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Wednesday Dialogue

If I ruled the world (PG)

Hey people. Todays post was changed last minute. I got a mail late last night from someone who simply identified himself (I think) as Riley. The subject of the mail was: If I ruled the world. What you are about to read is the content of that mail along with inputs from me, @LagosHunter and @novacrossQueen. Enjoy.

Riley.
1. Legalize gay marriage: Its simple yo, if gay marriage was legal n shit, the fuckin’ butt pirates would come outta da closets, get registered, married and shit. Once I know where the gaylord fuckers live, I’m gon send in SEAL team 6 or some other hardcore mofo’s to take ‘em all out.
2. Legalize rape: Yeah, y’all fucktards read that right. Aint no bitch gon have the right to refuse any nigga. If a nigga wanna f*ck, all he gotta do is walk on the street, pick a ho, n say “bend the f*ck over bitch”.

3. Ban f*ckin’ condoms: Condoms just get in the f*ckin way of good p*ssy. A nigga can’t feel right wen he’s upside a p*ssy with a goddamn rubber on his d*ck. So, ban condoms and make anal sex the f*ckin standard for preventing preggies.
4. Get me a harem: Aint no f*ckin way in lesbian heaven imma legalize rape without 1st rounding up 3000 of the best bitches in da fuckin world fo myself! F*ck no. Yeah, Beyonce gon be there, singing “Who run the world? Riley!” while I f*ck the shit outta her. Imma have me some Amber Rose up in there, cuz damn, that b*tch got the freshest p*ssy a nigga eyes ever did see. Damn! Yeah, Some Nicki Minaj, some Ini Edo, some Chinese acrobats for the really crazy sex shit, I could go on but u get my fucking drift yo…

5. Save the f*ckin’ world: Yeah. I got a solution for one of our biggest piss-shit problems on da planet. The Isreal-Palestine crisis. Solution? Isreal-Palestine orgy! Imma grab em all, have em blindfolded and dumped naked into a large room with all the lights off.

In Summary:
Aint no need fo no mother*ckin summary, biatches! Ya already know what it is.

Riley Out.

@LagosHunter

1. Legalize abortion in every single country

2. Ban reality TV shows and auto tune

3. Call Tiger Woods to my office, pull his left ear and whisper “Guy, you fuck up!!”

4. Make it compulsory for every church branch and mosque to own/manage at least one orphanage

5. Rename “Absolut Vodka” to “Lagoshunter Vodka”

@Thetoolsman

  1. Get scientists to work with Brazilian doctors to find a way to commercialize the ‘King Magazine Cover’ look and then make it free for all women.
  2. Contrary to what some of you might think, Keri Hilson will not be my queen, she’ll be the Queen mother of the world and all women MUST love and revere her.
  3. Every country has to incorporate an ‘anti-bitchassness’ course into their school curriculum. Of course Uncle Diddy will lecture via satellite teaching students about ‘swag’ and the seniors how to and not to take the world’s official liquor – Ciroc.
  4. Shuffle up the world map: if we had a world flag right now it would be so boring… something like white, black (with a little orange stripe) and then white. I can’t have that. So Cameroun and Quatar have to swap.  Brazil and South Africa, Canada and Iraq, Israel and Japan …
  5. On second thoughts, maybe I’ll leave Canada where it is… make it the gay capital of the world, rename it GLEE.

@novacrossQueen

1. Order the production of self cleaning vibrators  – I’m so tired of taking breaks in-between to clean shit… Unlimited self naks baby. But get your own damn batteries, Zara batteries 😀

2. Legalize gay marriage – gay people have the right to marry and be miserable too, heck if you wanna marry furniture, go right ahead. Misery loves company

3. Cables that f*cking untangle themselves!!!

4. A virgin/AIDS/herpes/whatever-else-is-transmittable-through-sex GPS tracking system, so I know who the f*ck to avoid. I’m just tryna not catch anything.

5. Legalize marijuana – I speak for everyone and their mama when I say this, this might very well lead to world peace. Also, food might become scarce due to munchies and all but who cares *shrugs*

Also, 5and a ½ – burn all the bras in the whole entire world, and burn the nigga that invented it, and burn his dog for good measure. #FreeBoobies!!!

******************

So, the question today is not-so-simple. If you had a shot at ruling the world for one day, list 5 things you’ll do. Use the comment box and speak your mind.

PS: I tried replying ‘Riley’ through the email address he used to contact me and the mail bounced.

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About thetoolsman

I mostly refer to myself as an unrepentant media addict .. Well, cause I'm mostly always hunting for information through one media channel or the other... Hit me up on twitter @thetoolsman

Discussion

148 thoughts on “If I ruled the world (PG)

  1. Yes

    Posted by adacampbell | July 13, 2011, 9:00 am
  2. 1st

    Posted by bykerboi | July 13, 2011, 9:01 am
  3. U ppl r hard sha

    Posted by bimbo | July 13, 2011, 9:01 am
  4. Haha 😮

    Posted by Alahyor | July 13, 2011, 9:01 am
  5. yay!!! 1st 3

    Posted by Amma16 | July 13, 2011, 9:02 am
  6. mscheeew d one day i tried…..

    Posted by Amma16 | July 13, 2011, 9:03 am
  7. Oh f**k mehn… Stayed awake till 3am just to come in 2nd. I no do again

    Posted by bykerboi | July 13, 2011, 9:03 am
  8. I dey beef u gan!!!!

    Posted by bykerboi | July 13, 2011, 9:05 am
  9. Top 10 thank God!!!

    Posted by Lady_corrs | July 13, 2011, 9:06 am
  10. From 4th to 6th…? I’ve suffered.

    Posted by Lady_corrs | July 13, 2011, 9:07 am
  11. Riley is a dirty boy sha. Ini edo??????? Hian!

    Posted by bimbo | July 13, 2011, 9:09 am
  12. Top 15 😦

    Posted by MsWaspy | July 13, 2011, 9:09 am
  13. Congrats! Welcome to the club
    Haters gon hate…
    so feel free to rub it in 🙂

    Posted by ShoWade | July 13, 2011, 9:13 am
  14. riley #BEST

    Posted by april | July 13, 2011, 9:15 am
  15. LOL! This Riley fellow…smh.

