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Our bestfriends wedding

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Our Best Friends Wedding: Episode 12: El Capitano

This was not the expected outcome. Nobody was supposed to get hurt. Not him, not any of the chosen 19.

Especially not Jade.

It had been a month since he’d done the nasty with Jade. The nasty.
How could he even call something so awesome by such a distant misnomer? “The nasty?” he thought. For it had been anything but. Life had to go on though.

Two days after he and Jade had hooked up, he’d gotten a call.
“Hi. Who’s speaking?”
A gruff voice. “It’s me.”
“Who?”
“Me. The Captain as I hear you all like to refer to me…” Charles’ blood paused in mid-flow as he tried to catch his breath.

“Ggggood evening,” Charles stuttered.
“Coward. You hear the voice of a real man and you start stammering.”

Ordinarily, Charles wouldn’t stand for such insults. Especially from someone with whom he’d had relatively little interaction. However, today he offered up no protests. He couldn’t deny to himself that he probably deserved it…

“You’re lucky you didn’t sleep with my wife all those years ago. You’d be missing your penis by now.” Charles eyes widened with fear. Life without a penis would be unthinkable.
“I’d never do that now. Never. What the hell men?”
“Good. Now what is this I hear you’ve done with Jade?” Silence. Very awkward. The Captain sighed loudly. Must be a horrible snorer, thought Charles. The Captain chose to continue:
“I heard about it and I’d like to ask: why?”
Why, Charles thought to himself. He couldn’t bring himself to answer. Why? He spoke up: “I’ve been asking myself the same thing for a while now.”
“And what have you come up with?”
“Nothing worth saying, I assure you.” Again, the Captain sighed.
“You’re a man Charles. At least I hope you are. You have but one mandate: fix this. For all our sakes. Please.” And the line went dead.

Charles dropped the phone and ran his fingers through his hair, cursing under his breath as he did so.

Why? And had it been all worth it?

He brought out his writing pad and wrote at the top of a free page in bold type:

TO THE WOMEN I WRONGED.
He drew a crooked line underneath the words then he paused while staring into the ceiling. He looked down, fighting tears,
and continued to write…

Midway through, he stopped again. He pulled his phone out and began typing a message with a wry smile on his face:
“I think we’re all clear babe. All clear.”
A few moments later, with his eyes glued to the handset the whole time, a notification came up: “Delivered: Eno.” He maintained the wry smile and went back to writing…

********************

It seemed out of the blue, surreal even, when his phone rang and he saw her name on the screen. He held his breath and counted to five before he picked it…
“Hey. Guess you’re all still mad at me…” Her chirpy voice cut him off.
“No, you numbskull! You’re not that important!” That admission stung Charles but the brightness in her voice told him that the ugliness between them might be at an end.
“Alright, Kemi. What’s up?” He sounded drained. Defeated.
“Don’t be such a whiner. Ahn ahn, who stole your cookies? Don’t sound so beaten up jo! Look I have info. Serious info. It’s about Jade.” Charles perked up. The emotional rollercoaster was becoming a bit much for him to handle.
“Go on,” he said.
“Well… It appears you weren’t the only one she screwed or was screwing as it is.”
“Uh huh…” He answered,
“Yeah… Well… Jade’s kinda pregnant right now.”
“Holy Geronimo! Wh-wh-wh-whaat?! How pregnant? Ho-wh-whe…?!”
“The Captain WAS right. You DO stutter under pressure! Hold your horses. It’s not yours. Thankfully.”
“Thankfully,” he repeated. Right then, Charles didn’t know what to feel.
“But that’s only part of the gist o…” She continued. “The guy responsible, Mayowa, is keen and it seems your little mixer with Jade the other day straightened her out. Helped her understand her feelings. Charles are you there?”
“I’m here.” He muttered,
“So the major gist I called to give you is this…” Charles braced himself and sighed.
“What?”

“Our best friend is getting married!!!”

********

Hey people. We’re up to the final episode. You won’t want to miss out next week… If you haven’t been following the series, use this link here to read the previous episodes. OBFW is jointly written by @cikk0 and I and we’d like to say a huge thank you to the guys at Barows 21 for sponsoring it. Now to today’s magazine giveaway.

Which episode did Charles use the following term:  “Fuckiddy  wow!”?  The first person to give the right answer wins. Please remember to comment with an original email address. Also, past winners are not allowed to participate in the competition holding the week after theirs. Good luck.

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Our Best Friends Wedding: Episode 11: Bukola

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Rodgers Bar

********

*phone rings*

“So… are you going to pick that?”

“Erm.. no.. it’s really not important.”

“Charles Charles. It’s good to see you as always and I can see you’ve been doing good for yourself.”

“Bukola Smith just complimented me. Wow. Something isn’t just right here. Have you totally gone soft on us? Or has the good Lord finally moved into your heart?”

“Well, maybe he has and maybe it’s high time you paid him a visit too.”

“Maybe?… You know, I must say I was really surprised when you agreed to meet up with me, not after our last encounter. You just seemed to vanish after that. Noone heard anything from or about you and for Bukola Smith, that is just all kinds of strange.

“What can I say, I needed some space. I needed to find myself. I took some time away from the lies and the deceit of this world. And yes, you were right. On that journey I met God and it’s because of him I came back.”

“How come? I don’t understand?”

“The only reason I agreed to meet with you Charles is because I need to make peace with my past. I need to resolve the past so I can move on.”

Bukola broke off into a speech about friends, friendship, family and the recognizing the people who truly matter in peoples’ lives. She must have been talking for about fifteen minutes when it suddenly hit Charles. That wasn’t where he should be. He had issues from his past that also needed resolution. A repentant Bukola was certainly more than a hint for him.

Charles took out his wallet and pulled out some money. He dropped it on the table, stood and proceeded to give Bukola a forehead kiss halting her mid sentence. “Thanks for meeting me. I’m really sorry but I have to run.” With that, he stormed out of the building and dashed into his car. It was almost 11pm and he had only one destination in mind.

*******

Jades Apartment

*******

“Charles? What are you doing here? Are you ok?”

“Interrogation at the door? Can I at least come in?” Jade stepped aside and watched with a puzzled expression as Charles walked into her apartment. “You do know it’s almost midnight right? So don’t look at me like a crazy woman when I ask you if everything is okay.” Charles remained quiet. He had a smile on his face as he started walking round the living room area. He stopped at a furniture piece beside the flat screen TV and bent over to examine some of the pictures in the frames. He picked up one that had him, Jade and Kemi in it and smiled again as he examined it closely. Jade had had enough of his silence. The look on her face clearly stated she was getting impatient with Charles’ quietness but deep within her, she was concerned.

“Oh, your date. Bukky. How did that go?” Jade finally asked. Charles turned to look at her; he replaced the picture frame on the furniture piece and then responded. “Do you remember the day we took this picture?” Charles smiled again as he resumed his slow pacing round the room. “I remember that stupid party, Kemi’s crazy crazy car…. What was it’s…

“Tyler” Jade responded, also smiling. Charles looked at her then and they both laughed together, memories floating across their minds. “Who on earth names their car Tyler? Kemi is just so special.” Charles paused again. The smile on his face was now a permanent one and Jade watched him closely rooted to the same spot she had been standing close to the door. “We stayed in that ridiculous excuse for a hotel. I still don’t know how they believed Kemi and I were actually married.”

