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Monday Rush

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Tell a tale.

Hey people. Whew. I really don’t know how to thank y’all for making #TNC1 a huge success. I must say I was overwhelmed and I’d like to appreciate everyone who turned up. I have to give a special s/o to our sponsors: Barows21, Naledis Clothing, Ayaba as well as our panelists, our wonderful host, Gbemi Olateru-Olagbegi and also @otegaogra who kept people updated via twitter.

For those who missed it, you can catch up on what went down by searching for the event hashtag #TNC1 on twitter. We’ll also have pictures and possibly videos up later this week.

Ok, so, it’s almost 2am here and as much as I would like to take a break today, I have decided not to. Instead, I’m going to do something I’ve wanted to do for a while now. I have a folder on my system where I throw in stuff I don’t think is good enough for blog. From time to time, I’m going to be posting stuff from that folder just so you guys know we’re not writing demigods here. So here goes… Kindly share your comments, disses and the likes using the comment box. Cheers.

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It’s all about fairy tales today. Snow white had the dwarves, Cinderella had the fairy Godmother, Aladdin had a genie. If you were given a piece of paper and pen and asked to write a fairy tale for yourself, how would it go? Will you start out poor, widowed or as an orphan? Will there be a villain and a hero? Or lets even make things more interesting, how about if you could remix a fairy tale? How would it go? Hmmm…

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This is the story of a girl named Rahpunzo and it starts with the sun.

Now, once upon a time, a single drop of sunlight fell from the heavens and from this small drop of sun grew a magic green plant. It had the ability to erm… well, make people feel good.

Somehow, a depressed, single, bitter, horny and dreadlocked 40-something year old woman stumbled on the magical green plant. Years passed and a kingdom emerged around the area. The kingdom was ruled by a beloved king and queen. And the queen was about to have a baby but then she got depressed. Like really really depressed (from boredom of course). Her depression started affecting her pregnancy so much, she started looking really sick and that’s when the king and other citizens began to look for miracles or in this case, a magic green plant.

You see, instead of sharing the suns gift, the bitter woman whose name was Mother Gagoo, hoarded its feel good power. She also realized the plant made her dreads look cooler and all she had to do was sing a special song.

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baby mi show colour e…

Yellow model cheese

Yellow model sipping

Yellow lamborghini

yellow top missing..

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look at me now.

look t me now … oh

fresh than a mother fo

(s/o to @kidkonnect for this remix)

*****

All right you get the gist, she sings to it, her dreadlocks straighten out, look cooler than Whoppi Goldberg’s … cool right?

Gagoo grew careless with the plant and the people eventually found it. Not knowing what to do with it, the kingdoms only doctor prepared the plant for the queen. All he did really was chop it up a little and wrap it up in some parchment paper for the queen to light up. The magic of the green plant made the queen ‘feel good’ again.

A healthy baby girl, a princess was born with beautiful dreadlocks. They named her Rahpunzo.

To celebrate her birth, the king and queen ordered the KEPA (Kingdom Electric Power Authority) to leave the lights on for a whole day, even for people who owed. Before that one moment, everything was perfect. And then that moment ended. Gagoo broke into the Kings villa, stole the princess and just like that – she was gone. The people of the kingdom searched and searched but they could not find the princess.

But deep in the Okija forest, in a hidden tower, Gagoo raised the child as her own. Gagoo had found her new magic plant. All she had to do was hold the baby before a fireplace, take in deep breaths and it had the same effect as singing to the plant. This time however, she was determined to keep the child hidden.

“Why can’t I go outside Mama.”

“The outside world is a dangerous place filled with horrible selfish people. You must stay here where you’re safe, do you understand ganja (a petname she often called Rahpunzo)?”

“Yes Mama.”

But the walls of that tower could not hide everything. Each year on her birthday, the king and queen commanded KEPA to flicker the lights all through the night in hope that one-day, their lost princess would notice the sign and return.

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N is for NO.

Hey everyone. Hope your weekend was half as good as mine (I strongly doubt this tho J ). So, I really wont be posting much this week; like I said last week, I’ll be talking a lot about our transition to the new site as well as The naked Convos #1. Like I said last week, I’ve gotten the sponsors to give us twenty invites to give away so between now and Wednesday, I have to find ways to give them all out.

Before we get to that, today’s post is a throwback. I wrote this a while ago for a friends blog and based on some recent events, I thought it’d be good to post it here so ….

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DMX once rapped “Tired of weak ass niggas whining over p*ssy that don’t belong to them” (Party up in here). A lot of times when I hear people talk about rejection and the fear of it, it’s mostly women doing the talking. Especially with our African women, they find the idea of a gurl asking a guy out almost ludicrous not to talk about a woman proposing to a guy. There really isn’t much to think about here because no matter the excuse we try to hide behind, and there are loads of them, from cultural to religious implications (yup, I’ve heard them all), the plain and simple truth is that we are all scared of rejection.

