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Hey guys, so things are getting pretty busy here nowadays. Anyways, this has been a long time coming but I’m glad to finally announce the birth of our very own in house baby blogger’s category. Let me introduce y’all to our new category:  “Betty Tuesdays“.  I’ll now hand you over to your host, @Uberbetty.

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I could start by gushing about how this is such an awesome privilege. But I won’t. Thetoolsman knows how grateful I am to have been allotted this spot, I hope to thank him by spurning stories you’d like. However, I come with no grandiose aspirations as I’m just a story-teller. All I ask is that when you’re done reading, that you share your own related stories, opinions or impressions with me using the comment box. Here’s to New Beginnings. Cheers.

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His hands clenched the wheel tight. He was quiet. No one could tell from his bland exterior the chaos that roiled inside.

She raised a brow. “You’re awfully quiet today. Are you still upset about the Abdul thing?”

Abdul. Ahmed. Dapo. Chijioke. He couldn’t keep track anymore. She always went and came back and apologized. And he always took her back.

All because of money. He loved her. And he did believe she loved him.
But these other dudes could take care of her. He couldn’t.

His ramshackle car and dingy one bedroom apartment to their mansions and Porsches.
And she was so beautiful; they were drawn in like moth to flame.

“Mike. Answer now…” She reached out to touch his ear. He drew away. She sighed and pulled out her phone. “Fine! Be that way!”

He turned on the radio. But it refused to distract him.

Walking into the bar with his buddy. Remembering the sneers and raucous laughter.

You’ve got nothing.
You’ve got nothing.

“I thought you were gonna fix the A.C? I’m hot.”

He said nothing.

Remembering the phone calls from his guys- “Dude, let her go… You can’t afford her standards. I saw her out last night with…”

Broke-ass. Pauper. Have-not.

He gripped the wheel even tighter. He’d reached the end.

She laughed at something while she fanned herself with her left hand. She looked up. “This guy’s house is far sha.. Since, na wa..”

It was dark when they arrived.

“Why does he live so far?” She hissed. She stepped down, flipped her hair over her shoulder and peered into the darkness. “Doesn’t he own a gen? No light.. After that hot long ride..”

He came over to her side of the car. Held her hand and turned her to face him.
She smiled. “Oh, you’ve forgiven me now?”

He drew her into a hug. Buried his nose in her neck. She wrapped her arms around his back. She let out a long sigh. “I do love you, y’know?”

“I know. I love you too. So bloody much. And that’s why.”

“Why what?”

He never got to answer.
Figures jumped out of the darkness and latched on to her; the surprise factor making it easy to bundle her without much resistance.

Her eyes widened. She didn’t scream. Her eyes sought his out.

“Mike.. What’s going on? Mike? Mike!”

He turned his back to her and refused to look back as her screams faded.

He drove back home slowly. Tears pouring down.

“You have to give up whom you love the most. That’s how I can make you rich…” The Baba had said.

They won’t laugh anymore.

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Set fire to the rain


Hey people. Hope your weekend was good. Ok, that’s that. So I’m a little bit pissed right now so y’all have to bear with me. Before I begin, let me just state that I’m shoving the bro-code to the curb today. Why? Cause I have a sister. I have female cousins and friends. I hope to have nieces and at least a daughter some day and I hope this piece right here will help them in one way or the other.

Forget religion and all, if you take one good look at yourself from head to toe with all the intricate features you were made with (no matter how beautiful/not-so-beautiful you are) and you still don’t feel enough self pride to walk away from a situation with a he/she with whom you clearly see no future then maybe I need to call the MFM folks to organize deliverance sessions here. Heck.. now that I’m even thinking about it, some of us brothers could find this info useful because the whole world seem to have lost their gaddem minds but sad thing is that most guys won’t admit to being in such situations so I’ll just keep it to the ladies.

The feeling varies from pity to sadness to anger, depending on how close I am to the victim (yes, victim) when I’m told just how ‘difficult’ or ‘impossible’ it is to walk away from him because… heck, most of the time, they can’t even come up with a good enough reason why they can’t seem to be able to leave despite the fact that they know he’s screwing some other chic / he’s head over heels for some other chic (who probably doesn’t like him half as much) / or HE’S NOT JUST THAT INTO THEM.