“And I was your sister. The one that had been in the UK for so many years.” Jade added.  Charles continued walking. Now making his way towards Jade, he ran his left hand across the top of one of Jade’s pink leather sofas, shook his head and then smiled again. “You know, I owe you a confession from that night.” He looked up at Jade who now had her hands wrapped around herself in an embrace. She returned his gaze with a look that said “Go on…”

Charles continued walking slowly. Towards the door, towards Jade. “That night at the hotel when Kemi went downstairs to see the manager and I was asleep in bed. Well, I wasn’t. He paused again. “You came in from the bathroom after taking your bath.. I remember you took one look at the bed and then you let your towel fall to the floor. Jade remained quiet, the expression on her face not clear even as Charles moved within a few steps from her.

“Naked. That was the first and only time I’ve seen my … Bestfriend naked despite all the talk, all the accusations. I watched you that night as you slowly worked your moisturizer on your milky skin and I just wondered. It felt completely logical, heck it just felt right but why had it never occurred to me. To us.” Charles was now standing right in front of Jade looking straight into her eyes.

*silence*

“So this is the part where I slap you and call you a perv? Jade broke the silence. She unfolded her hands and was about to turn away when Charles stopped her. He pulled her close to himself and his lips found hers. Jade held Charles in a tight embrace and kissed him back. Slowly and then like reunited lovers hungry for each other’s touch, the kissing became more intense.

Their tongues continued to dance to music only Jade seemed to be able to hear. She had waited for this moment for ten years. Just when she thought it would never come; just when she had almost given up hope, he kissed her. Charles kissed her and what a kiss it’s turning out to be. Stars collided and the moon fell in Jades world as Charles’ hands began to explore her body. “So this is what it feels like’ Jade thought to herself. Finally, she wouldn’t have to be told how it went, she would do the telling. She briefly pictured the expression on Kemi’s face as she told her but her thoughts were cut short. Charles lifted her off the floor in one swift move and moments later, they were in her room but Jade was in paradise.

Her eyes fluttered open as her nostrils tingled with the smell of freshly made coffee. He was there, sitting by her bedside holding out a tray grinning from one ear to the other. “I made you breakfast…” Charles started… “… in bed? Oh wow… So this is how you woo all your victims.” Jade completed his sentence. “Oh will you shut up and take jo.” Jade took the tray, which had a cup of coffee, a sandwich and a bowl of grapes on it. She then placed it beside her and drew into him to kiss him.

The kissing continued for a long time until Charles pulled away from her.. “Your coffee…. It will get cold.” Jade was adamant. She tried to kiss Charles again but he pulled back. “Look at her… so much for you not being horny…” Jade pulled away and then rolled her eyes. “Well good morning Mr. Freaking Ego.” She finally said. Charles responded with a soft laugh and watched as Jade took a bite from her sandwich. “I know, I know… It’s good. You don’t have to tell me.” She shot a sarcastic look at him and continued with her meal.

“Look, we have to talk…” “Ok.. I’m listening” She responded with a mouthful of the sandwich. Charles moved closer to her on the bed and held her free hand. “Jade. Last night was… ” He paused as if for effect and let his words hang. He took a deep breath and then continued. “Last night was all kinds of amazing… “

“But? There’s a but? What’s with all this drama Charles, what?

“Look, I just think it’s best we don’t explore this. I think it will…”

“It will what? What Charles? You’re going to give me that clichéd speech about how it’s going to ruin our friendship. How it’ll all be good for a couple of weeks and then we’ll turn and go at each other like a frustrated married couple?”

Charles tried to speak but Jade continued. “Well, here’s some news for you Charles, I invented that freaking story and I’ve been telling it to everyone for the past ten years so except your version has some sick twist at the end, please save it.” She pulled her hand away from his and pushed aside her tray. Charles took a deep breath and tried to talk. “It’s just… we just… you just mean so much to me as a friend and we really don’t know if this is more than the physical”

“Oh no … no no no Charles. You didn’t just say that.” Jade got off the bed dragging the duvet along with her. She made the duvet into a wrapper and cover herself before she turned to Charles. “You know, maybe you are the selfish egotistical dude some people make you out to be after all. You need to speak for yourself because even a blind man could see my feeling for you a mile away. You know what, never mind. I should have known.”

“Jadesola… just calm down and listen to me…”

“Listen to what Charles? Listen to what? Uhn uhn.. I’m done. You know what, can you please leave. I can’t handle this right now.”

“Seriously, Jade. You want me out?”

“Yes Charles. Get out of my house.”

************

Hey people. just two more to go… If you haven’t been following the series, use this link here to read the previous episodes. OBFW is jointly written by @cikk0 and I and we’d like to say a huge thank you to the guys at Barows 21 for sponsoring it. Now to today’s magazine giveaway.

Which episode did Charles declare the following to his friends:  “The search is over!”?  The first person to give the right answer wins. Please remember to comment with an original email address. Also, past winners are not allowed to participate in the competition holding the week after theirs. Good luck.

Our Best Friends Wedding: Episode 10: Taiwo

*******************
University Of Lagos 9 years ago…
*******************
Jade pulled Charles closer and spoke, almost whispering: “But you know you could have asked us to come back later. Sheesh. Every freaking where smells like sex in here” she rolled her eyes. “Don’t gimme that look, are you telling me you didn’t realize what was happening from the way I sounded on the phone – go jo”.  “I sure will, as soon as Kemi comes out.”

Jade moved away from Charles and almost sat on the bad but she suddenly pulled herself up, shot a look of disgust at Charles and then proceeded to take a seat on the chair placed by the reading table in the room. Immediately she sat down Charles burst into laugher scrunching his nose and pointing at Jade’s chair.

“Ewww ewww ewww Charles.”

Just then, Chioma and Kemi walked into the room also laughing. “No wonder this one is carrying chest up and down with his kini wrapped up in that thick towel “ Kemi made a gesture towards Charles groin area.  Charles responded by looking away. Chioma then walked towards him… “Awwhh.. Chacha baby, we’re only teasing but I’m sure Daddy won’t mind a threesome with his three favourite girls in the whole world.”

Charles looked at Chioma, disgust written all over his face but then Kemi cut them short with “Whooo hooo… threesome! Threesome! Threesome!”  Kemi continued chanting even as Jade walked towards her, grabbed her by the arm and began pulling her towards the door. “I’m sure the diva feels pretty much better now. Really sorry we disrupted your normal scheduled programming. I guess that’s what bestfriends do. We’ll be on our way now, thank you.” With that Jade shoved Kemi through the door while she yelled out “byyyyyeeee.”

“Threesome, really? What was that Chi?” Charles questioned. “Exactly what it was. A suggestion.” “Oh so now, we’re going subliminal on each other?”  Charles’ accusation seemed to fall on deaf ears as Chioma busied herself with tidying up the room. “Oh come on Chioma. We’ve been here before and you know where I stand. We’ve been together for well over a year now and I’m loving every minute of our relationship why would I trash this for something so unsure, something I don’t even want.”

“Oh I know Charles. I know you don’t want Jade. I’ve never doubted that. But the question is: does she know this? Has she heard those words from your mouth?” Charles looked away, he knew it would come to this. Chioma came to his side then. “Look Charles, I’m not stupid. I have ears, eyes… I know what all your friends and even the whole school was saying about you and Jade before we began dating. Everyone thinks I’m a fool but I’ve looked through the women in your past and I’ve looked into your eyes and even though I know you love and care for her like your own blood, I know you don’t see her in that way.”

