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thetoolsman

I mostly refer to myself as an unrepentant media addict .. Well, cause I'm mostly always hunting for information through one media channel or the other... Hit me up on twitter @thetoolsman
thetoolsman has written 138 posts for Thetoolsman's Blog

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Letter To My Girlfriend About Football

Hey people. Exactly a year ago today, I published my first post here reluctantly and that post has just 2 views. I didn’t put up another post till a month later. Who would have thought a year down the line, this same blog would have amassed almost 200k views and 10k comments. It’s been an incredible journey with a lot of reading, sleepless nights and amazing friends and acquaintances made along the way. Today is very emotional for me as this will be my last post on http://www.thetoolsman.wordpress.com. The blog has definitely outgrown the wordpress engine and with the rising number of spams and bots stopping by, I know the time is right to move.

In comes http://www.thenakedconvos.com, our new home. Remember it, bookmark it, save it. Why the naked convos? We’ve always been about driving conversations here. From the logical to the controversial and others. From Monday 8th of August 2011, we invite you to come stripping yourself of all restrictions as our posts go up on http://www.thenakedconvos.com but not to worry, we’ll have all the old posts and comments from here moved there as well.  Also, you can look forward to a whole lot more on the new site. We’ll be introducing some new categories, new writers, more giveaways and of course, events.

What better way to leave here than serving y’all with one last giveaway? In respect to our Muslim readers currently observing the month of Ramadan, the usual Wet Fridays category will take a break for a while but not to worry, trust us to always keep you engaged. Today, I bring to you, a post supported by the good people at Tactics IQ as part of their activities towards the Season 3 of the Soccer Fiesta billed to hold from 12noon at the Campos Mini Stadium Lagos Island tomorrow. Today’s post is for the blog jacking category. It’s taken from one of my blogging mentors, Dr. J. from that site we all love so much Single Black Male. Enjoy.

******

Babe,

You know that I appreciate you. I appreciate you so much. I enjoy talking to you, spending time with you, and just generally spending afternoons on the couch snuggled up with you reading a good book. We both have busy schedules so I know that most weekdays we hardly speak with the exception of hi and bye, and getting ready for bed in the evening. Friday nights we usually make time to grab dinner and Saturdays are usually filled with errands or attending functions that we’ve both been invited to attend as a couple. Sundays are our day. And I think that most couples would agree, Sunday is that day that you can spend with your significant other and everything is perfect. Sunday hugs, kisses, naps, and a good movie are the way to go.

Because I really appreciate that time with you, it pains me that I regret to inform you, that football is starting. This may be hard for you to understand and that’s why I took this time to write you this letter. I thought you would appreciate me getting my feelings out on paper.

I only get two days a week to watch football (well, except when the Champions League begins) because it only airs weekends. Football starts at noon on Saturday, but lasts until Sunday evening. Let me explain, it’s because the games are so great that as men we cheer for an encore even if it kills us. I need this time, this time reminds me that I’m a man and that manly blood runs through my veins.

Also, several of my friends will come over to watch games, or we may go to a sports bar. If I’m not in attendance I will be considered a bad friend and my manhood will undoubtedly be questioned. They will think that while men are being men, I’m probably locked in house with a blanket and hot tea watching a romantic movie. And babe, I love those movies, but I don’t love it when my boys laugh at me.

As it pertains to logistics, I’d like to discuss a few things. I’m an Arsenal fan, and although you may not like Arsenal, it would probably be best if you went ahead and acted like you did. I get emotional. My fan hood is deeply rooted and not easily moved. Anything you say, I probably already know, and have known for some time now. For example, “Baby the man just said Arsenal haven’t won a trophy in six seasons?! Is that a good thing?” That’s only going to make it worse. Don’t add salt to open wounds, just do what I do. And when I’m upset, just pat me on the back and tell me to keep drinking my beer.

If I have people over to my apartment for a game while you’re here, please be a great host. I would like to be as helpful as possible; however, my time is limited because I’m expected to be sitting in the living room watching the games at all times. I will need you to be in charge of taking orders, ordering food, serving food and providing beverages for everyone. This will be a lot easier for you if you buy the booze on Fridays when we’re out running errands. If being in the kitchen while the guys are watching the games bothers you, I’ve heard that some women take up hobbies such as cooking homemade shawarmas or perfecting the perfect chicken wings. There are several recipes online, feel free to try it out. I’ll be your guinea pig. (Kisses.)