Well, since y’all won’t face facts and tell yourselves the truth, I’ve made it my duty to do so today. Here are some reasons why you need to set fire to the rain:

We are all SELFISH
Don’t even give me that bullcrap about how much you’ll hurt him if you walk away. This is about YOU. Yes, YOU. Not him. You’re not getting younger. Tick Tock. 23. You stick with his trifling behind. He doesn’t commit. 24. He gets into a relationship with your mutual friend, you still hang on in the name of whatever. 25. He’s single again, you think there’s hope… Smell the freaking coffee and do yourself a favour.

No woman was created for just one man
If you belong to the school of thought that disagrees with this then “wait behind for instructions” after reading this post. I think one of my favorite stats to quote is the world gender ratio. UN unofficial stats state that there are almost 9 women to 1 man now so please shove it. Don’t also go on about how there’s too much competition out there and how you’ll probably never find another. Question is, is he even yours?

The world still believes in Fairy tales
Since this is Nigeria, I might as well add this fairytale-ish point. Someone once said, if you want to know if something is yours, let it go and if it was really meant to be yours it’ll come back to you. (like I said, fairytale-ish) but yeah, if you’re so convinced he has feelings for you but can’t figure out why he can’t seem to commit, let him go (not partially, I mean delete EVERYTHING) and see what happens.

No one has ever died from emotional pain
If your excuse is not being able to handle the emotional trauma that will follow, then let me help you by stating (and yes, I did research this), that noone has ever been recorded to have died as a result of emotional hurt. You might cry, even have some sleepless nights but you won’t die.

He wont do it
If you’re still not convinced or your excuse is that you’re waiting for him to let you go then you need to know this: HE WON’T. Why? It’s sorta like what I tried to explain here. Greed is a basic human instinct (Ask Adam). He has you at his beck and call. He can have others and still come back to you so why on earth will he want to let you go?

Inserts Adele’s cd…. Someone like you…

If you’re a guy and you can relate to this, or you’re a chic and this post hit very close home, help me think up more points or share your experience by using the comment box. Speak your mind. Cheers.

PS: We have an interesting week ahead here. I’ll be introducing a new category tomorrow. On Wednesday, we’ll have an exclusive post from one of the erm.. ‘revered’ members of our comment community and on Thursday, we’ll have the third episode of Our Best Friend’s Wedding. Use this link to subscribe and stay informed.

The Fart Debate

Hey guys. Hope the weekend’s going good. So I haven’t done a poll in a bit and I had this question swirling round my head so I thought what the heck. Today’s poll might come off as a joke but I think it’s actually a serious question a lot of people fail to ask themselves when they get into relationships simply because they feel it’ll sort itself out. (ok, I’m kidding).

I might have represented a lot of actions/habits considered ‘not-so-important’ with farting but the fact remains, you can’t stay in a relationship with someone for a long period of time and not come across such habits. When the time eventually comes, how will you deal? Anyways, take the poll and then use the comment box to speak your mind. Cheers.

Mood Music

Hey people. Another Friday and with the weather in Lagos right now, a wet friday post seemed inevitable. Anyways, this was impromptu, I decided to make this post a little interactive. As I was coming to work this morning I couldn’t help thinking about those lucky bastards people camping under their duvet with that special person making proper use of the weather.

Oh well, life isn’t fair, we always knew that. Some of y’all might know about my everlasting affair with music so instead of whining, I’ve decided to share my thoughts on what a ‘Mood Music’ playlist should/could sound like. Now, as much as I know we all have our different tastes in music (I’ve heard chics say they want to do it while listening to Nirvana or even LMFAO), what I’m about to share with you is a list I’ve drawn up from a ‘mild’ survey I’ve taken from friends over time. What I’d like to do with this post is broaden this survey by hearing from you guys.

When all the talking and fronting is done, when the lights are off, when you’re inches from the bed, the sofa, the floor or even our beloved kitchen counter. If you could snap your fingers and have your deck come on, what would you like to hear. Use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.