    If i ruled the world…i shall have that as a blog post of my own when i can write everything down.

    Posted by beforesheimplodes | July 13, 2011, 9:17 am
  16. Hahahaa…legalize rape? Keri hilson, Queen mother?? Marry furniture? LagosHunter Vodka????!!!

    Don’t lie. Y’all were high when u wrote this.

    Posted by slimsiren | July 13, 2011, 9:19 am
  17. 1. Country Music will no longer exist

    2. Girls with headaches, on their periods…..fronting babes in general should be banned from clubs

    3. The Bible According to Alicia Keys should be in every household

    4. Cockblockers should be shot on the spot, or hanged or have their balls ( or ovaries ) fried

    5. Eco-friendly people should stop telling us to save the planet. Forward all complaints to CaptainPlanet@hisisourhero.com

    Posted by ShoWade | July 13, 2011, 9:19 am
  18. A baby somewhere is wailing at the fact that I have no idea what I’d do if I ruled the world.

    Posted by Spiffy | July 13, 2011, 9:20 am
  19. Ban country music ke. Na fight be that o

    Posted by bykerboi | July 13, 2011, 9:23 am
  20. Hisss!!!….BORING!!!!…that canada thing was funny tho…GLEE!!…hahaha…oh if I did rule the world..off with the heads of anyone that actually comments “1ST” on a blog…that should put an end to it!!!….as usual…deuces!!…been a minute…I know!!!

    Posted by mr I'm out of this world | July 13, 2011, 9:24 am
  21. If I ruled the world?

    1. Legalize gay marriage
    2. Legalize weed
    3. Death penalty for rapists and child molesters
    4. Ban reality shows on MTV! I want my music back!
    That’s it! Just 4 rules!

    Posted by Deola | July 13, 2011, 9:24 am
  22. 1. Jail the nigga who invented Math!

    2. Legaize Gay Marriages. Everyone deserves to get married and suffer. Lol

    3. Get people to build a Walk in Closet which is voice activated. So you walk in
    And say what you want to wear and it falls out. Almost immediately.

    4. Get scientist to figure out Menstrual pains and make it stop plus Labour Pains.

    5. Lastly, Make Money Grow on Trees!

    That’s about it. Lool. X

    Posted by Samantha | July 13, 2011, 9:25 am
  23. lol! If I ruled d world,
    1. I’d gather all ppl on a COMPULSORY 7 day fast so God can let us return to d way things wer in d garden.
    2. I’d mk 38-28-42 become d specific dimensions & proportions for women (anything >4 points above will be renamed a ‘Whale’)
    3. I’d make @lagoshunter my personal adviser & @thetoolsman my information minister (I’ll always b d first to see his write-ups!)
    4. I’d make Igbo become ‘the language of love’.
    5. I’d truly love my job.

    Nice post toolz.

    Posted by chukyjunior | July 13, 2011, 9:25 am
  24. H

    Posted by Samantha | July 13, 2011, 9:27 am
  25. It is not surprising that RILEY started with legalizing GAY marriage…the MOFO is FUCKING GAY..LICKING UP NIGGA ASSES LIKE ITS BLUEBUNNY…..YUCK

    If I ruled d world……
    1) There would have to be “VODKA DAY”
    2) There would be a remedy for HIV n STDs…c’mon even ADAM knew wots up
    3) NEPA OHHHHH….there wud be light…God was not joking when he made that statement
    4) I would legalize WeeD..not only medicinal weed 😀
    5) There would be a “NUDE BEACH” in everystate (excluding sharia states) in Nig….and I would also kill all BOKO HARAM peops….Fucktards

    Posted by ibetapassmynebo | July 13, 2011, 9:29 am
  26. If I ruled the world:

    Susheys would be on my governing council and we’d make sure the entire population signed up for ‘yarning dust classes’.

    Famzing would be outlawed and the only way one could be friends with a celeb would be via interview.

    Dogs who cannot read would be sent to Calabar.

    Out door sex would be legalised but only after obtaining a permit (for not so obvious reasons PDA would be an offence).

    A lack of a sense of humour would be tantamount to mental instability.

    Posted by griffinthinks | July 13, 2011, 9:30 am
  27. that shit sucks ass!!! 😛

    Faith Hill can still get it tho

    Posted by ShoWade | July 13, 2011, 9:33 am
  28. 🙂 🙂 🙂

    Posted by thetoolsman | July 13, 2011, 9:33 am
  29. 1. Jail the Nigga who invented Math.!

    2. Legalize Gat Marriages. Everyone deserves to get married
    And be unhappy. Lol

    3. Invent a walk in Closet that’s voice commanding. I.e if you want
    Someting to wear, justtalk to you closet and say what you want
    And it falls out. Life would be soo much easier.

    4. Get some scientists to research on Menstrual pain, and Labour pains
    Sn figure out a way to cure it. Shit kills!

    5. Make money Grow on trees 😀

    Posted by Samantha | July 13, 2011, 9:34 am
  30. I love the Lagoshunter church and mosque thing. They should own a school or an orphanage or something. And then a farm. Abeg, I don’t want to rule the world. Too many Rileys in it.

    Posted by highlandblue | July 13, 2011, 9:34 am
  31. If I ruled the world….
    I’m gonna cancel visas so anybody can travel to any country they want.

    Posted by Mobanks | July 13, 2011, 9:34 am
  32. Yeah.. been a minute.. just one thing tho? camman..

    Posted by thetoolsman | July 13, 2011, 9:34 am
  33. Igbo? language of love? buhahahaha…

    Posted by thetoolsman | July 13, 2011, 9:35 am
  34. hahahahahahahab @ like its bluebunny lol

    dem go sack me for here ooo

    Posted by ShoWade | July 13, 2011, 9:36 am
  35. Lmao!Riley’s gone over the edge!
    So here’s my own list of things I’d do if I ruled the world:

    1. I would make it compulsory for every person to drink vodka.(Why would anyone not like vodka?the mention of the name alone makes me thirsty)

    2. I would make castration of men who prove to be assholes very legal. Infact,it would be a UN resolution.

    3. Crappy music artistes would be relocated to Uranus where they can sing and freeze!

    4. I would make sure everyone finds their exact calling so people like toolsman won’t be working in banks instead of writing(maybe create a device that reads babies’ minds when they’re still in the womb)

    5. Giving to the needy would be a law!and breaking it would be a felony.

    Posted by georgeenah | July 13, 2011, 9:37 am
  36. 1. Kim Kardashian’s bum will be the Standard bum for girls all over the world. In short, her body.