During halftime is when most guys will break to call their girlfriends, wives, or sidepieces. Some guys will need a few more minutes just to get up to speed on fantasy scores. However, this is a good time for us to spend about 15 minutes together. And I can’t think of a better place to be doing that than in the bedroom. Yes, sex at halftime is BAWSE! It’s our way of staying connected and it’s also a stress reliever.

I’m glad I took the time to sit down and write you this letter. I feel so much better now that I’ve gotten this off my chest. I was so worried that you would be upset, but I think that now that I’ve expressed my feelings to you, you’ll understand 100%. If you want to talk about this later, please let me know, I’m always open to talking to you and hearing your thoughts. Lastly, know that, football only runs from August until May. (That’s 10 measly months!) Later we’ll discuss midweek football, but it shouldn’t be a problem at all, since you’ll be used to it by then, however we should talk about it just in case. Talk to you soon!

With Love and Admiration,

Your Honey Bunches of Oats

****

There you go. I’m sure a lot of guys reading will thank me for this post. As for the ladies, what will be your response to a letter like this sent to you from your boyfriend?

As for the giveaway, I have two tickets. They’ll go to the 10th and 20th people to tweet #TacticsIQsoccerFiesta to the twitter handle @TacticsIQ. Goodluck.

UPDATE:  PICTURES FROM #TNC1 ON Ynaija –>  http://j.mp/oa3xY1

Our Best Friends Wedding: Episode 12: El Capitano

This was not the expected outcome. Nobody was supposed to get hurt. Not him, not any of the chosen 19.

Especially not Jade.

It had been a month since he’d done the nasty with Jade. The nasty.
How could he even call something so awesome by such a distant misnomer? “The nasty?” he thought. For it had been anything but. Life had to go on though.

Two days after he and Jade had hooked up, he’d gotten a call.
“Hi. Who’s speaking?”
A gruff voice. “It’s me.”
“Who?”
“Me. The Captain as I hear you all like to refer to me…” Charles’ blood paused in mid-flow as he tried to catch his breath.

“Ggggood evening,” Charles stuttered.
“Coward. You hear the voice of a real man and you start stammering.”

Ordinarily, Charles wouldn’t stand for such insults. Especially from someone with whom he’d had relatively little interaction. However, today he offered up no protests. He couldn’t deny to himself that he probably deserved it…

“You’re lucky you didn’t sleep with my wife all those years ago. You’d be missing your penis by now.” Charles eyes widened with fear. Life without a penis would be unthinkable.
“I’d never do that now. Never. What the hell men?”
“Good. Now what is this I hear you’ve done with Jade?” Silence. Very awkward. The Captain sighed loudly. Must be a horrible snorer, thought Charles. The Captain chose to continue:
“I heard about it and I’d like to ask: why?”
Why, Charles thought to himself. He couldn’t bring himself to answer. Why? He spoke up: “I’ve been asking myself the same thing for a while now.”
“And what have you come up with?”
“Nothing worth saying, I assure you.” Again, the Captain sighed.
“You’re a man Charles. At least I hope you are. You have but one mandate: fix this. For all our sakes. Please.” And the line went dead.

Charles dropped the phone and ran his fingers through his hair, cursing under his breath as he did so.

Why? And had it been all worth it?

He brought out his writing pad and wrote at the top of a free page in bold type:

TO THE WOMEN I WRONGED.
He drew a crooked line underneath the words then he paused while staring into the ceiling. He looked down, fighting tears,
and continued to write…

Midway through, he stopped again. He pulled his phone out and began typing a message with a wry smile on his face:
“I think we’re all clear babe. All clear.”
A few moments later, with his eyes glued to the handset the whole time, a notification came up: “Delivered: Eno.” He maintained the wry smile and went back to writing…

********************

It seemed out of the blue, surreal even, when his phone rang and he saw her name on the screen. He held his breath and counted to five before he picked it…
“Hey. Guess you’re all still mad at me…” Her chirpy voice cut him off.
“No, you numbskull! You’re not that important!” That admission stung Charles but the brightness in her voice told him that the ugliness between them might be at an end.
“Alright, Kemi. What’s up?” He sounded drained. Defeated.
“Don’t be such a whiner. Ahn ahn, who stole your cookies? Don’t sound so beaten up jo! Look I have info. Serious info. It’s about Jade.” Charles perked up. The emotional rollercoaster was becoming a bit much for him to handle.
“Go on,” he said.
“Well… It appears you weren’t the only one she screwed or was screwing as it is.”
“Uh huh…” He answered,
“Yeah… Well… Jade’s kinda pregnant right now.”
“Holy Geronimo! Wh-wh-wh-whaat?! How pregnant? Ho-wh-whe…?!”
“The Captain WAS right. You DO stutter under pressure! Hold your horses. It’s not yours. Thankfully.”
“Thankfully,” he repeated. Right then, Charles didn’t know what to feel.
“But that’s only part of the gist o…” She continued. “The guy responsible, Mayowa, is keen and it seems your little mixer with Jade the other day straightened her out. Helped her understand her feelings. Charles are you there?”
“I’m here.” He muttered,
“So the major gist I called to give you is this…” Charles braced himself and sighed.
“What?”

