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Monday Rush

Rules of (Dis)engagement.

Hey everyone. *dodges tomatoes* Y’all know I can’t hold out on you like that.. :). So, I’m excited this morning. Why? Well, for starters I’m still off work so…booyah…. Today’s also the birthday of a very very good friend and finally, the countdown to the awesome month of August when we celebrate out first year anniversary officially begins this week. Make sure you check back for details of activities we have lined up.

Now, today’s post might come off as a joke (especially to the ladies) but I’d like to see the talking points that spin off it. It was written by a good friend of mine, Biodun .F. (@biodunf) and no he’s not a blogger.

*********

The people with science backgrounds and pretty much everyone who has seen The Matrix or some other out-of-this-world sci-fi action movie should know that there are always glitches in systems that allow you do the ‘extra ordinary’. (Neo stopping bullets) For those of us that have been in a relationship for a bit and have gotten involved in some ‘extra-curricular’ activities, I’m here to vindicate you and help get you out of that tight corner whenever you get caught.

Over time I’ve come across certain rules that allow guys or even girls have some sort of ‘hall pass’ out of their relationships and I’d just like to share them.

Time Zone:  If you cheat on your partner in another time zone, say maybe you are in Nigeria and he/she is in the US, IT’S NOT CHEATING!!! I’ll explain. One of you is in the future and the other is in the past, so you are technically not dating at that time in the future. Who knows if you guys would still be in a relationship in the next 4 hours.

Mile High: We all know what the mile high club is, right? (well… basically that’s having sex in an in-flight airplane for more info check out: www.milehighclub.com). So here is the loophole; you are on land and your partner is way up in the air. IT’S NOT CHEATING!!!  The exclusivity rules don’t apply. The air up there is different from down here and the rules of gravity and hence all other rules don’t apply. If you don’t believe me refer to page 72 of Principles of Physics by P.N. Okeke. (Seriously … stop that)

Travelling Back in Time: Here’s a favourite. It’s indirectly related to Okafor’s law i.e. sleeping with an ex. If your partner catches you in bed with an ex, NO, IT’S NOT CHEATING!!!  You’ve already shagged the ex in the past, so it’s not like you’re doing something new, right?

Different Race: Here’s another good one. If you are getting some on the side with someone of a different race, guess what… IT’S NOT CHEATING!!! Let me explain, you are black and she’s white, it’s neither here nor there. Like they say ‘it’s a GREY area’. In fact, some take it as far as saying cheating with someone who speaks a different language doesn’t count. I personally can’t explain that one yet, so if you get caught doing that, you are on your own.

Life or Death: Remember the movie ‘Without a paddle’? Remember that scene where three guys were caught in the rain in the middle of the jungle and they had no means of keeping warm besides snuggling up? And then that R.Kelly song came on, ‘……my minds telling me no, but my body, my body is telling me YEAH!!!’. Ok so picture getting caught in that Lagos flood last week with someone of the opposite sex, say maybe in some cave in Alagbado or Ajangbadi. It’s cold as hell and the only way to keep warm is to … erm… ‘snuggle up’ with other person. Your boyfriend/girlfriend wouldn’t mind you getting a couple of warm thrusts to keep you alive, would they? Would you?  In fact the person you slept with might even get a medal for bravery, yes? No?

So there they are, I bet some of you have some more interesting ideas of getting out of those tight corners. So back to you toolsman and thanks for having me here.

*****

Joke? Yes? No? Maybe? This morning has certainly been about the jokes. I’ll definitely like to hear your thoughts on this one. Use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.

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About thetoolsman

I mostly refer to myself as an unrepentant media addict .. Well, cause I'm mostly always hunting for information through one media channel or the other... Hit me up on twitter @thetoolsman

Discussion

106 thoughts on “Rules of (Dis)engagement.

  1. 1st

    Posted by Dolly | July 18, 2011, 10:01 am
  2. .

    Posted by bimbo | July 18, 2011, 10:01 am
  3. I can be 1st if I want to :p

    Posted by Iyamilele | July 18, 2011, 10:02 am
  4. Damn

    Posted by EyeVee | July 18, 2011, 10:02 am
  5. First?
    Dolly, I respect oh!

    Posted by stillme! | July 18, 2011, 10:03 am
  6. Mshewwwwwwwqw

    Posted by EyeVee | July 18, 2011, 10:03 am
  7. shit mehn X_X !!! I’ve sha been 1st before (effortlessly) *Kanye shrug*

    Posted by Iyamilele | July 18, 2011, 10:03 am
  8. OTI GA O

    Posted by FOXY | July 18, 2011, 10:05 am
  9. Number 8…whew!