    2. When you fart in a public place, blue smoke will rise from your troziz….#DeathToThoseThatFartInChurch

    3. Women will be allowed to marry more than one husband. And hsve them all in the same house, at the same time. The perfect man is a combination of different men.

    4. I will establish a Ministry, (Jonathaan Goodluck style) to communicate with Heaven so we can know exactly when Jesus is coming. Man must prepare.

    5. Mathematics would be taken out of the curriculum.

    Posted by TosTos | July 13, 2011, 9:38 am
  37. 1. Make sure the Northern part of Nigeria have their own part of the world which would be divided from other parts by large masses of water or fire arms. (Yes, I don’t like them very much)

    2. Make Brazillian Hair Illegal.

    3. Make Religious fanatics stop forcing their beliefs on people and acknowledge that their religion is not more superior than others.

    4. Make Churches do much more for Charity. At this rate, if all the churches in Nigeria get working, there won’t be any more church rats.

    5. Stop child Abuse(selling wares/flogging/spanking etc).

    Posted by Lady_corrs | July 13, 2011, 9:38 am
  38. i’m sha top 40

    Posted by FOXY | July 13, 2011, 9:49 am
  39. Ok, here’s my five:

    1. Free sybians for all women. Do you know how miserable some women in my office are? Stressing someborri’s life due to lack of orgasms.

    2. Self-covering DSTV dish that protects itself in the rain. Don’t fucking interrupt my big brother in the middle of a cat fight.

    3. Death by hanging penalty for all boyfriend/husband snatchers. Shit irritates me. Cheat with respect if you must but don’t snatch what another woman has invested in.

    4. Trey Songs

    5. Ban MTN, Zain and all Nigerian mobile operators. Bring O2 or AT&T or something that works.

    Posted by adacampbell | July 13, 2011, 9:49 am
  40. GBAM….Master Sushey agrees

    Posted by skilobo | July 13, 2011, 9:50 am
  41. If I ruled the world;

    1- There will be mobile markets selling Ice-on-the-run during traffic, and the official world dessert would be ice-cubes.

    2- Keri hilson = OUT. I don’t want to see her face or hear her voice. And Rihanna would stip singing and start modelling. Nude.

    3- Gather all AIDS patients and burn them at stake. STD carriers could be qurantined.

    4- More ice.

    5- You have to know at least 5 Michael Jackson songs/ moves to graduate from high school.

    Posted by slimsiren | July 13, 2011, 9:51 am
  42. Its not only Keri Hilson or Alicia Keys that’ll become Queen Mother, ChiGurl nko? And yes, Igbo should be the official Language of love. Making Vibrators and condoms free won’t be such a bad idea.

    Posted by Lady_corrs | July 13, 2011, 9:55 am
  43. If I ruled, the world would be one huge orgy with everyone alternately banging everyone in the ass, vjay, tongue, ear, nostril…heck stick it anywhere you can….

    also, all guys that last less than 2 minutes should have their dicks sawed off and used to screw horses’ butts.

    Posted by DOMINATRIX | July 13, 2011, 9:58 am
  44. 1) Make men b d ones to get pregnant 2)an injection to stop kids under 20 from having sexual urges 3)icecream n chocol8 will b healthy n nutritious. 4)injections won’t hurt. 5)money wd grow on trees

    Posted by kunbillionaire | July 13, 2011, 9:59 am
  45. if I ruled the world:

    1.I’ll put an End To The Glamorization Of Negativity In The Media

    2.Put An End To Status Symbols Dictating Our Worth As Individuals

    3. Put In Place A Meaningful And Universal Education System(instead of boko haram..we’ll have boko dole)

    4. I’ll Ensure Substance In The Place Of Popularity

    5.Make Everyone Think Their Own Thoughts..(Making Less Room For Peer Pressure)..that means not everyone will be addicited to lagos hunter vodka…hahaha…

    That’s the LASERS Manifesto

    Get with it

    Posted by @KingIfoXIV | July 13, 2011, 9:59 am
  46. Hmmm…if I ruled the world…

    1. I’ll lock Riley up in a Russian jail so he can get it in the ass from big mofo’s (buahahaha…that’d be crazy!!!)

    2. I’ll legalize polygamy…one woman can’t do the job alone

    3. All homos would be placed in compulsory psychological therapy…plus may have to bomb Bangkok…ur not sure who’s a man or woman anymore! 😮

    4. Milla Jovovich, Jada Fire amongst some others become all mine…mine to devour and rout… :d

    5. I’ll ensure there’s justice for every man and woman and chlid!

    t in the ass from big mofo’s (buahahaha…that’d be crazy!!!)

    2. I’ll legalize polygamy…one woman can’t do the job alone

    3. All homos would be placed in compulsory psychological therapy…plus may have to bomb Bangkok…ur not sure who’s a man or woman anymore! 😮

    4. Milla Jovovich, Jada Fire amongst some others become all mine…mine to devour and rout… :d

    5. I’ll ensure there’s justice for every man and woman and chlid!

    Posted by naijaninja101 | July 13, 2011, 10:01 am
  47. Thanks Thanks Thanks. 🙂

    Posted by adacampbell | July 13, 2011, 10:02 am
  48. This Riley fellow tho. Well if I ruled the world,

    1.Make a prison solely for Nigerian directors that produce movies like BB babes,Ben 10 n d likes.

    2.Find a way to put an end to these Boko-Haram mofo’s.

    3.Beat the gayness out of Adam Lambert.

    4.Put an end to Glo,Mtn and the other fakeass networks in this country. Make my own network and have the baddest geeks working on it.(Still can’t find a badass name for it)

    5.Legalize weed mehn.

    Posted by Mz.T | July 13, 2011, 10:07 am
  49. 1. Shoot every good looking hunk going down the gay lane…leave that for the ugly, ‘penially’ challenged guys.