PS: Here’s a list to help you. I’ve arranged it in a way I think will make it work better especially if you set your audio players crossfade to just about 15 seconds.  I also have this list available for download here. Enjoy.

1.  Trey Songz – Ready to make love
2.  Sisqo – 2Nite (Interlude)
3.  112 – Sweet Love
4.  Tyrese – Signs of love making
5.  R.Kelly – Bump N’ Grind
6.  Miguel – Vixen
7.  Keith Sweat – Nobody
8.  R.Kelly – Naked
9.  Usher – Can you handle it
10. Trey Songz – Jupiter Love
11. Maxwell – Bad Habits
12. Sisqo – So Sexual
13. Marques Houston – Sex with you
14. Usher – Nice and Slow
15. LL Cool J – Doin’ it well
16. Raheem DeVaughn – She Single
17. R.Kelly ft. Tyrese, Robin Thicke & The Dream – Pregnant
18. The Dream – Fallsetto
19. Chris Brown – Sex
20. Robin Thicke – Sex Therapy

PSS: Please remember to hit the subscribe button if you enjoyed this.

Our Best Friends Wedding Episode 2: ENO

She smiled from across the table. Goofily, he smiled back.

The ambience was decent; the food not so much. But he could bear. He WOULD bear. The babe was beautiful. Utterly pretty. He imagined merging his fingertips in a bunch and kissing them. And she was smart too. Really smart.

“So what do you think about the proposed amendments to the ICPC Act?” she asked softly, her voice caressing his sensibilities with every syllable.

“I’m not rrrr really one ffff for politics,” he stammered. This was the third time she’d made him stammer. First she brought up International news, then gist about GDPs around the world. All topics best served in lieu of Valium: tranquilizers.

Ordinarily, he’d be out the door by now but for two things staring him down from across the wooden divide.

And they were not her eyes.

“Boobies for President.” He thought to himself. Suddenly he heard someone speak: “Clearly, you’ll be voting, jerk.” Then he realized that he’d just thought…

Out.

Loud.

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Sunday

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“But Eno is fun sha.” Kemi chirped, “And she’s always calling you out on your B.S.” she continued,

“When she isn’t talking politics!” Charles roared. Both women laughed; Charles winced.

“So where are we taking Eno this time? I hope it’s someplace that helps you give more attention to her face though!” Jade never missed a chance to remind him of that awful day.

“Shebi it’s because I told you about it abi?” Charles looked hurt.

“Don’t be like that now. You know I’m only teasing,” Jade pleaded.

“No o! Don’t tell me that. Because I,” Charles stressed, “will not be telling you anything anymore, my dear.”

“Ahn ahn Charles…” before Jade could go further Kemi interrupted.

“Enough, you two! Charles, your date: be nice, be courteous, behave.”

“But I always behave,” he defended.

“Only when they are “B” cups!” Jade shot.

“Grrrr. I’ll so get you Jade. You know I will.”

“For where,” Jade dared him, “You always talk up a storm but you know you can’t do anything to us…”

Kemi  grabbed Jade’s wrist. “Oya, playtime’s over. Same time Tuesday, we want deets. Ok Cha-cha?”

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2 averagely priced meals, 2 bottles of wine and approximately 48 hours later…

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“So… how did it go?” Kemi sounded very bubbly and excited,

“I’m not saying while she’s here.” Charles pointed at Jade while mimicking a child’s facial expression of disgust.

“Oh grow up already,” chastised Kemi. Jade put her arms around his neck and coaxed away:

“Besides, you know you want to.”

“Oh hell! It was great.” Charles broke. Staying mad at either was impossible. Man-being-able-to-predict-the-end-of-the-world impossible.

“Really?” the girls chorused, “Yaaaay!” They were now clapping softly.

“So tell us,” Kemi inquired, “what’s her score?”

“A perfect zero.” Charles quipped.

“Why? I thought you said it went great?!” Jade always knew Charles was fickle with women but still… “What happened Cha-cha?” she asked feigning surprise by rolling her considerable eyeballs. He shook his head in exasperation and replied sternly:

“One. I still hate that name,” cue both ladies giggling, “Two. Sex happened.” He shut his eyes for the inevitable uproar. Ultimately, said uproar came out as a mish-mash of “What?!”, “How!!”, “You dog!!!” and “Silly perv!!!”

