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Brand that package.

Hey people. Let me start by saying this is yet another not-so-wet Friday post. *Dodges rotten tomatoes*. Whew. Ok, now that that’s out of the way, for the rest of us here, I’d like to say I’m very psyched about todays post because it features a writer I really respect. Today’s post is an excerpt from one of her books currently available for Amazon titled A Love Rekindled. Yes, she’s the uber-cool Myne Whitman. Enjoy.

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Kevwe felt like a teenager as Efe stepped out of the car giggling. He killed the engine and followed her. He didn’t know what to expect, but he still checked his wallet to be sure there were some condoms. The atmosphere hinted at something serious. He wasn’t sure she was ready for sex yet, with all it entailed but some protection wouldn’t hurt if they did decide to go all the way.

Inside her room, they flowed into each other’s arms. Efe moaned and her head dropped on Kevwe’s shoulder as he slipped his arms under her fitted blouse and rubbed her back. When his hands moved to the other side, the sensations running over her body became exquisite. He pressed open-mouthed kisses on her forehead and her ears. Aching to touch him too, she wrapped her hands around him. Kevwe pushed her down on the bed, one of his hands gliding over her thighs.

More sweet and drugging kisses followed as they explored each other’s bodies with hands and lips. When Kevwe put his full weight on her, his arousal pressing urgently into her thigh, she noticed her blouse was completely unbuttoned, her skirt riding around her hips, and felt the last of her resistance slipping away. Eyes closed, she brought his face to hers for a long kiss, wishing it would never end. When he pulled away, Efe remained that way, knowing he was right there.

“Can you help me put this on?” Kevwe’s voice brought her out of the lull. Efe opened her eyes and turned to him, looking away instantly in panic. A condom strained halfway down his erection and sweat beaded his shirtless torso. It was as if a bucket of ice-cold water had been dashed on her face, draining her passion. She caught hold of one of Kevwe’s hands, which tried to stroke her intimately again, and said in a low, husky voice, “Kevwe, I think we should stop now.”

*******

Wondering what we’re getting at with this post? One word: condoms. It simply amazes me when I hear some of my very educated and very exposed female friends talk about their hatred for condoms and how off-putting it is when it comes to sex. I won’t talk about the guys because I doubt there’s one guy out there who really likes those things but nobody wants to die right? Wrong. Personal experiences and tales from friends have tempted me to ‘assume’ that no matter what they say in public, when it comes down to it, womenfolk care very little what package their sausages come in. Is this right or wrong? That’s why we are here, to the ladies out there; take a second to think about your last romp on the sack, can you confidently name the brand he used? Are you even sure he used one? As for the guys, I’d like to hear from you, do you agree with my assumption? Do you have stories to support it or not? Use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.

PS: I’d like to congratulate those who won themselves invites to The Naked Convos #1. If you won and still haven’t gotten your invite, kindle send an email to: hello@thenakedconvos.com. See y’all on Sunday.

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Our Best Friends Wedding: Episode 11: Bukola

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Rodgers Bar

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*phone rings*

“So… are you going to pick that?”

“Erm.. no.. it’s really not important.”

“Charles Charles. It’s good to see you as always and I can see you’ve been doing good for yourself.”

“Bukola Smith just complimented me. Wow. Something isn’t just right here. Have you totally gone soft on us? Or has the good Lord finally moved into your heart?”

“Well, maybe he has and maybe it’s high time you paid him a visit too.”

“Maybe?… You know, I must say I was really surprised when you agreed to meet up with me, not after our last encounter. You just seemed to vanish after that. Noone heard anything from or about you and for Bukola Smith, that is just all kinds of strange.

“What can I say, I needed some space. I needed to find myself. I took some time away from the lies and the deceit of this world. And yes, you were right. On that journey I met God and it’s because of him I came back.”

“How come? I don’t understand?”

“The only reason I agreed to meet with you Charles is because I need to make peace with my past. I need to resolve the past so I can move on.”

Bukola broke off into a speech about friends, friendship, family and the recognizing the people who truly matter in peoples’ lives. She must have been talking for about fifteen minutes when it suddenly hit Charles. That wasn’t where he should be. He had issues from his past that also needed resolution. A repentant Bukola was certainly more than a hint for him.

Charles took out his wallet and pulled out some money. He dropped it on the table, stood and proceeded to give Bukola a forehead kiss halting her mid sentence. “Thanks for meeting me. I’m really sorry but I have to run.” With that, he stormed out of the building and dashed into his car. It was almost 11pm and he had only one destination in mind.

*******

Jades Apartment

*******

“Charles? What are you doing here? Are you ok?”