    2. Develop a remote control for my menses

    3. Make all guys go naked so we know their size prior to any P setting.

    4. Burn all bras….

    5. Put Beyonce in a blender and make an energy drink outta her.

    Posted by no1chick | July 13, 2011, 10:07 am
  50. Hmmm…I’m starting to think this Riley idiot is not just one person. I’ve noticed so many inconsistencies in his tone and opinion, the only constant is foul language.

    @Zara: I like the way you think 🙂

    @Toolsman: Keri Hilson (Y)

    @LagosHunter: I’m getting you.

    Anyway…

    If I ruled the world?

    1. I’d ban same-race relationships/marriages. Everyone must marry from another race. In a few generations, we’ll all be so mixed that we’ll be one race.

    2.Vodka rivers, waterfalls, lakes, streams, Fountains, rain…You get where I’m going with this?

    3.Doctors would be paid more than actors, footballers or any other celebrity work.

    4. Ban Football/Soccer or whatever you people call it these days.

    5. Invest heavily in space travel. I really need to know if there’s life outside this planet.

    Posted by ThinkTank | July 13, 2011, 10:10 am
  51. If i ruled the world… i’d:
    1. Allow only three workdays a week.
    2. Demand that we have redwine flowing outta taps, so you can chose… water or redwine.
    3. Quarantine everyone with mouth/body odour… they can stink together.
    4. Ban lace-front wigs.
    5. Make asking obvious questions a punishable offence.

    Posted by Simmylala | July 13, 2011, 10:11 am
  52. #Vodka #Vodka #Vodka #Vodka #Vodka #Vodka #Vodka #Vodka #Vodka

    Posted by Lady_corrs | July 13, 2011, 10:15 am
  53. Lol!!!if i ruled the world, i’d…

    i) Marry that guy that acted as THOR…. i want that 6’5″ TDF Australian all to myself..

    2) Send Lady Gaga to Kiri Kiri Prison

    3) health care, plastic surgeries, Liposuction, Breast implants… watever you want wud b free for all! we all deserve to live life to the fullest and feel beautiful

    4) all Bulimic and anorexic people will b stoned to death! u call that a disease??? retards! your tryna kill ur self in anycase so we’ll help u out!

    5) Make “Party Rock Anthem” by LMFAO the official Anthem! “EVERYDAY AM SHUFFLING”

    Posted by StandupChic | July 13, 2011, 10:17 am
  54. Also ban women with hairy legs from public places. Shave or cover those legs.

    Posted by adacampbell | July 13, 2011, 10:28 am
  55. If I ruled this Wor_d #WithAnL

    1.The official way of greeting will be changed to Kissing…on the lips, full tongued and salivary exchange!

    2.Nigeria will be BANNED from producing musicians! Sue me!!! Ok..just 2face allowed…our ladies still need to get preggers!

    3.Death to chics with ‘all fake everything!’ Melt all them plastic in a fire

    4.Exile the TweetOracle nigga to the sahara…

    5.Get all y’all to follow without having to create a facking drama series on twitter and yeah…for the enemies, in d words of Durella..”I’m living my _ife” #withAnL

    In summary

    *wrong Line again*

    Posted by keLvin | July 13, 2011, 10:28 am
  56. LOL!!!!!! OMDaaaaaaayyyyzzzzz!!!!!
    I’m with everything LagosHunter said. Toolsman, you are unweell for No.5. @Nav, I’m with you on the bra ish. But, also, the she’s should be gathered and ut in separate jars. Then the jars should be buried under 100 pounds of concrete!

    If I Ruled the world
    1. It would be mandatory to have sex no less than 3 times daily.
    2. Vexing over who is straffing whom would be punishable by law.
    3. Everyone would get a carton of Loackers and Ribena every month 😀 (I, of course, would have a lifetime’s supply)
    4. Free Boobies!!!!! Free Ass!!! In fact, clothes/underwear would be optional.
    5. I would be in charge of income distribution. Everyone gets the exact same amount weekly/monthly/yearly. What you do with it is up to you.

    As you can see, I’m focused on world peace 🙂

    Posted by cecenostockings | July 13, 2011, 10:32 am
  57. 1. Have weed in pill form ( don’t have to smoke for and hour to get the high I need)
    2. Move all religious houses to mars (they r the cause of 80% of our problems)
    3. Ban trousers and shoes…make shorts and flipflops official gear
    4. Booze would be free (not paraga n co…that shit is like free anyway at 20bucks a high
    5. Toolsmans blog shall be mine

    Posted by DL | July 13, 2011, 10:36 am
  58. I totally agree on the lack of humour bit. Hahahaha.

    Posted by krimmedic | July 13, 2011, 10:39 am
  59. @ thinktank I ve missed u….am not liking this hiatus 😦

    Posted by ibetapassmynebo | July 13, 2011, 10:45 am
  60. Gay marriages? Rily????? And so begins d end of Nigerian standards

    Posted by some girl | July 13, 2011, 11:05 am
  61. @Tos Tos,I love the blue smoke fart idea!
    @ThinkTank,God bless you big! Doctors should be paid higher,we suffer too much. 🙂

    If I ruled the world:
    1. Pain would mean not gettin ur fave icecream. Too much sufferin in this world.
    2. Churches,Mosques nd all religious institutes wld have padded walls! Stop disturbing us with ur noise!
    3. Sarcasm,Wit,Streetsense,Manners would be taught in schools.
    4. Emeka Ike,Lady Gaga,nd some other irritants would not exist.
    5. Impersonation,tweetjacking,Statustheft nd all else that falls within this catergory would be a crime punishable by hanging! I mean c’mon!! Think!!

    Posted by krimmedic | July 13, 2011, 11:06 am
  62. Oh, one last thing.

    If I ruled the world, I’ll make Riley female.

    Posted by slimsiren | July 13, 2011, 11:10 am
  63. this could just be me,but that dont sound like the Riley i know (or i think i know)…..

    Posted by Cedr | July 13, 2011, 11:13 am
  64. Yáll are just crazy, i’ve been giggling and laughing to myself all tru…now dis visitor in my office probably thinks I’m crazy too 😦

    Posted by ifeelyou | July 13, 2011, 11:14 am
  65. If I ruled the world

    1) I would remove the death penalty. Some ppl don’t deserve to just die, they deserve much worse. I’m thinking severe long term torture till eventually u give up/confess n then die.