Once the first wave was over, he carried on:

“That’s precisely why I couldn’t possibly marry Eno: too sexy! All I wanna do is nail her. And then ply the nail out and nail her again to make sure.”

“You pig! If you weren’t my friend eh…” Kemi was displeased.

“But wait… I thought men always wanted sexy women who desired sex once per weekday, twice on Saturdays and infinitely on Sundays!” Jade yelled just a tad. Sometimes Charles made no sense at all.

“As mistresses, house-girls and superiors at the office? Yes. As wives? No ma’am.” Charles replied expressionlessly.

“All right,” Kemi sighed, clearly defeated, “So who’s next on the list?”

“Ahn ahn. As planned now. Shayo.” Charles supplied, slightly bemused Kemi would forget so quickly.

“Better behave o!” Jade warned, “Cuz if your handling of Eno is any indication, God help Shayo,” she finished.

“Errrm… no!” Charles countered, “If Shayo’s handling of ME – the last time we hooked up at least – is any indication, God help Charles.”

The ladies looked at each other and passed an unspoken resolution before both looking at him and chorusing: “Pig!”

“I love you too, ladies,” he chimed mirthfully. “So…see y’all on Friday?”

*UPDATE: Only just realized I haven’t introduced my guest writer on this series. He’s the one, the only: @cikk0 and I’d just like to give him a huge s/o for pushing my writing skills to a higher height. Hope you guys enjoy it. And for those who missed it, you can read Episode 1 here.

Ode to young love

Hey guys. Monday was the day of monsters and boy did you guys bring it. Today I’d like to slow things down a little and hopefully appeal to your softer side (especially the guys). Summer’s almost here and it’s that time of the year when loads of people return home from “overs”. As a result, you tend to bump into a lot of people you’ve not seen in ages. So I thought to do an ode (not ódè) to young love. I called on our in house baby blogger @Uberbetty to tell this story:


I walked with my head bowed. Mumbling under my breath. I do this. Especially when I’m stressed. I was walking out of the giant plaza where my little Interior Design office was located.

You know that thing when you bump into someone and then you both go left; then right together; then left again? When you exchange awkward smiles and one person has to stand still till the other passes?

Yeah that. Well, it happened to me. But it stopped at the awkward smile part; cause as I looked up to smile the awkward smile; I froze. And so did he.

It was him. As in, HIM!

Oh you don’t know who ‘him’ is? Remember that best friend you had in SS3? Yes, that one you’re no longer in touch with! Well, this was her older brother. Why did we freeze? Well, because of ‘that night’.

“Tunde, Teni is saying goodnight!” Ayo had told her brother as I stared anywhere but at him. Tunde; my everlasting crush on him had been my personal secret.

“Oh? Should I drop you off?” His deep voice had reached out to envelope me. I tried to stop the stupid smile that always showed up when he was near. “Um.. If you want.”

“Abeg, Tunde, please drop her. I have to wash plates before mummy comes back.”

In the car. With Tunde. There was no silence. Not because we were talking – no, his loud rock music was probably leaving headaches as he sped down the roads. I softly sang along so: a) he would notice I had a great voice; and b) he would notice I was also into his kind of music.

He shouted something over the music. I pointed to my ears. I had managed to keep a straight face so far. He reduced the volume.

“I’m traveling. Transferring.”

My heart had started to race double time. I said “Oh”. I tried to make it sound off-hand and carefree but it came out tiny and squeaky.

“I haven’t told Ayo yet. She thinks it’s later in the year.” He had drawn out a deep breath. “She says you’re going to Abuja next week.. So you probably won’t meet me when you get back..”

I had said nothing. A small tear had managed to escape. I faced the window. I wondered if he could hear my heart break.

The rest of the ride had been silent. Two houses from mine, he had parked. I frowned. He had turned to me.

” So.. umm.. This is goodbye.”

I hadn’t known what to do. “Bye.” I had squeaked again and stretched my hand for a handshake. He’d smiled a silly smile and drawn me closer to hug me.

