMs to the VMs, they are all just…wow!

    All I can say is…Do we get a closing song from the ladies too?


    Posted by ThinkTank | April 30, 2011, 10:27 am
  12. Scene 1 is beautiful… iLike very much, most girls can relate as to when ur vjayjay seems to have a mind and thought process of her own! And also the need to stay with someone simply becos he was first…

    Scene 2- angry? Yes! But why? Anyway, dat sed, I’d rather have me and my 5mins than be a piggy with 30mins #jussaying!

    Posted by deevagal | April 30, 2011, 10:41 am
  13. Oh my God mia… Oh my God..

    Posted by JCpx | April 30, 2011, 10:44 am
  14. Personally I thought it was fantastic… It was the most “different” writing style on display here.

    Posted by JCpx | April 30, 2011, 10:49 am
  15. Scene 1: great post, well written. i am sure majority of the girls can relate to this type of scenerio, maybe not getting disvirgined like so but getting fucked when you mind and vagina are still arguing.

    Scene 2: i liked how intense and angry the vagina, No! the owner of the vagina #Pause i kinda got lost on which pair of lips were expressing the anger! Great post nonetheless

    Posted by DemiladeR | April 30, 2011, 10:52 am
  16. No comment……*dats a comment btw*

    Posted by ibetapassmyneighbour | April 30, 2011, 11:13 am
  17. Damn!!! Deep!!!! Great!!!!!

    Posted by Henrietta Arthur-Worrey | April 30, 2011, 11:25 am
  18. I agree wiv @LagosHunter…Ada killed it mehn…altho I like Mia’s scene too…nobody has spoken wit dat much venom in any of d monologues…

    Posted by musingsofagidimallam | April 30, 2011, 11:29 am
  19. Hahahahahahahahhahah ROFLMFAO hahahahahahahah!! LOVED LOVED LOVED both of em. Beautiful. “But I have to pee” hahahahahahaha!!! Now I would err….mention my best 3 monologues but err….I’m sure its quite obvious. Great pieces ladies. We should do this again sometime. Adieu VMs.

    Posted by Nono | April 30, 2011, 11:43 am
  20. Scene 1, old, old theme, but some fantastic writing brings it right back to life.

    Scene 2 is intense (confusing at times tho) I admire its harsh cynicism. Life is hard. Love is a ruse. Your body (& maybe yr soul) is\are tools. Hardly Beautyful, but all true.

    (to follow, to follow)

    Posted by @osinubi | April 30, 2011, 11:49 am
  21. Wow that was one hell of an angry vagina…..

    Most guys I know are not fans of b&e cuz they worry she’ll contract feelings(yea feelings is an std 2 some) and they aren’t ready 4 such clingyness.

    When I think about my 1st time, I admit I’m filled with regrets. I don’t know who did the thinking, my head, my heart or it. Plus I was stupid, young and naïve. But then life goes on…

    Posted by katie | April 30, 2011, 12:06 pm
  22. Wow! *standing ovation*

    Posted by Griffin | April 30, 2011, 12:48 pm
  23. Speaking for myself, I avoid B&E simply because,it is too much work & zero pleasure with someone who has no experience but will always likely think of me and the word ‘bastard’ at the same time. Just no need & I don’t care much for feelings…..

    Posted by @LagosHunter | April 30, 2011, 1:29 pm
  24. Not quite..

    Posted by Loolie | April 30, 2011, 1:54 pm
  25. Like the time I should have crossed my legs from his hungry mouth, “But then I ha[d] to pee”.
    “A pinch there, a lick here and [it opened] up like [a flower] in the sunshine”

    Posted by 0_0 | April 30, 2011, 2:37 pm
  26. Wow.. @ms_dania; I see what you were talking about.. IT.. Wonderful writing, I’m never left wanting from any of your pieces..
    @miafarradaily; Wow! Just wow! Which isn’t very intelligent but conveys what I feel about that piece perfectly!
    You both have humbled me.. Excellent writing!

    Posted by Betty | April 30, 2011, 2:57 pm
  27. Epic
    “At least the asshole puts up a good fight” Hahahahahhahahaha

    Posted by Mike | April 30, 2011, 4:28 pm
  28. I loved both!!! The anger in Mia’s xter is soo palpable, i felt like someone was actually screaming at me…

    And Dania, looool at the end. And i loved the “He looked at the tears on my face and faltered. Then he looked at IT and IT said to him, look I have tears too, I’m wet too..” that was on point.

    So, its the end? *sigh* I think I’m going to cry…

    Posted by slimsiren | April 30, 2011, 4:50 pm
  29. Scene 1: old theme, refreshing outlook. The psychological trauma rape victims are subjected to can’t be over-flogged. “I want to cut it out…but then I’ve to pee”. LOL. Great job Dania.
    Scene 2: hell hath no fury like a vagina scorned. Very intense. I really liked it.
    A befitting ending indeed. All the writers of the VM Remix killed it. *”All Good Things (Come To An End) playing in the background* *sniff*

    Posted by Dotbabe | April 30, 2011, 5:39 pm
  30. I really like the madness in scene 2…both very beautiful pieces….

    Posted by jayajade | April 30, 2011, 6:16 pm
  31. Wow! Fantastic stuff! ‘i hate my vagina. I want to cut it out. But then I have to pee’ LMAO! I loved every scene of the VM!

    Posted by jenniferabah | April 30, 2011, 6:28 pm
  32. Oh wow, thanks 😀

    Posted by 'Dania | April 30, 2011, 6:46 pm
  33. I agree.