    2) I’ll fix our educational/health sector

    3) Errrr *scrolling up* cnt fink of more.

    Posted by zany | July 13, 2011, 11:15 am
  66. @Zara and @ThinkTank, I’m sooo getting you..
    So, if I ran this planet;
    1. I’d massacre all those expired sleezbags calling themselves politicians, and make it compulsory that Nigeria has potently efficient snipers at my beck and call..
    2. I’d make ice cream second, only to water. Juices, wines, whatever,can only come AFTER ice cream.. 🙂
    3. I’d have abusive husbands and fathers (or mothers), lacerated from their armpits, down to behind their knees, and dump them all in a room with Sulfuric fumes instead of oxygen to inhale. I’d enjoy their death.
    4. I’m with Slim on that Michael Jackson issh.. That’s how yesterday, someone was asking who Frank Sinatra was.. smh.. Yea, to go froward in life, you must know MJ..
    5. I’m with ThinkTank too.. I wanna go to space.. More than anything. So yea, if I ran the world, I’d go on every mission and have Jupiter as my fav vacation spot. 😀

    Posted by jael | July 13, 2011, 11:21 am
  67. Am with novacrossqueen on free condoms,vibrators and free boobie DEATH TO BRAS.
    I’ll cease menstruation of every female till their ready to reproduce
    Everybody must be a rock fan 😀
    Make sure there’ll be no need 4 cash if u can convince whoever u need whatever fine.
    Stop any form of jealousy especially in girls
    Make starch and fresh fish banga soup d official food of d world

    Posted by audrey | July 13, 2011, 11:25 am
  68. If I ruled the world:

    1)All ‘odour-ful’ people would be soaked/have their mouths washed 3 times a day with Jik,Izal and Omo.If there’s no improvement,they shall be shipped off to pluto in an airtight container
    2)Lady Gaga will be taken for deliverance @ MFM
    3)People who type stupidly e.g spell ‘better’ as ‘beita’ shall be sentenced to death by the guillotine
    4)People who gbagaun on the regular both in speech and writing shall have their mouths sealed with a nail gun and their hands amputated
    5)Fanta will replace water!!! We shall even shower in Fanta!!!

    Posted by Jennyphar | July 13, 2011, 11:32 am
  69. Lmfao!!!! If I ruled the world…

    1) Broadcast message senders will be traced by the FBI and scores of Fire Ants stuffed up their buttholes.

    2) Alomo would flow from Showers and Public dispensers.

    3) R.kelly, Usher, Adele, Brandy, Chris Brown and Boyz2men must be made Professors in Ivy league institutions. They are to teach R n B.

    4) A device which locates one’s perfect fantasy, sets P with said fantasy, and unites the P setter and Settee. 😉

    5) I’d own a small spaceship :-p … Not asking for much eh? ¯\..(•͡.̮ •͡ )../¯

    Posted by Genesis | July 13, 2011, 11:39 am
  70. Oh… And one more thing… If you can’t dougie, you will NOT eat. Peace. *dougies to Ankpa*

    Posted by Genesis | July 13, 2011, 11:46 am
  71. if i ruled the world:

    1. i’d make everyone a Man U fan. 😀

    2. i’d make sure everyone uses renewable energy. these fossil fuels are #dead

    3. NO MORE HUNGER.

    4. Anyone that wastes water, gets a mild electric shock.

    5. we would use less cars…

    Posted by Joachim MacEbong | July 13, 2011, 11:53 am
  72. If I ruled the world:

    1. No protests. Under my government, there will be no assembly, peaceful or otherwise:

    2. No more police. Police officers will be replaced with a strike force with the ability to tap into your phone conversations, spy on your Internet connection, arrest you for no reason or any reason at all, and interrogate you behind closed doors during secret hearings.

    3. Vampire hunting will be a government sanctioned profession.

    4. Phil Collins will be banned. Anyone found even humming a Phil Collins tune will be teerminated.

    5. Wizkid will compose and sing the new world anthem and everyone MUST learn to sing it in an auto-tunish tone.

    Posted by SlevinCalevra | July 13, 2011, 11:54 am
  73. LOL…what about Trey Songz tho?

    I like this list so far….especially no1! Death to angry women!

    Posted by beforesheimplodes | July 13, 2011, 12:01 pm
  74. Its Chaos in here! Lmao! Been laughing all day.

    Posted by Chicasa | July 13, 2011, 12:15 pm
  75. I totally agree with the death penalty thingy…death is the easy way out for some sickos…lol!

    Posted by funsho | July 13, 2011, 12:15 pm
  76. STARCH AND FRESH FISH BANGA SOUP… I’m feeling you. I’m getting you. I’m tasting you. I’m hungry 😦

    Posted by ThinkTank! | July 13, 2011, 12:15 pm
  77. Hmmmmn…*slots in Nas n Lauryn Hills collabo n presses play*

    1. Japanese would be the official language of the movie world. Anytbody who complains will be executed by Ninjas n Samurai.
    2. Zobo would be the official drink of the world. Of course only I would own the license for production and distribution.
    3. Everybody in one way or another related to the production and distribution of Nollywood movies will be subjected to the most extreme techniques of Ancient Chinese torture.
    4. All Twitters serial sub dealers, twitfight instigators, n hate bloggers will be locked in a box n sent to the Mariana Trench.
    5. Like ThinkTank n some others said…I will explore the final frontier to end my term in office…hehehehe
    Darrizal *drops mic n picks up his bottle of shilled Zobo Imperial Ultimate while nodding rhythmically to the music*

    Posted by musingsofagidimallam | July 13, 2011, 12:15 pm
  78. You were supposed to join me tho 😦

    Posted by ThinkTank! | July 13, 2011, 12:28 pm
  79. 1. Legalize Weed
    2. Wife/women batterers, rapists and child molesters will be shot on sight
    3. Make weekends start early (like on thursdays)
    4. Ban child marriages
    5. Death to bras everywhere!
    @Riely…sweetie, u clearly have issues.