“Interrogation at the door? Can I at least come in?” Jade stepped aside and watched with a puzzled expression as Charles walked into her apartment. “You do know it’s almost midnight right? So don’t look at me like a crazy woman when I ask you if everything is okay.” Charles remained quiet. He had a smile on his face as he started walking round the living room area. He stopped at a furniture piece beside the flat screen TV and bent over to examine some of the pictures in the frames. He picked up one that had him, Jade and Kemi in it and smiled again as he examined it closely. Jade had had enough of his silence. The look on her face clearly stated she was getting impatient with Charles’ quietness but deep within her, she was concerned.

“Oh, your date. Bukky. How did that go?” Jade finally asked. Charles turned to look at her; he replaced the picture frame on the furniture piece and then responded. “Do you remember the day we took this picture?” Charles smiled again as he resumed his slow pacing round the room. “I remember that stupid party, Kemi’s crazy crazy car…. What was it’s…

“Tyler” Jade responded, also smiling. Charles looked at her then and they both laughed together, memories floating across their minds. “Who on earth names their car Tyler? Kemi is just so special.” Charles paused again. The smile on his face was now a permanent one and Jade watched him closely rooted to the same spot she had been standing close to the door. “We stayed in that ridiculous excuse for a hotel. I still don’t know how they believed Kemi and I were actually married.”

“And I was your sister. The one that had been in the UK for so many years.” Jade added.  Charles continued walking. Now making his way towards Jade, he ran his left hand across the top of one of Jade’s pink leather sofas, shook his head and then smiled again. “You know, I owe you a confession from that night.” He looked up at Jade who now had her hands wrapped around herself in an embrace. She returned his gaze with a look that said “Go on…”

Charles continued walking slowly. Towards the door, towards Jade. “That night at the hotel when Kemi went downstairs to see the manager and I was asleep in bed. Well, I wasn’t. He paused again. “You came in from the bathroom after taking your bath.. I remember you took one look at the bed and then you let your towel fall to the floor. Jade remained quiet, the expression on her face not clear even as Charles moved within a few steps from her.

“Naked. That was the first and only time I’ve seen my … Bestfriend naked despite all the talk, all the accusations. I watched you that night as you slowly worked your moisturizer on your milky skin and I just wondered. It felt completely logical, heck it just felt right but why had it never occurred to me. To us.” Charles was now standing right in front of Jade looking straight into her eyes.

*silence*

“So this is the part where I slap you and call you a perv? Jade broke the silence. She unfolded her hands and was about to turn away when Charles stopped her. He pulled her close to himself and his lips found hers. Jade held Charles in a tight embrace and kissed him back. Slowly and then like reunited lovers hungry for each other’s touch, the kissing became more intense.

Their tongues continued to dance to music only Jade seemed to be able to hear. She had waited for this moment for ten years. Just when she thought it would never come; just when she had almost given up hope, he kissed her. Charles kissed her and what a kiss it’s turning out to be. Stars collided and the moon fell in Jades world as Charles’ hands began to explore her body. “So this is what it feels like’ Jade thought to herself. Finally, she wouldn’t have to be told how it went, she would do the telling. She briefly pictured the expression on Kemi’s face as she told her but her thoughts were cut short. Charles lifted her off the floor in one swift move and moments later, they were in her room but Jade was in paradise.

Her eyes fluttered open as her nostrils tingled with the smell of freshly made coffee. He was there, sitting by her bedside holding out a tray grinning from one ear to the other. “I made you breakfast…” Charles started… “… in bed? Oh wow… So this is how you woo all your victims.” Jade completed his sentence. “Oh will you shut up and take jo.” Jade took the tray, which had a cup of coffee, a sandwich and a bowl of grapes on it. She then placed it beside her and drew into him to kiss him.

The kissing continued for a long time until Charles pulled away from her.. “Your coffee…. It will get cold.” Jade was adamant. She tried to kiss Charles again but he pulled back. “Look at her… so much for you not being horny…” Jade pulled away and then rolled her eyes. “Well good morning Mr. Freaking Ego.” She finally said. Charles responded with a soft laugh and watched as Jade took a bite from her sandwich. “I know, I know… It’s good. You don’t have to tell me.” She shot a sarcastic look at him and continued with her meal.

“Look, we have to talk…” “Ok.. I’m listening” She responded with a mouthful of the sandwich. Charles moved closer to her on the bed and held her free hand. “Jade. Last night was… ” He paused as if for effect and let his words hang. He took a deep breath and then continued. “Last night was all kinds of amazing… “

“But? There’s a but? What’s with all this drama Charles, what?

“Look, I just think it’s best we don’t explore this. I think it will…”

“It will what? What Charles? You’re going to give me that clichéd speech about how it’s going to ruin our friendship. How it’ll all be good for a couple of weeks and then we’ll turn and go at each other like a frustrated married couple?”