That being said; there’s a very thick line, heck, it’s more like a gorge between post-rejection wallowing and whining over something was never and probably could never be yours. Well, today, I’m not going to talk about the stereotype; no sir, contrary to what most people think, post-rejection wallowing/whining is also very common with men. It’s quite sad to see how a lot of guys misunderstand rejection for fronting or invitation for persistence. Don’t get me wrong, our women front, there’s no debate there. And sometimes, a little bit of persistence isn’t bad (Ask Obama and Michele) but you need to learn where to draw the line. Let me spell it out for you: sometimes – no, in fact, most times, No means NO!

You’re good looking ….. NO!

You drive a good car ….. NO!

You have a good job ….. NO!

No matter how much of a catch you seem to be by ‘popular standards’, I think being able to ‘humble’ yourself to the point where you can accept and process rejection (in all forms) is a very important quality. It’s sort of like being able to laugh at yourself (not at your own jokes), I mean, being able to look in the mirror after making a major mistake and then laughing at your own stupidity. A lot of men need to understand and accept the fact that not all women in the world want Mr. Perfect (some will rather have Mr. Just Ok, Mr. good looking with a temper or Mr. Ugly with a long John)

In conclusion, I’d like to add that the inability to process rejection is not only inherent in good looking or ‘seemingly’ hawt men. Even the not-so-perfect guys sometimes fail to understand why she won’t give them a shot. You might be tempted to ask “what exactly is their problem?” To respond to that, I’ll quote @LagosHunter: “just as some ‘hawt’ people have inferiority complex”, so do ‘not so’ hawt people have a superiority complexes.” And that simply explain it. Anyways, I guess the best way to find answers is to get you guys in on it. You know the drill; use the comment box to speak your mind. Why do you think people find it so hard to accept the word “NO”.

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And now, for todays, give away. I’ll be giving out five invites today and there are two ways to win.

I have here three very random numbers: 31, 57 and 74. If your comment comes in on either of those numbers, you’ll get a free invite to The Naked Convos #1.

Secondly, I’ve hidden two invites with two passwords in two of our old posts. The first two people to find the invites and come here to put up a comment with the post title under, which they appear as well as the password win invites. Good luck.

PS: Please make sure to comment with a valid email address and also, ensure you’ll be free to attend the event before participating.

Rules of (Dis)engagement.

Hey everyone. *dodges tomatoes* Y’all know I can’t hold out on you like that.. :). So, I’m excited this morning. Why? Well, for starters I’m still off work so…booyah…. Today’s also the birthday of a very very good friend and finally, the countdown to the awesome month of August when we celebrate out first year anniversary officially begins this week. Make sure you check back for details of activities we have lined up.

Now, today’s post might come off as a joke (especially to the ladies) but I’d like to see the talking points that spin off it. It was written by a good friend of mine, Biodun .F. (@biodunf) and no he’s not a blogger.

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The people with science backgrounds and pretty much everyone who has seen The Matrix or some other out-of-this-world sci-fi action movie should know that there are always glitches in systems that allow you do the ‘extra ordinary’. (Neo stopping bullets) For those of us that have been in a relationship for a bit and have gotten involved in some ‘extra-curricular’ activities, I’m here to vindicate you and help get you out of that tight corner whenever you get caught.

Over time I’ve come across certain rules that allow guys or even girls have some sort of ‘hall pass’ out of their relationships and I’d just like to share them.

Time Zone:  If you cheat on your partner in another time zone, say maybe you are in Nigeria and he/she is in the US, IT’S NOT CHEATING!!! I’ll explain. One of you is in the future and the other is in the past, so you are technically not dating at that time in the future. Who knows if you guys would still be in a relationship in the next 4 hours.

Mile High: We all know what the mile high club is, right? (well… basically that’s having sex in an in-flight airplane for more info check out: www.milehighclub.com). So here is the loophole; you are on land and your partner is way up in the air. IT’S NOT CHEATING!!!  The exclusivity rules don’t apply. The air up there is different from down here and the rules of gravity and hence all other rules don’t apply. If you don’t believe me refer to page 72 of Principles of Physics by P.N. Okeke. (Seriously … stop that)

Travelling Back in Time: Here’s a favourite. It’s indirectly related to Okafor’s law i.e. sleeping with an ex. If your partner catches you in bed with an ex, NO, IT’S NOT CHEATING!!!  You’ve already shagged the ex in the past, so it’s not like you’re doing something new, right?

Different Race: Here’s another good one. If you are getting some on the side with someone of a different race, guess what… IT’S NOT CHEATING!!! Let me explain, you are black and she’s white, it’s neither here nor there. Like they say ‘it’s a GREY area’. In fact, some take it as far as saying cheating with someone who speaks a different language doesn’t count. I personally can’t explain that one yet, so if you get caught doing that, you are on your own.

