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Wednesday Dialogue

Separated.

The topic I’m going to discuss today is one I have creatively avoided since I started this blog (don’t ask me why). Sometime last week, I came across a quote from one of my favorite bloggers. He said:

“Many are unaware of this, but “longdistancerelationship” is actually Arabic for u’re nt in a relationship anymore, u f*cking idiot!” – Champ

I tweeted this and I got a truckload of retweets as well as mentions asking if I agreed with the statement. Again, I ‘creatively’ evaded the questions. As if someone was trying to tell me something, over the weekend, I attended an event where I somehow found myself in the middle of a discussion centered around the same topic. I could have simply kept quiet but I’ve come to realize that as a blogger people tend to expect you to have an opinion on most subjects. I shared my thoughts and the responses I got brought about this post.

This is the ‘Wednesday Dialogue‘ Category so I’ve decided to throw the topic open for discussion but before we get to it I’ll throw up a little background.

It’s funny because I guess I can argue for both sides of the coin. I once got out of a prospective relationship because the girl in question lived on one end of Lagos while I lived on the other end. Don’t bite me just yet; there was more to the story. I’ve also been involved with someone who I never got to see for many many many months and I must say that those months are still so special to me. I’ve sampled many opinions on the subject and I’ve been able to narrow them down to the following points.

It’s the men
Its easy to point fingers at the guys and say we just can’t handle distance because we are physical beings. We have a natural desire for physical contact with the opposite sex and as a result, we give into temptation when we are away from our partners for so long.

Blame the women
On the flip side, the guys can argue that most women seem to be able to handle it because they are more emotional than physical beings. To a large extent, technology can cater for emotional needs. With the various forms of instant messengers, Skype etc, one can pretty much get by.

What’s at stake
Another way to look at it is to ask ‘what is at stake?‘ Some believe the higher the level of commitment, the easier it is to handle distance. The probability that a married couple with a child living having a long distance stint will have issues is less than a married couple without a child? Same applies for a 2 year old relationship when compared with a 6 month old relationship.

Also, if one of the parties involved compromises on way too much to get into the relationship, making the decision to leave/cheat when faced with a long distance stint will be much easier as opposed to when the relationship started off with both parties on the same plane.

**************

Ok, there you have it. The stage is now set for our debate/discussion. Do you agree with the statement I quoted above? Tell us your answer and let us know if your reason falls under any of the points I listed. If not, please use the comment box and share your opinions. Cheers

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About thetoolsman

I mostly refer to myself as an unrepentant media addict .. Well, cause I'm mostly always hunting for information through one media channel or the other... Hit me up on twitter @thetoolsman

Discussion

67 thoughts on “Separated.

  1. 😀

    Posted by Son1aO | June 15, 2011, 9:31 am
  2. Almost first 😦

    Posted by Mobanks | June 15, 2011, 9:34 am
  3. Ok, so I’m not a fan of long distance relationships, firstly because of your first point about men and secondly cos, I’m a friendly person, if I was far away from my bf I will pity the guy. He will be having heart-attacks thinking of how other guys are getting comfy with me. He’d trust me, cos I won’t do anything, but because of my friendly nature he will be wary of the guys flocking around me.

    Posted by Son1aO | June 15, 2011, 9:38 am
  4. hahaha :p

    Posted by Son1aO | June 15, 2011, 9:39 am
  5. Hmmmmmm
    Apart from intimacy & trust issues, I think if I’m in a relationship, I want to see my gf every now & then, have dinner, catch a movie, go to some events & stuff. For me distance can’t work, I tried twice the longer one lasted a couple of months. Maybe if I’m in a happy & healthy relationship for a while & then the distance cones I might be able to handle it but I’ve never been in such a situation. My Verdict: Distance can’t work for me.

    Posted by Keyzer Soze | June 15, 2011, 9:43 am
  6. To me it depends on both parties …
    It could actually work especially if they started out as friends n trust each other…
    i used to be that kinda person b4 my present relationship, like 98% of each of my previous relationships was(were) based on phone conversations n mails…
    it worked for me then cos i just never had the time to socialize (model child, school, church n every)
    with my current relationship, it made me realize what i was missing out on but 2 b honest, 1ce in a while i just miss the fact that i can’t b physically far from my current partner (i mean boyfriend x_x)
    p.s pls pardon any grammatical error.