I’d inhaled deep. Storing his scent in my head, in my heart. He was leaving me; clueless that he was leaving me.

Until he’d touched my face. Softly. Eyes open wide, I’d gazed up. Love-struck. Letting it all out. And I’d seen a reflection of my heart in his eyes. Or I’d hoped.

He kissed me. My first kiss. My heart ran and flew then burst into fireworks. He kissed me again. My second kiss. I counted till six. Then a whispered “Bye” was all I said afterward.

I didn’t hear from him again. If he sent his sister to me, she never delivered the messages.

And now, he’s back.

I don’t know if I still feel anything for him. It’s been a long time. He was my first love. Love? Even too fleeting to call ‘love’.

He’s back. “Hi”. He says.

How do I play this?

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There you go. Betty has asked her question but for me I want to hear your “young love” stories (yes, even if it’s with Ekaette or Akpan). No matter how silly or ridiculous it is, use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.

Frankenstein

Hey good people. Hope y’all had a weekend way more restful than mine. The Camping weekend has come and gone so we can all go on with our lives now. It’s going to be another lazy-ish post from me cause I’m still quite busy with work (I’m co-directing my first commercial.. details later).

A few days ago I listened in on a conversation between two of my friends. One was trying to set up the other on a date so A asked B to describe his ‘type’. I listened on for minutes after as B went on and on piecing together body parts from celebrities and some of our mutual friends in an attempt to answer the question. As I listened, I wondered if this was just a ‘guy’ thing. It’s funny how it’s so easy to describe men as the visually conscious gender yet it was the women that coined the term TDH (tall, dark and handsome).

Anyways, I decided to pursue this further so today, I’ll be playing teacher while you guys get to be my students. I have a simple, or not so simple assignment for y’all. Well, it’s more like an examination.

THE TOOLSMAN SCHOOL OF SELF DISCOVERY
1st SEMESTER EXAMINATION
ANA 101 (HUMAN ANATOMY)
Date: 23rd May, 2011. Time: 1 Hour

Question

In less than 300 words, create your personal Frankenstein that captures your definition of ‘near-perfection’ in terms of looks and attributes. You’re only allowed to pick body parts and attributes from public figures/celebrities. As much as possible, try to complete your Frankenstein (He/She might be called Frankenstein, but no one-eyed monsters please). Extra marks will be given to those who creatively name their Frankenstein. Please see examples below for clarity:

HE:
For me it’s very simple, I’ll take Nicki Minaj’s body except the lips. I want Paula Pattons lips. You can name her Paula too. 😀

SHE:
Wow.. where do I begin. Ok, Morris Chestnut’s frame. Blair Underwoods chin and smile too. Chris Brown’s eyes and maybe some of his tattoos too :). Oh and erm… Jamie Fox’s schlong (Yes, I have that leaked nude pic saved). He could talk and walk like Chuck Bass and cook like Jamie Oliver.
Yes. That’s him. I’ll call him Carter.

(100 Marks)
Good luck.

Ok, there you go. I did warn you it was going to be lazy but I’m hoping we can have fun with it. So, off with you. Use the comment box and create your Frankenstein. Cheers.

PS: For those of us who get new post notifications via twitter, I’d like to crave.. scratch that.. lemme beg y’all to please please subscribe to the blog for notifications as I’ll be cutting down on mentions from now on just so some of my followers don’t send talibans my way. If you’re viewing the mobile site on your phone, scroll to the bottom of the page and switch to the Full Site. Once you’re there, click the ‘subscribe’ link at the top of the page to subscribe to ‘ONLY NEW POST NOTIFICATIONS’ meaning you will only get mails when I put up new posts. Thank you. Thank you and Thank you again 🙂

Our best friend’s wedding: Episode 1

Hey people, trust the weekend is going on well. As promised yesterday, here’s the revised pilot of the series. From here on, we’ll have shorter and more reader friendly episodes (I pray). As always, I’ll appreciate any form of feedback. Cheers.

*Ring *Ring

“Will you just find me an educated midget.”

*Ring *Ring

“I can’t do a show on vertically challenged people without talking to a midget can I?”

