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Announcement: The Naked Convos #1


Whoosh. Yes people, you read that right, The Naked Convos #1, our first offline event will be holding on the 31st of July. This event is one of the activities we have lined up for our 1st year anniversary and our transition to our full website. Yes, http://www.thenakedconvos.com will go live on Monday 8th of August 2011. I’ll be putting up more info before then so you’ll understand the reasons for the movement and the choice of the name later on.

The Naked Convos Series is an interactive initiative designed to create safe spaces where young men and women can engage in open and honest conversations particularly about love, sex and relationships with an infusion of music, spoken words and other activities.

The Naked Convos #1 will hold on Sunday 31st of July from 5:30pm – 9pm. It will be hosted by the wonderful Gbemi ‘Mz411’ Olateru-Olagbegi while I’ll be curating. The event will feature a very diverse panel of conversation starters as well as exciting performances from some of the best vocalists around, spoken word artiste and also fun adult games.

Now, the first event is what we’ll like to call a ‘test event’. As a result, we cannot accommodate all our readers :(… This is something we hope to hold regularly so we are very particular about getting it right.

However, I have spoken to the sponsors and supporting organizations and we have been able to reach a reasonable compromise which will allow us give out some free invites to the event next week so please stick around. So if you’re really interested in attending, please keep your next week Sunday free. Also, you’ll be able to follow the event on twitter via the #TNC1 hashtag with live blogging provided by @otegaogra through @TheNakedConvos handle.

Finally, I’ll like to give a HUGE shout out to the good people of James Hillwood, Brookstone Consulting, Ayaba, Barows 21, Naledi’s Clothing  and of course you guys out there for making this possible. For those who know, this journey started well over four years ago and I can tell you we’re only just beginning. Here’s to many more years ahead. Cheers.

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Lost in posts (Giveaway)

Hey people. So it’s been a pretty emotional week for me. Some family drama, I’m finally letting go of Marcy (that’s my mac for those who don’t know) for a hot tottie yes ladies, roll your eyes and say “men” and this post right here is my 100th post. Whoosh.

In 3 days, this blog will be 10 months old. It’s come a long way from my first post here, which by the way had only 3 views (s/o to the aliens), to almost a hundred thousand views, five thousand comments, and an additional in-house blogger. I honestly can’t believe it most times but whenever people ask me how I combine this with my hectic bank job, well, that’s the motivation well and that other erm…

So, sorry there’s no wet friday post but today I’d like to say a HUGE THANK YOU to you guys out there for your support and also to let you know we’re just getting started #nocliche. As some of you might know, I’m not used to saying ’empty’ thank yous… so today I shall be giving away 4 of these.

Customized badges with inscription: Got Tools? and I’ve got the tools.

How to win?

Well, it’s simple-ish. We have 100 posts here. Some of them have tonnes of comments, others with not so much. Ever try to find a needle in a haystack? Well, I have carefully hidden the four badges in randomly selected comment threads among the 100 posts. To win, you’ll have to search through the comments of our posts and then come back here to drop a comment stating the title of the post where you found the badge and the password written beside the badge number. For example:

Post Title: Mind your mind

Password: hoemometer

First to post gets the badge and each reader can win only one badge. I know it’s crazy but this one is probably for those extreme fans who maybe aren’t on the MTN network. Anyways, let the games begin. Goodluck.

Hunter Speaks: No one wants someone who isn’t already taken?

Going to the dentist is one of the two things I don’t enjoy but I do anyway. The other is flying.

I see my dentist twice a year for scaling and polishing.

Sitting at the reception of Dr Sadare’s dental clinic, I pick up a girly magazine and flip through its pages to pass time as I wait my turn.

No one wants someone who isn’t already taken” is written in bold yellow letters across a page. It is an article on why chicks find married guys (or guys in a relationship) very attractive.

I stop flipping and start reading……..

5 minutes later.