    Posted by Cleo | July 13, 2011, 12:32 pm
  80. If I ruled d world …
    1) Adele,Justin Bieber,Soulja Boy, Gucci Mane, Lady Gaga and Lil B wuld be make to choke on their own blood 🙂 (I don’t gives 2 fucks).

    2) Sex will be at the man’s own discretion in every relationship.(Woman honour thy husband).

    3) Emeka Ike and Oge Okoye will have their tongues and knee caps removed and a hole will be drilled at the bottom of their spinal cord..

    4) Free alcoholic products ‎​Ƒσя everyone … ( ‎​Ƒσя happiness)…

    5) Jail all corrupt politicians !!!!

    Peace

    Posted by rozAy | July 13, 2011, 12:38 pm
  81. Oh wow!… This is so damn hilarious! Made my morning.. Well, if I ruled the world,
    1. Flies of all sorts will be locked up in a room and gay guys will be sent there.(Totally hate dem, waste of fyn boy)
    2. Cookies,chocolates and icecream will be available on flowers. No tym for processes
    3.All igbo guys will be sent to china, and all items will be ‘made in china’ 😀
    4. Sex will be banned! Yes! Look at any man/woman lustfully and die! :-p
    5. Everyone will have d licence to carry AK 47 around.. No arguments, no plenty yarns, just shoot somebody.

    Hehehe… Just blabbed!

    Posted by Nikkibrity | July 13, 2011, 12:42 pm
  82. Gbam

    Posted by Towsyn | July 13, 2011, 1:10 pm
  83. How about we can all eat and we won’t get fat…u guys have lost focus..*crying and sucking thumb*

    Posted by iamsamsie | July 13, 2011, 1:10 pm
  84. Lmao….crazy pple here!

    my favs so far…
    **Make all guys go naked so we know their size prior to any P setting. (if they can tell boob size, we shld be able to tell theirs too)
    **When you fart in a public place, blue smoke will rise from your troziz….#DeathToThoseThatFartInChurch …LOL!!
    **Allow only three workdays a week….TOTALLY

    if i ruled the world i’d;

    1. Make every woman have an orgasm whenever they have sex…..happy women = no mean-bitch female boss!

    2. Make men menstrate and get pregnant too 😀 …Experience it…..y’all complain abt a woman on her period too much!!!!

    3. Get a chance to ask ‘Adam & Eve….”BUT WHY????!!”…we all shld be in some garden eating fruits, talking to animals and NO HARD WORK ……but for your F-up.

    4. Winter in Naija.

    5. World peace, everyone is rich and equal.

    Posted by anita | July 13, 2011, 1:18 pm
  85. No 4 should read *All Twitter’s…

    Posted by musingsofagidimallam | July 13, 2011, 1:19 pm
  86. Riley aint Gay, nigga be straight as a motherfucker… i honestly do support his arse on that legalizeing gay marriage then sending up some gangsta arse SEALS to put out the motherfuckers…. that way aint gone be no gay mofos left…. Though id be partial.. only gay would be shot, lesbians would be left alone

    Posted by @ΣΓΤ | July 13, 2011, 1:47 pm
  87. You Sir,try too hard.
    Its fun being a critic and all yh,but u’r just too lame.
    Chai!

    Posted by krimmedic | July 13, 2011, 1:48 pm
  88. hahaha energy drink out of beyonce? how would that taste? remote control for menses? hahahaha

    Posted by @ΣΓΤ | July 13, 2011, 1:54 pm
  89. dont call Riley an idiot, dont dont dont! *cocks gun*

    Posted by ΣΓΤ | July 13, 2011, 1:56 pm
  90. Like seriously?? Waoh!

    Posted by kayshawy | July 13, 2011, 1:56 pm
  91. Haha! All funny. Riley is quite the character. I’d probably legalize gay marriage and outlaw free will so I can have complete control of every human being alive.

    Posted by Mabooboo | July 13, 2011, 2:03 pm
  92. If I ruled d world…
    Flavour,cabo snoop n fally ipupa will compose d national anthem
    Evry1 will be allowed to wear anything anytime and anywhere especially their BIRTHDAY SUIT.
    Medicinal drugs will be banned jst say the word and ur health is restored
    Girls will not be born with hymen
    Lacasera will flow in taps n will be in wells too so our rural peeps won’t be left out.
    Sori lastly any1 dt adds TINZ to evrything dey say such as sleep tins work tins etc will be sentenced to watchin tonto dike n jim iykes movies until they kill demselves

    Posted by solstice | July 13, 2011, 2:15 pm
  93. Jeez. Apparently if pple had a chance the world would just be one big orgy. Chai. Lmao at *make Riley female* won’t that be grand. And yes nigerian musicians would be banned abeg. Yes oh chocolate wud be healthy. Doctors wud defnitely be payed higher.
    @toolsman, really glee? Hahahaha.

    Posted by thatssodamie | July 13, 2011, 2:21 pm
  94. #COSIGN on number 3 jor…it’s very necessary…:)

    Posted by XTRA | July 13, 2011, 2:23 pm
  95. I’m surprised the Preying Mantis hasn’t perched here yet to correct some grammar or just generally be its irritating self.

    Lmao at the comments. Nice

    Posted by TweetFight | July 13, 2011, 2:34 pm
  96. @tweetfight: Not to be the devil’s advocate here, I’d say that sometimes the preying mantis makes sense however crude it may be.

    Now if I could rule the world: I’d emancipate Africa from the shackles of poverty, selfishness and greed. This alone would occupy my time so I won’t have time for the other 4

    Posted by ThePriest | July 13, 2011, 2:40 pm
  97. Mr. Tools. I actually do not like today’s post. If I ruled the world, I’d make you stand in the sun for hours (or something) and as for Riley, I’d find him in whatever corner of the world he’s hiding, and have him flogged.

    Yeah so, its a good thing that I do not rule the world.

