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Our bestfriends wedding

Our Best Friends Wedding Episode 2: ENO

She smiled from across the table. Goofily, he smiled back.

The ambience was decent; the food not so much. But he could bear. He WOULD bear. The babe was beautiful. Utterly pretty. He imagined merging his fingertips in a bunch and kissing them. And she was smart too. Really smart.

“So what do you think about the proposed amendments to the ICPC Act?” she asked softly, her voice caressing his sensibilities with every syllable.

“I’m not rrrr really one ffff for politics,” he stammered. This was the third time she’d made him stammer. First she brought up International news, then gist about GDPs around the world. All topics best served in lieu of Valium: tranquilizers.

Ordinarily, he’d be out the door by now but for two things staring him down from across the wooden divide.

And they were not her eyes.

“Boobies for President.” He thought to himself. Suddenly he heard someone speak: “Clearly, you’ll be voting, jerk.” Then he realized that he’d just thought…

Out.

Loud.

************************

Sunday

************************

“But Eno is fun sha.” Kemi chirped, “And she’s always calling you out on your B.S.” she continued,

“When she isn’t talking politics!” Charles roared. Both women laughed; Charles winced.

“So where are we taking Eno this time? I hope it’s someplace that helps you give more attention to her face though!” Jade never missed a chance to remind him of that awful day.

“Shebi it’s because I told you about it abi?” Charles looked hurt.

“Don’t be like that now. You know I’m only teasing,” Jade pleaded.

“No o! Don’t tell me that. Because I,” Charles stressed, “will not be telling you anything anymore, my dear.”

“Ahn ahn Charles…” before Jade could go further Kemi interrupted.

“Enough, you two! Charles, your date: be nice, be courteous, behave.”

“But I always behave,” he defended.

“Only when they are “B” cups!” Jade shot.

“Grrrr. I’ll so get you Jade. You know I will.”

“For where,” Jade dared him, “You always talk up a storm but you know you can’t do anything to us…”

Kemi  grabbed Jade’s wrist. “Oya, playtime’s over. Same time Tuesday, we want deets. Ok Cha-cha?”

****************************************

2 averagely priced meals, 2 bottles of wine and approximately 48 hours later…

****************************************

“So… how did it go?” Kemi sounded very bubbly and excited,

“I’m not saying while she’s here.” Charles pointed at Jade while mimicking a child’s facial expression of disgust.

“Oh grow up already,” chastised Kemi. Jade put her arms around his neck and coaxed away:

“Besides, you know you want to.”

“Oh hell! It was great.” Charles broke. Staying mad at either was impossible. Man-being-able-to-predict-the-end-of-the-world impossible.

“Really?” the girls chorused, “Yaaaay!” They were now clapping softly.

“So tell us,” Kemi inquired, “what’s her score?”

“A perfect zero.” Charles quipped.

“Why? I thought you said it went great?!” Jade always knew Charles was fickle with women but still… “What happened Cha-cha?” she asked feigning surprise by rolling her considerable eyeballs. He shook his head in exasperation and replied sternly:

“One. I still hate that name,” cue both ladies giggling, “Two. Sex happened.” He shut his eyes for the inevitable uproar. Ultimately, said uproar came out as a mish-mash of “What?!”, “How!!”, “You dog!!!” and “Silly perv!!!”

Once the first wave was over, he carried on:

“That’s precisely why I couldn’t possibly marry Eno: too sexy! All I wanna do is nail her. And then ply the nail out and nail her again to make sure.”

“You pig! If you weren’t my friend eh…” Kemi was displeased.

“But wait… I thought men always wanted sexy women who desired sex once per weekday, twice on Saturdays and infinitely on Sundays!” Jade yelled just a tad. Sometimes Charles made no sense at all.

“As mistresses, house-girls and superiors at the office? Yes. As wives? No ma’am.” Charles replied expressionlessly.

“All right,” Kemi sighed, clearly defeated, “So who’s next on the list?”

“Ahn ahn. As planned now. Shayo.” Charles supplied, slightly bemused Kemi would forget so quickly.

“Better behave o!” Jade warned, “Cuz if your handling of Eno is any indication, God help Shayo,” she finished.

“Errrm… no!” Charles countered, “If Shayo’s handling of ME – the last time we hooked up at least – is any indication, God help Charles.”

The ladies looked at each other and passed an unspoken resolution before both looking at him and chorusing: “Pig!”

“I love you too, ladies,” he chimed mirthfully. “So…see y’all on Friday?”

*UPDATE: Only just realized I haven’t introduced my guest writer on this series. He’s the one, the only: @cikk0 and I’d just like to give him a huge s/o for pushing my writing skills to a higher height. Hope you guys enjoy it. And for those who missed it, you can read Episode 1 here.