*Ring *Ring

“Arrrghhhh stop ringing gaddemit.

“Let me call you back.”

Hello

I did it! I did it Kemi.

Oh, Charles I’m sorta in the middle of something… can I…

I just did it Kemi…

What did you do?

I bought a ring…….. I just went and bou—

A what?

You did what?

I bought a ring!

What kind of ring? For what? For who?

Well, that’s what you’re going to help me figure out.

Kemi

I looked up to see Charles’ pearly white teeth grinning at me as he held open the door to my office with one arm while he clutched on to an opened jewelry box with his other hand. Oh, manners. Hi. My name is Adekemi Manuel. Host of “The Late Late Night Show With Kemi”, daughter to His Royal Highness, the Ooni of Ife and wife to Captain Babatunde Manuel. We’ll get to that later.  Standing at the door to my office is Charles.

Charles: “Well, don’t just sit there. Are you just going to …. What are you doing? Who are you calling?”

Kemi: Hello…

Jade: Hey, Kemi, can I call you right back, I’m kinda in a tight position right now”

Kemi: Well, let me make it tighter for you – Charles bought a ring?

Jade: A what?

Kemi: Yes, you heard me right, he bought a WEDDING ring.

Jade:  For what? I mean for who? ……. Whaooooooo … ouch.. Oooouuuuccchhh…

Kemi: Err…  Jade, are you ok?

Jade:  Ooooouuuch… Yes, I’m fine, I only almost just fell off an elephant.

Charles: Elephant? Where on earth are you this time?

Jade: Oh, so you’re there……. I’m in India; traveling with a UN team and I hope that ring is for Sandra.

Jade:

 Jadesola Adeyemi. The most selfless person I know, possibly the most selfless person in the whole world. She’s always in one place or the other somewhere in the world helping people and almost always forgetting about herself. More about her later..

Kemi: You mean Tara…

Jade: Oh, there are just too many of them.. but, yes, her…

Charles: Oh, hell no.. she has manly feet and that spooky sound she makes when she sleeps….not happening …

Kemi: Just stop. Stop it Charles. Why did you buy a ring if you have no one to give it to. Is this all a joke?

Charles: Well…. I’ll turn 30 in about ten weeks from today …. I visited my mom yesterday and she just…. she said somethings and I thought, what the heck, it’s time.. I’m matured enough… I’m ready…. so I went out and bought a ring.

Jade: Kemi, please slap him for me.

Kemi: Gladly.

Jade: So that’s just why you bought a ring?

Kemi: wait, so, now what do you want from us.

Charles: Seeing as you guys are my bestest friends in the world and probably know more about me than anyone else, I’ve decided that you’ll help me make the decision.

Jade: huh? Is he being serious?

Charles: I know how hard a task it can be, considering my erm… past … and present… but here

(Charles brings out a folded sheet of paper from his pocket).

I call it, my “deed map”… On it, I have 19 names of girls I’ve been with at some point in my life and a little background information – most of which I’m sure you already know, if you can remember that is – well, I was aiming for ten but I just couldn’t… – so, 19 gurls and I need to eliminate 18 of them before my birthday so I can propose.

Oh, one more thing, this isn’t the bachelor – this is my life so, better take it seriously.

Kemi: You can’t be ….serious..

(Kemi said with her mouth wide open as she further examined the “deed map”)

Jade: I’ll be back next tomorrow.

Charles: That’s the spirit.. Oh, I’m late for a lunch date. I’ll talk to you girls later. Ciao

Charles

Charles Effiong. Youngest Ad Agency Creative Director in the country. Successful smooth talking mutherfucker; mini sex God, ladies man and best friend to Jade and I for almost 10 years. This might sound like a joke but I know when Charles is serious and this is one of those times. God help us.

 

*3 Days Later

 

Jade: Kemi, have you even read this …this thing he calls a list?

Kemi: yup..

Jade: How did some girls get on this list. I mean.. Eno?  Isn’t that the one who couldn’t climax?

Kemi: Well, quit talking like you don’t know your friend is Captain Save-a-ho

Jade: This is marriage we are talking about Kemi… forever and ever…

Kemi: shush.. quit talking like marriage is some life imprisonment sentence.. there is something called ‘divorce’ remember? And as sad as it might be, if a time comes when he needs to use that exit card then he will and we will SUPPORT him as his friends.

