Hey people. Todays post was changed last minute. I got a mail late last night from someone who simply identified himself (I think) as Riley. The subject of the mail was: If I ruled the world. What you are about to read is the content of that mail along with inputs from me, @LagosHunter and @novacrossQueen. Enjoy.
1. Legalize gay marriage: Its simple yo, if gay marriage was legal n shit, the fuckin’ butt pirates would come outta da closets, get registered, married and shit. Once I know where the gaylord fuckers live, I’m gon send in SEAL team 6 or some other hardcore mofo’s to take ‘em all out.
2. Legalize rape: Yeah, y’all fucktards read that right. Aint no bitch gon have the right to refuse any nigga. If a nigga wanna f*ck, all he gotta do is walk on the street, pick a ho, n say “bend the f*ck over bitch”.
3. Ban f*ckin’ condoms: Condoms just get in the f*ckin way of good p*ssy. A nigga can’t feel right wen he’s upside a p*ssy with a goddamn rubber on his d*ck. So, ban condoms and make anal sex the f*ckin standard for preventing preggies.
4. Get me a harem: Aint no f*ckin way in lesbian heaven imma legalize rape without 1st rounding up 3000 of the best bitches in da fuckin world fo myself! F*ck no. Yeah, Beyonce gon be there, singing “Who run the world? Riley!” while I f*ck the shit outta her. Imma have me some Amber Rose up in there, cuz damn, that b*tch got the freshest p*ssy a nigga eyes ever did see. Damn! Yeah, Some Nicki Minaj, some Ini Edo, some Chinese acrobats for the really crazy sex shit, I could go on but u get my fucking drift yo…
5. Save the f*ckin’ world: Yeah. I got a solution for one of our biggest piss-shit problems on da planet. The Isreal-Palestine crisis. Solution? Isreal-Palestine orgy! Imma grab em all, have em blindfolded and dumped naked into a large room with all the lights off.
Aint no need fo no mother*ckin summary, biatches! Ya already know what it is.
1. Legalize abortion in every single country
2. Ban reality TV shows and auto tune
3. Call Tiger Woods to my office, pull his left ear and whisper “Guy, you fuck up!!”
4. Make it compulsory for every church branch and mosque to own/manage at least one orphanage
5. Rename “Absolut Vodka” to “Lagoshunter Vodka”
- Get scientists to work with Brazilian doctors to find a way to commercialize the ‘King Magazine Cover’ look and then make it free for all women.
- Contrary to what some of you might think, Keri Hilson will not be my queen, she’ll be the Queen mother of the world and all women MUST love and revere her.
- Every country has to incorporate an ‘anti-bitchassness’ course into their school curriculum. Of course Uncle Diddy will lecture via satellite teaching students about ‘swag’ and the seniors how to and not to take the world’s official liquor – Ciroc.
- Shuffle up the world map: if we had a world flag right now it would be so boring… something like white, black (with a little orange stripe) and then white. I can’t have that. So Cameroun and Quatar have to swap. Brazil and South Africa, Canada and Iraq, Israel and Japan …
- On second thoughts, maybe I’ll leave Canada where it is… make it the gay capital of the world, rename it GLEE.
1. Order the production of self cleaning vibrators – I’m so tired of taking breaks in-between to clean shit… Unlimited self naks baby. But get your own damn batteries, Zara batteries 😀
2. Legalize gay marriage – gay people have the right to marry and be miserable too, heck if you wanna marry furniture, go right ahead. Misery loves company
3. Cables that f*cking untangle themselves!!!
4. A virgin/AIDS/herpes/whatever-else-is-transmittable-through-sex GPS tracking system, so I know who the f*ck to avoid. I’m just tryna not catch anything.
5. Legalize marijuana – I speak for everyone and their mama when I say this, this might very well lead to world peace. Also, food might become scarce due to munchies and all but who cares *shrugs*
Also, 5and a ½ – burn all the bras in the whole entire world, and burn the nigga that invented it, and burn his dog for good measure. #FreeBoobies!!!
So, the question today is not-so-simple. If you had a shot at ruling the world for one day, list 5 things you’ll do. Use the comment box and speak your mind.
PS: I tried replying ‘Riley’ through the email address he used to contact me and the mail bounced.