Charles tried to speak but Jade continued. “Well, here’s some news for you Charles, I invented that freaking story and I’ve been telling it to everyone for the past ten years so except your version has some sick twist at the end, please save it.” She pulled her hand away from his and pushed aside her tray. Charles took a deep breath and tried to talk. “It’s just… we just… you just mean so much to me as a friend and we really don’t know if this is more than the physical”

“Oh no … no no no Charles. You didn’t just say that.” Jade got off the bed dragging the duvet along with her. She made the duvet into a wrapper and cover herself before she turned to Charles. “You know, maybe you are the selfish egotistical dude some people make you out to be after all. You need to speak for yourself because even a blind man could see my feeling for you a mile away. You know what, never mind. I should have known.”

“Jadesola… just calm down and listen to me…”

“Listen to what Charles? Listen to what? Uhn uhn.. I’m done. You know what, can you please leave. I can’t handle this right now.”

“Seriously, Jade. You want me out?”

“Yes Charles. Get out of my house.”

************

Hey people. just two more to go… If you haven’t been following the series, use this link here to read the previous episodes. OBFW is jointly written by @cikk0 and I and we’d like to say a huge thank you to the guys at Barows 21 for sponsoring it. Now to today’s magazine giveaway.

Which episode did Charles declare the following to his friends:  “The search is over!”?  The first person to give the right answer wins. Please remember to comment with an original email address. Also, past winners are not allowed to participate in the competition holding the week after theirs. Good luck.

The Shrink & I

The phone rings. I tell him to ignore it. I pull him back into bed, into the softness of my hands and the warmth of my embrace. His lips, softer than marsh-mellows, his body, firm and securing. I lust after him even while he’s with me. His heart, his mind, his everything… I’m in love with. He lays it all on me. Legs wrapped round his waist. I want more. I always want more. Our blissful image fades away as the stares and the jeers from the faces around us become more intense.

I’ve known Gbenga for 3 years and we’ve been together for a little over 2 of those wonderful years. He is married to a bitch. She literally drives him crazy. Despite his huge manly frame, it isn’t hard to know who the man of his house is. I’ll always remain thankful to her though. I’ll always be thankful she annoyed him so much he wandered into that bar. The same bar I was that night. He started with one shot and then more followed.  I had noticed him the moment he walked in and as I sat in the corner watching him, I knew he needed help. I knew he needed my help.

I became Gbenga’s shrink that night and days after, he opened his broken self to me. Maybe it’s because we have a lot in common, or maybe I’m just a damn good doctor. For whatever reason, he felt comfortable confiding in me and for the first time since he got married, Gbenga told someone he was scared of his wife. Her presence frightened him and he said he was sure the reason she hadn’t gotten pregnant for him was because his seeds could never germinate in her evil garden.

Our sessions continued for a long time before I hinted him about my feelings and even then, I knew I had to be careful. Not only does it go against professional ethics, I also didn’t want to scare him off. He was always so happy to get on my consulting couch. On it, he becomes the man he truly is; he laughs at my jokes and even cracks some too. Memories of his wife completely fade away whenever he rests on Lucy (yes, I named my couch).

The first cut they say is the deepest – not with Gbenga. It felt almost as if he expected it, almost as it he wanted it, almost as if he knew. Lucy became our spot for many weeks after that and I just knew he had to be mine. But the only way it will work is if he leaves his wife. I didn’t suggest it,  it was him. He knew we would have to adopt kids because I can’t have any. He knew he would have to face his wife and eventually face the world someday. Well, today is that day. Here I stand in his parents living room holding his hand firmly, watching for reactions as the words left his mouth: “Papa, this is the man I love and want to marry.”

*****

On the 24th of July 2011, same-sex marriage became legal in the U.S. state of New York sparking off conversations in many quarters. I co-wrote this piece with a member of the community here, @FoluShaw because we feel the time is right to bring this discussion to the fore.

There’s no denying the fact that we have homosexual men and women living in our society, some we know, others we don’t. Some of us openly judge them while others embrace them. As this is a very touchy subject, I’d like to plead for us to be as objective as possible with our comments. I’d like to hear your views on the subject starting with your personal opinion on homosexuality and our society. Use the comment box to speak your mind.

PS: We still have a few invites to give away to our event, The Naked Convos #1 holding this Sunday. To win invites today, you’ll have to follow the @TheNakedConvos twitter handle and look out for the challenge later in the day. Good luck.

The old man’s why.

For those who know me personally, you might have heard me make such a sweeping statement like “Atta is the coolest person in the world!” Well, I won’t go into why I think so. But I’ve brought you one of his shorter pieces to read. It’s a bit different from what you’ve been seeing on here but I’m glad I have versatile readers here. Without further ado, I bring you Atta Otigba’s ‘The Old Man’s Why’.