    Posted by iamsamsie | July 18, 2011, 10:06 am
  10. JESUS!!!!!
    See speed sha!!!
    Funny post! I should try one these rules one day .. Let me see if they will work …

    Posted by d3ola | July 18, 2011, 10:08 am
  11. 8th!!! Accolades already tweeted. ^_^

    Posted by Genesis | July 18, 2011, 10:08 am
  12. This post vindicates me from all my guilt. I’m free.
    Ok i’ve committed all ‘offenses’ apart from the mile high one. So let me see what its all about

    Posted by NoRegrets | July 18, 2011, 10:10 am
  13. LMAOO…This is jokes. I concur, especially with the time zone (but it does not apply to me cause naij and jand have the same time 😦 )

    Posted by Iyamilele | July 18, 2011, 10:11 am
  14. i totally agree with the Traveling Back in Time excuse it aint cheating, it cant be 🙂

    Posted by malota | July 18, 2011, 10:11 am
  15. U pple hav bin refreshin! Kai!

    D post’s jokes doe.try any of dese rules n u get shot.

    Posted by Immortal TeddyBear | July 18, 2011, 10:12 am
  16. lmao…..i pity any man that will try any of the above rules on me…*kisses teeth like market woman*

    Posted by S.Charles | July 18, 2011, 10:15 am
  17. Guys, is it cheating if your girlfriend ran into Idris Elba or Taye Diggs in the US and shagged him?

    Ladies, if he had a one night stand with Mercy Johnson you’d get mad right? What about if it’s with Halle Berry or Rihanna? Or Beyonce? Wouldn’t you be proud?

    What’s wrong with living out a fantasy if the opportunity presents itself……..?

    *scratches itchy balls*——> Sweety : )

    Posted by Lagos Hunter | July 18, 2011, 10:16 am
  18. @immortal no o.. the difference in time zone is a good excuse! very valid for that matter..

    Posted by fido | July 18, 2011, 10:17 am
  19. What is this please? If you have a gf or bf and you insert your member in another girls vjayjay or allow another guy insert his member in your vjayjay… it is cheating! Simples! No justification abeg… timezone ko!

    Posted by Simmzz | July 18, 2011, 10:18 am
  20. lma*effin*oooo

    Posted by 'il Cicero' | July 18, 2011, 10:19 am
  21. *chop knocku*.. I wanted to add this but I was hoping someone would…
    PS: I hope most guys will remain in their r/ships after commenting here today…

    Posted by thetoolsman | July 18, 2011, 10:20 am
  22. Go and sin no more…

    Posted by thetoolsman | July 18, 2011, 10:21 am
  23. btw, http://www.milehighclub.com is NSFW… #okbye

    Posted by 'il Cicero' | July 18, 2011, 10:22 am
  24. thanks. A lot of f5’s went into that

    Posted by Dolly | July 18, 2011, 10:23 am
  25. Lool, no dice, na to chop his balls off mehn, foolish excuses… On a different note, first to 10th positions, hope ur fingers aren’t hurting from all that refreshing? E Pele. On a final note… Tools is that birthday shoutout for me? If so 😀 if not I claim it anyways. *cripwalks away*

    Posted by t3niola | July 18, 2011, 10:26 am
  26. I totallly concur wif dem all.Buh dts jst cos I’m tryn to justify dse actions carrried out by shameful self x_x

    Posted by MzLucyM | July 18, 2011, 10:26 am
  27. lmao @cave in ajangbadi! @lagosHunter i’m with u on that one it isn’t cheating if it’s with a hot celeb especially a foreign celeb e.g Damon Salvatore(can’t remember his real name)

    Posted by @eznira | July 18, 2011, 10:28 am
  28. All na cheating, fantasy or not, hmm wale I will report u, this one that ure chopping knuckle

    Posted by t3niola | July 18, 2011, 10:29 am
  29. I don’t understand today’s post so I’ll bow outta commenting..

    Posted by no1chick | July 18, 2011, 10:29 am
  30. I have done every on this list except “mile high” which i intend to do soon……
    so if i shag an ibo babe while dating a hausa babe, it’s safe to claim it’s not cheating….
    Nice one Biodun

    Posted by Master Sushey | July 18, 2011, 10:30 am
  31. Hahahaha!! Seriously tho, what if u are in a relationship, but then u have this other person that u always talk to, hang out with, snuggle with, even occasionally kiss but absolutely no shagging. Is that cheating???