“Our best friend is getting married!!!”

********

Hey people. We’re up to the final episode. You won’t want to miss out next week… If you haven’t been following the series, use this link here to read the previous episodes. OBFW is jointly written by @cikk0 and I and we’d like to say a huge thank you to the guys at Barows 21 for sponsoring it. Now to today’s magazine giveaway.

Which episode did Charles use the following term:  “Fuckiddy  wow!”?  The first person to give the right answer wins. Please remember to comment with an original email address. Also, past winners are not allowed to participate in the competition holding the week after theirs. Good luck.

Soar or plummet.

Have you ever heard of how the female eagle selects a mate for herself? She picks a twig, flies very high into the sky and drops it. The male eagles would then scramble to get the twig and bring it to her. Take a minute to think about it, imagine six male eagles scrambling high in the sky trying to pick a little twig that can break under the slightest pressure. The peculiar aspect of this ‘mating ritual’ is that the female eagle does this same thing over and over again. So how does she finally pick? The first male eagle that gets a twig three times, yup, bingo.
I find this ritual very interesting. Why? Most male eagles can probably get one of her twigs once right? But she is smart enough to realize this, so she runs the test a few more times to ensure she not only gets the one who is strong or smart enough but also, the male eagle who is patient enough.
If only humans would build up on some of their more useful animal instincts. Every animal has a form of mating ritual with which they pick their mates. These rituals sometimes produce the only mate that animal will ever have. This got me wondering about human beings, and our mating rituals. A female eagle can find a perfect mate in one day if she’s lucky enough to find a male eagle ready to put in what is required. However sometimes, the eagle’s mating ritual lasts days or even weeks simply because she won’t settle for less.
Let’s try to put together a mating ritual for humans based on ‘current’ general knowledge. Boy meets girl, boy throws a few gifts, recharge cards, BIS activation fees e.t.c around, boy says some things about how he has never liked a woman as much, used to be a player but ‘u don make him fall in love’ and just like that – MATE. Just like that, she ordains him Commander in Chief of her honeypot. Things go south a few days or if she’s lucky weeks or months later and it’s on to the next one while she continues to amass soldiers and in the process loosing her dignity.
The female eagle (what is a female eagle called by the way?) on the other hand, recognizes the VERY important things; most male eagles are probably smart or strong enough to come after her but will they all be patient enough to endure her test? Any other guy who is averagely good looking, financially stable and confident enough can walk up to try to woo you but only a guy who has reasonably good intentions will hang on long enough through various forms of tests to eventually have you (well, either that or he’s a really twisted psycho)

I’m sure some of you are already asking if this isn’t some form of fronting. Well, I really don’t think it is. I think our female eagle takes her time because she wants to pick out that male eagle strong enough to beat his competition, smart enough to pick the twig in such a way that it won’t snap and then patient enough to do this over and over again. I tried checking up to see if this process is usually for a life mate or female eagles are also fond of changing mates after a few romps in their nest but I couldn’t really find an answer. Whatever the case may be, even for something as ‘not-so-long-term’ as sex, I think we, as humans with particular emphasis on the females need to re-evaluate our mating rituals. I’m no expert and I’m certainly not trying to impose my opinions here, I’m merely comparing notes. It’s your choice… be the eagle or be the woman.

PS: A female eagle is called a hen-eagle!

*****

Well, there you go people. I edited this piece, which was originally written by a friend @onome_umukoro. Talking points? What are your mating rituals? Can we learn anything from the hen-eagle? And for the guys, how would you react to a girl that makes your work like the hen-eagle for something not-so-long-term as sex? Use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.

Tell a tale.

Hey people. Whew. I really don’t know how to thank y’all for making #TNC1 a huge success. I must say I was overwhelmed and I’d like to appreciate everyone who turned up. I have to give a special s/o to our sponsors: Barows21, Naledis Clothing, Ayaba as well as our panelists, our wonderful host, Gbemi Olateru-Olagbegi and also @otegaogra who kept people updated via twitter.