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I was born without a smile. I do not smile because I must. Long before I learned to laugh I knew what sadness was. I was born in the dead of night, into large freezing hands and a frost-bitten world with nothing but my wailing to call my own. I did not know the hands were large. If I did then I have forgotten and will never know. So I did not. I only knew to scream at the top of my lungs – they would not listen otherwise. It was all I knew and far too cold for smiling.

Now I am old and frail and weary of wailing. I have learned one thing more I did not know before – or if I did, I have forgotten; that nothing stops. Even still things move in time. Perish the wailing. There is now, for me, only laughter. It is all I know and far too late for crying.

I smile before I must. Smile, I must. So I do not wait to have no choice. I smile without a cause. I am not mad, only weary of waiting. There is no reason in waiting for reasons. There is no reason in waiting; if time will not wait then neither will I.

I was born without a smile. But I will die smiling. I will go to sleep with both corners turned up, on one side of a great, grim, grey curtain, and wake up on golden sheets, laughing at the top of my lungs – and they will listen.

******

Can you identify any talking point? I’ll just let you guys share your thoughts on the piece using the comment box.

Now, Thetoolsman has mandated me to give away 5 invites to The Naked Convos #1. I’m really not a big fan of these things so I hope this challenge doesn’t come across as too ‘challenging’.

I’ll give out invites to the following:

1. First two people to give me a synonym for the word ‘pulchritudinous‘.
2. First person to name my first ever post on this blog.
3. First person to name all the writers the participated in The Vagina Monologues on this blog.
4. First person to name the other blog I write for.

Good luck.

N is for NO.

Hey everyone. Hope your weekend was half as good as mine (I strongly doubt this tho J ). So, I really wont be posting much this week; like I said last week, I’ll be talking a lot about our transition to the new site as well as The naked Convos #1. Like I said last week, I’ve gotten the sponsors to give us twenty invites to give away so between now and Wednesday, I have to find ways to give them all out.

Before we get to that, today’s post is a throwback. I wrote this a while ago for a friends blog and based on some recent events, I thought it’d be good to post it here so ….

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DMX once rapped “Tired of weak ass niggas whining over p*ssy that don’t belong to them” (Party up in here). A lot of times when I hear people talk about rejection and the fear of it, it’s mostly women doing the talking. Especially with our African women, they find the idea of a gurl asking a guy out almost ludicrous not to talk about a woman proposing to a guy. There really isn’t much to think about here because no matter the excuse we try to hide behind, and there are loads of them, from cultural to religious implications (yup, I’ve heard them all), the plain and simple truth is that we are all scared of rejection.

That being said; there’s a very thick line, heck, it’s more like a gorge between post-rejection wallowing and whining over something was never and probably could never be yours. Well, today, I’m not going to talk about the stereotype; no sir, contrary to what most people think, post-rejection wallowing/whining is also very common with men. It’s quite sad to see how a lot of guys misunderstand rejection for fronting or invitation for persistence. Don’t get me wrong, our women front, there’s no debate there. And sometimes, a little bit of persistence isn’t bad (Ask Obama and Michele) but you need to learn where to draw the line. Let me spell it out for you: sometimes – no, in fact, most times, No means NO!

You’re good looking ….. NO!

You drive a good car ….. NO!

You have a good job ….. NO!

No matter how much of a catch you seem to be by ‘popular standards’, I think being able to ‘humble’ yourself to the point where you can accept and process rejection (in all forms) is a very important quality. It’s sort of like being able to laugh at yourself (not at your own jokes), I mean, being able to look in the mirror after making a major mistake and then laughing at your own stupidity. A lot of men need to understand and accept the fact that not all women in the world want Mr. Perfect (some will rather have Mr. Just Ok, Mr. good looking with a temper or Mr. Ugly with a long John)

In conclusion, I’d like to add that the inability to process rejection is not only inherent in good looking or ‘seemingly’ hawt men. Even the not-so-perfect guys sometimes fail to understand why she won’t give them a shot. You might be tempted to ask “what exactly is their problem?” To respond to that, I’ll quote @LagosHunter: “just as some ‘hawt’ people have inferiority complex”, so do ‘not so’ hawt people have a superiority complexes.” And that simply explain it. Anyways, I guess the best way to find answers is to get you guys in on it. You know the drill; use the comment box to speak your mind. Why do you think people find it so hard to accept the word “NO”.

*****

And now, for todays, give away. I’ll be giving out five invites today and there are two ways to win.

I have here three very random numbers: 31, 57 and 74. If your comment comes in on either of those numbers, you’ll get a free invite to The Naked Convos #1.

Secondly, I’ve hidden two invites with two passwords in two of our old posts. The first two people to find the invites and come here to put up a comment with the post title under, which they appear as well as the password win invites. Good luck.

PS: Please make sure to comment with a valid email address and also, ensure you’ll be free to attend the event before participating.