    Posted by Foxy | June 15, 2011, 9:46 am
  7. I think the distance does more harm than good. Its just best to date som1 who’s within reach.

    Posted by ayo | June 15, 2011, 9:52 am
  8. I’m so down for long distance relationships but a whole lot of my friends think its crap.

    The “what’s at stake” portion of your post summarises my thoughts on LDRs (although the married couple with/without a child part was quite deep).. :)..

    If the foundation of the relationship is strong like they didn’t start out being apart, then yeah..possibilities of non-didtsnce-related problems would be lower. At the same time it depends on the individuals and their desire to wanna be committed.

    Some people are so not built for distance relationships thouuuggghhhh… I’ve seen 2year relationships break up because the girl had to travel out. *sigh*

    Posted by StephanieIj | June 15, 2011, 9:53 am
  9. NO COMMENT!!!

    Posted by Shawana Kolawole | June 15, 2011, 9:55 am
  10. almost first olodo Moji.. Lmaoo.

    Posted by StephanieIj | June 15, 2011, 9:55 am
  11. Toolsman baba, my very first comment…..

    my mind can be strong all it wants …but my Flesh is weak and WILL win.
    Therefore, i shall be chopping shakky on the side.

    Posted by ShoWade | June 15, 2011, 9:56 am
  12. In my opinion it depends on the couple involved, too much ‘togetherness’ can make a relationship too ‘routined’, a bit of distance and space can make you realise how much you miss you better half when he/she is away and hence make you appreciate them more.

    Posted by Lottanna Dike | June 15, 2011, 9:59 am
  13. Heycceee.. come back here…

    Posted by thetoolsman | June 15, 2011, 9:59 am
  14. hahaha.. no be you?…

    Posted by thetoolsman | June 15, 2011, 10:01 am
  15. Umm…awkward moment? lol
    I’m in a long distance r/ship at the moment, and I gotta say it’s the best r/ship I’ve ever been in because we are both so committed to what we have. Yes, there’s that gigantic issue of distance which can sometimes overwhelm you and break you down especially when all u want after a hard/bad day at work is that hug from your significant other that just seems to make everything right in the world again. Yes, it’s difficult but so is a normal r/ship where both partners see each other often.

    Without trust and patience, an LD r/ship cannot work cus u’ll go crazy outta your mind with scenarios popping into ur head about what ur man is possibly up to. One has to learn to overlook/ignore most of what one feels the partner’s doing wrong or else you two would be having constant arguments further straining the r/ship. U don’t need that! and also, if u’re in an LD, i’d advise you not 2 follow ur partner on twitter especially if they are the really friendly type!

    In summary, LD can work as long as both partners are committed! and the funny thing is I don’t want anyone else. I want my man who is faraway because I know eventually, we’d be 2getha, in each others’ presence, forever! (so help us God)

    Posted by wordsofanaries | June 15, 2011, 10:04 am
  16. Like fire, distance extinguishes small love while it intensifies great love. Nobody said it would be easy, both parties knew distance was coming up soon and should talk about it and make concrete plans or how often u would visit and talk to each other.
    Of course, d length of d commitment matters sometimes, I think what should rily matter is how impt the person is to u. U meet someone u believe maybe ‘the love of ur life’ , 3mnths later, he’s travellin to yemen (that country jus popped up in my head) for 6mnths- 1yr, would u let it go simply because distance is coming up? I believe distance helps to strengthen a relationship because the focus is moved towards building the friendship part of the
    relationship. And also building trust in both couples. Personally, when I hear that distance broke a relationship up, I believe the relationship was never strong enough anyway. In those days of great loves, couples were apart for years and sent letters and various memorabilia to each other, they tried to keep the passion alive. Nowadays, cos there’s so much attached to physical intimacy, it is presumed that a relationship where the couple is separated cannot work, Which is crap!

    PS- Sorry for rambling

    Posted by @deevagal | June 15, 2011, 10:05 am
  17. Uhm…
    I think I’ll be quiet on this one.
    But y’all have fun now…talk.