For those who missed it, you can catch up on what went down by searching for the event hashtag #TNC1 on twitter. We’ll also have pictures and possibly videos up later this week.

Ok, so, it’s almost 2am here and as much as I would like to take a break today, I have decided not to. Instead, I’m going to do something I’ve wanted to do for a while now. I have a folder on my system where I throw in stuff I don’t think is good enough for blog. From time to time, I’m going to be posting stuff from that folder just so you guys know we’re not writing demigods here. So here goes… Kindly share your comments, disses and the likes using the comment box. Cheers.

*********

It’s all about fairy tales today. Snow white had the dwarves, Cinderella had the fairy Godmother, Aladdin had a genie. If you were given a piece of paper and pen and asked to write a fairy tale for yourself, how would it go? Will you start out poor, widowed or as an orphan? Will there be a villain and a hero? Or lets even make things more interesting, how about if you could remix a fairy tale? How would it go? Hmmm…

*****

This is the story of a girl named Rahpunzo and it starts with the sun.

Now, once upon a time, a single drop of sunlight fell from the heavens and from this small drop of sun grew a magic green plant. It had the ability to erm… well, make people feel good.

Somehow, a depressed, single, bitter, horny and dreadlocked 40-something year old woman stumbled on the magical green plant. Years passed and a kingdom emerged around the area. The kingdom was ruled by a beloved king and queen. And the queen was about to have a baby but then she got depressed. Like really really depressed (from boredom of course). Her depression started affecting her pregnancy so much, she started looking really sick and that’s when the king and other citizens began to look for miracles or in this case, a magic green plant.

You see, instead of sharing the suns gift, the bitter woman whose name was Mother Gagoo, hoarded its feel good power. She also realized the plant made her dreads look cooler and all she had to do was sing a special song.

****

baby mi show colour e…

Yellow model cheese

Yellow model sipping

Yellow lamborghini

yellow top missing..

****

look at me now.

look t me now … oh

fresh than a mother fo

(s/o to @kidkonnect for this remix)

*****

All right you get the gist, she sings to it, her dreadlocks straighten out, look cooler than Whoppi Goldberg’s … cool right?

Gagoo grew careless with the plant and the people eventually found it. Not knowing what to do with it, the kingdoms only doctor prepared the plant for the queen. All he did really was chop it up a little and wrap it up in some parchment paper for the queen to light up. The magic of the green plant made the queen ‘feel good’ again.

A healthy baby girl, a princess was born with beautiful dreadlocks. They named her Rahpunzo.

To celebrate her birth, the king and queen ordered the KEPA (Kingdom Electric Power Authority) to leave the lights on for a whole day, even for people who owed. Before that one moment, everything was perfect. And then that moment ended. Gagoo broke into the Kings villa, stole the princess and just like that – she was gone. The people of the kingdom searched and searched but they could not find the princess.

But deep in the Okija forest, in a hidden tower, Gagoo raised the child as her own. Gagoo had found her new magic plant. All she had to do was hold the baby before a fireplace, take in deep breaths and it had the same effect as singing to the plant. This time however, she was determined to keep the child hidden.

“Why can’t I go outside Mama.”

“The outside world is a dangerous place filled with horrible selfish people. You must stay here where you’re safe, do you understand ganja (a petname she often called Rahpunzo)?”

“Yes Mama.”

But the walls of that tower could not hide everything. Each year on her birthday, the king and queen commanded KEPA to flicker the lights all through the night in hope that one-day, their lost princess would notice the sign and return.

Brand that package.

Hey people. Let me start by saying this is yet another not-so-wet Friday post. *Dodges rotten tomatoes*. Whew. Ok, now that that’s out of the way, for the rest of us here, I’d like to say I’m very psyched about todays post because it features a writer I really respect. Today’s post is an excerpt from one of her books currently available for Amazon titled A Love Rekindled. Yes, she’s the uber-cool Myne Whitman. Enjoy.

*******

Kevwe felt like a teenager as Efe stepped out of the car giggling. He killed the engine and followed her. He didn’t know what to expect, but he still checked his wallet to be sure there were some condoms. The atmosphere hinted at something serious. He wasn’t sure she was ready for sex yet, with all it entailed but some protection wouldn’t hurt if they did decide to go all the way.