Sigh, the article is the same old thing. When it comes to relationships, the unattainable is always more desirable.

Sigh…..

Personally, I don’t think it is a big deal to tell a chick I am flirting with that I am married. Some chicks find it very offensive while some don’t. It makes things less complicated and saves both of us a lot of time…..no need pursuing a relationship that isn’t going to turn into one. Even as a single guy, it was always easier to get a girl on the side if I was already in a relationship.

It is generally easier for a guy to get another chick if he is already in one relationship or already married. This is not my opinion, it is just a fact.

Despite this fact though, some people still lie about their relationship status for a number of reasons. Some guys say they lie because they don’t want to be rejected.  While this sounds very plausible, I think it complicates things in the long run. I will never understand why guys do it.

Girls do it too but rather than lie that she is single when she isn’t, a girl is more likely to lie that she isn’t when she actually is. It is all part of the forming, she has to give him the impression that she is already taken. This is also a good strategy when she isn’t looking for a serious relationship.

Many chicks actually hit on married men, hoping to “land” them, for three reasons:

1.” Somebody has them, so they must be good enough……they are confirmed.”

2. “They have sex regularly. They’re experienced in bed”

3. It is a challenge….”let me see if I can steal his attention from his wife/girlfriend”

My mind drifts to some discussions I have had with my friends in the past..…..

UncleT: I’ve been happily married for 5 years and I have never been as comfortable and confident approaching women as I am now because it’s a win-win situation. I have nothing to lose. When a girl I’m flirting with knows I am married, it is either she turns me down and I go home to my loving wife or she doesn’t, we both have fun and I still go home to my loving wife.

Binta: All guys cheat. If I like a guy and he likes me, I will date him. I don’t care if he is taken or not. Simple! Why care? After all, he is going to be unfaithful to his girlfriend/wife whether it is with me or not.

Chuboy: As a single guy in a relationship, it is easier to get a girl, although I usually have to make them believe there is a possibility at being the main one…….that is, overthroning my girlfriend.

Oyinkan: I once dated a married guy. Not proud of it sha. When it started, the guy didn’t say anything at first and I assumed he was single. I was already head over heels in love by the time I realized he was married. I figured things must have been bad between him and his wife for him to be toasting me. I don’t really know, I made sure we didn’t talk about it much though, because deep down inside me I was jealous every time he was with her instead of me.

Amadi: I lie. I lie about being married. I find it so much easier. I lie because I can’t stand rejection. It is sometimes difficult to keep the lies up but I still prefer it. It can get tricky sometimes because I am not sure what will happen if a side runs bumps into my wife and I in a public place.

Samson: It makes a lot of sense that women warm up quicker to guys in a stable relationship because women compete with themselves a lot…..“Because she has him, I want him for myself” In short women are just complicated.

Angela: Single guys, especially those over a certain age, think that because they are unattached means that every single woman wants them. Nonsense! If they only knew that their attitude completely kills any interest we have in them! A married guy is just less complicated.

Babs: A woman likes to be in control. She knows (or at least thinks she knows) what to expect from the relationship. On the other hand, dating a single guy takes more effort and requires a lot of second guessing. Her mind starts thinking things like -“Does he like me?”, “Do I look stupid?” or “Why did he say that?” or “Emm,I don’t want him to get the wrong ideas and start thinking I like him….” etc.

Obby: Why would you say it’s OK to flirt when you are married in a relationship? It is completely wrong! I am a single attractive woman that gets hit on by married men, and it’s rude and disrespectful to their wives and to me. Many married and single people don’t care to respect the covenant of marriage. Flirting should remain something you do with your spouse or as one single person to another. Not a married person to a single person or a single person to a married person! *Hiss!*

TK: As a single guy, I have to say nothing upsets me more than a hot chick complaining about being single when dozens of single men like me are dying to call himself her boyfriend. It’s true that single men can be less comfortable to talk to “because” we are so actively seeking a relationship, but give us some slack, please.