    Posted by The Capoeira Panda | June 15, 2011, 10:08 am
  18. hmm,Im in a long ditance relationship at the moment and it my first. As u said technology makes up for emotional need but in this rainy season theres need for physical contact even if Im a girl Im wired like a guy. I decide to trust him and not bother myself about what or who he is doing because i dont want to get old quick. As for me, skype, twitter, facebook, BBM, and looking forward to being with him soon does keep me going but if the long distance goes over a 6 months at a time. Im sorry, I kent.

    Posted by isimemeh | June 15, 2011, 10:13 am
  19. Toolsman, first and foremost your post doesn’t hide your negative bias towards long distance relationships…..so you’re gonna lose points as an unbiased moderator 😛

    Moving on, this issue like a lot of other social issues easily tempts us to present our personal experiences and opinions as “Rules of Life” like it is a fucking rule from some stupid “Rule book on Life”. Big lie!!!!

    There are no hard rules on stuff like this, so to each his/her own.

    The success or failure of a long distance relationship will be purely dependent on the individuals in the said relationship and their circumstances at the time of the relationship.

    That is all.

    And oh by the way, I have successfully done both…….at different times 😉

    Posted by Lagos Hunter | June 15, 2011, 10:14 am
  20. A ha.. I like how you started out but then the ‘distance helps strengthen relationships’ bit.. I rally don’t know… friendships can also be developed at close proximity cant they?

    Also, you spoke about ‘those days of great loves’.. I think we need to contextualize things here.. you might not admit it but time and technology have changed alot of things. The 6 degrees of separation we have nowadays was probably 10 or even 11 back them.. meaning you’re 50% more distracted/tempted now that you’d have been then. Does this not count for something?

    Posted by thetoolsman | June 15, 2011, 10:16 am
  21. hahaha.. chicken…

    Posted by thetoolsman | June 15, 2011, 10:16 am
  22. Oh.. go jo… don’t try to spotlight my ‘background info’. I’m just like any other commenter today and I’ll base your inference on the comments I’ve made so far..

    PS: Like I said, I can speak for both sides of the coin so watch out…

    Posted by thetoolsman | June 15, 2011, 10:21 am
  23. OK…now lets break down your points

    It’s the man
    It’s always the man (i joke) Long distance is no excuse. We all know of men who live with their girlfriends/wives and still cheat on them, some constantly. but not just men though. Everyone cheats, LD or not!

    Blame the woman
    Yes, we are emotional beings. Yes we want our men’s attention all the time. But since we know this, wouldn’t LD be better in this case since our men won’t have to constantly physically deal with our clingy nature? The phone works wonders, so does BBM emoticons lol I kid. But as a woman, if you’ve been thru LD, you are stronger and less needy bcus the issues that most couple deal with together, you and ur man have had 2 do it on ur own.

    What’s at stake?
    If you are not married, you have nothing major 2 lose and less inclined to stay in an LD. Situations are not forcing you to be in one, you are in one cause you actually want to. If you are married, I think it adds more pressure to the r/ship cus it’s like you are forced to be in such. In a situation where u know had u two not tied the knot, you woulda walked and consequently, the r/ship seems less about you two and more about the distance and dis can make it (the r/ship) lose its lustre. my 2 pence!

    Posted by wordsofanaries | June 15, 2011, 10:23 am
  24. Are you implying that the level of ‘patience and trust’ required for long distance relationships is grater than that of regular relationships? If that’s the case, tell me, can a husband/wife convincingly tell what their spouse is up to at every point in time? Isn’t it the same ‘trust and patience’ that you spoke about that keeps driving them?

    Posted by thetoolsman | June 15, 2011, 10:27 am
  25. And how do you define ‘a bit of distance’?

    Posted by thetoolsman | June 15, 2011, 10:29 am
  26. *coughs*, ermmm, just to feel important, I was at the said event and ermmm, I started dis discussion… 😀
    I still maintain my stance, long distance relationship can work if both parties are committed, there will def b hurdles bt things would work out. If u are datin someone and for sme reasns, d prsn is away for just a year, y end d rship? N thnks to our different modern communication devices and softwares, u cn communicate effectively n daily.yes body no be wood, temptations wud arise, bt that’s wen d true test of ur rship evolves.
    *whew*, I dnt mind being in a Long distance rship (a year max tho) 😀

    Posted by dammydiva | June 15, 2011, 10:34 am
  27. I was in a long distance relationship for almost 2 years and I’ll say this…It is not for the faint hearted. I met the girl, started dating and she left for school 2 months into the relationship. So basically, all the ‘getting to know you’ stuff was done over the phone. All the fights were over the phone. All the make ups were over the phone…

    and this is the scary part,…you only get to know what she decides to tell you. She only knows what I decide to tell her. She was in for a 5 year course and I looked at the whole thing mehn… I ran out of it fast. Twas for the best.