Life or Death: Remember the movie ‘Without a paddle’? Remember that scene where three guys were caught in the rain in the middle of the jungle and they had no means of keeping warm besides snuggling up? And then that R.Kelly song came on, ‘……my minds telling me no, but my body, my body is telling me YEAH!!!’. Ok so picture getting caught in that Lagos flood last week with someone of the opposite sex, say maybe in some cave in Alagbado or Ajangbadi. It’s cold as hell and the only way to keep warm is to … erm… ‘snuggle up’ with other person. Your boyfriend/girlfriend wouldn’t mind you getting a couple of warm thrusts to keep you alive, would they? Would you?  In fact the person you slept with might even get a medal for bravery, yes? No?

So there they are, I bet some of you have some more interesting ideas of getting out of those tight corners. So back to you toolsman and thanks for having me here.

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Joke? Yes? No? Maybe? This morning has certainly been about the jokes. I’ll definitely like to hear your thoughts on this one. Use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.

Best thing you never had.

Hey everyone. Whoosh. What an interesting week last week was. Just too many talking points. We’ll get to them over the rest of the month. Now, todays post was inspired by King B herself – Beyonce. Yup. Contrary to what most of my female readers think, I don’t hate Bey I only think Kelly is way way cooler. In fact, one of the things I knocked off my ‘achievement list’ yes, I have one of those last week was copping her ‘4’ album. This post is however not a review of the album, I already did that on twitter.

One of the tracks on Beyonce’s album, her newest single as a matter of fact has a video out. And as I watched her clad in a beautiful wedding dress if I do say so myself… yes, seeing her in lingerie was’t the only beautiful thing in the video crooning the lyrics:

I wanted you bad
I’m so through with that
Cause honestly you turned out to be
The best thing I never had
And I’m gon’ always be
The best thing you never had

Check the video here —> Best thing I never had.

Yes ladies, those are the correct lyrics.. if only, you’d stop looking at the male model she got married to in the video and get back to the post.. thank you..

As I was saying, watching Bey say those words got me thinking, wondering about them. Best. Thing. You. Never. Had. A quick run through some of the comments we had here last week and some of the conversations going on in my social media world last week made me realize just how much a lot of us have bottled up inside. Maybe it’s the hypocritical nature of our culture  no apologies here or it’s just us a nation, as a people, because it’s something I’ve noticed over time; black people are experts at bottling things up, stringing emotions and holding on to our past.

I tried to get the guys here to loosen up a bit last week when I put up the ‘Living with Marvin‘ post. Well, read the comments and see for yourself what happened. So today, I’ve decided to adopt the only technique that has been proven to work with black folks when trying to get us talk.. Rants.

Yup, you heard that right. Forget what you saw in Beyonces video, when you’re worth over a million dollars, married to someone worth well over triple that amount, you can afford to have a smile on your face while you’re ranting.  Anyways, so the task today is simple.. ok, ok, not-so-simple. If you could picture yourself standing face to face with that one person you once thought you couldn’t live without, that one person you thought was the best for you and some even said that you guys were bound to get married, that one person who totally fooled you and ripped your heart out of your ass…

Yes, if you could stand face to face with he or she right now, taking into consideration how far you’ve moved on, how much you’ve achieved (or not) since you left him or her. If you could stand looking them straight in the eyes and say pretty much anything… what will those words be and why?

So, there you go. Use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.

PS: Voting for the Nigerian Blog Awards has now come to an end. I’d just like to say a HUGE thank you to you guys for nominating and voting for us. Here’s hoping we win something at least.

Living with Marvin.

Hey everyone, before we get into todays post, I’d just like to quickly run through two things. Firstly, I’ve been accused by a lot of people, especially on twitter, for failing to keep them updated with new posts here. I’d like to apologize again and just state that I stopped mentioning too many people on new post alerts cause the list had grown remarkably over time and mentioning everyone would come off as spamming a lot of timelines. I think things have pretty much stabilized here now and we have an almost regular post timetable which I’d like to share.

MON – Monday Rush

TUE – Betty Tuesdays

WED – Wednesday Dialogue

THU – Exclusive Series (Our Best Friends Wedding)

FRI – Wet Fridays

*SUN – Sunday Polls

All posts except Sunday Polls are pretty much regular and they come up at 10am daily. The Sunday Polls come up occasionally on Sunday evenings. If you’re still having issues subscribing here (Subscribing doesn’t mean you get emails whenever people comment, you only get notifications when new posts go up), please bookmark this link –> http://bitly.com/toolsman. Thats the blog homepage where you’ll see all the posts put up arranged orderly.

Secondly, voting continues for the Nigerian Blog Awards and you can still vote for us and all your favorite blogs here –> VOTE.