Announcement: The Naked Convos #1


Whoosh. Yes people, you read that right, The Naked Convos #1, our first offline event will be holding on the 31st of July. This event is one of the activities we have lined up for our 1st year anniversary and our transition to our full website. Yes, http://www.thenakedconvos.com will go live on Monday 8th of August 2011. I’ll be putting up more info before then so you’ll understand the reasons for the movement and the choice of the name later on.

The Naked Convos Series is an interactive initiative designed to create safe spaces where young men and women can engage in open and honest conversations particularly about love, sex and relationships with an infusion of music, spoken words and other activities.

The Naked Convos #1 will hold on Sunday 31st of July from 5:30pm – 9pm. It will be hosted by the wonderful Gbemi ‘Mz411’ Olateru-Olagbegi while I’ll be curating. The event will feature a very diverse panel of conversation starters as well as exciting performances from some of the best vocalists around, spoken word artiste and also fun adult games.

Now, the first event is what we’ll like to call a ‘test event’. As a result, we cannot accommodate all our readers :(… This is something we hope to hold regularly so we are very particular about getting it right.

However, I have spoken to the sponsors and supporting organizations and we have been able to reach a reasonable compromise which will allow us give out some free invites to the event next week so please stick around. So if you’re really interested in attending, please keep your next week Sunday free. Also, you’ll be able to follow the event on twitter via the #TNC1 hashtag with live blogging provided by @otegaogra through @TheNakedConvos handle.

Finally, I’ll like to give a HUGE shout out to the good people of James Hillwood, Brookstone Consulting, Ayaba, Barows 21, Naledi’s Clothing  and of course you guys out there for making this possible. For those who know, this journey started well over four years ago and I can tell you we’re only just beginning. Here’s to many more years ahead. Cheers.

The Backyard.

Hey everyone. So, we’ll give the really wet posts a rest today and discuss something a little bit serious. Yes, I’m sure the title served as a good hint. I enlisted @Similicious87 to help with this one.  Enjoy.

*****

It was one of those nights when the weather, the mood and the booze were in sync. Kolade & I have been dating for 3 months and I have been withholding the nookie for that long. I was damn near losing my mind and so was he. This night felt so promising, I was freaking ‘thirsty’ and as horny as R.Kelly at a high school graduation. Kolade looked as calm as he always is, doing tequila shots while slowly undressing me with his eyes. ‘Oh it’s on like popcorn’ I thought to myself. Tonight is definitely the night. We got to his place and began our usual make out ritual. When he noticed I wanted more, he excused himself to go use the loo. That was my cue. I changed into my birthday suit and tucked myself beneath his duvet.

Kolade
I like Gabby… like I really really dig her. She is so cute and those lips are just something else. I like how they swell after we get all hot and bothered and that ass. Whoosh. I have been thinking about that all night… Heck, even ever since we met. Tonight is definitely the night. I noticed how she drank more than usual, touching and grinding up against me. I know she wants it and oh she’s gon’ get it! All of it! Imma tear that ass up!

Gabby
Kolade walked in the room and I gasped; ‘hottie with a body!’ Dang! He is packing! That sheath will make a porn star blush. Thinking about getting all that inside me made me wet instantly! (It’s been 3 months guys; allow the ‘corniness’). He came under the covers and looked pleasantly surprised to find me in my birthday suit.

We start kissing, touching, the heavy breathing, soft moaning. One hand on my breasts another probing between my legs. At that point, I was delirious and I was whispering gibberish in his ear while nibbling it. Just then he bent me over and I was thinking ‘how did he guess that I like that?’

He whispered something about ass and I figured he was talking about how good my behind looks. Then a shock wave went straight to my head. Without warning Kolade rushed in through my back door. He didn’t knock, he didn’t press the doorbell; he just plunged!

Minutes that felt like hours passed and I was sure I was bleeding even as I tried pushing this intruder away but he kept charging like a crazed bull making sure the mattress muffled whatever attempt I made to yell. As much as I tried to numb myself, every time he went back in, it felt like a knife stab followed by a sick, weird and twisted feeling of unexplainable pleasure. Soon, I felt the familiar jerk and groan. He got up and looked at me with a smile on his face. ‘I bet you liked that.’

Daniel is the sixth guy I’ve been with since Kolade. First time I asked him to do me from behind, he refused but I’m a woman, I always have my way. Nowadays he says he can’t come until we play in the backyard. Maybe I should thank Kolade afterall.

******

Ok, before you lash out at Gabby. This isn’t exactly a true story but I heard one very similar and that’s what inspired the post. If you’re half as inquisitive as I am, I’m sure you would have read all kinds of stuff on the subject. Lets step away from the hypocrisy today, like I always say, you can always comment anonymously. So for those who know, through experience or otherwise, kindly share and for the others, please take the poll below. Cheers.