    Posted by Yass | July 13, 2011, 2:47 pm
  98. I love Phil Collins 😦

    Posted by Jasmine | July 13, 2011, 2:53 pm
  99. @tweetfight: Nice to meet you.. maybe we could get together later so I can show you my 5 point agenda? And yes I’m loving the comments here today. #TeamToolsman

    Posted by PreyingMantis | July 13, 2011, 2:55 pm
  100. HOLD UP
    did u just diss Canada?????
    id be back with my legion
    we are taking this blog down for that crime

    Posted by BBB | July 13, 2011, 2:57 pm
  101. #cosign. BIG FAT #GBAM!

    Posted by SlevinCalevra | July 13, 2011, 3:02 pm
  102. 1.Chop off small dicks
    2.Make sure atleast 2g of weed aa day is a requirement 4 existence
    3.Erase d school of thought dat a girl dt sleeps with more than 5 guys is a hoe,just so I can have moreee sex
    4.Make cars that work with water
    5.Make every STI/STD carrier wear a 4kin badge!!

    Posted by bee | July 13, 2011, 3:09 pm
  103. Lmao!!!!!!how do u guys think of all these things!!!!

    Posted by miz bee | July 13, 2011, 3:11 pm
  104. Geez can’t ppl be more original and creative? One person mentions sex, alcohol and weed & everyone’s bucket list is full of the same thing. And you wonder where alaba pirates started from, from this blog. BORING

    Posted by Mandingo | July 13, 2011, 3:12 pm
  105. picks mic, “NUDE BEACH” seconded by me….

    Posted by JPurkin | July 13, 2011, 3:27 pm
  106. One of my fav rock songs would be the world anthem ( haven’t decided yet)
    Exterminate the Asian continent and keep the gurus
    move the unendowed females to a separate continent maybe russia and make a naked day holiday in the endowed places
    free food and no restrictions to travel anywhere
    ban all forms of marriage… too many broken homes no need for twisted kids n ish we got enough already!!!

    Posted by OYE | July 13, 2011, 3:51 pm
  107. Igbo = language of love (y)

    Posted by cecenostockings | July 13, 2011, 4:30 pm
  108. Has it occured to you that maybe a lot of us prefer vodka to whatever it is you drink thats got you grouchy?

    Posted by Georgeenah | July 13, 2011, 4:40 pm
  109. People here don’t know how lonely I get as an insect. You ignore me and now my other profiles too? I think I need to change my ways.

    Posted by PreyingMantis | July 13, 2011, 4:45 pm
  110. err.. 😦

    Posted by thetoolsman | July 13, 2011, 5:34 pm
  111. Lol! Toolsman, what’s your issue with Canada though?

    Posted by BOOK-EY | July 13, 2011, 5:42 pm
  112. Lmao! WTF! Toolsman, you’re editing my comments? Fucking hilarious! Limp dick

    Posted by PreyingMantis | July 13, 2011, 5:45 pm
  113. As in seriously…

    Posted by bykerboi | July 13, 2011, 5:46 pm
  114. The bloody Mantis has lost it. And to think I thought you had some balls.

    Posted by Mandingo | July 13, 2011, 5:55 pm
  115. I’m with you on that BBB! How dare you Toolsman, such audacity….

    Posted by BOOK-EY | July 13, 2011, 5:56 pm
  116. Hold on, Tweetfight = PreyingMantis = Mandingo = THEPRIEST? .. Dude, seriously? you’re that much of a Stan.. I mean, fan?

    Posted by thetoolsman | July 13, 2011, 6:01 pm
  117. Just Vodka Day, I would have a Vodka month, vodka has been a very good friend to all and it would accept new friends too.

    Posted by taiofierce | July 13, 2011, 6:10 pm
  118. Hahahahahahaha! Dude seriously stop. Ever considered comedy?

    Posted by PreyingMantis | July 13, 2011, 6:14 pm
  119. I should ask you, you’re the one cracking me up.

    Posted by thetoolsman | July 13, 2011, 6:18 pm
  120. You forgot to add ‘Riley’. You give me way too much credit man

    Posted by PreyingMantis | July 13, 2011, 6:23 pm
  121. Riley? hahahahah… You wish?

    Posted by thetoolsman | July 13, 2011, 6:28 pm
  122. Okay hold up…first a couterfeit Riley sending Tula emails…now PreyingMantis is being civil with Tula…is d world coming to an end? Or did the flood really change things that much…hmmmn…I wonder

    Posted by musingsofagidimallam | July 13, 2011, 7:43 pm
  123. Lmlao!!!wtf!
    So 1st off gay guys wud b castrated yup! Since they wnt to waste lets waste dm finish nonsense. Lesbians hweva v deir uses a lil menage a trois menage a vingt neva hurt nobody!
    2.people hu dnt gv odas a chance to prove dy r wrng bout dm shud b electrocuted dn hanged! @lady_corrs 4 exampl try n get ur igbo goons dat flood d markets ov northern nigeria bk ta eastern nigeria btw i dnt lyk igbo ppl buh i respct d fact dat deir hardworkin and fab home makers moreso my bstfrnd is an igbo geh!!
    3.put yahoo yahoo in sch curriculums… I gaz to learn dat thng ah ahn!
    4.boko haram memberz would al die a very very slow death.m thinkin putn dem in a waterfilledtank with black scorpions first then putting the tank on fire.
    5.dat math guy…!! Yup he’s definitly a guy!

    Posted by Bunny | July 13, 2011, 8:11 pm
  124. everyone seems to mention something about sex in the list of things they would do. just goes on to prove that no matter how modest and self righteous we all pretend to be, human beings are a horny lot…

    Posted by bykerboi | July 13, 2011, 8:13 pm
  125. You BITCH!!!@ No1!

    Posted by pickles | July 13, 2011, 9:45 pm
  126. if i ruled the world… i’d make @riley Secretary of State and @noivacrossqueen Minister of ‘Education’…. yes ‘education’ 😀 ….
    i’d also make the entire world embrace neo-communism á la China….

    Posted by 'il Cicero' | July 13, 2011, 10:20 pm
  127. i totally agree with No. 1.. esp for those who can’t afford to get the real thing

    Posted by 'il Cicero' | July 13, 2011, 10:45 pm
  128. @Pickles Relax there.

    Posted by Lady_corrs | July 13, 2011, 11:02 pm
  129. Ooh ooh and @Bunny, sadly I’m not Igbo. My statement on Chi-Gurl was supposed to be sarcastic but clearly, you are a dim-witted twerp so you can’t even realise that. The Northerners are backward in character and reasoning and I won’t be surprised if you aren’t one. Yes, I said it. Bite Me!!