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Now to today’s business. Let’s take a walk down emotional lane. Today, I want to talk to the dudes. Well, the ladies are welcome to listen too since we know you guys are here anyways. So, I can’t say enough about my love for music. Recently, I heard the new single from Drake titled Marvin’s room off his forthcoming album tentatively called ‘Take Care’.

The moment I heard the first chorus of the song I knew it was one of those tunes that would drive some sort of controversy. Why? Drake did something most rappers find very hard to do. Write and properly deliver something bound to make such an emotional impact. For those who haven’t heard the tune, you can download it here, give it a listen and then come back.

If your internet is shitty, here’s a quick summary ‘Drake paints a scene in which he’s wasted late at night, missing an old love. It’s vaguely similar to the storyline of Lady Antebellum‘s ‘Need You Now’ — except that he knows his ex has a new man, and he doesn’t care.‘ Now, here’s the interesting bit. Lets take a look at the lyrics to the chorus:

Fuck that n*gga that you love so bad

I know you still think about the times we had

I say fuck that n*gga that you think you found

And since you picked up I know he’s not around

I’m just sayin, you could do better

Tell me have you heard that lately

I’m just saying you could do better

And I’ll start hating, only if you make me

I’m sure a lot of guys heard that bit and went “Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. Tell ’em Drake.. tell those compromising a** sisters the truth they don’t tell themselves”.. Well, like I said, Drake did something most rappers wont do. Yeah, he sings and all but because he still has a reputation to protect he couldn’t come all out singing/rapping what I think he really wanted to say (Not every rapper can be Diddy). Now, I know what the chorus says but every time I listen to it, here’s what I hear:

Fuck me for hurting you so bad

I know I still think about the times we had

Fuck me for thinking you couldn’t find another

I was praying he wont be around so you’d pickup

I’m just saying, I know you can do better (than me)

I know you heard that a lot while with me

I’m just saying, I know you can do better (than me)

I know I’m hating but please don’t hate me

What am I getting at? Drake comes across as trying to get his ex to cheat/come back to him but upon closer examination, you’ll feel bad for him because he comes of as desperate, lonely and heart-broken. Tell me, how many guys… no, scratch that, how many BLACK men will ever ‘easily and/or openly’ admit to all these things or even one of them as a result of losing a woman?

I listen to songs like Mario’s The Hardest Moment from the D.N.A album on which he sang:

Girl you should go left and I will go right

We wasted enough time

But I think we should kiss

So we can take it with us to play in our minds

And if you feel a tear falling on your lips

Then girl that would be mine

Cause I’m a man that ain’t afraid to cry

See a man that ain’t afraid to cry is a man that ain’t afraid to die

And I just wonder how many black men can truly relate to the words. I got out of my last relationship after a couple of years and though things ended somewhat amicably, I’ve always admitted to close friends that the whole thing hit me – badly. I wallowed (in my own way) for a couple of months and even after then, bumping into each other whenever we had to meet up with mutual friends was always near traumatic for me. But it wasn’t until I openly expressed my emotions that I began to get better (you don’t want to know how many “consoling” women are out there).

Jokes apart, today is all about the guys sharing. The ladies can always help (by consoling) or sharing experiences as well but I’d really like to hear the guys talk about their emotional moments and how they went about dealing with them. Use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.

R.I.P. Chi

Hey People.. Let my start by giving a MASSIVE shout out to you guys. I just checked the Nominees for the  Nigerian Blog Awards 2011 and we’ve been nominated in 5 categories. Wow. Im just so so overwhelmed and I’m also glad to see some of my favourite blogs got nominated too (s/o #TeamSawaleh).. It’s time to make the nominations count. You can start voting now using this link: here. Once again. Thank you guys.

I first met Chi when I was about ten. I think it was at my Grandmothers place and it was totally coincidental. My Granny’s next door neighbor was a showstopper. Her name was Anne (Can I ever forget). Anyways, it was my first time spending my holidays at Granny’s place and after playing outside for a bit, I started heading back in and that was when I saw them.. well, her. Anne was lifting two boxes and walking towards her apartment door. I must have stayed on that spot staring for ages. Then I came to my senses when this dude who I later found out was Chi, nudged me and told me what I needed to do. Without processing what he said, I ran towards Anne, half mumbling, I said “please let me help you with those”. Before getting her answer, I took the boxes from her and helped her take them into her apartment. For my efforts, I got a peck (on the cheek) and Anne called me a perfect gentleman. All thanks to Chi. We became inseparable from that moment.

Chi was just so good with the ladies. We met in the university. He had quite a few friends back then but I wasn’t immediately drawn to him cause I just thought he was a living gimmick who was also kinda weird. But I later found out he wasn’t from around here so I and my friends eventually accepted him and when he began rubbing off on my friends and I, that was when I knew he was special. He helped me learn so much more about women and in no time, striking the right chord with the ladies was so so easy.