    Long distance relationships….. not healthy in any way.

    even when Jesus was leavin us, he said ‘i’ll send you a comforter’…
    Cos boys go mos def get their own ‘comforter’ that would fill in the spaces between skypin with the real babe.. lol..

    sorry for the long post.

    Posted by iam_dQ | June 15, 2011, 10:34 am
  28. *background music Brandy’s ‘Long Distance’*
    Weeeellll have been in one and let’s just say I got bored, that may have been ‘cos I was only a few levels above stupid at the time but I guess we’ll never know. For me, I’d prefer to be as close to my boo as possible…..I guess there isn’t a hard and fast rule and it really depends on the ‘variables’ involved – say phone costs, BB or sans BB, schedules, time difference, etc.
    Also how the people involved are wired – touchy-feely or somewhat independent.

    Posted by jAyajade | June 15, 2011, 10:36 am
  29. I have never been a fan of LDR, and I pray I don’t find myself in one. This topic takes me back to my Nysc days where u find 80% of relationships failing and married women taking off their rings just to get attention. The blunt truth is that the only thing that holds a Man and woman in any form of relationship is ATTENTION. LDRs don’t have such.

    Posted by Tunde Ogunyebi | June 15, 2011, 10:40 am
  30. LOL @ the comforter bit…

    Posted by thetoolsman | June 15, 2011, 10:40 am
  31. smh for you.. I’m glad you’ve come to terms with my point bout everyone having a threshold. I can see you stated yours in the last part of your comment.

    Posted by thetoolsman | June 15, 2011, 10:43 am
  32. Ok, glad you added this bit…

    Posted by thetoolsman | June 15, 2011, 10:44 am
  33. Nysc… hmmm…

    Posted by thetoolsman | June 15, 2011, 10:44 am
  34. No be so ?….

    Posted by Tunde Ogunyebi | June 15, 2011, 10:51 am
  35. *waving at Kola Shawana* 🙂

    I ended a relationship just as soon as long distance set in (NYSC and all) but it wasn’t because of the distance anyway. Nevertheless I can stay in a long distance relationship as long as it’s not marriage (maybe because I can always opt out if issues arise). Long distance is a no-no for married couples though. In my opinion.

    Posted by Glory | June 15, 2011, 11:07 am
  36. If u cnt b faithful for 3weeks of being in d nysc camp, u dnt deserve to b in a relationship..

    Posted by dammydiva | June 15, 2011, 11:12 am
  37. ”it depends on the individuals and their desire to wanna be committed. ”- !!!

    Posted by Kenyauk | June 15, 2011, 11:35 am
  38. Wasn’t a fan of LDRs until a while ago. I still wouldn’t advice pe go into it unless both parties are 100% sure of what they’re getting into. Times will come when compromises will have to be made. I, for instance had to tone my pride down a bit.
    Both parties need to accept that there are *ahem* needs that sometimes can’t be ignored. Saves a lot of “so, you had sex with so-and-so” drama. Honesty, is really important as well. Yeah, sometimes it hurts when he tells me he had sex recently with someone, and he sometimes gets suddenly tired when I tell him the same thing. But it helps. We aren’t deceiving ourselves. We know what the other person’s up to.
    Sha, before I do my own blog post here, I guess it all comes down to how much you care, how badly you want to stay together, and how hard you’re willing to try. That’s my 5 naira.

    Posted by cecenostockings | June 15, 2011, 11:57 am
  39. erm.. if I get you clearly.. did you modify the status of your relationship to ‘open’ (i.e. y’all are allowed to meet your erm.. ‘needs’ elsewhere and still come back into the ‘relationship) as an attempt to keep it alive over the long distance?