Inside her room, they flowed into each other’s arms. Efe moaned and her head dropped on Kevwe’s shoulder as he slipped his arms under her fitted blouse and rubbed her back. When his hands moved to the other side, the sensations running over her body became exquisite. He pressed open-mouthed kisses on her forehead and her ears. Aching to touch him too, she wrapped her hands around him. Kevwe pushed her down on the bed, one of his hands gliding over her thighs.

More sweet and drugging kisses followed as they explored each other’s bodies with hands and lips. When Kevwe put his full weight on her, his arousal pressing urgently into her thigh, she noticed her blouse was completely unbuttoned, her skirt riding around her hips, and felt the last of her resistance slipping away. Eyes closed, she brought his face to hers for a long kiss, wishing it would never end. When he pulled away, Efe remained that way, knowing he was right there.

“Can you help me put this on?” Kevwe’s voice brought her out of the lull. Efe opened her eyes and turned to him, looking away instantly in panic. A condom strained halfway down his erection and sweat beaded his shirtless torso. It was as if a bucket of ice-cold water had been dashed on her face, draining her passion. She caught hold of one of Kevwe’s hands, which tried to stroke her intimately again, and said in a low, husky voice, “Kevwe, I think we should stop now.”

*******

Wondering what we’re getting at with this post? One word: condoms. It simply amazes me when I hear some of my very educated and very exposed female friends talk about their hatred for condoms and how off-putting it is when it comes to sex. I won’t talk about the guys because I doubt there’s one guy out there who really likes those things but nobody wants to die right? Wrong. Personal experiences and tales from friends have tempted me to ‘assume’ that no matter what they say in public, when it comes down to it, womenfolk care very little what package their sausages come in. Is this right or wrong? That’s why we are here, to the ladies out there; take a second to think about your last romp on the sack, can you confidently name the brand he used? Are you even sure he used one? As for the guys, I’d like to hear from you, do you agree with my assumption? Do you have stories to support it or not? Use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.

PS: I’d like to congratulate those who won themselves invites to The Naked Convos #1. If you won and still haven’t gotten your invite, kindle send an email to: hello@thenakedconvos.com. See y’all on Sunday.

Our Best Friends Wedding: Episode 11: Bukola

********

Rodgers Bar

********

*phone rings*

“So… are you going to pick that?”

“Erm.. no.. it’s really not important.”

“Charles Charles. It’s good to see you as always and I can see you’ve been doing good for yourself.”

“Bukola Smith just complimented me. Wow. Something isn’t just right here. Have you totally gone soft on us? Or has the good Lord finally moved into your heart?”

“Well, maybe he has and maybe it’s high time you paid him a visit too.”

“Maybe?… You know, I must say I was really surprised when you agreed to meet up with me, not after our last encounter. You just seemed to vanish after that. Noone heard anything from or about you and for Bukola Smith, that is just all kinds of strange.

“What can I say, I needed some space. I needed to find myself. I took some time away from the lies and the deceit of this world. And yes, you were right. On that journey I met God and it’s because of him I came back.”

“How come? I don’t understand?”

“The only reason I agreed to meet with you Charles is because I need to make peace with my past. I need to resolve the past so I can move on.”

Bukola broke off into a speech about friends, friendship, family and the recognizing the people who truly matter in peoples’ lives. She must have been talking for about fifteen minutes when it suddenly hit Charles. That wasn’t where he should be. He had issues from his past that also needed resolution. A repentant Bukola was certainly more than a hint for him.

Charles took out his wallet and pulled out some money. He dropped it on the table, stood and proceeded to give Bukola a forehead kiss halting her mid sentence. “Thanks for meeting me. I’m really sorry but I have to run.” With that, he stormed out of the building and dashed into his car. It was almost 11pm and he had only one destination in mind.

*******

Jades Apartment

*******

“Charles? What are you doing here? Are you ok?”

“Interrogation at the door? Can I at least come in?” Jade stepped aside and watched with a puzzled expression as Charles walked into her apartment. “You do know it’s almost midnight right? So don’t look at me like a crazy woman when I ask you if everything is okay.” Charles remained quiet. He had a smile on his face as he started walking round the living room area. He stopped at a furniture piece beside the flat screen TV and bent over to examine some of the pictures in the frames. He picked up one that had him, Jade and Kemi in it and smiled again as he examined it closely. Jade had had enough of his silence. The look on her face clearly stated she was getting impatient with Charles’ quietness but deep within her, she was concerned.