Because of Chi, I learnt to cook. lol. Don’t be so quick to say thats a good thing oh.. because I totally did it to save my life. The crazy boy somehow got into my head and convinced me to always pay for (at least) the first three dates I went to with ladies. That might not sound so bad but back then, I had just left school, earning a ridiculous salary on my first job and I wasn’t the luckiest with the ladies so those first three dates came by pretty often. Solution was for me to learn how to cook and make sure dates 2 and 3 were at my place. Result was that my fortunes changed with the women and I discovered a talent I never knew I had. A talent that now earns me a mighty load of money. He will be missed.

I remember when I told Chi I was going to ask Jennifer to marry me. After his many congratulations, he added “You do know you have to be the first to change your Facebook relationship status”. If you didn’t know the kind of person he was, you’d wonder why on earth he thought of that at that particular point in time. But that was the Chi I grew up with. And you can imagine how much guilt I felt as I changed my Facebook status to “married” after I heard about his death.

I still can’t believe it. In fact, I know it’s not true because he always said it. Just like Jesus, he predicted his own death. He said a time would come when most people would be so mean and wouldn’t be able to process most of the things he had taught me especially about being a gentleman. When women would laugh at you for opening their doors or think you were ‘over-doing’ it by pulling up a chair for them at the dinner table. Yes, he said it. He said women would begin to think it is their prerogative to sleep on the dry side of the bed after sex. A lot of men would bullshit his teachings by applying them to only good-looking women. As social media advanced and his prophesies began to come to past, his depression began. We all thought he’d survive it. But…. Rest in peace my good friend. Chivalry.

Today I have a few questions. Firstly, do you think Chivalry is dead in these parts? Was it ever alive? If your answer to the first question is yes, then I’d like to know why you think so. If not, please share instances and maybe some experiences with us. or should I have started with the definition of Chivalry? Use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.

What men DONT want.

Hey people. Start of another week and despite my ridiculously short weekend, I’ve decided to remain positive. So I was going through so of my old posts and I realized I had done two quite similar posts in the past. One on ‘what women want‘ and another on ‘what a girl needs‘. I began to wonder why I hadn’t done a similar post on men and the first answer that came to mind was maybe because there’s this general assumption as regards what men want from the opposite sex. Ask most women and even some men and their answers will probably not vary much. The world has stereotyped the wants of men when it comes to the opposite sex to mostly physical. If that’s the case and the world knows what we want from women, so what then don’t we want?

Most of lastweek I spent my very little free time re-reading Malcolm Gladwells Outliers (excellent read for those who haven’t read it) and this book always  gets me wondering about the powers of statistics. Now some of the findings in the book are results of years and years of research carried out on thousands of people. As much as I would love to do that, I really don’t have the time.. well.. and the money. So I decided to take my chances with yet another no-so-survey. I rounded up three very vocal and opinionated young men from different backgrounds and I asked them one question:

What are the top five things that put you off a woman in their order of importance?

These were their answers:

@FreshPrinzVick
5. Inability to hold an intelligent conversation: I like to talk a lot, about anything and everything. So its important that she’s able to match that. I’m not asking for a know-it-all (Olorunmaje), I just want a girl who knows how to express herself when she’s got an opinion or shut up, listen & occasionally chip in when she doesn’t.
4. Sense of style (Fashion-wise): I’m not asking for a Gucci, Louis, Prada Hoochie. No sir, clothes (handbags & shoes) don’t make the lady.. I believe the key factor here isn’t the tag but the lady wearing them.
3. Sense of humour: If you can watch a whole episode of Seinfeld & your lips don’t even curve even a wee little bit then you’ve lost me. I’m sorry but Basketmouth don’t count. You’ve lost me.
2. Sexual Orientation: I’m not asking if you’re gay or straight. I want to know what your opinion on sex is and honestly I’d like to know what your sexual appetite is like. Not asking if you’re ‘gonna bang’ either.
1. Clingy Babes: You’re bored and I’m busy at the office but you think I should chat with you via BBM all day??? #Jonzing.

@DemiladeR
5. Speech: major turn off if she cannot speak properly. I’m talking eloquence, diction and use of vocabulary. Pronunciation also. Don’t want to be talking to a girl that pronounces “teeth” as “theet” or “throat” as “troth”.
4. Hygiene: body odor or mouth odor or both.
3. Appearance: I love stylish girls that know how to dress and know what outfit is best for their body and not wear the wrong stuff cause it’s in vogue. Makes them look out of place. Big tummy and no hips? Drop the high waisted skirt.
2. Overly dependent: Big NO!
1. And most importantly…. Feet. That’s what I use to judge. If you ain’t got good looking feet or well taken care of ones… it turns me off.