    Posted by Lady_corrs | July 13, 2011, 11:08 pm
  130. Why all the gay hate tho!!
    Renaming Canada to Glee….that was just epic!!

    What I will do….
    1. I will put an END to Menstrual cramps….better still, Menstrual periods…
    2. DEATH TO THE PERSON THAT MADE SCHOOL….who does that..
    3. I have Nothing against the homosexuals….they will just be in one hemisphere\
    4. Everybody must have the French accent…too sexy mehn!
    Hmm…what next…
    5. o well…im done

    Posted by kemmiiii | July 13, 2011, 11:27 pm
  131. 1. VODKA ll be the official drink of the world…infact it must be taken daily
    2. Eliminate all muslim countries n boko haram
    3. Make IGBO the official language of the world
    4.CALABAR ll be the world headquarters
    5. SEND TUNDE EDNUT TO THE UNDERWORLD WHERE HE LL BE EMERGED INTO A DRUM FULL OF SOLDIER ANTS ON A DAILY BASIS UNTIL HE FORGETS THE WORD MUSIC IN HIS LIFE….

    Posted by creative minds | July 14, 2011, 6:07 am
  132. #1: I’d kill a certain person named ‘Victor’, #2 I’d kill his family too #3 I’d kill people with crossed-eyes, uncross ur eyes or die. #4 there shall be a course called ‘how to please a woman’s body: all men 15yrs+ must attend. And finally anyone hu cheats (male/female) will immediately catch fire and burn to death. —– courtesy: #TeamWitches: Mushin-Olosha branch 😀

    Posted by Lucrezia @Mizz_starzz | July 14, 2011, 8:30 am
  133. Nice post

    Posted by joel128256 | July 14, 2011, 8:58 am
  134. Very sad indeed! 😦

    Posted by kayshawy | July 14, 2011, 9:12 am
  135. Starch and Banga tho….dats the ish!!!

    Posted by kayshawy | July 14, 2011, 9:13 am
  136. #COFREAKINGSIGN!!!!

    Posted by kayshawy | July 14, 2011, 9:17 am
  137. #1. I would hang all terrorists by the balls, later squash ’em, chop em up to pieces, behead ’em and burn ’em at the stakes #heartless muthafuckas.
    #2. I would kill all past and present leaders of Nigeria amd declare PDP a terrorist organization #revolution baby
    #3. Replace oestrogen n progesterone wiv testosterone in women yl maintaining their features 😉 Damn! They’ve got plenty issues lyk it’s my fault #na me do u?
    #4. Provide electricity in 9ja and get d whities to make smooth roads so that I can write in a car. Acid bath to all that stand in my way #it’s high time
    #5. Ensure #1-#5 are fully implemented or else special delicacies to crocodiles and lions. U knw what I mean, ryt? #waa gba

    Posted by freefinker | July 14, 2011, 10:09 am
  138. I didn’t….a lot of people didn’t either.

    Posted by krimmedic | July 14, 2011, 12:25 pm
  139. @lady_corrs. Dat should definitely shut me up.
    My sincere apologies to you.
    And i am a northerner.

    Posted by Bunny | July 14, 2011, 4:20 pm
  140. 1. Dicks!
    2. Boooooobs!
    3. Banky as my personal toto shiner
    4. Money!
    5. More boobs jare!

    Posted by boooooobs! | July 14, 2011, 5:19 pm
  141. nice. aiming for top 10.

    Posted by KK | July 15, 2011, 7:54 am
  142. But why are people stealing usernames though??? I confuse.

    Riley is most definitely mentally unstable.

    Posted by Mz. T (The REAL one) | July 15, 2011, 2:43 pm
  143. If i rule the world,the following will b inevitable.

    #1. Scrap all religious bodies, sects,& have one standard unified mode of comunication wit our creator. Sacrificing Corrupt politicians 1 by 1.

    #2. Amber rose,Nicki Minyash, beyonce, jadaFire & kim kardashian will be my slaves & they will all work tirelessly in my vineyard.

    #3. All militant groups worldwide (boko,MeND,taliban, etc) will be invited for a conference on a ship called The Titanic 1st class & history will be made to repeat it self again.

    #4. Death to all gays,yes all of Ʊ. Lesbians & Shemales are free to hangaround.

    #5. Instead of milo, Alcoholic beverage will be the food drink for future champions to be served @ work,class,meeting & religious gathering (sumtyms d sripture is jst too much to handle wit a clear mind)

    Posted by bossikeh | July 15, 2011, 6:21 pm
  144. If i was to rule the world, 1st tins 1st,
    #1, scrap all churches,mosques,shrines, & all religious bodies. The world will have a unified standard of communicating with our creator, By burning the bodies of corrupt politicians on a cross, call it burnt offering.

    #2. The penalty for being Gay will be a naked bumgy jump from the Burj khalifa suspended by a thread. Lesbians & shemales are allowed to hangaround so long as they perform @ our weekly worldwide carnival.

    #3.Amber rose,Nicki Minyansh,Kim kardashian & Jada Fire will all be my Slaves while Alicia keys will be my queen in my castle & all female visitors will kiss the tip of my dick as a sign of greeting (sum freaky shit).

    #4. All militant groups worldwide will be made to form a universal body under the Name ;DTP (disturbing Tha Peace) & they will b inivted for a universal conference on a ship called TiTanIc or Airplane Called SoSoliso & history will b ordered to repeat it self.

    #5. Football will be the only acceptable sport shown on TV & players will be so cheap,so that clubs like Eyimba FC can sign MeSSI without jahbless saying Joooor oh.

    Posted by bossikeh | July 15, 2011, 6:38 pm
  145. Mehn if all this could happen, earth would be more fun, but we sure would turn to salt in a few hours…lol.

    Posted by suwaYne | August 20, 2011, 4:26 pm
  146. Hello everybody, here every one is sharing these kinds of experience, so it’s pleasant to read this web site, and I used to pay a visit this webpage everyday.

    Posted by Louis Vuitton Outlet | May 3, 2013, 1:56 am

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