Innocent: When I wear a wedding ring, I get a lot more female attention. When I don’t, I don’t.

Miss K: I am single and not ready to be committed in a relationship. So I prefer to date a married guy. He usually has nothing to prove like most single guys. He will not disturb me and be asking me stupid questions like “where are you?” “Who are you with?”And I don’t need his permission or approval to be anywhere or with anybody.

Dave: I am single and searching. That is all I need to say these days. Girls are desperate to get married. Why make it complicated? I don’t know how you married guys are able to get girls when they know you are already somebody else’s property.  My girlfriend isn’t in the country so in a way I am single even though I am not searching…… at least not for long term. *Smiles*

Jennifer: It is just easier to flirt with a married guy. Everybody knows what’s up……..

My phone rings and at the same time, the receptionist says to me “Err, excuse me sir, Dr Sadare is ready to see you now…….”

Back to reality….I drop the magazine and stand up.

The next 20 minutes is going to be very uncomfortable but I don’t mind. I can’t flirt much if I’ve got bad breath, can I?

Deep Sigh…….

The Hunter has spoken. So, are you UncleT, Miss K or Oyinkan? What are your thoughts on the subject? No one wants someone who isn’t already taken? Use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.

If tomorrow never (really) comes

Hey people. As much as I tried to ignore the HUGE elephant we have staring at all of us, I just couldn’t. So, it is said that tomorrow will be the End Of Days. The end of the world as we all know it. I sat and was thinking to myself that if the predictions turn out right and things actually end tomorrow, what is the ONE thing I’ll say I truly regret not being able to experience during my lifetime.

It took only a short while to realize the answer. So, I allowed my mind travel five years into the future where I wrote this.

I was born the day you came into my life, before then, nothing really mattered
Every time I close my eyes, every time I blink, I see you
The sun only shines out of envy for you,
the moon glows to compete with your luminesce

I lay next to you nurturing heaven itself by my side
I’ll wake middle of every night to check on you
my sole reason of existence, my tomorrow
Sleep holds little for me because you are my dreams

My quest for perfection stops every time I look in your eyes
You make me feel small, vulnerable and I should resent you for that
but humility washes over me when I remember he sent you for that
Your existence proves God exists, you are my re-occuring miracle.

There are times I cannot understand you
A Thousand meanings accompany your every chuckle, giggle and rant
but each one means more than a thousand smiles to me
If I were to be honest, people would also find me hard to understand
Because everything I say to you would include the words “I” and “Love you”
Just another proof we are one and the same

I have been honorably reduced; feeling like a soldier ant
My sole responsibility is to ward evil away from you
Unlike the ant & his queen, I am big and you are my little one
This world is too cruel, something so beautiful should never feel pain

We will fight. Mostly about nothing
Mostly because I sometimes think about losing you
Or maybe because you’ve held my heart prisoner since the day we met
I feel the need to keep you around me so people don’t see the void within me
Careful connection. Our connection makes me care fully

So forgive me when I exacerbate you,
As the same blood runs through our veins
You are a part of every single smile on my face, each tear I shed
You are my endless miracle. Every second since the day we met…
Know that you are the reason each chamber of my heart fires still
You are the reason I dream dreams
You are the reason I wake everyday
You are the reason for tomorrow

So, there’s my answer. A lil something for my unborn child.  It’s time for yours. Use the comment box to tell us about that ONE thing you’d regret not experiencing if the world does come to an end tomorrow. Speak your mind. Cheers.

PS: I’ll be re-posting the revised trailer/first episode of “Our best friend’s wedding” tomorrow. I’ve formatted it to allow the subsequent posts shorter.

I am the SIN.

Hey people. So it turns out my mind is still in that weird place so today’s post will be erm.. be different. What can I say, enjoy.