@KevinWithAnL
5. Emotionless: well, this only applies when things are serious… The inability to express feelings and/or desires physically or otherwise ticks me off!
4. No goal(s): if I discover you’re just a ‘anywhere belle face’ chic, all about eateries and shopping! No plans for life… I can’t
3. No humor: if she’s not spot on with my jokes, retorts or comments and I have to explain or I notice she’s not sharp enough to understand.
2. Artificialness (for lack of a better word): Any girl that can’t be comfy without the plastic things, fake lashes, nails..All Fake everything etc…nope!
1. Her voice: I enjoy conversation, so if your voice ain’t worth hearing, I shut down.

PS: I didn’t mention beauty, this is because, for me, its the FIRST deal-breaker. If u haven’t got that, we can’t even get here!

Now, if you take a good look at the three responses, you’ll notice that some things stand out.

Sense of Style/Artificalness/Appearance –> Appearance
Clingy Babes/Overly Dependent/No goals –> Dependence
Sense of humour/No humour –> Humour

Now, I also asked some of my friends this same question and though I didn’t document their answers, I realized there was a pattern. The men of my generation were particular about their women’s appearance. They wanted them to exhibit some measure of independence and they wanted women who could not only relate with their sense of humour but also bring on the laughter from time to time.

I’m glad Kelvin added that last bit to his response because that’s assumed to be a constant. This discovery was however surprising to me and I could branch out from here into several theories but that would require more discussion and surveys. Until I can amass that much time and money, I’d have to rely on you guys. For the guys, I’d like your answer to the same question. If you agree with the guys I interviewed then simply express your opinion as per why you think the three things I highlighted really stood out. For the ladies, please don’t be left out, do you think the guys were being completely honest? Use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.

PS: If you missed the poll from yesterday, please check it here.

Heed them not.

Hey everyone. I was pretty close to putting up my first ‘untitled’ post today but luckily/unluckily, I read the post put up on @KevinWithAnL’s blog by @MsCantFindAName on Saturday and initially, I was tempted to do a reply to the post but I later changed my mind and decided to share something I’d had in mind for a while instead.

Step aside guys, this one’s for the sisters. Well, maybe not, because if you can successfully preach this sermon to your wife/girlfriend/side-chic e.t.c, trust me, they’ll come off better I think. After much research, in my mind I’ve come up with yet another not-so-list of the top 5 people our women should never really listen to/take advice from. So let’s get into it.

Beyonce
Call her Beyonce, Bey, Destiny’s first child, or as she now calls herself, ‘King B’, singer and actress, Beyonce Knowles tops my list of people women really should never take advice from and my reasons are not far-fetched. I think she’s just pretty much confused and confusing. I mean, why on earth do you do a single ladies anthem when you’ve not been single in ages? Why would you get women who look like a certain former radio oap here in Nigeria God forgive me singing the lines: “I can have another you in a minute?” She whines broke ass sisters so much that they start singing the lines “let me upgrade you…” and I’m like upgrade me with what exactly? The combined height of the 2 pairs of 6 inch heels  you own? As if this isn’t bad enough, the first single off her new album drums the lyrics “…who run the world? Girls!” into the ears of women and funny thing is, some are starting to believe this too. My 50 kobo advise, if your man is significantly bigger than you physically and he has drinking/smoking habits, kindly side step that song or better still listen from a distance.

Ugly Friends
They have existed since forever and every girl has them yes, even that oap I spoke about earlier too. What I just don’t understand is why our women allow them to influence their choices/decisions. I know you have little or no influence on who advises you on what and when. This is Nigeria, people love giving their opinions even on discussions they weren’t invited into. But if you’re going to take advice from anyone at all, especially about your man/relationships, why on earth will you listen to the ermm.. ‘unprettiest’ of all your friends. You know she wishes she has your man, heck, she’s probably offered him a lifetime membership card for her pumpum, which he probably turned down, out of respect for you so why do you take advice from her. Please don’t get it twisted, the ugly friend in question can also be a guy. In this case, he’s just plain hating on your man for coming to steal away his closest shot at being considered as a possible partner of a remarkably hawt woman. If you don’t have any other friend to take advice from create a fake twitter account and tweet questions. I’m sure you’ll get more than enough responses. Ok, ok, I kid.. but you do get my point.

Oprah
Let’s just combine most talk shows into this point but I’d have to say Oprah takes the buck. When the curtains closed on her last episode, I’m sure some men arranged for special thanksgiving at their churches. This woman has such a following that if she writes her own bible, it would probably become a worthy competition for the real thing. Maybe I should have started from the fact that that people who have twisted/unclear theories about God scare me but honestly though, as much as she’s been a source of inspiration to many black women out there, it’s easy to see that her societal status colours her judgement on a lot of issues. Besides, why would you trust relationship advice coming from a woman who has been with a guy she isn’t married to for over 25 years but is publicly seen everywhere with a female ‘bestfriend’.  I hear there’s now a term for it: ‘Stedmantization‘.