“I know you think telling her will break her heart but Jade is much stronger than you think she is. I’m a woman. I know how it feels to be led on. She deserves better Charles. I deserve a better man, a stronger man. I’m sorry Charles, I just don’t think I can go on with this”

**********

*Ring *Ring… Charles’ ringtone brought him back to the present.
“Helloooo. So, how’s your date going?”
“Terrible much.”
“How so? Taiwo’s a doll ke?”
“More like two dolls!”
Kemi laughed. “What’s he saying?” Jade asked while tugging at Kemi’s sleeve. Kemi ignored her and continued: “You don’t say…”
“Indeed, I do say,” Charles sounded like he was trying to catch his breath before continuing, “the chic is crazy!”
“Erm… why does your voice sound spacey? Don’t tell me you absconded to the toilet of the restaurant again?” Kemi chastised.
“It’s a toilet alright…”
“Yes?” Kemi asked suspiciously.
“At her house.”
“And I shouldn’t be surprised, why?”
“‘Cause I’m a pig. I know this.”
“Affirmative.”
“Look I know but this is some twisted ish!”
“What? What is so twisted that you have to bail into the toilet?”
“Threesome.”
“What?” Kemi’s eyes almost shot out of her sockets.
“What?” Jade whispered at Kemi. The suspense was killing her.
“With her twin sister, no less!” Charles added.
“Taiwo has killed me,” and with that, Kemi burst out laughing. Jade had had enough. She shook Kemi furiously, pressing for an answer: “WHAT IS IT???”
Finally aware of Jade’s presence, Kemi put her hand over the lower end of her mobile phone and spoke softly into Jade’s face: “Let’s just say Taiwo didn’t let us down…”

***************
Charles’ Place
***************

“Arrrgggghhhh! Crazy! You guys knew?”
“Dude,” Kemi said, “we always know.” Jade replied smugly.
“Bloody saboteurs,” Charles mumbled under his breath.
“What?” both ladies asked, unsure of what he’d said.
“Oh nothing,” Charles lied. Kemi curled her eyebrow as if to say: “I don’t believe a word coming outta that pie hole!” “Seriously, I said nothing. I was only thinking aloud about Bukola Smith.” He lied again.
“Ahh Bukky,” Jade gushed, “Hmm,” her eyelids fluttered and she began to whisper into Kemi’s hear. Charles was very familiar with that look and it sometimes never ended well. This time around though, Charles was sure it would end in absolute disaster.
“But you saw this coming,” Kemi started…
“You want me to date Bukky next?” Charles guessed.
“Smart man” Jade replied.
“See these mad women.” Charles spat back. He was in the middle of a playful, drawn out hiss when his phone rang. He took one look at the phone and made to pick the call at first then hesitated.
“Erm… ladies. Excusez moi,” he eased himself into his bedroom and into the adjoining toilet while the phone rang. Once he was out of earshot, Jade looked at Kemi, “And who could that be?” “Damned if I know,” Kemi replied.

In the bathroom, Charles was pleading, “No, no, no. It’s not like that. I’m sorry. You know I didn’t want this but just give me a few more weeks. Promise, promise, promise.” He paused to listen to what the person at the other end was saying before he continued. “No. Haven’t mentioned it yet. Still not the time… It will be soon. Ah. Alright dear. Talk to you soon.”

He expected there to be questions awaiting him upon arrival. Secrecy was not a thing that enjoyed prominence between the three. He sat down and was greeted with blank stares.

“So Bukky Smith it is,” Kemi reiterated.
“Yes.” Charles said. “So no questions?”

“About what exactly?” Jade replied. It suddenly dawned on Charles that they were not in a curious mood and he was glad for that. At that moment, the doorbell rang.

“Ahn ahn, I’m not expecting anyone. Who could it be?” As he said this, Charles got up and made for the main gate outside the building. “Please hurry back … I can’t be late for my date with Mayowa.” Jade yelled at Charles. The moment he exited the living room, it caught Jade’s eye and she quickly tapped Kemi’s shoulder. All Jade did was say one word: “Phone” and Kemi was across to Charles’ seat in a flash; grabbing the mobile phone that Charles inadvertently forgot on the side stool in one fluid movement.
“Oya oya do quick, look the phone over before the cow returns!” Jade encouraged. Kemi looked at the phone and pressed a couple of buttons. She soon furrowed her brows:
“That’s weird…” Kemi hummed.
“What’s weird?” Jade perked up.
“Why would Cha-cha be receiving calls from Eno in secret?”

***********

Hey people. We’re almost there… If you haven’t been following the series, use this link here to read the previous episodes. OBFW is jointly written by @cikk0 and I and we’d like to say a huge thank you to the guys at Barows 21 for sponsoring it. Now to today’s magazine giveaway question:

What was the amount on the bill given to Charles after his first date at Derricks? The first person to copy and paste the sentence from the episode, which has the correct answer into the comment box wins. Please remember to comment with an original email address. Also, past winners are not allowed to participate in the competition holding the week after theirs. Good luck.

PS: I’m going to be putting up a major announcement tomorrow. You won’t want to miss it.

Our Best Friends Wedding: Episode 9: Chioma

Hey people.  If you haven’t been following the series, use this link here to read up on all you’ve missed and for those who don’t know, the series is jointly written by @cikk0 and I.

You might notice we have a new banner today, it’s because the good people of Barows 21 have decided to sponsor this category and every week, they’ll be giving out one free international magazine.

Today, the magazine will go to the first person to post the names of all the girls Charles has dated  so far in the right order. Goodluck.

***************************

Charles put down the phone. Kemi and Jade would hate him for this but it was the best thing to do under the circumstances. He looked down and into Jade’s stare. Those eyes, those crazy beautiful eyes. He opened the drawer from where it came and placed the old photograph back in. As he pushed the drawer shut, he looked at the empty picture frame on the table. He reached for it and pulled it open, the blank face turned out to be the back of a picture.

“Who am I kidding. I miss you like crazy. Eight freaking weeks.” Charles laughed. Every chuckle reeking with sarcasm. “I can’t do this anymore.” With that, he picked up his phone, dialed a number and lay back in bed listening on as the phone rang on the other end.

“Come on… please pick up.”

Charles listened till the tone stopped and then flung the phone to the other side of the bed in anger. Almost immediately, the phone’s message tone cried out and he quickly rolled across to pick it.

The text message read: “We are almost there. Don’t give up on me now.”

**********************

3 Days later

**********************

Kemi: Hello

Jade: Hello *giggling sound*

Kemi: erm.. what’s going on there? Can you talk?

Jade: *more giggling sounds* Hold on please. Give me a second.

Kemi holds on for what seemed like a whole minute before Jade returns to the phone.

Jade: Hallo

Kemi: Hmm… somebody seems surprisingly happy. What’s going on? Where have you been and who was that tickling you?

Jade: Wow, wow… easy cowgirl! One question at a time…

Kemi: Do I look like your mother? You’ve been totally A.W.O.L. for the past three days. I’ve been worried shitless and you’re telling me to calm down?

Jade: Awwhh… I’m sorry Sister Kemi. I just needed some me time. I needed to get away.

Kemi: And you ‘got away’ with whom?

Jade: *giggles* Well, you know that offer Mayowa put on the table a while back?

Kemi: Oh no you didn’t. You stowed away to wallow by having sex with your ex?

Jade: Correction: Wild. AMAZING. Sex.

Kemi: I’m listening.

Jade: I can’t talk much. He’s in the bathroom but I can’t lie: he just seems so different Kemi. He’s been talking non-stop saying things like if I decide to come back I better be ready to be his Mrs. and have his babies this time. It’s all just so amazing.