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About thetoolsman

I mostly refer to myself as an unrepentant media addict .. Well, cause I'm mostly always hunting for information through one media channel or the other... Hit me up on twitter @thetoolsman

Discussion

50 thoughts on “Our Best Friends Wedding Episode 2: ENO

  1. 1st… Pls send my bottle of wine

    Posted by Jasmine | May 26, 2011, 9:47 am
  2. I was meant to be the first oh..but it is well..mtn.sigh*

    Posted by kechilauren | May 26, 2011, 9:49 am
  3. Oh well…Fingers Crossed..!

    Posted by Kleopahtra | May 26, 2011, 9:55 am
  4. Why do I ppronounce shayo as “shayo” by durella…shrugs*ok..this is nice..so chacha wants a girl hez not overly attracted to..?
    I’m pretty sure after hez married he’ll still go after girls like Eno.:|waitingg for the next episode.

    Posted by kechilauren | May 26, 2011, 9:56 am
  5. Episode 2 ke? When did 1 come out?! Warris all this?

    Posted by cecenostockings | May 26, 2011, 9:57 am
  6. So d games v begun, btw, really can’t comment currently @ an imterview

    Posted by :) | May 26, 2011, 9:57 am
  7. Nearly first! 😀

    Posted by dami | May 26, 2011, 9:59 am
  8. Well this is just a story. I’d wouldn’t want to think that the average man doesn’t want a brilliant and sexy wife. And her name counts?

    Posted by Glory | May 26, 2011, 10:06 am
  9. *I wouldn’t…

    Posted by Glory | May 26, 2011, 10:09 am
  10. U can have kunu instead

    Posted by jadesola | May 26, 2011, 10:10 am
  11. LOL! I did that toooooo! And then i started playing the song as the soundtrack for the rest of the story 😐

    Posted by beforesheimplodes | May 26, 2011, 10:38 am
  12. So my understanding is dude cud only think of banging this chic and nothing else… thats why it could not be serious…
    Ok…
    Over Sexy can b a bad tin ladies!
    Can same be said for men though?

    Posted by beforesheimplodes | May 26, 2011, 10:42 am
  13. Err… I wud av thot a pretty, sexy woman who’s also smart and can hold her own during intelligent conversations is wat guys want. Maybe just my opinion. Oh well, its just a story. Nice write up. Still. Believe charles will end up wit jade.

    Posted by Tobi | May 26, 2011, 10:44 am
  14. Loool..but why..did u dance while u were at it?

    Posted by kechilauren | May 26, 2011, 10:44 am
  15. I’m suspecting jade loves him….

    Posted by oyinkan | May 26, 2011, 10:46 am
  16. smh for both of you…

    Posted by thetoolsman | May 26, 2011, 10:48 am
  17. ha.. oya, as you were…

    Posted by thetoolsman | May 26, 2011, 10:49 am
  18. of course her name counts… would you want to marry a guy named Longinus.. Ignatious … Cletus…

    Posted by thetoolsman | May 26, 2011, 10:50 am
  19. hahaha.. well.. maybe eventhough I don’t know how it can be cured.
    As for your question, over to the ladies…

    Posted by thetoolsman | May 26, 2011, 10:51 am
  20. poor Jade has suffered oh…

    Posted by thetoolsman | May 26, 2011, 10:51 am
  21. Lol… Point taken 😀

    Posted by Glory | May 26, 2011, 11:01 am
  22. Ahem…..tooooo short!!!

    Posted by jAyajade | May 26, 2011, 11:03 am
  23. This jade name sef! Lool..so guys don’t want a wife they can nack everyday….interesting…

    Posted by Jade Mustapha | May 26, 2011, 11:19 am
  24. If Charles were a real person telling this story, a lot of people (including folks here) would say a number of things:

    1. “He is making it up”
    2. “Empty vessels make the loudest noise”
    3. “Bla bla bla”

    But it’s all good when we are reading it on a blog page.Yes?

    I suspect thetoolsman & co are telling their own personal stories here with these episodes of “Our Best Friend’s….”.

    *Time to siddonlook with a bottle of Black Johnny Walker, a pot of Nkwobi & my transistor radio*

    PS: Sometimes, I wonder what excites us. Is it the story? The writing style? The author….Or the need to feel like we are part of a small community?

    Gbagauns & typos are 100% copyrighted by me.

    Posted by lagoshunter | May 26, 2011, 11:20 am
  25. lol.. as I now like the name nko…

    Posted by thetoolsman | May 26, 2011, 11:27 am
  26. There are Charles’ living amongst us… and once again I’ll stress that the story is completely made up…

    *serves some of your nkwobi, orders red wine* …

    Posted by thetoolsman | May 26, 2011, 11:29 am
  27. If you ask me, this young fellow is not ready to marry. He didn’t even try with the Eno babe. And if he knew he didn’t want her, why was her name on the list to begin with? He should better go and return that ring before the warranty expires. Me sha, I just feel all this is some sort of prank.
    But nobody asked me, sooo…*sips chilled malta guiness*

    PS: “All I wanna do is nail her. And then ply the nail out and nail her again to make sure.” «- Best sentence in story 🙂