Pleasure needs a title as much as a child needs a name
Night and Day
Heaven and Hell
How can both, perfectly opposite, stir up the same emotion
That exact same feeling
I close my eyes
I can’t bear to look
I feel lost
With one, I feel the other
With the other I feel one
I’m lost in my own mind
Looking for answers
Looking for reasons
Looking for a fault
A flaw that will split Night and Day
Heaven and Hell

A lot of times I lay in silence as I watch Night take over Day as if filling out blank spaces on a canvas. The gentle caress and embrace of the moonlight soothing away the harsh stings of the sun

I enjoy kisses at Night
I enjoy kisses during the Day
Hell’s kisses fall on my lower lips complimenting kisses from Heaven up above

Heaven plants me… Hell picks me

I breathe in Heaven, exhale Hell
One renting my body.. the other leasing my mind

Hell cuts me … Heaven heals me

One gives me air just so the other can take my breath away
The Day drains me, strength returns at Night
One brings me to tears, the other gifts me smiles

Pleasure from pain
Pain from pleasure
This sinful cycle will be the end of me
This confession won’t deliver me from sin but it would be a sin if these words remained undelivered
With every passing day of denial, helpless begins to mean help less
I fail miserably at reading between the lines because the lines do not exist
I can not remain hidden in the evening forever
I can not choose
I can not pick
Pleasure needs a title as much as a child needs a name
One is my Angel
One is my Devil
I am the SIN.

Comments and opinions will be appreciated. Use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.

TRAILER: Our best friends wedding.

Hey people, today the world celebrates workers and justice served? History. Well after the monologues I decided to let you guys in on some stuff I’ve been working on for you. So here’s the trailer for another 13 week long series that’ll debut here soon enough. Please share your thoughts using the comment box and enjoy the rest of the holiday. Cheers.

*Ring *Ring
“Will you just find me an educated midget.”
*Ring *Ring
“I can’t do a show on vertically challenged people without talking to a midget can I?”
*Ring *Ring
“Arrrghhhh stop ringing gaddemit?
“Let me call you back.”

Hello
I did it! I did it Kemi.
Oh, Charles I’m sorta in the middle of something… can I…
I just did it Kemi…
What did you do?
I bought a ring…….. I just went and bou—
A what?
You did what?
I bought a ring!
What kind of ring? For what? For who?
Well, that’s what you’re going to help me figure out.

Kemi
I looked up to see Charles’ pearly white teeth grinning at me as he held open the door to my office with one arm while he clutched on to an opened jewelry box with his other hand. Oh, manners. Hi. My name is Adekemi Manuel. Host of “The Late Late Night Show With Kemi”, daughter to His Royal Highness, the Ooni of Ife and wife to Captain Babatunde Manuel. We’ll get to that later. Standing at the door to my office is Charles.

“Well, don’t just sit there. Are you just going to …. What are you doing? Who are you calling?”

Hello…
Hey, Kemi, can I call you right back, I’m kinda in a tight position right now”
Well, let me make it tighter for you – Charles bought a ring?
A what?
Yes, you heard me right, he bought a WEDDING ring.
For what? I mean for who? ……. Whaooooooo … ouch..
Oooouuuuccchhh…
Err… Jade, are you ok?
Ooooouuuch… Yes, I’m fine, I only almost just fell off an elephant.

Charles: Elephant? Where on earth are you this time?
Jade: Oh, so you’re there……. I’m in India; traveling with a UN team and I hope that ring is for Sandra.

Jade:
Jadesola Adeyemi. The most selfless person I know, possibly the most selfless person in the whole world. She’s always in one place or the other somewhere in the world helping people and almost always forgetting about herself. More about her later..

Kemi: You mean Tara…
Jade: Oh, there are just too many of them.. but, yes, her…
Charles: Oh, hell no.. she has manly feet and that spooky sound she makes when she sleeps….not happening …
Kemi: Just stop. Stop it Charles. Why did you buy a ring if you have no one to give it to. Is this all a joke?
Charles: Well…. I’ll turn 30 in about ten weeks from today …. I visited my mom yesterday and she just…. she said somethings and I thought, what the heck, it’s time.. I’m matured enough… I’m ready…. so I went out and bought a ring.