Kemi: erm.. ok.. so I’m blushing for you here even though I’m still mad you were getting your nookie on. Especially since I couldn’t totally enjoy the Captain because I was worried about you.

Jade: awwhh.. that’s just so sweet..

Kemi: Abeg abeg gerrout jo! I’m going to look for my Captain. Sha use protection.

**********************************

Later that evening… Point hotel’s Tiki Bar

**********************************

Charles is seated at the bar with Promise.

“Wow. Oh bobs, you try oh. I’m not sure I would have been able to go down with this whole thing.” Promise shook his head as he spoke.

“Well, I guess that’s why they say love makes you do crazy things.” Charles responded. Both men slowly sipped from their glasses and then Promise shook his head again.

“Hmmph.. love sha. Doesn’t that also define you and Chioma? Or where is she in all of this?” Charles looked away from Promise and seemed to be in shock as he spoke. “She’s there.” Promise laughed mildly in response… “There where? She dey your room?” “No, she’s there. Behind you. Walking towards the restaurant.”

Before Promise could spin around to take a look, Charles was off his stool walking fast towards the restaurant. When he got to the door, he stood still for a few seconds surveying the room and then, like a hunter spotting his prey he began walking towards a table.

“Miss Chioma Okafor. How typical. You, dinner alone in the corner of the room, sipping a glass of Red Muscadel. Yup, this is you alright.” Chioma didn’t respond. She watched as Charles sat in the chair opposite her.

“And this is so typical of you. The ideal gentleman to the world except those of us who really know you,” she countered.

“Well, what can I say, the people who really know us accept us with our faults.”

They both stayed silent for a few seconds staring at each other as if taking mental pictures. Charles spoke first. “You look real good. I guess the fashion industry isn’t as bad as they say it is nowadays.” Her retort was swift:

“Well, I guess I can say the same about you. Lying, I mean; advertising has always been profitable.”

“Oh, by the way, I hope you’re not really waiting for a guest, I could…..” Charles trailed off,

“Oh, come off it Charles. I’m here, you’ve found me, what is it you want to say to me?”

“I just want to know why? Why have you been running? I thought that was my thing? Were we together for so long that you picked up just more than the name of your clothing line from me?”

“Me, run? I’m sure you know me better than that?

“Then what has been going on?”

Chioma took a sip of her drink, smiled and then looked at Charles. “Have you finally told that poor girl the truth? “ She asked.

“What are you talking about Chioma?”

“Stop it Charles. When will you stop this? You need to tell Jade the truth and stop living in denial.  I chose to opt out of your little game because I knew you hadn’t confronted her. It’s just not fair Charles.”

Charles looked into Chioma’s eyes and for a second he was transported several years back – sitting on his student bed in his hostel room with Chioma sitting across him. Crying. He covered his face with his hands and took a deep breath as he remembered Chioma walking out of his hostel room.

Chioma reached out and touched Charles’ hand on the table. “Charles, you’re one of the only two men I’ve ever truly loved, that’s why I can’t help telling you the truth… And please just stop with that look already.”

“I’m not… this isn’t … Can I please get a hug?” Chioma looked away rolling her eyes. “No, I’m serious Cee… “this one has really really gotten to me.” Chioma got off her seat and Charles walked into her open arms hugging her tightly. After what seemed like forever, he pulled back just enough to stand face to face with her. Moments passed and Charles moved in for a kiss…

******

At Night.

********

Jade: Hello…

Kemi: What is it?

Jade: hahaha… I can see I interrupted something..

Captain: Yes you did. Can you please leave me and wife alone.

Jade: Aye aye, Captain. Just give me a minute.

Kemi: So?

Jade: So, have you heard from Charles?

Kemi: He’s been calling nonstop but I haven’t picked. Is that why you pulled a nookie intruder on me?

Jade: *laughs* Ok, ok, I’m sorry but I guess you can pick his call now. I’m over that. Lets move on to his next girl and see where he’s going with all of this.

Kemi: Good lawd! The power of the D – I – C – K!

Jade: Sharrap jo…

Kemi: Ok, I’ll send him Taiwo next then.

Jade: Ok. Cool… now, as you were.

Our Best Friends Wedding: Episode 8: Jadesola

Hey people. So, I’ll just do the rituals and run away to hide let y’all read. If you haven’t been following the series, use this link here to read up on all you’ve missed and for those who don’t know, the series is jointly written by @cikk0 and I. You can check out his blog here.

*******************

Kemi’s crib

*******************

“So how did it go?” Kemi asked. Jade seemed distracted but suddenly snapped back into the present. “What?” she asked.

“The date with Charles?” Kemi tried to scan Jade’s face.

“Oh that?”

“No. Of course that. Now shpeel. How did it go?” Jade’s face was completely devoid of expression as she started to reply:

“In one word, it was…”

*                *                *

“Beautiful, just utterly beautiful,” Jade breathed as she touched the orchids that lined the pathway to the building. As she arrived at the entrance, she looked up at the sign: “Derrick’s.”

“I can see you’re pulling out all the stops,” Jade chimed as she stepped into the luxurious culinary wonderland that was Derrick’s.

“How I for do na?” Charles replied. His eyes were bright with excitement. Someone was giddy tonight.

They were shown to a table and were not quite seated when Charles pulled out his phone. “Vibration.” He explained quickly as he maneuvered his track-pad. He was typing while he navigated his frame into the chair. Jade helped herself into her chair as well. Without Charles’ assistance. She suppressed a frown. Charles was not on his best behaviour today.

“What are you typing, Cha-cha?” He rose his face to meet Jade’s glare. He couldn’t have looked more culpable if the letters G-U-I-L-T-Y were stamped on his forehead.

“Erm. Nothing. Sorry.” And right at that moment, the awkwardness started.

“Entreés!” announced a waiter from behind Charles. Startled, he turned abruptly. Unfortunately, the waiter was already quite close. Charles, inadvertently it seemed, hit him with his elbow.

The tray clattered to the floor…

********************************************

University Of Lagos 11 years ago…

********************************************

“Choi! See babe!” Promise whispered.

“As in…” Charles replied.

“Champagne, go holler the babe na.” Champagne. One of many nicknames Charles hated.

“Mouth dey pain you?” Charles shot back

“Guy don’t fall my hand. You are the campus chairman na. Head of the Women Organizing Committee. The only guy to pull a year five chic AND an extra year law student in his first year!”

“Oh. So that’s why you guys started calling me a romancer of the elderly?!”

“Took you this long to figure it out eh?”

“Bagger…”

“Now, you’re in year two. This bush meat should be a breeze for you.”  Promise goaded.

Charles took the bait. He walked towards her.

************************

Derrick’s…

************************

Charles was again looking at his phone; giggling to himself.

“Up here dude.” Jade yelled.

“I’m so sorry, Jade. Chioma’s been cracking me up all evening.”

“Yeah. I noticed,” she quipped,

“Come on, don’t be like that. Okay. I promised you my full attention. And you’ve got it…” he trailed off as his phone beeped again. Without thinking, he looked at it again and touched his forehead as he bubbled with laughter.”

“Always a jerk,” Jade muttered,

*                *                *

“Hi my name is…”

“Charles.” She finished for him.

“You know me?” Charles was shocked.

“Yes. I know you. Everyone knows you. Even freshmen.”