PS: I’ll be putting up the announcement I promised a bit later, please make sure you check back.

Our Best Friends Wedding: Episode 10: Taiwo

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University Of Lagos 9 years ago…
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Jade pulled Charles closer and spoke, almost whispering: “But you know you could have asked us to come back later. Sheesh. Every freaking where smells like sex in here” she rolled her eyes. “Don’t gimme that look, are you telling me you didn’t realize what was happening from the way I sounded on the phone – go jo”.  “I sure will, as soon as Kemi comes out.”

Jade moved away from Charles and almost sat on the bad but she suddenly pulled herself up, shot a look of disgust at Charles and then proceeded to take a seat on the chair placed by the reading table in the room. Immediately she sat down Charles burst into laugher scrunching his nose and pointing at Jade’s chair.

“Ewww ewww ewww Charles.”

Just then, Chioma and Kemi walked into the room also laughing. “No wonder this one is carrying chest up and down with his kini wrapped up in that thick towel “ Kemi made a gesture towards Charles groin area.  Charles responded by looking away. Chioma then walked towards him… “Awwhh.. Chacha baby, we’re only teasing but I’m sure Daddy won’t mind a threesome with his three favourite girls in the whole world.”

Charles looked at Chioma, disgust written all over his face but then Kemi cut them short with “Whooo hooo… threesome! Threesome! Threesome!”  Kemi continued chanting even as Jade walked towards her, grabbed her by the arm and began pulling her towards the door. “I’m sure the diva feels pretty much better now. Really sorry we disrupted your normal scheduled programming. I guess that’s what bestfriends do. We’ll be on our way now, thank you.” With that Jade shoved Kemi through the door while she yelled out “byyyyyeeee.”

“Threesome, really? What was that Chi?” Charles questioned. “Exactly what it was. A suggestion.” “Oh so now, we’re going subliminal on each other?”  Charles’ accusation seemed to fall on deaf ears as Chioma busied herself with tidying up the room. “Oh come on Chioma. We’ve been here before and you know where I stand. We’ve been together for well over a year now and I’m loving every minute of our relationship why would I trash this for something so unsure, something I don’t even want.”

“Oh I know Charles. I know you don’t want Jade. I’ve never doubted that. But the question is: does she know this? Has she heard those words from your mouth?” Charles looked away, he knew it would come to this. Chioma came to his side then. “Look Charles, I’m not stupid. I have ears, eyes… I know what all your friends and even the whole school was saying about you and Jade before we began dating. Everyone thinks I’m a fool but I’ve looked through the women in your past and I’ve looked into your eyes and even though I know you love and care for her like your own blood, I know you don’t see her in that way.”

“I know you think telling her will break her heart but Jade is much stronger than you think she is. I’m a woman. I know how it feels to be led on. She deserves better Charles. I deserve a better man, a stronger man. I’m sorry Charles, I just don’t think I can go on with this”

**********

*Ring *Ring… Charles’ ringtone brought him back to the present.
“Helloooo. So, how’s your date going?”
“Terrible much.”
“How so? Taiwo’s a doll ke?”
“More like two dolls!”
Kemi laughed. “What’s he saying?” Jade asked while tugging at Kemi’s sleeve. Kemi ignored her and continued: “You don’t say…”
“Indeed, I do say,” Charles sounded like he was trying to catch his breath before continuing, “the chic is crazy!”
“Erm… why does your voice sound spacey? Don’t tell me you absconded to the toilet of the restaurant again?” Kemi chastised.
“It’s a toilet alright…”
“Yes?” Kemi asked suspiciously.
“At her house.”
“And I shouldn’t be surprised, why?”
“‘Cause I’m a pig. I know this.”
“Affirmative.”
“Look I know but this is some twisted ish!”
“What? What is so twisted that you have to bail into the toilet?”
“Threesome.”
“What?” Kemi’s eyes almost shot out of her sockets.
“What?” Jade whispered at Kemi. The suspense was killing her.
“With her twin sister, no less!” Charles added.
“Taiwo has killed me,” and with that, Kemi burst out laughing. Jade had had enough. She shook Kemi furiously, pressing for an answer: “WHAT IS IT???”
Finally aware of Jade’s presence, Kemi put her hand over the lower end of her mobile phone and spoke softly into Jade’s face: “Let’s just say Taiwo didn’t let us down…”