Jade: his parents split up when he was ten.. he’s wanted to get married since then just to prove to them that it’s not so hard to keep a family together…

Kemi: well.. that was till he discovered his super powers ..

(I and Jade were now standing at the waiting area of Charles’ office watching him far off walking towards us with a light-skinned slim-figured lady walking alongside him)

Jade: Powers? Oh.. that?

Kemi: yup.. that.. colour-struck tadpole that he is.. look at how the girl is soaking him all up.. For all you know he could be giving her advice about her relationship

Jade: Or they could just be talking about work

Kemi: Work? Really? Come on, I’ve come around here too often to know that the actual amount of time these ad agency guys work is so little?

Jade: Anyways, he’s almost here… so who do we start with?

Kemi: Eno won’t be a bad start..

Jade: Seriously?

Kemi: Yes

Jade: Are you trying to ruin his future? I jus—-

Kemi: Nope. And that’s why I think we should knock off all the weak contenders first.. come on, you and I know he’s not going to propose to Eno

Jade: Err.. well… I was even thinking of imposing a no sex clause while all of this is going on..

Charles: No what? You do know sex is a veeeeeery important part of any marriage.

Kemi: Oh please, don’t preach to us like you do your victims. This is our show and we’ll run it how we want.

Charles: but but you guys—-

Jade: And don’t think we won’t know too.. I can smell your lies a mile away

Kemi: But we’ll cut you some slack and see just how well you behave for starters. You asked us to take this seriously so you also have to. We’ve come up with a plan..

Jade: We have? I mean.. yes, we have.

Charles: Good. It’s about time too. Lets hear it.

Kemi: Well, every week, we’ll pick two girls from the list. You’ll have to find a way to split your time between both girls during the week and at the end of the week you’ll send us a report.

Charles: Huh? A report?

Jade: You heard her right.. A report.

Kemi: A DETAILED report. I’m not talking bout your sexscapades. I’m talking pros and cons. If we’re going to do this, then we’ll have to go all the way down to details

Charles: Wow.. now I regret adding that ‘taking it seriously’ bit.

Jade: One more thing, during this erm.. period, please try to stay away from other women so you can focus. 19 women is more than enough drama already.

Charles: Ok with the rules already.. who do I begin with?

Kemi: Well, this week, you have … Eno and….

Jade: Erm… Shayo..

Charles: Shayo?

Kemi: My God.. don’t tell me you cant even remember the names of the people on your own list.

Charles: Of Course I can.. just erm… memories…

Jade: Well, keep them in the past and focus on now. So, are you going to start out with dates or what?

Charles: That’s my call isn’t it? Thank you ladies for your time; I’ll have your “report” in by Sunday.

Jade

As Charles ushered us out of the waiting room, I couldn’t help but imagine how all of this would end. I love him like a brother and wanted him happy but I secretly prayed he was truly ready for all of this.

If tomorrow never (really) comes

Hey people. As much as I tried to ignore the HUGE elephant we have staring at all of us, I just couldn’t. So, it is said that tomorrow will be the End Of Days. The end of the world as we all know it. I sat and was thinking to myself that if the predictions turn out right and things actually end tomorrow, what is the ONE thing I’ll say I truly regret not being able to experience during my lifetime.

It took only a short while to realize the answer. So, I allowed my mind travel five years into the future where I wrote this.

I was born the day you came into my life, before then, nothing really mattered
Every time I close my eyes, every time I blink, I see you
The sun only shines out of envy for you,
the moon glows to compete with your luminesce

I lay next to you nurturing heaven itself by my side
I’ll wake middle of every night to check on you
my sole reason of existence, my tomorrow
Sleep holds little for me because you are my dreams

My quest for perfection stops every time I look in your eyes
You make me feel small, vulnerable and I should resent you for that
but humility washes over me when I remember he sent you for that
Your existence proves God exists, you are my re-occuring miracle.