“Ha. And what else do you know about me?” Charles asked

“I know that you have a small penis…” she giggled

“That is so not true! At its very worst, during haramttan, average. But when…”

“Calm down,” she interrupted again. “I was just pulling your legs. The outer two not your third.” Charles laughed in appreciation of a good tease. This was a smart one, he thought.

“Well played. And your name is?”

“Jadesola. But please call me Jade.”

“Well, you already know my name is Charles…”

“Yeah, but can I call you Cha-cha? You know.. Sorta like brand new.. my new catch?”

Charles was shocked by her boldness.

“What?!!”

*                *                *

Somehow, the bottle of red wine had toppled over and poured on the table. Also, said wine had speedily made its way across from Charles’ end to Jade’s. Her dress now looked like a crime scene. A few screams and wiping motions later, Charles offered:

“Look, Jade I’m sorry this isn’t working out the way we planned,”

“You bet it isn’t. Look at my dress! Oh dear Lord.” Jade whimpered.

“I’m so sorry this wasn’t the plan…”

And with that, it all made sense to her.

“You coward. You did this all on purpose didn’t you?” She spat

“Of course not. How could I?”

And Jade stormed out.

****************

Kemi’s Crib

****************

“No. Of course that. Now shpeel. How did it go?” Jade’s face was completely devoid of expression as she started to reply:

“In one word it was…” Jade hesitated as she thought out the appropriate word. Kemi couldn’t wait.

“Spit it out my friend. I don’t have all day!”

“Kemi, it was fucking awful…”

“What?” Kemi was stupefied. “How bad?”

“I cried afterwards. That bad.”

“Eek.” Kemi’s phone rang. She picked it. Jade watched.

“Hello. Hmm. Ok… WHAT? Are you even serious?” Kemi hung up. Kemi fumed. Jade was curious.

“That bastard Charles…” Kemi said

“What did he want?” Kemi shook her head. Kemi rolled her eyes. Kemi spoke.

“The name of the next girl…”

*                *                *

Charles put down the phone. Kemi and Jade would hate him for this but it was the best thing to do under the circumstances. He looked down and into Jade’s stare. Those eyes, those crazy beautiful eyes. They did it for him now as they did all those years ago.

He opened the drawer from where it came and placed the old photograph back in…

***********

There you go. So the story continues. Please use the comment box to share your thoughts and comments. Cheers.

Our Best Friends Wedding: Episode 7: Darlene


Hey everyone, sorry this is coming a bit late. Let’s get in it. If you haven’t been following the series, use this link here to read up on all you’ve missed and for those who don’t know, the series is jointly written by @cikk0 and I. You can check out his blog here. Also, voting continues at the Nigerian blog awards. Use this link here to vote for us. Thanks. Now to Cha-cha and the girls. Hope you enjoy todays episode and as always, use the comment box to share your thoughts. Cheers.
***************************

Phone rings. *Click!*

 

Charles: Hello

Jade: So, are you going to tell me who it was or do I have to figure it out?

Charles: Huh? Who? What are you talking about?

Jade: Oh come on Charles. I’m a woman. I know there was someone at your place before I got there today. I couldn’t miss that Liz Arden.

Silence… Loud yet eerie silence.

Jade: So…

Charles: So nothing, Jade.

Jade: Oh wow. I can’t believe you’re actually going to make me push you for this.

Charles: Don’t push me Jade. It’s nothing.

Jade: Same way you and Kemi were ‘nothing’ back then.

Charles: What?

Jade: Come on Charles. I’ve been your best friend for well over ten years. I guess I know you more than you think I do.

Charles: What do you know about Kemi and I?

Jade: That really doesn’t matter now. I’m just worried about you and this decision to get married. I know how much pressure your parents failed marriage has put on you but please, please, please don’t bottle this in. You asked us to help you so let us REALLY help.

Charles: And you guys have been wonderful.

Jade: Well, if you say so. I have to go. I’ll talk to you later then.

Charles: Alright. Bye.

 

**********************

TUESDAY

**********************

I walked into the room painted all white and the blandness immediately got to me. “So much for an office,” I turned and said to Darlene.

“Oh please shut up jo. This is still a hospital, remember? Mr. Creative Director.” We both laughed and then sat down beside each other on a set of beige twin sofas mechanically arranged in a corner of the office.

“Charles Charles. The one and only Cha-cha. Wow. It is so good to see you again. Gosh, I’ve actually missed you…”

“Hey, that’s totally your fault. You’re the one who chose to go to nursing school to learn to save everyone else’s life but mine.” I chastised.

“I followed my dream Charles. That’s one thing I’m happy to say I learnt from you.” Darlene looked into space, memories flooding her mind. Her blue eyes still caused my skin to tingle. Born a half-caste, but it seemed the European blood in her totally over-shadowed the Nigerian bit. “So how is everyone: your mom, your sister?” Darlene brought me back to the present.

 

“Well, everyone is good. Thank God my sister ‘dreamt another dream’ and changed her mind about going down the nursing line like you…” I was being self-righteous on purpose. No reason. Just me being the occasional douche.

“And what do you mean by that? I’m sure you bullied the poor girl. Someday you’ll publicly accept and perhaps come to terms with the fact that your fear of injections is what drives your seeming dislike for medical practitioners.” Darlene always teased me about that.

 

“Oh my, you know, sometimes I really wish you hadn’t given me that injection,” I replied. “How can you say that. How then would I have felt that your ridiculously soft behind and subsequently fallen for you?”

“Oh, so NOW, you admit it was my ass that got you!” We both laughed together. “And how about your other sisters?” Darlene questioned.

“What other sisters?”

“Oh come off it. Kemi and Jade. Is Jade still in love with you?” Her words cut right through me. Darlene had always alluded to this but this was the first time she had said it to my face. “Why are you all quiet like you never knew. Well, knowing you, I’m sure you did and I do hope y’all did or are doing something about it.” It was obvious Darlene was ready to be completely expressive about the subject. Too many people had accused Jade and I. How ironic.

 

*************

Friday

*************

“Did you get Charles’ email?” Kemi asked.

“No, what email?” Jade said.

“He said he was trying to call you but the network was acting up. He had to rush to Abuja today.”

“Abuja eh? Hmm.. and I heard from the grapevine that Chioma might just be in Abuja.”

“Oh is that so?.. Anyways, he won’t be meeting us but he sent me his Darlene review and asked us to pick the next victim.”

“Wait, let me guess.. it’s probably a no and it had to do with the way she smells?” Jade’s sarcasm made Kemi wail with laughter. Once her mirth-high had receded:

“You know your friend too well. Let me read you his words: ‘You know I have mad love for that girl. She’s awesome. It’s just that I hate hospitals and I can’t have one living with me.’

 

“Yup. That’s Cha-cha alright…” Jade spat,

“…the man we’ve come to accept and love the way he is.” Kemi finished. Jade’s countenance at once became grim as she inquired: “Kemi, are you in a tell-all mood? I need to ask you something…” Kemi cocked her head to one side as she mulled over what Jade could possibly want to know. “Sure. Wasap?” “I just want to know what happened with you and Charles that night… the night before your wedding…”

“Oh dear.” Kemi exhaled. She lowered her eyes the mood became grim instantly.

“Don’t ask me how I knew,” Jade continued, “Charles didn’t tell me either. I just want to hear it from you.”