Jade: Kemi, please slap him for me.
Kemi: Gladly.
Jade: So that’s just why you bought a ring?
Kemi: wait, so, now what do you want from us.
Charles: Seeing as you guys are my bestest friends in the world and probably know more about me than anyone else, I’ve decided that you’ll help me make the decision.
Jade: huh? Is he being serious?
Charles: I know how hard a task it can be, considering my erm… past … and present… but here
(Charles brings out a folded sheet of paper from his pocket).
I call it, my “deed map”… On it, I have 19 names of girls I’ve been with at some point in my life and a little background information – most of which I’m sure you already know, if you can remember that is – well, I was aiming for ten but I just couldn’t… – so, 19 gurls and I need to eliminate 18 of them before my birthday so I can propose.
Oh, one more thing, this isn’t the bachelor – this is my life so, better take it seriously.
Kemi: You can’t be ….serious..
(Kemi said with her mouth wide open as she further examined the “deed map”)
Jade: I’ll be back next tomorrow.
Charles: That’s the spirit.. Oh, I’m late for a lunch date. I’ll talk to you girls later. Ciao

Charles
Charles Effiong. Youngest Ad Agency Creative Director in the country. Successful smooth talking mutherfucker; mini sex God, ladies man and best friend to Jade and I for almost 10 years. This might sound like a joke but I know when Charles is serious and this is one of those times. God help us.

The Vagina Monologues Remix Finale.

Breaking & Entering By @Ms_Dania
I really wish I didn’t have It. Wish I could cut it out.  After all, I didn’t ask for it. And it has done nothing for me.
It is the reason they’ve followed me since I was 6.
Tunde and Jerry in the play ground, trying to see under my dress as I went up and down the Janglova.
Up and down.
It is the reason Andrew, 24, stalked me when I was 12.
What else would he want with a child half his age?
Chris broke it off with me because he wasn’t getting It. Turns out he couldn’t do without Pussy after all.
I remember when I used to guard It sacredly. “Sit like a girl!” mama would say. “Close your legs!” the teacher would say, “You’re a lady”, and then all the boys would start to giggle. Silly little pricks.
And so I sat and closed and guarded preciously; my vagina; my ladyship.

Until he came along.
And took It. Just like that.
It really wasn’t his fault I think. It was IT.
I told him it was mine and mine alone. At least until someone took possession of me formally and then the person would inherit it.
He accepted.
But then he started to kiss me. And touch me. And then IT started to feel things. I didn’t understand; I still don’t. Why was one set of lips reacting when the other was getting kissed?
He pushed me down on the bed. I started to panic, but IT was loving it.
Let me go! My head screamed.
Why? IT replied, you’re loving it.
My mouth just whimpered.
He pulled down my skirt forcefully and slapped my thighs apart. My head won. STOP, I screamed.  He took off my panties. NO! I started to cry. He looked at the tears on my face and faltered.
Then he looked at IT and IT said to him, look I have tears too, I’m wet too.
And he broke in and took It. Just like that he took it.
It was not yours for the taking you fucking bastard.
It’s one year after and he’s still here. What can I say? He was the first. He’s taken my ladyship; he has to have me.

I hate him.
I hate my vagina.
I want to cut it out.

But then I have to pee.