***************
Charles’ Place
***************

“Arrrgggghhhh! Crazy! You guys knew?”
“Dude,” Kemi said, “we always know.” Jade replied smugly.
“Bloody saboteurs,” Charles mumbled under his breath.
“What?” both ladies asked, unsure of what he’d said.
“Oh nothing,” Charles lied. Kemi curled her eyebrow as if to say: “I don’t believe a word coming outta that pie hole!” “Seriously, I said nothing. I was only thinking aloud about Bukola Smith.” He lied again.
“Ahh Bukky,” Jade gushed, “Hmm,” her eyelids fluttered and she began to whisper into Kemi’s hear. Charles was very familiar with that look and it sometimes never ended well. This time around though, Charles was sure it would end in absolute disaster.
“But you saw this coming,” Kemi started…
“You want me to date Bukky next?” Charles guessed.
“Smart man” Jade replied.
“See these mad women.” Charles spat back. He was in the middle of a playful, drawn out hiss when his phone rang. He took one look at the phone and made to pick the call at first then hesitated.
“Erm… ladies. Excusez moi,” he eased himself into his bedroom and into the adjoining toilet while the phone rang. Once he was out of earshot, Jade looked at Kemi, “And who could that be?” “Damned if I know,” Kemi replied.

In the bathroom, Charles was pleading, “No, no, no. It’s not like that. I’m sorry. You know I didn’t want this but just give me a few more weeks. Promise, promise, promise.” He paused to listen to what the person at the other end was saying before he continued. “No. Haven’t mentioned it yet. Still not the time… It will be soon. Ah. Alright dear. Talk to you soon.”

He expected there to be questions awaiting him upon arrival. Secrecy was not a thing that enjoyed prominence between the three. He sat down and was greeted with blank stares.

“So Bukky Smith it is,” Kemi reiterated.
“Yes.” Charles said. “So no questions?”

“About what exactly?” Jade replied. It suddenly dawned on Charles that they were not in a curious mood and he was glad for that. At that moment, the doorbell rang.

“Ahn ahn, I’m not expecting anyone. Who could it be?” As he said this, Charles got up and made for the main gate outside the building. “Please hurry back … I can’t be late for my date with Mayowa.” Jade yelled at Charles. The moment he exited the living room, it caught Jade’s eye and she quickly tapped Kemi’s shoulder. All Jade did was say one word: “Phone” and Kemi was across to Charles’ seat in a flash; grabbing the mobile phone that Charles inadvertently forgot on the side stool in one fluid movement.
“Oya oya do quick, look the phone over before the cow returns!” Jade encouraged. Kemi looked at the phone and pressed a couple of buttons. She soon furrowed her brows:
“That’s weird…” Kemi hummed.
“What’s weird?” Jade perked up.
“Why would Cha-cha be receiving calls from Eno in secret?”

***********

Hey people. We’re almost there… If you haven’t been following the series, use this link here to read the previous episodes. OBFW is jointly written by @cikk0 and I and we’d like to say a huge thank you to the guys at Barows 21 for sponsoring it. Now to today’s magazine giveaway question:

What was the amount on the bill given to Charles after his first date at Derricks? The first person to copy and paste the sentence from the episode, which has the correct answer into the comment box wins. Please remember to comment with an original email address. Also, past winners are not allowed to participate in the competition holding the week after theirs. Good luck.

PS: I’m going to be putting up a major announcement tomorrow. You won’t want to miss it.

Dilemma

“Why are you yelling?”

“You want the neighbours to call the cops?”

“I don’t give a f*ck” she yelled again.

“Who the f*ck is she?”

“You Better not lie to me cause I found the receipt in your wallet. I just can’t believe you would do this to me… not after all we’ve been through. Say something Tyree!”

*pause*

I’m Tyree, and the lady yelling at me is Keisha, my wife of 3 years. Keisha and I have been through hell together; she had my back when I had no one to turn to. She’s my life and I’ve promised myself that no matter what, I will do anything and everything to make and keep her happy. I love my wife more than life itself and I never meant to hurt her.

We’ve been living in our two-bedroom apartment for about two years now and sometimes, her family comes to visit. Three months ago, her cousin and her mom stopped by unexpectedly. Whenever they come, I try to be on my best behaviour. Her mum doesn’t like me cause she thinks I’m not good enough for her daughter (sometimes I think she’s right).

Ms. Ross is a 42 year old widowed society woman; a confirmed MILF. However, unlike her daughter she’s downright annoying and mean (to me at least). Monica (Keisha’s cousin) is also petite and sexy as hell but she’s a whore; everybody knows this. She’s always trying to make me do things with her but I never give into temptation. Keisha knew about Monica’s advances but she thought it was harmless. That’s what we all thought.

It was my brother’s birthday so me and the boys took him out for some drinks. I was totally wasted by the time I got home. I can hardly remember what happened but I know everyone was asleep. I didn’t bother with the lights in the sitting room; I just went straight for the couch. It wasn’t till I got there that I realized Keisha had been sitting there all along. She was wearing her favorite nightie, the silk and lace one. I couldn’t miss it; I bought it for her on our last anniversary.