 

Kemi wore a how-do-I-tackle-this-without-coming-off-as-the-devil smile before offering: “I really don’t know… It was that his stupid charming, affable nature. The charming bastard got to me, Jade. As you know, Charles more or less got me interested in the Captain and for almost 9 months, I didn’t see any other person. That’s so unlike me.” She raised her eyes to meet Jade’s before resuming:

“And then he proposed. I was scared. I didn’t know if I could stay committed in a marriage for so long. I had always flirted with Charles. From the day we met. I had a crush on him for so long and then we just connected and became friends. He was the only one who could understand my confusion. I went to him that night so we could talk. So I could let out my fears.” She paused, trying to gauge what effect her words would have.

“How do they say it? One thing led to another…” Kemi exhaled again “…and we were kissing furiously…” Kemi stopped as the memories seemed a bit too much to talk more of. But Jade, slightly crestfallen already, wanted to hear it all.

“Then what happened?”

“Oh nothing much after. Charles is decent after all. He couldn’t go through with it. I cried that night and he held me. I found the answers to my question and I think it’s time you also found yours, Jade.”

Jade had welled up with emotion now. Part relief, part uncertainty. But Kemi was now certain. Defiant even.

“In fact,” Kemi said, “I think I know what to do.”

 

Our Best Friends Wedding: Episode 6: Inyang

Hey everyone. So, yesterday was quite crazy here..whoosh.. Anyways, today we catch up with Cha-cha and the girls. If you haven’t been following the series, use this link here to read up on all you’ve missed and for those who don’t know, the series is jointly written by @cikk0 and I. You can check out his blog here. Use the comment box to share your thoughts. Cheers.
*********************
5ft 9”…
The perfect height.
She was not slight but she wasn’t exactly chubby as well: just the perfect build.
Her wicked smile and enchanting disposition got to him without his knowing it – the perfect attitude.
All in all, he couldn’t complain with what he was looking at. Her skin glowed evenly from years of being lovingly tormented by air conditioners. It was all so wondrously aligned… yet it was perfectly impossible for this to go anywhere past the status quo. He was still dripping. First fruits from his voyage into the turbulent waters of his shower stall. He’d heard noises coming from the general direction of the living room. He was almost sure she’d let herself in but he came out just to confirm his suspicion.
“My friend will you hurry and go dress up. We don’t have all day and Kemi has been buzzing me. Ooh lookey… what’s that peeking out of your towel?” she pointed at his groin area. He widened his eyes in horror and shrieked as he sent his fingers a-blocking the ‘yonder.’ He glanced down only to see that all was in fact in place and from the way the towel was wrapped she couldn’t possibly have seen anything.
Her half-snarl, half-laugh was confirmation of what he’d just figured: she was playing yet another prank on him. Before scampering off to get dressed, he shot a look of playful sternness her way as he yelled out:
“Jade you are just a fish!”
**********
Moments later…
**********
Kemi had been waiting for almost twenty minutes. The plan had been to wait for them before ordering but after ten minutes, Kemi helped herself to sumptuous order of Chicken Lasagna Casserole.  As she started eating, she heard the door of the tiny bistro open and looked up to watch as Jade and Charles rushed in. Jade was more or less pulling Charles’ hand as she stormed towards Kemi.
“I had to go pick him up and he took forever to get ready.” Jade tendered her defence even before Kemi asked. Kemi however seemed less concerned as she continued with her meal.
“Well, I have good news.” Charles declared. “The search is over!” he beamed.
“At last,” Kemi sounded relieved even as she finally looked up from her meal.
“Really?” was Jade’s guarded reply. Her furrowed eyebrows did not exactly show chirpiness.
“Yes! Ladies, prepare to plan my wedding ASAP. Cha Cha is dying soon… to be replaced by Mr. Charles.”
“So Inyang then?” Kemi asked.
 “Nah. She cooks a mean Afang but that’s about it. There’s only so many times a man can hear his name pronounced as ‘Yarles before he commits a murder-suicide. It’s Bisi for me y’all!”
Instantly, both ladies looked at each other then back at Charles. Jade was the first to speak: “Bisi small kegs?”
“Yeah…” Charles started, “… we’re probably gonna have to find a new nickname for my future bride. Jeez!”
“Well, about that,” Kemi offered, “we heard that Bisi is kind of expecting.”
“Expecting what? A miracle? Aren’t we all?”
“Errm… if a newborn baby is your idea of a miracle then… yay!” Jade joked.
“But why didn’t you check with us before re-entering her runs? We would have given you the info na,” Kemi hissed and shook her head.
“I ran into her at The Palms and thought: ‘She’s on the list. I might as well get it over with.’” After a little silence, Charles began to piece it all together. ”No wonder she’s been avoiding me!” It was epiphany time: “I for say! Those bazoomas did look inflated in that picture she sent me!”
“Are we still talking about boobs, Charles?” Kemi’s tone was stern.
“Yes. And it’s still Cha Cha to you guys.” He sighed. “Well, I guess the search continues then.”
“Before I forget to ask: what exactly made you choose BIsi anyway?” Jade inquired.
“She was alright. Very alright. We connected as we did before and at times it felt like the old spark had never gone. I figured it was all getting tiresome. I wasn’t too sure I could do 19 girls anymore. Guess I liked what I saw and heard and decided she didn’t have to be perfect.”
“Charles the compromiser. That’s one I would never have guessed. But then again, you can still go back to her. Pregnancy’s not a crime, you know?”Kemi teased.
“Gerrout joo. Whose baby is it anyway?” Charles questioned.
“I hear she doesn’t know. Chances are she could have pinned it on you actually.” Charles’ response to Kemi’s words was a shrug.
“Craaaap,” he grumbled. His discontent was unmistakable. ”So who’s next?”
“Darlene.” Kemi replied instantly. This was greeted with a smile. “Nice,” Charles said, “She’s not bad.”
“Phew!” Jade exhaled. “That was close,” she muttered under her breath. Kemi and Charles asked simultaneously: “What did you say?”
“Nothing,” Jade replied quickly, “Nothing at all.”

Our Best Friends Wedding: Episode 5: Chioma

Hey, everyone. Two things before we get into this episode. If you haven’t been following the series, use this link here to catch up on all you’ve missed and for those who don’t know, the series is jointly written by @cikk0 and I. You can check out his blog here. Also, you can still nominate us for the Nigerian Blogger Awards here: NOMINATE. Now onto today’s episode. Use the comment box to share your thoughts. Cheers.

**************************

Tuesday

**************************

Jade: Hello

Charles: Where on earth did you leave your phone

Jade: I was in the shower jo

Charles: And where’s Kemi, she’s also not picking her calls

Jade: Ahn ahn.. whats with all the questions. Kemi’s probably on set shooting. It’s Tuesday, remember? By the way, why are you calling me? Shouldn’t you be out on your date with Chioma?

Charles: Erm… that’s why I’m calling. I’m done with that and I need the name of the next girl.

Jade: Done? What do you mean done? It’s not even 8pm. Or wait, did she… hahaha.. don’t tell me she stood you up.

Charles: Well, seeing as I’v been sitting here alone for the past hour waiting for her, I guess she did.

Jade: Awwhh… I’m sorry I’m laughing but you do know this is funny right.

Charles: Go on, enjoy yourself. So are you going to give me another name or am I going to have to eat a three course meal all by myself?

Jade: Well, I need to talk to Kemi before I can give you the next name but wait, are you at Derricks? I’ve not had dinner and I can sure use some 30k spoiling.

Charles: See her mouth like Derricks. I’m at the Blu Hotel jo.

Jade: Oh, thats not so far away. Give me a few minutes and I’ll come rescue you.

Charles: Sha hurry up please.