    Posted by thetoolsman | June 15, 2011, 12:04 pm
  40. LDRs mainly depend on the individuals. If one of the partners is insecure or gets jealous easily, it will not work. Trust is a huge factor. Ability to go without physical contact for extended periods is also a factor. Another thing is how much you want to be with your SO. If most people see themselves being in their current relationship for life, they’ll survive an LDR especially knowing they’ll eventually be together.

    My sister and her now husband were in an LDR for 6years. Right from the beginning of their relationship, he was in yankee, she was in jand, after 6 years they got married and now they’re together. Not everyone can survive this. If both parties have a high commitment level to the other, it will work. If not, it won’t.

    It really boils down to the 2 individuals involved.

    Posted by Mz. T | June 15, 2011, 12:12 pm
  41. NOT TRUE!!! There’s PLENTY of attention in mine. Even sometimes when I think don’t want it. And especially when he’s had a hard day.

    Posted by cecenostockings | June 15, 2011, 12:15 pm
  42. I have a lot to contribute but i’m at work and can’t put down my thoughts the way I should, so all i can say is the saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is gibberish.

    Posted by Trinity | June 15, 2011, 12:17 pm
  43. Yeah, you could say that.

    Posted by cecenostockings | June 15, 2011, 12:36 pm
  44. @Lagoshunter enough said!

    Posted by criistalpure | June 15, 2011, 1:23 pm
  45. Lol!! Hahahaha!!

    Posted by jadesola | June 15, 2011, 1:50 pm
  46. Okay, so, here’s my opinion. LDR’s are in no way for the faint hearted. They’ll take quite a bit of compromise. I kinda agree with Mr Tunde in one aspect. They require a lot of attention. More than would be necessary if both couples were in close proximity.
    This I can say from personal experience. If one party isn’t willing or able to give attention, there’s gonna be problems. But then, somehow or the other, there’s bound to be issues, and it’s on both parties to be willing to work through those problems and give their best to make it work. But of course, giving your best depends on how much you’ve attached to the relationship. Are you in it cos you think the person is “cool”? Just carry your two left legs and walk off now. Are you doing it cos you think the chances of it being forever are there? Then buckle up. You’ve got a long fight ahead.

    One of my brothers has been in an LDR for 8 years. They plan to get married. That’s something worth holding on for. I didn’t agree with LDR’s, but well, I’m in one now. And even though it may have potholes, I’m much more willing to work through it, cos I know she’s what I want and there’s no point looking elsewhere or giving up.
    Chei! See epistle o… this is Wale’s blog not mine so…
    Doozees.

    Posted by The Capoeira Panda | June 15, 2011, 1:56 pm
  47. *drumroll* #GBAM!!!!! 🙂

    Posted by jAyajade | June 15, 2011, 1:56 pm
  48. The success of a long distance relationship highly depends on how serious the relationship is and also the individuals involved.issues such as temptations, infidelity, lack of communication still arise in next street relationships as well, therefore where a relationship is heading, plays a vital role. Personally I’m all for LDRs..I can’t stand seeing a bf everyweek, I just can’t! I still wonder how I will cope if I ever get married!

    Posted by jadesola | June 15, 2011, 1:59 pm
  49. ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder’
    ‘Out of sight, out of mind’

    Clearly this whole long distance thing will work so some…. and for others, not so much.
    To me it is about what you guys have, whether it is worth holding on to, how committed you are and how ready you are for this kind of commitment.

    Posted by Simmylala | June 15, 2011, 3:23 pm
  50. i generally hate LDRs…… they take twice the effort to work, especially if there’s a break down in trust somewhere along the line…. iv had to do the long distance thing a couple of times and what keeps me goin is the thought that i wont leave my life partner if he goes far away so i should try and learn to make it work, at least at my end… but mehn……….. if i had to pick…………….