“Oh, your date. Bukky. How did that go?” Jade finally asked. Charles turned to look at her; he replaced the picture frame on the furniture piece and then responded. “Do you remember the day we took this picture?” Charles smiled again as he resumed his slow pacing round the room. “I remember that stupid party, Kemi’s crazy crazy car…. What was it’s…

“Tyler” Jade responded, also smiling. Charles looked at her then and they both laughed together, memories floating across their minds. “Who on earth names their car Tyler? Kemi is just so special.” Charles paused again. The smile on his face was now a permanent one and Jade watched him closely rooted to the same spot she had been standing close to the door. “We stayed in that ridiculous excuse for a hotel. I still don’t know how they believed Kemi and I were actually married.”

“And I was your sister. The one that had been in the UK for so many years.” Jade added.  Charles continued walking. Now making his way towards Jade, he ran his left hand across the top of one of Jade’s pink leather sofas, shook his head and then smiled again. “You know, I owe you a confession from that night.” He looked up at Jade who now had her hands wrapped around herself in an embrace. She returned his gaze with a look that said “Go on…”

Charles continued walking slowly. Towards the door, towards Jade. “That night at the hotel when Kemi went downstairs to see the manager and I was asleep in bed. Well, I wasn’t. He paused again. “You came in from the bathroom after taking your bath.. I remember you took one look at the bed and then you let your towel fall to the floor. Jade remained quiet, the expression on her face not clear even as Charles moved within a few steps from her.

“Naked. That was the first and only time I’ve seen my … Bestfriend naked despite all the talk, all the accusations. I watched you that night as you slowly worked your moisturizer on your milky skin and I just wondered. It felt completely logical, heck it just felt right but why had it never occurred to me. To us.” Charles was now standing right in front of Jade looking straight into her eyes.

*silence*

“So this is the part where I slap you and call you a perv? Jade broke the silence. She unfolded her hands and was about to turn away when Charles stopped her. He pulled her close to himself and his lips found hers. Jade held Charles in a tight embrace and kissed him back. Slowly and then like reunited lovers hungry for each other’s touch, the kissing became more intense.

Their tongues continued to dance to music only Jade seemed to be able to hear. She had waited for this moment for ten years. Just when she thought it would never come; just when she had almost given up hope, he kissed her. Charles kissed her and what a kiss it’s turning out to be. Stars collided and the moon fell in Jades world as Charles’ hands began to explore her body. “So this is what it feels like’ Jade thought to herself. Finally, she wouldn’t have to be told how it went, she would do the telling. She briefly pictured the expression on Kemi’s face as she told her but her thoughts were cut short. Charles lifted her off the floor in one swift move and moments later, they were in her room but Jade was in paradise.

Her eyes fluttered open as her nostrils tingled with the smell of freshly made coffee. He was there, sitting by her bedside holding out a tray grinning from one ear to the other. “I made you breakfast…” Charles started… “… in bed? Oh wow… So this is how you woo all your victims.” Jade completed his sentence. “Oh will you shut up and take jo.” Jade took the tray, which had a cup of coffee, a sandwich and a bowl of grapes on it. She then placed it beside her and drew into him to kiss him.

The kissing continued for a long time until Charles pulled away from her.. “Your coffee…. It will get cold.” Jade was adamant. She tried to kiss Charles again but he pulled back. “Look at her… so much for you not being horny…” Jade pulled away and then rolled her eyes. “Well good morning Mr. Freaking Ego.” She finally said. Charles responded with a soft laugh and watched as Jade took a bite from her sandwich. “I know, I know… It’s good. You don’t have to tell me.” She shot a sarcastic look at him and continued with her meal.

“Look, we have to talk…” “Ok.. I’m listening” She responded with a mouthful of the sandwich. Charles moved closer to her on the bed and held her free hand. “Jade. Last night was… ” He paused as if for effect and let his words hang. He took a deep breath and then continued. “Last night was all kinds of amazing… “

“But? There’s a but? What’s with all this drama Charles, what?

“Look, I just think it’s best we don’t explore this. I think it will…”

“It will what? What Charles? You’re going to give me that clichéd speech about how it’s going to ruin our friendship. How it’ll all be good for a couple of weeks and then we’ll turn and go at each other like a frustrated married couple?”

Charles tried to speak but Jade continued. “Well, here’s some news for you Charles, I invented that freaking story and I’ve been telling it to everyone for the past ten years so except your version has some sick twist at the end, please save it.” She pulled her hand away from his and pushed aside her tray. Charles took a deep breath and tried to talk. “It’s just… we just… you just mean so much to me as a friend and we really don’t know if this is more than the physical”

“Oh no … no no no Charles. You didn’t just say that.” Jade got off the bed dragging the duvet along with her. She made the duvet into a wrapper and cover herself before she turned to Charles. “You know, maybe you are the selfish egotistical dude some people make you out to be after all. You need to speak for yourself because even a blind man could see my feeling for you a mile away. You know what, never mind. I should have known.”