**************************

Jades’ House … Saturday

**************************

Kemi walked into the room looking somewhat irritated, she had hardly sat on one of the sofas before she spoke “I really don’t get you two. Why couldn’t you just plan your schedule so we could meet like we always do on Fridays. I don’t know what y’all are up to that meetings just suddenly pop up at such odd hours”.

Jade was the first to respond. “Mrs. Diva, take it easy now. You know I’d been looking for a sit down with the Minister of Health since forever. A window of 15 minutes opened up yesterday and I just had to take it”.

And you all know how ‘wonderful’ my boss can be.” Charles added. “He called me last minute to represent him at the Pearl Awards last night. I couldn’t say no.” Kemi was not impressed by their excuses. She looked away from them and pretended to look for something in her bag. Charles walked over to stand by her seat. He made faces at her and then sat on Kemi’s legs even as he tried to tickle her. “Come on now, oya smile.” Kemi tried to fight him off and then Jade also joined in.

“Ok! Ok already.” Kemi said, smiling and breathing hard after a few minutes. “I’ll forgive you when you find a way to make it up to me.” Kemi said as both Charles and Jade took their seats on different sofas.

“Jade you need to add some masculinity to this your crib. I can’t believe I’m seating on a pink leather sofa. What on earth is this”? Jade looked at Charles and rolled her eyes. “Abeg abeg, before you start your sibling rumble again, please, I’ve come here for gist. Don’t keep a Diva waiting.” Kemi interrupted.

“So, I hear you got your ass stood up.” Kemi continued holding back laughter even as Jade began to chuckle. Charles looked away, sighed and said “So what? It happens. Do you want to hear about Halima or not?” “Chioma Chioma. Hmm.. I’ve always thought that girl was your kryptonite. Now I’m almost very sure she is” said kemi. “Kryptonite ko, Achilles ni” Charles managed in a weak yoruba accent. “Oya oya, don’t get angry, tell us what happened with you and my dear friend Halima?” Jade tried to calm Charles with her question. He went silent for a while as if trying hard to remember.

“Cha-cha. Oya sorry now. Tell us how you swept sweet Halima off her feet yet again” Kemi said. Charles let out a smile. Shook his head, brought out his phone from his pocket. He fiddled with it for a few seconds then passed it to Jade. “Here, read that.” Jade moved to sit beside Kemi and together they both read out from the phone…

“This is a thank you kiss. You’ve been such a perfect gentleman; one I’ll never forget. Here’s wishing you luck and I hope you find her soon enough.”

Both ladies looked up at the same time. Questions in their eyes. Charles remained quiet. “She slept over at yours?” “You told her?” Kemi and Jade asked at the same time? “Well. Yes and yes. But nothing happened. We practically talked all through the night. I had to leave early for work the next morning so I left her at my place. I came back to meet a sea of post-it slips littered all over my apartment. Thank God I came home alone, it would have been so embarrassing” Charles looked into space temporarily lost in his thoughts..

“What did they say?” Jade asked. “You know Halima now, heart shapes, kisses, sweet little things. Like she marked where we had our first kiss then where we erm.. ahem.” “Hmm…you never did say what you guys got up to back then.” Kemi wanted more details but Charles merely smiled. “Please oh. I’ve told you, I never ever want to know what you did to my friend. I just want to know if we have a winner cause I have to head out real soon” Jade said. Charles looked at his watch. “Oh shoot. Me too.” “So? Answer now” Kemi interrupted. “Halima is sweet. Too sweet even. She’s tall – those sexy legs – damn.” Charles licked his lips lustfully. “But you guys know she’s muslim and to make matters worse, she has a boyfriend now”.

Jade sighed heavily. “So last night was just supposed to be about Okafors law?” She hissed. “God have mercy on you. Please Kemi, who is the next girl. I really have to run.” Charles stood up almost immediately as if preparing to leave.

“Na wah for the two of you oh. Ok sha, the next girl is….” Kemi produces a sheet of paper from her bag, she traces through some text with a finger, looks up with a smile on her face and says:

“Inyang”.

Jade burst into laughter. She looked at Charles and sang “Wey my Calabar girl o, my Calabar love o.”

Our Best Friends Wedding Episode 4: Yetunde

Arm in arm, they walked into the restaurant together. One word: Posh. Yetunde’s eyes widened with surprise. The room was dimly lit but still bright enough for her to notice it was beautifully – and expensively – decorated.

“Charles you didn’t have to” she objected
“But I did. I certainly did,” he responded “You are special and you deserve to be treated well… specially.”
“Hmmm…” she started, “… but Charlie you do know you’re not getting any tonight though,” Charles didn’t miss a beat:
“Of course now… what do you take me for? You think I’m the kind of guy who has to screw everything he takes to a fancy dinner?”
“Well, you used to be…”
“Well, I’ve changed”
“Good for you!” she smiled almost sarcastically.
They were shown to a table in the corner of the room. Once they were seated, Charles spoke up.
“You look exquisite, Yetunde”
“Thank you, Charles,” she replied. Charles let out air from his mouth before continuing…
“Like I said earlier, I’ve changed,” Yetunde’s expression became more serious as she constricted her face and stretched her lips thin.
“Ok…?” she offered tentatively.
“And I was thinking… I’ve gotten too old for that crap I used to pull before. I want to get serious with someone. I want to settle down…”
Yetunde smiled and looked away. In a very low tone, she muttered:
“Sheet…”

*****************************
Charles’ house, Friday…
*****************************
“No wonder, you’re a veritable chic magnet,” Jade said while looking around his living room, “…I see you’ve renovated – yet again. This place is erm… neat!”

“What can I say? I try my best.”
“I’d certainly drop my knickers in this cove anytime!” clearly, Kemi concurred. Jade reduced her eyes to slits and looked sideways to her left where Kemi stood.
“Kemi, the way you are strung these days, you’d drop your knickers in a mai-guard’s shack if asked nicely!”
“I know… it’s not easy o… I could jump a cattle-rearer if he promised at least ten inches of good…”
“Ladies,” Charles interrupted, “before we get carried away, what can I offer you: wine? Juice? Beer? A threesome?”
“Gerrout joo!!!” the ladies yelled in unison.
“Perv,” added Jade for good measure.
A few minutes later and they were all settled on the sofas. The double seater held the ladies while Charles sat solo across them.
“So?” Kemi started.
“So…?” Charles dragged…
Kemi and Jade exchanged rather incredulous looks before staring Charles down.
“You want to make us tickle the gist out of you abi?” Jade teased.
“No, he’s waiting for us to beg: ‘Please Cha Cha tell us about how you knackered Yetunde into submission.'” Kemi’s impression of a secondary school girl was pretty convincing and Charles broke into subdued laughter.
“No, we shaggeth not.” Charles blurted.
“Really?” Kemi was unconvinced.
“Really.” Charles answered.
Jade picked up her phone and made like she was answering a call. She started nodding and muttering: “Yes? No way! Ok, I’ll tell them. Bye!”
“What was that,” Kemi asked
“Oh nothing. Just a bunch of demons reporting that hell froze over. Makes perfect sense anyway.” Kemi giggled audibly. Charles joined in but shook his head as he did so.
“So tell us… what DID happen?” Kemi looked Charles in the eye. Charles avoided her stare, looking away and smiling wearily.
“Uh oh,” Jade started, “he has the look again”
“Yeah,” Kemi agreed.
“What look?” Charles perked up instantly he hated when his best friends acted like they’d figured him out.
“The look you get when you’re whipped or about to be,” Jade supplied.
“Also when he’s been dumped,” Kemi added. This bit seemed to resonate with the girls and they now peered intensely at Charles. “Were you dumped?” Jade finally intoned. At once Charles looked repulsed.
“No!” No response. Quiet. More intense staring. Finally, “Yes. Maybe…. sort of…”
“I knew it!” They chorused before giggling some more.
“She said I came on too strong…” Charles explained.
“Awww… my poor baby. You need a hug.”