    Posted by nengie | June 15, 2011, 4:27 pm
  51. Dated a guy for bout 2 and a half yrs and then he had to travel to jand 4 masters..I initially wanted to end it cos I didn’t want d drama but he promised to make it work and so we’ve been in a long dist r/ship for bout a year and a half now. All in all d rel has lasted 4yrs. I can testify dat LDR is not for d faint hearted..
    But constant communication is key. My bf calls every blessed day and on some days,can spend as many as 5hrs a day on d fone.then there’s bbing, skype videocalls etc.
    He makes sure that every misunderstandin gets sorted out the very same day it starts even if it means staying up all night to talk.
    Its takes real work to make it work and yes constant attention has to be given by both parties. It gets tiring and frustrating sometimes but at least one person reminds d oda of why we are in it in d first place. It rily helps if d 2 ppl r on d same plane and both want the same tins from d rel.the ground rules are laid from d start and each person is held to d same standard.
    Apart from d cost on both parties esp him, there’s d insecurity which creeps in most times, d constant struggle btw d head and d heart..u neva can tell what d other party is doin. On my part I’ve been faithful. Haven’t choppped outside and I don’t tink I eva will. its not in my nature and since I’v lasted dis long why spoil it now. He swears he hasn’t chopped either (tho I find it hard to believe bt I choose to give him d benefit of d doubt since he goes to such great length to prove his fidelity and make me feel secure). We have invested a healthy dose of trust into dis relationship and so far so good, despite d ups and downs and d frustrating misunderstandings,I’ll still make d same decision all ova again. And yes it takes prayers too. Dude sometimes insists we pray together ova d fone. U knw, to bind d spirit of konji and tins in our lives 🙂

    Posted by Domina | June 15, 2011, 5:14 pm
  52. **Chilling at the back of the class, looking for answer sheet to dub.
    ***Dubs Cece. Cancels it out.
    ****Submits blank sheet adorned with confused smiley

    Posted by afrosays | June 15, 2011, 6:15 pm
  53. Lovely comments. Thumbs up to peeps who are strong for LDR. More power to your elbows, what doesent kill you makes you stronger.

    Posted by Chicasa | June 15, 2011, 6:21 pm
  54. true ds..

    Posted by MzS_Pam | June 15, 2011, 7:05 pm
  55. Like I was built for them, LDRs. It takes a lot of hard work. No birthdays, no Valentines, no Christmas, no End-of-the years. All you have is a phone/BBM/DM/FB relationship. And when you finally get to see, you have no clue how to act or behave around them. He/She might have picked a new habit or two. And u’re stale on the happenings in their life. All those TDHs and shawties all over the place nko? Emotional cheating plenty!
    If you wanna do LDR, leave the communication lines open, and enter with your eyes open. Shikena!

    Posted by Nutella. | June 15, 2011, 7:06 pm
  56. Well, there are a number of LDRs out there and each couple has their own ways of dealing with the situation. I haven’t been in a long distance relationship so I can’t really relate.

    Ultimately it all depends on how the couple is willing to make it work..but there are a lot of things that “absence” does to the relationship. It’s really not the same thing.

    But you know what? If the person is worth it why not give it a shot? I’m talking about a relationship that has a strong chance of leading to marriage…just take the plunge and put your heart and head in it. I can go with it if she’s worth it. Why the heck not.

    Posted by awizii | June 15, 2011, 10:48 pm
  57. I think basically, for a long distance relationship to survive, there should be a time frame for the separation.

    Is s/he studying and is likely to return after a specific time? Otherwise, are the both of you willing to stay apart forever? Is one party malleable enough to move? These are the pertinent questions.

    I have had my fair share of close and distant relationships. I wouldn’t say either survived or failed as a result of the distance.

    However, as it stands now, I wouldn’t willingly go into a LDR, it’s far too much work. But if I’m faced with a partner who has to change jobs or is transferred to another city, sticking it out would be based on how serious and committed I perceive him to be.

    P.S. I don’t get married couples living apart. I would totally quit my job and move with my husband should the need arise. A united family is priced above a thriving career in my books.

    Posted by DOMINATRIX | June 16, 2011, 8:16 am
  58. I’ve done d whole LDR tngy n all I can say is never again.u deal with trust issues, u deal with dse times wen ur dwn n out n need ur bf or gf to be dere(which in mst cases give room for all sorts to happen),u deal with truckloads of insecurities(I did).well in d end it all depends on d individuals..im alil clingy n I like the whole “I’ve gt my mans shoulder to cry on” n distance wnt permit dat..so LDR is a no no for me…I hope with dese few points of mine *buzz,time up* hehe

    Posted by beeyuteeful | June 16, 2011, 8:43 am
  59. my 1st eva comment
    if ure in a Long Distance Relationship jus ave it at d bck of ur mind dat d relationship could end sooner dan u xpect

    Posted by desesaa | June 16, 2011, 11:28 am
  60. This topic is kinda touchy in itself…..like you, I could argue for and against depending on which side of the divide I’m on per time….