    Posted by 'Dania | April 30, 2011, 6:51 pm
  34. *sniff sniff*

    Posted by 'Dania | April 30, 2011, 7:06 pm
  35. Thanks, I was hoping someone would latch on to the fact that many girls feel the need to stay with their ‘first’ even if he’s a total douche bag.

    Posted by 'Dania | April 30, 2011, 7:41 pm
  36. Wonderful post Ada… Lol @ “but I have to pee”

    Posted by msyewieo | April 30, 2011, 10:09 pm
  37. All 8 scenes where absolutely fantastic. it wasn’t just that they each tackled different ‘chris’ issues, it was the way the did it that truly impressed me.
    Each writer but their own distinct style to the party and i must say that i’ve been inspired by every single one of them, PM & VM.

    Now, as regards these last two: scene 1 is absolutely brilliant. Ms. Idam has once again proven that she can write beautifully and make us laugh while addressing supposedly ‘sad’ topics.

    Scene 2 on the other hand was extremely passionate, i love the way Ms. Farradaily poured out her anger like an unending sea of lava from a disturbed volcano. the comparison to pigs was absolutely hillarious…

    Sad that that the VM & PM series have come to an end but grateful to Mr. Adetula for putting this together. I’ve discovered a lot of great bloggers in the last week or so because of ur series. You’ve truly outdone urself this time.

    Posted by freshprinz | April 30, 2011, 10:50 pm
  38. omg i totally loved the two. Haha loved the ending of the first one.. and wow, scene 2 was serious! loved it as well.

    Posted by kitkat | May 1, 2011, 3:37 am
  39. This aint business,this is personal!! If these raging Veejays went to an actual war they’d kill every prick on the battlefield twice!!

    Posted by oye | May 1, 2011, 4:50 am
  40. Scene 1 is really deep, n funny too…a lot of girls tend to attach *deeper-than-necessary* feelings to the guy who took it, if the guy’s not worth, pls move on,wats done is done

    Scene 2…OMG i can’t stop laughing…that is one angry vagina
    *wearing ur ankles as earrings* buhahahaha, that was classic…lovely conclusion to the sequel,kudos to the writers and toolsman

    Posted by loffy | May 1, 2011, 8:21 am
  41. Saved the Best for last! Perfecto! a thrilling end to an equally exciting series… thumbs up!

    Posted by 'il Cicero' | May 1, 2011, 9:01 am
  42. Nice piece of writing.. I like! Esp MsDania’s piece. IdDidn’t want to give it up to him at first but I’m glad I gave it to him eventually, albeit reluctantly.. But hey I wlda had to give it up sometime and he seemed right for d job..
    Erm.. Mia .. Angry much.. But hey I like d fact that I cld feel d anger from ova here. But hey its an unfair world but there’s really notin we can do about it..

    But truthfully, I’m glad this whole pussy and dick ranting tin is ova..*sigh* tot it would neva end. So now can we move on to sometin else. Tula, what next do u have for us.. Sooo looking forward to ur next post..

    Posted by Domina | May 1, 2011, 12:21 pm
  43. Strong stuff!
    I think a lot of V.M. stuff, plus a lot of other stuff buzzing in blogville today has women as victims.

    Is that a cliche position or is that really modern society’s reality?

    That women are still victims? Even more so, sexually?

    I’d have to ask around! Really!

    Posted by afrosays | May 2, 2011, 10:21 am
    Scene 1: So real! My goodness! I’m sure every girl can relate to those rebukes by their mum, “sit still, close ur legs, don’t you know u’re a lady? Yada-blah. *sigh* I was pretty much a tomboy as a kid (still am in many ways) so i didn’t really care much about sitting properly X_X
    The breaking and entering bit, my heart goes out to all the ladies who lost it that way…
    “But I have to pee..” LMAO!

    Scene2: VERY INTENSE!!!! Whoah!
    “Miss Piggy? Has a better sex life than you.” This made me cackle!

    Posted by Delphine | May 3, 2011, 10:40 am
  45. I’m still trying to understand if the clinginess to a guy who disvirgined you is a myth, cos it sure as hell didn’t happen to me o! Anyway…
    I LOVE scene 2. She’s such an angry, jaded disillusioned vagina…till she has her next best, earth shattering sexual experience. Can’t say, I’ve gone through that furious stage sha.

    Good job Tula; for bringing all these great and talented writers on your blog! Xx

    Posted by zanyfran | May 5, 2011, 6:44 am
  46. I think one ‘chris’ issue that wasn’t tackled is childbirth!!!

    Posted by specialeffectz | May 5, 2011, 9:06 am
  47. I loved both scenes. Especially scene 2. I can’t relate to it personally being a male homo sapien, but I loved it. REALlY NICE WORK Tuls!

    Posted by Terdoh | May 6, 2011, 4:12 pm
  48. @Dania nice post. Am I allowed to say that there seems to be a strain of hypocrisy in that post? In that some women find it diff to own thier actions actions and would gladly claim the ‘my mind is saying one thing but my vajayjay is overrulling it’ line?

    I know this sounds ‘asshole-ey’ *no pun* but no one, including women, can seperate themselves from thier sexuality. The problem is women bear the burden of having to ‘justify’ their desires… Question is, how do u deal widdit(ur sexuality)?.
    *the above is, of course, without prejudice to the breaking and entering part oh!*

    catch 22…lol. That being said, I think I’ve learned quite a bit from both posts.

    Posted by Akin_d | May 18, 2011, 2:30 pm

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