The Angry Vagina By @miafarradaily
Hello Men. How y’all doing? On behalf of my furious vagina, may I say:
FUCK YOU!
Fuck you, cocks, schlongs, penises, johnsons, Mr. ‘your owner calls you happy but the only person you make truly happy is your owner’.
You don’t know shit.
You don’t know what it’s like to be wandering along, living your private little life and then for some greater good bullshit, it suddenly starts to rain red pain.
You ache and you cramp and you’re confused and just when you think, “finally, some sympathy!” someone shoves a big phallic piece of absorbent shit right up you.
Once and again, every 4-6 hours, every month of every year of your life that matters.
My blood, my pain, my agony.
Hey you! Yeah, you! Sitting in the back there…crossing your legs and playing with your phone under the table…
You came from a vagina.
You came from blood and pain and agony.
You came from OUR blood, OUR pain, OUR agony.
What’s that? Birth is a miracle? Motherhood is an honour? Are you kidding me with this Hallmark bullshit?
It’s a miracle I haven’t honoured you with death yet.
Indignity? Let me tell you about indignity!
Indignity is having some young kid with two consonants in front of their name poke and prod and shove metal as far into you as they can.
“This will be a little cold’ “This might be a tad uncomfortable”.
No, douchebag, looking at your stupid little face is uncomfortable.  Those shoes I got on sale are uncomfortable. Going jogging in a g-string is uncomfortable.
Having a SPECULUM, a metal instrument of torture thrust and then expanded inside me? Uncomfortable, you say?
Why don’t you come a little closer, yeah that’s right…give me a good shot at your educated nose and I’ll show you uncomfortable.
Sex. Yeah, I see you; lady who wants to pretend having a vagina isn’t one big cosmic joke. Sex you say?
“Sex is good.” “Sex is nice.”
Remember your first time? Remember:
The blood.
The pain.
The agony
Remember that?
Oh, but now you’re saying “it gets better” Indeed.
You wear your ankles for earrings and in return you get the equivalent of a jumbo Toblerone bar.
You think this is fair?
There is NOTHING fair about having a vagina.
Know this: Swine get a better deal than you. They get to come for HALF A FREAKING HOUR. 30 minutes. And your clit gives you what, 5 minutes tops?

All pigs are equal, some pigs are more equal than others and Miss Piggy? Has a better sex life than you.
Sex. *snorts*
Sex is the cover up! Sex is the freaking distraction!
Here is the truth:
YOU ARE A RECEPTACLE for every promotion he didn’t get, every girl that said no, every squash game he lost…he pounds all of that into you and then leaves his salty detritus behind. On you; inside you; in that wet spot underneath you
A vagina: the most defenceless cavity in the human body.
At least a mouth has teeth. At least an asshole puts up a good fight. A vagina? Our traitorous vaginas? A pinch there, a lick here and they open up like flowers in the sunshine.
What?
Not smiling anymore?
Not feeling so Amazonian?
Good.

So, we have come to the end of the monologues (*sniff). And a befitting end too. I’d have apologized for the length of today’s post but after reading it, I’m sure you know why I won’t. Share your thoughts on rape and the ‘injustice’ brought to the vagina, use the comment box, speak your mind. Cheers.

The Vagina Monologues Remix (Scene 5 & 6)

CURSE by @SlimSiren

Clutching my white fluffy teddy, I watched Aunty writhe and weep on the floor. I don’t know why she’s screaming. I don’t know what to say to make it better. I can’t seem to find the right words. They must be fighting through the heavy fear in my throat. I open my mouth over and over again.

Somebody, please come. Somebody. Please. Come.

But nobody comes.

Nobody comes because my mouth wouldn’t open. My teddy’s face is wet with my tears. I can’t seem to…

Understand why Chizoba is screaming like a banshee. I thought the world had come to an end, or something had happened to Ngozi, and I ran out of the room like a mad woman, only to find blood all over the place. She’s twenty-two, for Christ sakes! Menstrual pains, so? What’s new? She has had this for 12 years x 12 months x 4 days x 24 hours x 60 mins x 60 seconds of her damn life. She has no right to scare my children like this! See little Oma…

Rocking back and forth on the bed. I can’t understand what is going on.

Mummy is standing by the door.

Mummy has come

I don’t know what is happening.

Aunty is just crying.