    Posted by Shawana Kolawole | June 16, 2011, 11:59 am
  61. I see you…..*waving back*

    Posted by Shawana Kolawole | June 16, 2011, 12:14 pm
  62. 1. Men that want to cheat will cheat regardless of distance.

    2. Women are emotional about everything and phones/messages are no substitute for eye-eye contact and the depth conveyed by a caring touch.

    3. Whats at stake? the only thing worth being at stake is your mutual happiness. If you hold on to something simply for “holding on sake”, you have already lost it. #ThisIsDeep.

    So…

    LDRs are a complex thing and I feel it depends on the purpose of the relationship and the infrequency of contact.

    For example, If there is contact at least 3-4 times a year (maybe small holidays, weekend gettaways) and something to look forward to (say, one partner’s eventual return) then it all boils down to the seriousness of the people involved.

    On the other hand, staying in a relationship when neither party is sure if/when they will see each other again is ridiculous and quite frankly…jonzing.

    Simply put, if theres something worth waiting for and little tidbits are provided to help until it eventually arrives, excellent. Else, bail out.

    Posted by ThinkTank | June 16, 2011, 12:20 pm
  63. Guess ThinkTank summarised things quite nicely…som real great comments as well…me…no comment.

    Posted by musingsofagidimallam | June 17, 2011, 10:32 am
  64. Hey. This is guna be long… Sorry
    So I’ve been in an LDR before and it was HELL. I was in love with my then gf and was willing to do anything to make it work; staying up till 4am to chat with her (6-hr time difference), buying phone cards, giving a daily itinerary….. Anything to make her feel happy and secure.
    We ended up fighting a lot over nothing, making up three days later and wondering what caused the fight. First, it was once a month; by the end of the fourth month, I only had one day of peace. I eventually figured something out: we fought a lot because we missed each other and she pissed me off a lot to get a reaction, to ensure that I still cared about her.
    Truth be told, all the fighting wore us out to the point that we couldn’t even recognize why we were together anymore. We broke up and she shifted to the guy that was her away match even when I was around. Such is life lol
    In my opinion, LDRs tend to destroy relationships. Maybe if the relationship isn’t new, then maybe it’ll survive an LDR. Anything less than a year isn’t even worth that commitment because to me, the foundation isn’t strong enough. I’d also like to agree with everyone before me: it’s about the individuals, their level of commitment and also the assurance that they want the same thing. Good luck to anyone newly trying it and much respect to the people successful at it.

    PS Sorry about the long message; it’s a personal & touchy issue. Kudos to the toolsman for having liver to bring it up. I’m SO following you on twitter lol

    Posted by dayo | June 17, 2011, 10:46 am
  65. I have never been a LDR advocate. Infact I cannot date someone who lives more than 1hr or 2 away. You can yimu all u want but I know myself. In most cases, out of sight IS out of mind for me……that’s just me….

    Posted by Gbemi | June 20, 2011, 12:52 am
  66. *sigh* Mr Tools!!!
    I think LDRs cld work if both parties are committed, but the distance could also make the fire fizzle out so quickly.
    Yeah I totally agree with ur analogies 🙂
    Two people that hv dated for a year + (for instance), if they have to be apart, they could make it. But ppl after 2 months r forming LDR, I always inwardly SMH, and wld gladly ask them to sit down n stop jonzing (if and only if they asked me)
    Soon, u’d have a new life n u’d find that the more u get used to the way things are, u begin to slip away.
    Sha sha I once dated this dude living in Abuja, whilst I lived in Lagos (we both go to school outside Nige)… All was well in school o, but the 3 month summer vac we spent apart helped expose a whole lotta gaffes that eventually ended up very messy.
    Yeah we try to be Realistic, but two people who r in love with each other must never pass up the opportunity to give it a try. Every moment counts. Together, and apart.
    🙂

    Posted by Yasminn | June 20, 2011, 4:03 pm

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