    Posted by typicallywoman | July 18, 2011, 10:30 am
  32. I just can’t believe the mile high club weblink worked! Lol

    Posted by jayajade | July 18, 2011, 10:30 am
  33. Its pure trips…

    Posted by thetoolsman | July 18, 2011, 10:32 am
  34. Prelude…

    Posted by thetoolsman | July 18, 2011, 10:33 am
  35. Wait o.. dont get it wrong.. he said he cant figure that one out so you’ll be on your own…

    Posted by thetoolsman | July 18, 2011, 10:34 am
  36. A ha.. look at them.. *GUILTY*.. you need to stick that on your forehead…

    Posted by thetoolsman | July 18, 2011, 10:34 am
  37. Shagging ur female boss to buy ur girl her bb torch. Not cheating no? ¯\..(•͡.̮ •͡ )../¯ *goes back to work*

    Posted by Genesis | July 18, 2011, 10:35 am
  38. bout distance, be faithful on phone…. and also be faithful to your other partners where you are…..

    Posted by dammy | July 18, 2011, 10:36 am
  39. 🙂 🙂

    Posted by thetoolsman | July 18, 2011, 10:36 am
  40. I find 2day’s post extremely hilarious n now some us av d perfect xplanations when we get caught…hahahaha!!! Nice 1

    Posted by remi m | July 18, 2011, 10:37 am
  41. Can never ever be.. in fact.. you deserve a medal….

    Posted by thetoolsman | July 18, 2011, 10:38 am
  42. *whew* coming baq ltr wen d crazy ppl have read n left deir comments.

    Posted by Sonia | July 18, 2011, 10:41 am
  43. Pom Pom, you didn’t just fall my hand and rub it inside pottor pottor 😥

    Posted by Lagos Hunter | July 18, 2011, 10:45 am
  44. ‎​L☺l….jokes tho…but #imo dis is jus a humorous excuse to pardon cheating….*drops mic*

    Posted by dozie | July 18, 2011, 10:45 am
  45. @lagoshunter that’s a nice addition to d collection,d celeb bit I mean. @master sushey u r on ur own o,maybe we can say u dint understand what d ibo babe was saying when moaning in her language,so it doesn’t technically count? lol

    Posted by Biodun F | July 18, 2011, 10:47 am
  46. Ian Somerhalder.. 🙂

    Posted by desola1 | July 18, 2011, 10:48 am
  47. @Typicallywoman, am totally wiv you on this one. That shouldn’t be tagged cheating na.

    Posted by Nna mehn! | July 18, 2011, 10:48 am
  48. Hmmmmm.

    Posted by anonymous | July 18, 2011, 10:53 am
  49. Lmfao!! There’s only one definition of cheating no ‘clauses’ or ‘loopholes’ its called cheating for a reason. Next thing someone’ll say if its in d hotel room its not cheating cuz she hasn’t seen the bedroom *rolling my eyes* … Love the post though… can’t stop laughing

    Posted by tigerfirerose | July 18, 2011, 10:53 am
  50. Toolsman, I see ur conspiracy in preventing me from being the first to comment today! You’ll be hearing frm my lawyers #thatIsAll

    Posted by @deevagal | July 18, 2011, 10:53 am
  51. Funny post.
    NB: The following are questions & not my views oh…

    *If its a quickie with someone else, its not cheating.

    *if your gf is a virgin, its not cheating.

    *if you weren’t caught in the act, its not cheating.

    Posted by 2ndelawal | July 18, 2011, 11:02 am
  52. I’m sad reading all these comments. Like why is sex not like a handshake. So it wont be cheating to do it on a daily basis. Ah, justifying myself never worked. Even my gf knowing I kissed someone else is good enuf reason to stop me. Too much guilt.

    Posted by highlandblue | July 18, 2011, 11:08 am
  53. This guy is crazy yo! hahahahaha don’t even tell me that mehn… The way i’ll beat the guy eh! merely looking at another girl will register in his brain as cheating! lovely read sir!

    Posted by sandie_pandie | July 18, 2011, 11:12 am
  54. Unknowingly Giving it to a Marine Spirit is not cheating. It’s #Entrapment *continues filing branch reports*

    Posted by Genesis | July 18, 2011, 11:13 am
  55. Its crazy….I was just discussing this mile high thingy wv sum1 after the whole “chairman ‘s post”….

    It’s sumfn I must do…whether d devil likes it or not…
    Btw cool post, I fnk one of the best ve read ds month tho…

    Posted by ibetapassmynebo | July 18, 2011, 11:15 am
  56. Sleepin wif a guy uv had a mad crush on evn b4 meeti ur bf, is dat cheating?