Please take aunty to the hospital mummy.

Please I don’t want aunty to die.

I love aunty ChiChi.

Stop looking at her like that.

Come let’s take her to the hospital please mummy please…

Stop, please, dear Lord of God, dear Lord, God, please just make it stop. I will give anything. I will dedicate my life to you. I will stop cheating in class, I promise.

Please! Please.

Just make it stop!

Oh! Mama-put rice, I will never eat you! Your pepper has put fire in my loins!

Extra cube of sugar, I curse you! Lord God of Moses, of Israel, of Meso-ginibuahagi-phet, I beg you! Take this away from me! I can’t…

Endure. I. Try. To. Endure. I. Mask. My. Pain. Perfume. Pads. Perseverance. Every. Month.

I. Have. To. Endure. Dear. God. Please. I. Need. To. Endure. This. Curse.

The Sex Worker By @Otase

Oohh the women love me because I please their vaginas good.

Their husbands call me and when they hear I’m a woman, they apologize for the mistake.

*giggles*

They don’t know.

They can’t wrap their heads around their women cheating on them with another woman.

But it’s true. The women love me because I please their vagina good.

Especially the older ones.

Gasping.

Moaning in Yoruba as I stick my tongue in places. Finding their g-spots and playing with their beautiful clits

Telling me how their men don’t make them feel like this.

*laughs*

Most of their husbands don’t even know where the clit is.

I can’t blame them

I think back to the days of an accountant and I laugh.

Sitting behind computers, crunching numbers in my high power suits, with one boring scarf after another placed ever so prim and proper, my vagina never getting to breathe.

Then one day, my bitch of a boss called me into her office, and seduced me. When she tied me up with my scarf, I never saw scarves or vaginas the same way again.

She explored my vagina. Made it happy.

Now I explore vaginas.

Being paid for this exploration is just the icing on my wonderful cake.

Most of these women never used to moan.

Can you believe it?

Stifling their moans like it was dirty. But now I make them moan in all kinds of languages.

I sit back and make them touch themselves, make them find their own moans, sometimes they even find their own screams.

“Olorun oo”

“Do that thing again…”

“What thing?”

I make them beg for it

“The thing with your tongue”

“You mean like this?” As I do something else that makes them exclaim

*smiles*

I take my job very seriously.

I love to make Vaginas happy.

Hey people, so, two more scenes from the VM Remix.. Today, we look at another aspect of ‘womanhood’ that has been seriously supressed in these parts (also maybe due to our culture) – menstration & all that goes with it. Then scene 6, well, some might say isn’t for societies like ours but I’ll leave that to you guys as you speak your mind using the comment box. Cheers.

The Vagina Monologues Remix. (Scene 1 & 2)

Eyes on the prize By @Similicious87

Of course I’m a bitch!

That’s what I yelled back as I spread those pictures on his office table!

You see there is nothing wrong with getting the best for that vagina

Times are hard and I would be damned if I fall for the ‘love buffoonery

That was long ago when Uncle Bayo embarked on journeys to my bedroom and put me through muffled screams and blood stained sheets

I lost all illusions

My body made men groan with pleasure

I have learned to use it!

Oh I am way past that love mess.

I am smarter than those ‘holier than thou’ sisters who pretend the dick isn’t wearing their pussies out.

I’m enterprising.

I keep my eye on the prize.

So what if Alhaji likes to burn cigarettes on my tits – there is always a dermatologist.

So what if Chief likes to beat me and tie me up till I pass out – I get that bank alert and I’m a couple of hundreds of thousands richer.

I am smarter than those love sick puppies.

Why does love have to be associated with sex?

SEX is SEX!

So because you are giving it up because he says he loves you makes you better than me?

These holes of mine are expensive.

They pay my bills.

So I like to take pictures of powerful men in compromising situations!

That doesn’t make me a bitch.

I’m a businesswoman!

I carry my cargo.