“Jadesola… just calm down and listen to me…”

“Listen to what Charles? Listen to what? Uhn uhn.. I’m done. You know what, can you please leave. I can’t handle this right now.”

“Seriously, Jade. You want me out?”

“Yes Charles. Get out of my house.”

************

Hey people. just two more to go… If you haven’t been following the series, use this link here to read the previous episodes. OBFW is jointly written by @cikk0 and I and we’d like to say a huge thank you to the guys at Barows 21 for sponsoring it. Now to today’s magazine giveaway.

Which episode did Charles declare the following to his friends:  “The search is over!”?  The first person to give the right answer wins. Please remember to comment with an original email address. Also, past winners are not allowed to participate in the competition holding the week after theirs. Good luck.

The Shrink & I

The phone rings. I tell him to ignore it. I pull him back into bed, into the softness of my hands and the warmth of my embrace. His lips, softer than marsh-mellows, his body, firm and securing. I lust after him even while he’s with me. His heart, his mind, his everything… I’m in love with. He lays it all on me. Legs wrapped round his waist. I want more. I always want more. Our blissful image fades away as the stares and the jeers from the faces around us become more intense.

I’ve known Gbenga for 3 years and we’ve been together for a little over 2 of those wonderful years. He is married to a bitch. She literally drives him crazy. Despite his huge manly frame, it isn’t hard to know who the man of his house is. I’ll always remain thankful to her though. I’ll always be thankful she annoyed him so much he wandered into that bar. The same bar I was that night. He started with one shot and then more followed.  I had noticed him the moment he walked in and as I sat in the corner watching him, I knew he needed help. I knew he needed my help.

I became Gbenga’s shrink that night and days after, he opened his broken self to me. Maybe it’s because we have a lot in common, or maybe I’m just a damn good doctor. For whatever reason, he felt comfortable confiding in me and for the first time since he got married, Gbenga told someone he was scared of his wife. Her presence frightened him and he said he was sure the reason she hadn’t gotten pregnant for him was because his seeds could never germinate in her evil garden.

Our sessions continued for a long time before I hinted him about my feelings and even then, I knew I had to be careful. Not only does it go against professional ethics, I also didn’t want to scare him off. He was always so happy to get on my consulting couch. On it, he becomes the man he truly is; he laughs at my jokes and even cracks some too. Memories of his wife completely fade away whenever he rests on Lucy (yes, I named my couch).

The first cut they say is the deepest – not with Gbenga. It felt almost as if he expected it, almost as it he wanted it, almost as if he knew. Lucy became our spot for many weeks after that and I just knew he had to be mine. But the only way it will work is if he leaves his wife. I didn’t suggest it,  it was him. He knew we would have to adopt kids because I can’t have any. He knew he would have to face his wife and eventually face the world someday. Well, today is that day. Here I stand in his parents living room holding his hand firmly, watching for reactions as the words left his mouth: “Papa, this is the man I love and want to marry.”

*****

On the 24th of July 2011, same-sex marriage became legal in the U.S. state of New York sparking off conversations in many quarters. I co-wrote this piece with a member of the community here, @FoluShaw because we feel the time is right to bring this discussion to the fore.

There’s no denying the fact that we have homosexual men and women living in our society, some we know, others we don’t. Some of us openly judge them while others embrace them. As this is a very touchy subject, I’d like to plead for us to be as objective as possible with our comments. I’d like to hear your views on the subject starting with your personal opinion on homosexuality and our society. Use the comment box to speak your mind.

PS: We still have a few invites to give away to our event, The Naked Convos #1 holding this Sunday. To win invites today, you’ll have to follow the @TheNakedConvos twitter handle and look out for the challenge later in the day. Good luck.

N is for NO.

Hey everyone. Hope your weekend was half as good as mine (I strongly doubt this tho J ). So, I really wont be posting much this week; like I said last week, I’ll be talking a lot about our transition to the new site as well as The naked Convos #1. Like I said last week, I’ve gotten the sponsors to give us twenty invites to give away so between now and Wednesday, I have to find ways to give them all out.

Before we get to that, today’s post is a throwback. I wrote this a while ago for a friends blog and based on some recent events, I thought it’d be good to post it here so ….