    Posted by some girl | July 18, 2011, 11:18 am
  57. Others include shaggin/gettin shagged by ur partner’s brother,sister(father,mother),cousins(their father and mothers too)…..since they’re related by blood its not bad,u’re jst sticking ur junk into d same gene pool…..this goes on to say dat since we r all descended from Adam(SAW),this inadvertently makes US all family…..so don’t give a fuck….fuck away *sips alomo*

    Posted by dhamyhan | July 18, 2011, 11:18 am
  58. Same goes for Clones…

    Posted by dhamyhan | July 18, 2011, 11:22 am
  59. Lmao…….now visiting http://www.milehighclub.com

    Posted by radiokiller | July 18, 2011, 11:23 am
  60. Then again if am with a guy, then I occasionally get up close n personal with this chick…………..is that cheating?

    Posted by typicallywoman | July 18, 2011, 11:28 am
  61. But it doesn’t have to go beyond d prelude…………..don’t u think?

    Posted by typicallywoman | July 18, 2011, 11:36 am
  62. if there is no ring on ur finger……it is not cheating

    *continues shaggin spreeeeee*

    Posted by ShoWade | July 18, 2011, 11:45 am
  63. @dhamyhan serzly?

    Posted by Sonia | July 18, 2011, 11:47 am
  64. This post is hilarious! My favorite is d one bout tym zone, it gave me a good laugh! I’ll lyk to kill d guy who uses one of these on me. I aint guilty of any though!

    Posted by Tori | July 18, 2011, 11:51 am
  65. Soon they’ll say doin it with a condom aint cheating, or as long as u ddnt get AIDS it aint cheating

    Posted by Sonia | July 18, 2011, 11:58 am
  66. Soon they’ll say doin it with a condom aint cheating or as long as u ddnt get AIDS its nt cheating.

    L☺L like d blog tho

    Posted by Sonia | July 18, 2011, 12:05 pm
  67. first comment eva…nyc read its freakin hilarious 😀

    Posted by misTYbikers | July 18, 2011, 12:09 pm
  68. Good post!. 🙂 I’d add two others:

    1. ‘Having sex with someone in costume’.
    If the person was in costume as a fictional character the whole time, its not cheating. I mean, you can even confess. Try telling your girl you had sex with Wonderwoman. See if she takes you seriously.

    As a corollary to this, If the person wears a mask in the image of your Partner during the act, then it is also not cheating. I assume the rationale is obvious.

    2. ‘Having sex to save the universe’
    As they say in law ‘all that matters to establish guilt is the offenders state of mind’. If you can convince yourself that you need to sleep with that hot chick to save the world. (My ‘Heroes’ friends will recognize the phrase “Bang the cheerleader, save the world”) then it is not cheating as if you do not, you believe your partner will die also.

    This is a very sound theory although under review. Try it and let me know the results.

    Posted by ThinkTank! | July 18, 2011, 12:12 pm
  69. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    *its over*

    Posted by ShoWade | July 18, 2011, 12:17 pm
  70. I’m just here at my desk laughing. You could change your name to James Bond for an hour and then when its all over you could say it was James Bond that slept with the girl, not you.

    Posted by highlandblue | July 18, 2011, 12:20 pm
  71. buhahahahahaha… this is SICK.

    Posted by thetoolsman | July 18, 2011, 12:29 pm
  72. LMAO!!!!! I like!!! I dont approve but this was funny as hell… “grey area” TEARS!!!

    Posted by beforesheimplodes | July 18, 2011, 12:35 pm
  73. u be goat…”bang the cheerleader, save the world” this got me laughing

    Posted by Master Sushey | July 18, 2011, 12:35 pm
  74. What does NSFW mean?

    Posted by beforesheimplodes | July 18, 2011, 12:41 pm
  75. Yes….really 😐

    Posted by dhamyhan | July 18, 2011, 12:44 pm
  76. Not suitable for watching/women?

    Posted by thetoolsman | July 18, 2011, 12:44 pm
  77. X_X I cant with you people! I really cant!

    Posted by beforesheimplodes | July 18, 2011, 12:47 pm
  78. LMAO…dis is hilarious…let an African American woman catch u cheating with any of these excuses first…omo u life go change.