Ready to offload in different locations and positions.

I’m not apologetic!

It’s my vagina after all!

EYES ON THE PRIZE!

Because He Looked At It: By @novacrossqueen

My vagina had a complex

Not the oh-my-god-i-think-im-fat-when-im-actually-a-skinny-bitch complex

But the Holy-shit-this-is-not-what-it-looks-like-on-the-playboy-magazines complex

Like I know we are made in His image and likeness and we are all beautiful and yadi yadi

But damn…

I even thought it would look better bald

That I could get elegant looking kissable lips

Presentable,

Was that too much to ask for?

But after skinning the kitty, I daresay

Chris looked like a dead thing stuffed in another dead thing in HD

Yes I call my vagina Chris

And she was ugly

I imagined if old men had vagina, it would look like Chris

Coitus (Coitus coitus coitus. Fucking weird word) was pretty much orchestrated

Sex with me worked in stages

We would get right down to business

Missionary, cowboys, and then I hit my doggie

To survive, I would imagine my vagina as an Aston Martin Virage…. and his penis was, well…. a penis

*cough*

My vagina came alive only in the dark

And then that one guy

No I don’t remember his name…

“Can I give you head?” he said…”With the lights on”

Like was he kidding?

Instantly I prayed for PHCN to take the lights now, please na….

Please….

“Resistance is futile”, he whispered as he grabbed my arms and bound them with his tie

I watched his shadow walk over to the switch

*click*

Let there be light…. *closes bible*

With my arms useless

And my legs spread so far apart, they could have been in separate continents

I felt him

Trace. His. Fingers. Across. My. Lips. Parting. Them. Ever. So. Slowly.

I..

Ermm…

And…

Are you getting me?

Those were my feelings exactly.

He put his lips to my lips and I swear they spoke the same language for a hot minute

Then he looked up at me and said the cheesiest shit I have ever ever heard since I discovered I had a vagina

“Your vagina is the 8th wonder of the world”

(Well not in those exact words…..)

He then proceeded to teach her five other different languages, and braille…

Hey guys, so there you have it. The first two scenes from the V Monologues Remix. Seems the ladies are going in hard on this. However, once again, I’ll urge us to look past the humour and highlight the salient points in the scenes for proper discussion. A lot of women justify prostitution with sexual encounters they had as children, what’s your take on this? Also, our culture, perhaps,  has taught us to keep away from certain bedroom acts. A lot of women cringe at the use of the word vagina in public let alone talking about cunnilingus. Time for us to discuss. Use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.

Birthday giveaway

Hey everyone. Yes it’s my birthday. Let me just say a HUGE thank you to you guys for all the messages, calls, posts, tweets and to all those who tried singing… thank you.

So, I’m here for two reasons. Firstly, I promised a giveaway didn’t I? I spent most of the weekend trying to thinkup a way to give what I have out and couldn’t comeup with something that wasn’t too complicated . So, I’ll be giving away this:

To the person who comes up with the most creative reason why I should, before midnight tomorrow.

To make things fair, I’ve enlisted my good friend, super OAP, Gbemi Olateru-Olagbegi (@Mz411) to help pick the winner. So, get thinking, use the comment box and convince her.

Huge s/o to the guys at Ten Over Ten (@tenoverten) for making this happen.

Secondly, a lot of people have been asking wasap with my birthday. Well, sadly, due to the fact that I have work tomorrow and the curfew, I can’t do much today but I’ve got you guys covered.

Date: Saturday April 30th

Venue: Number 10, Saka Tinubu, V.I Lagos..

Time: Well, just show up (after leaving The Undeground event of course) and we’ll shut it down all night.

What else? I’ll be giving out cocktails at the bar to the ladies for as long as possible so tell a friend to tell a friend to.. you know the deal…

Thanks again guys.. start sending in your comments. Cheers.

PS: The Vagina Monologues Remix begins tomorrow… 10am… don’t miss out…

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