I kissed my wife and she quickly grabbed my hand as if to support me from falling. “Come here, I’ve been waiting all night for you” she said. She held me tight in her arms and then she kissed me like she had really missed me. She helped me to the couch and within moments she was stroking and touching. We made sweet passionate love. The alcohol in my system made everything feel different – in a good way. She seemed a little more aggressive but I loved it.

When we were done, she got up and went into the bathroom, as she would normally do. But when she finished, she went straight into the room. I was too tired to get up so I slept on the couch.

Morning came, I woke up with the worst headache ever. Keisha greeted with me with a kiss “good morning babe, what time did you get back?” “What do you mean what time did I get back?” “I was in the room waiting for you but you never came.”

HOLY SHIT!

My head began to spin. “Where’s Monica.  And your mom?” “They left really early this morning.”

*speechless*

Keisha was wearing my t-shirt and a pair of shorts so I knew she wasn’t the one on the couch the night before. I couldn’t ask her any other question else she would have suspected something. God!!! I f*cked up! I’m never drinking again.

*Fast forward to the present*

Here we are now! The lady on the couch got pregnant that night but she had to get an abortion. I thought I would never get caught but I was wrong. Now I’m here wondering how to explain to the woman I love that I slept with another woman because I thought it was her? Will she believe me and how on earth am I supposed to tell her it was her mother?

“Say something Tyree!!” she yelled.

************

Hey everyone. So I decided to edit and put up this thought provoking piece sent to me by one of our baby closet writers (@TEMIptation) because of the comments from the Rules of (Dis)engagement post I put up on Monday. This piece is not a true-life story but I can tell you I’ve heard a true story that’s probably worse. Yes they are rare but they happen. Sometimes you just find yourself in that position you just can’t explain. Underwear sticking out of your couch; strangers sending you raunchy messages and pictures e.t.c. How does one tackle these situations without hurting the people you love or completely destroying the level of trust they have in you. You know the drill, use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.

Writing for Betty.

So, today’s different. Everyone’s a writer today. We’re writing 3-lined poems. Either a haiku or just a free verse. But three lines. No more. No less.

There’s only one rule. Your lines could be long-ish or short but a line shouldn’t complete itself on the next line. They could be #Deep (rolling eyes) or flighty.

It could be about your lover, your bicycle or taking a dump. As you please… I would like you to be creative.

Try not to be like Uncle Toolsman whose poem read-

‘Roses are red,
Violets are purple.
Blue may be calm but that aint you.’

Here are some I made 11 friends write- take a cue. And if you like them, do show some love.

Alright people, get writing.

Oh mine?

Umm..

Black, Green, Purple, Blue;
The tips of her fingers.
Her colors of rebellion.

(And- Yes, I can write 2, I’m Betty!)

Give me your chest.
Scarred from war.
For my headrest.

(Yes. Yes. It might be crap, let me see yours before you judge. 😐 )

1. Tolu Talabi (@NaijaRookie)
Another rainy morning, my clothes are drenched;
My hair is a mess and my hands are cold
Like my heart.

2. Osi (@osizurunkle)
Undo that voodoo that you do so well
The one that makes you the thing on which my thoughts must dwell
Secrets I’d like to keep my eyes always tell.

3. Bankole (@banxman)
Discovering seven new colours
In your beautiful eyes
As I send you to the sky

(And because he sent me many beautiful ones, another-)

A wild cat with nine lives
That’s died eight times
Is what I am

4. Moyo (@MazeDaMouth)
This was what the old knew
What makes the young groan
Hardwork is the key, not luck

5. Ayorinde (@awizii)
Emptiness fills my heart, depression claims my soul
Worry and so much negativity is hard to control
You overpower me so much I’m hard to console, what are you?

6. Osemhen (@OsemhenA)
You say you know me, but you don’t
I know a secret, that you don’t
See, I’m going to marry you.

7. Andre (@AndreBlaze)
I slave a verse for you
Make bars about us
Appeal through music to you; my sentence.

8. Samantha (@SamanthaSiren)
Trained myself not to love;
Love exists when its found-
But not everyone’s love-bound.

9. Omotayo (@JadenTM)
Moments:
The sun will still be there
Tomorrow will not care
Let go your breath my dear

10. Oyekole (@Qurr)
Party hard on Saturday Night
Pray hard on Sunday Morning Weekend Warriors

11. Nnaemeka (@MauriceNN)
The sounds of silence
are the babbling of a brook
and an avalanche.

PS: Ok. Ok, I’ll be nice and add one of the other ones Thetoolsman sent me:

Your eyes found me guilty of the heinous crime of staring at you
Your eyes found me guilty of the unavoidable crime of noticing your beauty.
Your eyes sentenced me harshly to the lifelong duty of forever loving you. I dare not appeal.

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