There are times I cannot understand you
A Thousand meanings accompany your every chuckle, giggle and rant
but each one means more than a thousand smiles to me
If I were to be honest, people would also find me hard to understand
Because everything I say to you would include the words “I” and “Love you”
Just another proof we are one and the same

I have been honorably reduced; feeling like a soldier ant
My sole responsibility is to ward evil away from you
Unlike the ant & his queen, I am big and you are my little one
This world is too cruel, something so beautiful should never feel pain

We will fight. Mostly about nothing
Mostly because I sometimes think about losing you
Or maybe because you’ve held my heart prisoner since the day we met
I feel the need to keep you around me so people don’t see the void within me
Careful connection. Our connection makes me care fully

So forgive me when I exacerbate you,
As the same blood runs through our veins
You are a part of every single smile on my face, each tear I shed
You are my endless miracle. Every second since the day we met…
Know that you are the reason each chamber of my heart fires still
You are the reason I dream dreams
You are the reason I wake everyday
You are the reason for tomorrow

So, there’s my answer. A lil something for my unborn child.  It’s time for yours. Use the comment box to tell us about that ONE thing you’d regret not experiencing if the world does come to an end tomorrow. Speak your mind. Cheers.

PS: I’ll be re-posting the revised trailer/first episode of “Our best friend’s wedding” tomorrow. I’ve formatted it to allow the subsequent posts shorter.

SNL

Nope, it’s not ratings for a movie, and no, its not another one of my theories, well, maybe not. Today, I’d like to conduct another research/get y’all involved here or I really am too lazy to think.

Recently I was part of that age long argument about how much guys/gurls manipulate the truth lie when asked how many people they’ve been with. Well, thats not exactly the point of this post because as far as I’m concerned, it boils down to these two formulas:

Guys:
ANOP  = DNOP/3

Gurls:
ANOP = DNOP*3

*ANOP = Actual Number of Partners
*DNOP = Disclosed Number of Partners

I know some will argue that nowadays, the (3) in the formulas is actually (3^2) but like I said, thats not exactly why we’re here. The argument with my friends got me wondering how much more complex/simple life would be if we all had to go around with some sort of relationship ‘deed map’ or a kind of resume that would show what you’ve been up to in regards to dealings with the opposite sex. Initially, I thought up, a resume format and came up with something like this:

Adedayo Okoro Mohammed
15 Mawamiwale Street, Ebinpejo Lane, Lagos, Nigeria.
adeokomo@yahoo.com
0802 123 4567

Education:
19/10/95                First Kiss
Beneath the Dinning Table

01/02/98                Virginity 
Ozoluwa Block 2, Room 4. University of Lagos

Experience:
02/02/02 – 01/01/03          Okaro Blessing
Boyfriend

03/01/03 – 05/02/03          Dolapo Salami
Assistant Boyfriend

06/02/03 – 10/08/03          Amina Usman
Sarewa

12/12/03 – 01/01/06          Vivian Manuel
Sarewa

07/11/07 – 01/05/09          Ekaette Udobong
Boyfriend

Skills:
Threesome
Sensual Massaging
Cunnilingus

References:
Miss Taiwo Sodeinde
Parking Space 5, Adeyemo Alakija, VI, Lagos.
9pm – 5am, Mondays – Saturdays

Miss Kasandra Ojo
Beside Waterparks, Toyin Street, Ikeja, Lagos.
11pm – 5am, Mondays – Sundays

********************************************

Err…. I took a step back and read through that resume and realized it just wouldn’t work. So my mind drifted to the early days of instant messaging when people used the acronym ASL (Age/Sex/Location) to get basic details of people they had met online.

So I came up with the acronym SNL (Sex/Number of Partners/Love). It’s pretty self explanatory, sex = gender, number of partners, well, that will probably be DNOP (check formula above for conversion), and then Love = have you ever been in love? This may help your prospect measure your level of experience and involvement with previous partners.

Now imagine a world where we all go around with our SNL codes hovering above our heads (I know, I watch too many movies). Do y’all think it would make life better or further complicate things? I’d like us to consider this question from the P setting scenario as well as the long haul one. So, use the comment box, state your SNL (e.g M/9/Yes or F/0/No) and speak your mind. Cheers.

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