    Posted by cecenostockings | May 26, 2011, 11:38 am
  28. Wow,so to be very sexy and intelligent is a sin. Charles is a knucklehead. It sounds like its gonna be interesting, u better have part 3 tomorrow!! Don’t be teasing us like when you were writing A-Zed

    Posted by Gbemi | May 26, 2011, 11:40 am
  29. Aunty take it easy na. Once a week. Thursdays. Also, marriage requires a combination of qualities, being sexy and intelligent are just some…

    Posted by thetoolsman | May 26, 2011, 11:45 am
  30. @cikko na bros…great stuff…I’m so lookin forward to d rest of dis series…
    N as for Charles assertion…it is partially correct…n dat’s all I’ma say bout dat…*drops d mic*

    Posted by musingsofagidimallam | May 26, 2011, 12:04 pm
  31. Where are you ladies getting the idea that a man doesn’t desire a ‘sexy Intelligent’ woman?

    The adjective phrase was “very sexy” not sexy and intelligent.

    Very sexy is what trophy wives are made of. Not every man wants a trophy wife. Just as well, not every man wants a sexy intelligent wife or every woman wants a sexy husband.

    Posted by lagoshunter | May 26, 2011, 12:30 pm
  32. I like…can’t wait for the next one…:)
    I think Jade might have a thing for him though…won’t be surprised if they end up together.

    Posted by ie | May 26, 2011, 1:06 pm
  33. I can’t wait to see where this is going… 🙂

    Posted by Delphine | May 26, 2011, 1:07 pm
  34. Uhmmm,great stuff,if this wasn’t a story I would have said my bit,cause every guy wants a smart&sexy gurl,someone who’s easy on the*i can’t wait 4 the next episode..woohoo..

    Posted by mizzamakkar | May 26, 2011, 1:25 pm
  35. Uhmmm,great stuff,if this wasn’t a story I would have said my bit,cause every guy wants a smart&sexy gurl,someone who’s easy on the eye*i can’t wait 4 the next episode..woohoo..

    Posted by mizzamakkar | May 26, 2011, 1:28 pm
  36. Cool, looking forward to d next!

    Posted by ibetapassmyneighbour | May 26, 2011, 1:29 pm
  37. Uhmmm,great stuff,I’ve a feeling Cha-Cha would end up with Jade,i can’t wait 4 the next episode..woohoo..

    Posted by mizzammakkar | May 26, 2011, 1:46 pm
  38. “A perfect zero”-the guy didn’t even score her for the sex?

    Looking forward to the next!

    Posted by mabijo | May 26, 2011, 2:13 pm
  39. Yes being seen as a sex symbol is as much a curse as it may seem a blessing…. not so much of a blessing sef…

    Posted by Son1aO | May 26, 2011, 2:18 pm
  40. In my opinion, Charles isn’t serious about a relationship. If he’s waiting to be prompted by Jade & Kemi. How approriately convenient it would be if he eventually finds out he’s in love with either of the two ladies (When Harry met Sal thins). . nice

    Posted by Griffin | May 26, 2011, 2:35 pm
  41. Dibbs on charles ending up with one of his two friends,lol

    Posted by kitkat | May 26, 2011, 5:36 pm
  42. your blog is amazing. I randomly came across it one day and Ive been addicted ever since. Refreshing. Keep up the good work

    Posted by Anonymous | May 26, 2011, 6:21 pm
  43. And spoiler alertttt:
    I bet he ends up with Kemi or Jade

    Posted by Anonymous | May 26, 2011, 6:23 pm
  44. “Man-being-able-to-predict-the-end-of-the-world impossible.”

    As in…this totally got me…*wordplay over content mehn* this is the shit!

    Posted by awizi | May 26, 2011, 6:52 pm
  45. Na wa o. So being verry sexy and intelligent is now a sin. Omo I’m in trbl o bcos dats d adjective I’m described with the most. Pls tula advice! Wat can be done to remedy this?

    For the story, I like the story line. Dnt particularly like how d story is being told tho. D author is trying toooo hard to create a visual in the readers mind hence over explanatn of actions.

    That said, I shall def me bak next thursday

    Ps: all u spoiler alert ppl, I bet he’s gonna go thru d list, not find anyone to marry, return d ring and den randomly meet some random babe and marry her afterall isn’t that the typical guy thing? (Date someone for EVER and not propose, break up and next month marry some random babe)???

    Posted by bimbo | May 26, 2011, 8:48 pm
  46. Sexy girl- banging. UNsexy girl- marriage :(:(

    Posted by Didi | May 26, 2011, 10:10 pm
  47. episode 3…we are waiting oooo!!!!
    Good job but i must say d wait is killin my psyche!

    Posted by jemjem | May 26, 2011, 10:43 pm
  48. I dey lag behind o. Didn’t know this post had been out since. chei

    Posted by runawayhusband | May 31, 2011, 5:30 pm
  49. Hmmmmn m enjoying this.Kemi is married so that leaves out Jade.

    Posted by lammide | September 29, 2011, 6:04 pm

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