    Posted by musingsofagidimallam | July 18, 2011, 12:49 pm
  79. Change of name is not enough. you must go fully into character. Dress the part, adopt the accent, drink the vodka martini (shaken, not stirred), I mean, this is not some half-baked cheating scam we’re running here :-/

    Posted by ThinkTank! | July 18, 2011, 12:49 pm
  80. Not safe for Work? i.e. dont open it where your co-workers can see? Yes?

    Posted by ThinkTank! | July 18, 2011, 1:12 pm
  81. U ARE MADDDDDD!!!!!!
    *rolling down the office corridor*
    Let any man try this on me and see if he will leave with his balls still attached to him … even he will be missing a few fingers sef …

    Posted by d3ola | July 18, 2011, 1:13 pm
  82. ogbeni, u too watch feem…a la tyler perry

    Posted by Master Sushey | July 18, 2011, 1:14 pm
  83. You forgot the most important- introduce yourself….”My name is Bond, James Bond. 😀

    Posted by jAyajade | July 18, 2011, 1:29 pm
  84. Funny post. Perspective. Can’t believe anyone wud use any of these excuses tho. Lol.

    Posted by thatssodamie | July 18, 2011, 1:37 pm
  85. Buahahaha! BONDLOLOLOL. Let her catch u.

    Posted by highlandblue | July 18, 2011, 2:16 pm
  86. LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    1. Biodun is crazy for this
    2. Think Tank.. Haba.. LOL! Wonder woman!

    Posted by Taiwo | July 18, 2011, 3:31 pm
  87. Funny post….the guys are more excited bout the excuses…..they don’t work on black women oh! No be only costume….haha

    Posted by Deevarh | July 18, 2011, 3:31 pm
  88. doing it wiv condom is not cheating…the condom is doing the shagging…ur just helping nah…

    Posted by feeeezzee | July 18, 2011, 3:32 pm
  89. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

    Posted by Taiwo | July 18, 2011, 3:34 pm
  90. This post is about Desperation of men to be unfaithful! Kilode? na so the thing they sweet?

    Posted by mabijo | July 18, 2011, 3:39 pm
  91. LMAOOOO

    Posted by tobicomm | July 18, 2011, 3:59 pm
  92. LMFAO!!!Thanks for the post guys.This is one lesson I’m gonna take seriously 🙂

    Posted by georgeenah | July 18, 2011, 4:03 pm
  93. Ahhh! I loooove this post. *now walking away to begin my cheating spree* 😀

    Posted by SheSays | July 18, 2011, 4:12 pm
  94. Valid points yes yes

    Also, is it cheating if you are “practicing” for his birthday or something like that?

    Or…if it’s with another girl?

    Posted by SouthSouthGirl | July 18, 2011, 4:28 pm
  95. LWKMD!!!

    Posted by LaCream™ | July 18, 2011, 4:37 pm
  96. I’m ill o.dokitor says I’m nt allowed to laff too much but dis is maaaaaad* ‘bang d cheerleader, save d wrld’ lMeffingAo.Biodun nice read. *crawln bck to my sick bed* choi is dat Trey songz I see *halo on*

    Posted by beeyuteeful | July 18, 2011, 5:58 pm
  97. SMH!!!!

    Yall just crazy!!!

    Lovely stuff.

    I wonder how Anna from KLM is doing.

    F.

    Posted by @FoluShaw | July 18, 2011, 6:05 pm
  98. mile high club #bucketlist….but what about an eye’s wide shut kinda party? is it cheating when you dont even know who you were with?

    Posted by ciiphii | July 18, 2011, 7:09 pm
  99. The only excuse(s) I’d accept is if it was with another girl…Chikena!!!! ooh yeah, and i must be allowed to watch/direct/join in hehe

    Posted by LAre | July 18, 2011, 7:13 pm
  100. Mama Momo must hear this one.

    Posted by ruud_bishop | July 19, 2011, 3:54 am
  101. “I just had sex with wonder woman.” hahahhahhaha..

    Posted by leonmacedon | July 19, 2011, 4:17 pm
  102. Wat about Setting p on the side when she ain’t giving yu any, prolly saving her v for marriage..?

    Posted by leonmacedon | July 19, 2011, 4:22 pm
  103. I m gonna guess same sex dealings will fall under no cheating. Especially if it was experimental. This logic should also apply to segs with midgets and all other experimental segsiness such as S&M. If its something ur partner won’t do and you do it elsewhere, its not cheating. Great post btw, had me laughing like hell

    Posted by Sir Fariku | July 21, 2011, 12:05 am
  104. Tears “entramped by a marine spirit” faints….lmaooooooooooo

    Posted by me | July 22, 2011, 10:09 am

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