Bloggers
I’ll probably lose my head for this one but yes, I said it, BLOGGERS. To be fair tho, the ones you should really be scared of are the blogs/bloggers that put up a lot of ‘list’ related posts. ‘4 ways to find out he’s cheating‘.. ‘5 ways to know he’s a broke ass‘… ‘13 rules of dating‘… ‘3 ways to make him say your name in bed‘…
Ok, maybe not that last one but you get the idea. It’s true I’m a blogger but those discerning enough will realize how pretty much open-ended most of my posts are. I sometimes share my opinions on issues but at the end of the day, I know we are all different people in many ways so certain issues need to be contextualized and properly processed before a conclusion/decision is made. Sure, you can read and peep into the lives of others through their comments but the puck stops with you at the end of the day.

Cosmo
Some might say they’re not so different from the bloggers with their lists and all but one thing that gets to me is all the sex related lists, rules and all. ‘5 positions that will take you from ‘oh’ to ‘Oh my God”… ‘Top 3 sex toys you can buy your man‘… Well, for those who are married and have no plans to cheat, my advise is that you can read Cosmo, but only for laughs. I mean, if your man is built like Mr. Chow from the Hangover movies, he’s doggy game will just never pop no matter what the guys from Cosmo tell you.

To wrap things up, I’ll just say even though this piece might come across as a joke because of the humor behind it, there’s some truth here too. People will advise whether you like it or not. The key thing is being able to pause right before you make that decision to contextualize things. Does it really apply to me? Who gave the advice? Why should I trust the person’s opinion? e.t.c. These questions will and should always be relevant event to us guys.  So, if you think I missed out a point or you disagree with any of my points, please use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.

PS: You can still nominate us for the Nigerian Blogger Awards here: NOMINATE.

Eko o ni baje

Hey people. Hope we all had a good weekend. So, today, nominations for the Nigerian Blog Awards 2011 begin. If you like us enough to think we deserve a nomination, please do so here: NOMINATE. The bog name is TheToolsman and here’s the web address: https://thetoolsman.wordpress.com. Thanks.

This week seems to be all about story telling starting with this wonderful piece, which captures our Monday category (Monday rush). It’s written by a friend: Folorunsho Williams. Enjoy.

Ketu !

Ojota !

Iyana Oworo !

The conductor screams. “Enter with your 100 Naira I no get change o!”

I struggle to concentrate on my presentation scheduled for 8am. Stay calm young man, if they didn’t like it you wouldn’t have been called.

Behind me, two ladies discuss in hushed tones.

“Imagine the fool, telling me to follow him home after just two bottles of smearnov ize and nkwobi….mscheeeew.”

“He tink sey you be mumu. So where you dey come from now?”

“From Sunny house o.”

“Ahn ahn… I tink sey you no follow am?”

“I no wan go but as we dey comot na so I see sey na baby boy Honda Sunny dey drive now o. So I just tell am sey make e drop me for road. I come do like say slip catch me, na so I go im house o. We no do anything sha. You trust me nah.”

“Hmm.. Tina Tina. Sunny dey ride baby boy Honda.. for where, who dash am. Na keke napep Sunny still dey ride”

“Na lie, e don buy moto. I take my own eye see am”

“I say na keke napep Sunny still dey ride, no be him drop me for bus stop now now.”

I soak dis in and silently pray the bus moves faster so I can get off quickly.

“Money for front”, I search my pocket for my wallet as the driver  speeds along Ikorodu Road to the sounds of KWAM 1 screaming “Chicago… Nibi ton ti fegusi se lobster o…” (Chicago, where they cook egusi with lobster…) on the radio…

I search my suit pocket and have a sinking feeling immediately because I remember placing the wallet on the kitchen cabinet after giving my younger sister some money earlier in the morning. I can’t remember putting it back in my pockets.

“Mr. Oga give me money nah! Owo e da!”

I can’t come up with a response.

That same moment, two men jump onto the bus. One screams:

“Owo security da” (Where’s your security fee?)

The other shouts even louder, “owo nashona da?” (Where’s  your National fee?)

One of the two men bears a resemblance to Dider Drogba of Chelsea; he wears a faded Liverpool jersey with the inscription: ‘Olu omo 1’ written at the back. He drags the conductor from the bus as the driver shouts “Danger ma gba fun o” (Danger, don’t allow him o)

The other fellow is remarkably thin with a light complexion and has just a singlet on with a dirty pair of jeans. He replies “Eyin bawo, e ni duro se. A ma lu iya yin pa leni. Eyin were”

(You can’t try anything, we will beat the crap out of your mother today, you crazy people.)

Amidst the confusion the conductor goes insane, punching the body of the vehicle with amazing strength that shocks all the passengers even as he retorts “ki lo so…yeeeeeee, iya mi..”

(What did you say? Yeeeeee… My mother?)

He goes on punching as his driver alights and does the unimaginable…he strips completely naked and takes a boxers pose reminiscent of Mike Tyson skipping around while shouting “iyalaya e ma ku leni…iwo daa… comot your blow.”