“I do not!” Jade went across, sat on the sofa’s arm and cuddled Charles anyway. Charles somehow found enough room in that embrace to shake his head at Kemi.

“As if you don’t like it,” Kemi spat, “gerraway joo.”
“How come she backed out? Where did you guys go to anyways?” Jade asked.
“Derrick’s. On Adetola Crescent.”
“That new place where even the foot mat can pay an oil worker? No wonder she bailed.” Kemi said.
“How come?” Charles was clearly confused. It made no sense.

“Honey, that fancy a place? She thought you wanted to propose or butcher her afterwards. You haven’t seen her in almost two years and you take her to eat what… thirty grand worth of food?” Kemi admonished.
“Thirty-two k, five fifty, actually. I shook a little when I saw the bill…” Charles replied.
“You see am,” Kemi continued, “buy me iPad 2 you no go gree. You went to Derrick’s and you didn’t even see half bobbie” Jade laughed as she broke her embrace and walked back to her seat beside Kemi: “So who’s next on the list?”
“What list? I’m tired. Yetunde has killed my morale.” Charles grumbled.
“Which stupid morale? You think it’s easy to be a man? My friend, who is next on the list jo?” Kemi chastised.

Jade rummaged in her bag and brought out the papers that were now a sore sight for Charles.

“And the next chic on the hit list is…” she looked irked by something “Kemi, drum roll na!”
“Sorry joo.” Kemi dragged  the side stool out till it was in front her and simulated a marching band’s roll with her palms on the wood. At its end, Jade promptly boomed: “Chioma!”

Charles let them know exactly what he thought of that announcement:
“Fuckiddy  wow!”

Our Best Friends Wedding Episode 3: Shayó

“And where do you think you’re going?” She said as I tried to get out of bed. I smiled. That knowing smile, and then replied:

“Babe, we’ve been in bed all day. I need to check my emails.”

“It’s a Saturday EVENING. You’re not working, the only person who needs your attention right now is my kitty and she’s so going to get it.”

Shayo was now sitting on me in bed. Butt naked. Hot as ever. Blood flowed instantly from my centre down to my lingam and as she felt it, she smiled. Her usual wicked sideways grin that meant one thing only.

“Hold that thought.” She jumped off the bed and ran across the room to the dresser where she had flung her bag. She returned moments later with a lighter and a stick of what looked like cigarette but I knew what it was – weed. She lit the wrap, took one puff and stretched it towards me. I hesitated for a few seconds….

“How do you manage to bring out the evil in me…” a few drags later and we were both gone… lost in lust…

*************************

Friday

*************************

Jade: Hey… are you guys there? Hellooo….

Charles: I’m here. Is Kemi here?

Jade: Why on earth couldn’t you meet up with us? You know how I feel about Skype and all this techy stuff.

Kemi: Hold your horses Jade, technology won’t kill you. But really Cha-cha, what’s going on and why do you have those ridiculous shades on?

Jade: What shades?

Jade now manages to switch on her webcam…

Jade: Oooh. I see the shades. Take them off joo. And yes, what happened with Shayo?

Charles: Erm.. well..

Kemi: Well?

Jade: Just take off those shades first; you look like some criminal

Charles: Thanks for pointing out the obvious Jade.

There was an uncomfortable pause while the ladies waited impatiently for Charles to continue. Now knowing that they were all seeing each other made him even more uneasy.

He finally blurted: “We had sex. Twice. In the toilet. At an eatery.”

“Oh no. Not again,” Jade responded looking visibly irritated. “And this is why I wanted sex out of this. How can you make clear judgments if you becloud your thinking with such irrelevant frivolities?”

“Calm down Jade. Let the man tell his story.” Said Kemi.

“Abi o. Sometimes I wonder if you remember just how much older than you I am.” Charles added as if to further irritate Jade.

“And here we go with the age debate again, Cha-cha. Seriously?”

“Will you two just quit it? If we’re going by age then both of you need to shut it and let us focus on why we’re here. It’s late, I’m horny as hell and the Captain is somewhere in the skies flying round the world meaning there’s no hope for me so if you guys don’t want me chipping in my frustrations, you can both hush it and allow us move on!!!” Quite clearly, Kemi was ready to shoot someone.

“Oh wow. I think it’s safe to say everyone’s on edge tonight.” Charles said as he took off his shades.

“Oh shit. Is that a black eye?” Jade moved closer to her web cam as she tried to examine Charles’ eye.

“This chic has never done anything but land you in trouble. How did you get that and how on earth did she even make this list?” Kemi questioned.

“We’re not questioning the list. It’s mine. Like you said, let’s focus on getting me through it. We just got into a small squabble with some idiot, that’s all,” Charles responded.

“And just like back then, there you go defending her!” Jade sighed heavily. “Can we just get to her score then?” She was vividly irritated. Technology had never really been her forte; that coupled with the discovery of Charles’ recent misdemeanour had gotten her angry.

“Fun is good; very important even. With Shayo, I connect with a side of me no other person seems to be able to bring out. She’s hot, she’s spontaneous, the sex is good but she’s not the one,” Charles paused as if waiting for an onslaught.

“I really don’t get this. You just listed a lot of positives and she’s still not the one?” Jade questioned.

“I’m not 21. I did my fair share of weeding and spontaneous sex back then for a reason. I might still want it occasionally but not all the time.”

“You men are just un-fucking-believable.” Kemi muttered. “So you’re saying you put her on the list even though you knew she wouldn’t make it? Charles if this is a bloody waste of our time you better speak up now or God so help me if I don’t smack you from here to heaven if it turns out to be”

“Seconded!” Jade yelled, finally finding her voice again.

“I can understand why you guys might think this is a joke but I promise you it isn’t and Jade you of all people should know this. I need my friends with me on this, not my mother, and definitely not two whiny sex deprived girls.” Charles shrugged and looked away avoiding eye contact with both women.

“Hey, just keep quiet there! Not all of us can play the role of Randy Dandy. Besides, who says I didn’t get some in India?” Jade tried to defend herself but Charles knew her too well.

“Hahaha… you? Sex in India?” Charles continued laughing and then Kemi joined in.

“Come on Jade, we all know you can never be that casual about sex… but enough of that. So Shayo is out. On to the next then.”

“And who’ll that be.” Charles questioned even as he fiddled restlessly with his shades.

“Hmm… I think…” Kemi looked through some sheets of paper she was now holding.

“Yetunde.” Jade interrupted.

“Yetunde?” Kemi and Charles seemed to say at the same time.

“Yes. Yetunde.” Jade affirmed. Kemi’s questioning brows found answers in Jades eyes as she confirmed their choice even as Charles remained silent.

“It’s time to see how one of your exes will fare.” Jade said with mischief written all over her face.

“Do send her our regards,” Kemi’s yawn interrupted Charles’ response. “I guess it’s safe to say good night then. Try to erm.. have fun Cha-cha and please see a doctor about your eye and I don’t mean Yetunde. Work appointments don’t count as dates.”

“Yes ma. Can I go now?” inquired Charles,

“By all means. Good night guys…” Kemi chimed wearily

“Good night,” the others chorused.

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