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DMX once rapped “Tired of weak ass niggas whining over p*ssy that don’t belong to them” (Party up in here). A lot of times when I hear people talk about rejection and the fear of it, it’s mostly women doing the talking. Especially with our African women, they find the idea of a gurl asking a guy out almost ludicrous not to talk about a woman proposing to a guy. There really isn’t much to think about here because no matter the excuse we try to hide behind, and there are loads of them, from cultural to religious implications (yup, I’ve heard them all), the plain and simple truth is that we are all scared of rejection.

That being said; there’s a very thick line, heck, it’s more like a gorge between post-rejection wallowing and whining over something was never and probably could never be yours. Well, today, I’m not going to talk about the stereotype; no sir, contrary to what most people think, post-rejection wallowing/whining is also very common with men. It’s quite sad to see how a lot of guys misunderstand rejection for fronting or invitation for persistence. Don’t get me wrong, our women front, there’s no debate there. And sometimes, a little bit of persistence isn’t bad (Ask Obama and Michele) but you need to learn where to draw the line. Let me spell it out for you: sometimes – no, in fact, most times, No means NO!

You’re good looking ….. NO!

You drive a good car ….. NO!

You have a good job ….. NO!

No matter how much of a catch you seem to be by ‘popular standards’, I think being able to ‘humble’ yourself to the point where you can accept and process rejection (in all forms) is a very important quality. It’s sort of like being able to laugh at yourself (not at your own jokes), I mean, being able to look in the mirror after making a major mistake and then laughing at your own stupidity. A lot of men need to understand and accept the fact that not all women in the world want Mr. Perfect (some will rather have Mr. Just Ok, Mr. good looking with a temper or Mr. Ugly with a long John)

In conclusion, I’d like to add that the inability to process rejection is not only inherent in good looking or ‘seemingly’ hawt men. Even the not-so-perfect guys sometimes fail to understand why she won’t give them a shot. You might be tempted to ask “what exactly is their problem?” To respond to that, I’ll quote @LagosHunter: “just as some ‘hawt’ people have inferiority complex”, so do ‘not so’ hawt people have a superiority complexes.” And that simply explain it. Anyways, I guess the best way to find answers is to get you guys in on it. You know the drill; use the comment box to speak your mind. Why do you think people find it so hard to accept the word “NO”.

*****

And now, for todays, give away. I’ll be giving out five invites today and there are two ways to win.

I have here three very random numbers: 31, 57 and 74. If your comment comes in on either of those numbers, you’ll get a free invite to The Naked Convos #1.

Secondly, I’ve hidden two invites with two passwords in two of our old posts. The first two people to find the invites and come here to put up a comment with the post title under, which they appear as well as the password win invites. Good luck.

PS: Please make sure to comment with a valid email address and also, ensure you’ll be free to attend the event before participating.

Announcement: The Naked Convos #1


Whoosh. Yes people, you read that right, The Naked Convos #1, our first offline event will be holding on the 31st of July. This event is one of the activities we have lined up for our 1st year anniversary and our transition to our full website. Yes, http://www.thenakedconvos.com will go live on Monday 8th of August 2011. I’ll be putting up more info before then so you’ll understand the reasons for the movement and the choice of the name later on.

The Naked Convos Series is an interactive initiative designed to create safe spaces where young men and women can engage in open and honest conversations particularly about love, sex and relationships with an infusion of music, spoken words and other activities.

The Naked Convos #1 will hold on Sunday 31st of July from 5:30pm – 9pm. It will be hosted by the wonderful Gbemi ‘Mz411’ Olateru-Olagbegi while I’ll be curating. The event will feature a very diverse panel of conversation starters as well as exciting performances from some of the best vocalists around, spoken word artiste and also fun adult games.

Now, the first event is what we’ll like to call a ‘test event’. As a result, we cannot accommodate all our readers :(… This is something we hope to hold regularly so we are very particular about getting it right.

However, I have spoken to the sponsors and supporting organizations and we have been able to reach a reasonable compromise which will allow us give out some free invites to the event next week so please stick around. So if you’re really interested in attending, please keep your next week Sunday free. Also, you’ll be able to follow the event on twitter via the #TNC1 hashtag with live blogging provided by @otegaogra through @TheNakedConvos handle.

Finally, I’ll like to give a HUGE shout out to the good people of James Hillwood, Brookstone Consulting, Ayaba, Barows 21, Naledi’s Clothing  and of course you guys out there for making this possible. For those who know, this journey started well over four years ago and I can tell you we’re only just beginning. Here’s to many more years ahead. Cheers.

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