(Your great great grand mother will die today.. where are you…comot your blow)

The lady behind me…who said Sunny doesn’t drive a baby boy taps me on the shoulder and says “You better come down and disappear before they return bros..dem go chop u raw o…”

I get down like a peacemaker amidst the gathering crowd and sight a huge billboard with BRF smiling and the slogan ‘Eko o ni baje’ written boldly on it just as a speeding keke napep almost runs into me. The driver is light skinned, his insults confirm my initial guess that he’s an igbo man.

Without much thought I hopped into the tricycle even as I yelled “Hire. Hire, abeg go go” … The driver calms down and starts to drive away. Just then I turned to look at the mayhem we were leaving behind and it was then I saw the graphic letterings stuck to the leather and glass covering made for the tricycle:

‘YNNUS YOB YBAB’

I manage a wry smile as we disappeared into the slowly brightening day.

END.

I must confess that I sometimes miss these kind of experiences (yes, sometimes). Anyone who has experienced Lagos should have one of such stories to tell, it’s the reason why I love this city. Think you have a funny (or not so funny) story to tell bout a Monday morning experience in Lagos (or any other busy city for that matter). Use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.

Set fire to the rain


Hey people. Hope your weekend was good. Ok, that’s that. So I’m a little bit pissed right now so y’all have to bear with me. Before I begin, let me just state that I’m shoving the bro-code to the curb today. Why? Cause I have a sister. I have female cousins and friends. I hope to have nieces and at least a daughter some day and I hope this piece right here will help them in one way or the other.

Forget religion and all, if you take one good look at yourself from head to toe with all the intricate features you were made with (no matter how beautiful/not-so-beautiful you are) and you still don’t feel enough self pride to walk away from a situation with a he/she with whom you clearly see no future then maybe I need to call the MFM folks to organize deliverance sessions here. Heck.. now that I’m even thinking about it, some of us brothers could find this info useful because the whole world seem to have lost their gaddem minds but sad thing is that most guys won’t admit to being in such situations so I’ll just keep it to the ladies.

The feeling varies from pity to sadness to anger, depending on how close I am to the victim (yes, victim) when I’m told just how ‘difficult’ or ‘impossible’ it is to walk away from him because… heck, most of the time, they can’t even come up with a good enough reason why they can’t seem to be able to leave despite the fact that they know he’s screwing some other chic / he’s head over heels for some other chic (who probably doesn’t like him half as much) / or HE’S NOT JUST THAT INTO THEM.

Well, since y’all won’t face facts and tell yourselves the truth, I’ve made it my duty to do so today. Here are some reasons why you need to set fire to the rain:

We are all SELFISH
Don’t even give me that bullcrap about how much you’ll hurt him if you walk away. This is about YOU. Yes, YOU. Not him. You’re not getting younger. Tick Tock. 23. You stick with his trifling behind. He doesn’t commit. 24. He gets into a relationship with your mutual friend, you still hang on in the name of whatever. 25. He’s single again, you think there’s hope… Smell the freaking coffee and do yourself a favour.

No woman was created for just one man
If you belong to the school of thought that disagrees with this then “wait behind for instructions” after reading this post. I think one of my favorite stats to quote is the world gender ratio. UN unofficial stats state that there are almost 9 women to 1 man now so please shove it. Don’t also go on about how there’s too much competition out there and how you’ll probably never find another. Question is, is he even yours?

The world still believes in Fairy tales
Since this is Nigeria, I might as well add this fairytale-ish point. Someone once said, if you want to know if something is yours, let it go and if it was really meant to be yours it’ll come back to you. (like I said, fairytale-ish) but yeah, if you’re so convinced he has feelings for you but can’t figure out why he can’t seem to commit, let him go (not partially, I mean delete EVERYTHING) and see what happens.

No one has ever died from emotional pain
If your excuse is not being able to handle the emotional trauma that will follow, then let me help you by stating (and yes, I did research this), that noone has ever been recorded to have died as a result of emotional hurt. You might cry, even have some sleepless nights but you won’t die.

He wont do it
If you’re still not convinced or your excuse is that you’re waiting for him to let you go then you need to know this: HE WON’T. Why? It’s sorta like what I tried to explain here. Greed is a basic human instinct (Ask Adam). He has you at his beck and call. He can have others and still come back to you so why on earth will he want to let you go?

Inserts Adele’s cd…. Someone like you…

If you’re a guy and you can relate to this, or you’re a chic and this post hit very close home, help me think up more points or share your experience by using the comment box. Speak your mind. Cheers.

PS: We have an interesting week ahead here. I’ll be introducing a new category tomorrow. On Wednesday, we’ll have an exclusive post from one of the erm.. ‘revered’ members of our comment community and on Thursday, we’ll have the third episode of Our Best Friend’s Wedding. Use this link to subscribe and stay informed.

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