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Our Best Friends Wedding: Episode 8: Jadesola

Hey people. So, I’ll just do the rituals and run away to hide let y’all read. If you haven’t been following the series, use this link here to read up on all you’ve missed and for those who don’t know, the series is jointly written by @cikk0 and I. You can check out his blog here.

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Kemi’s crib

*******************

“So how did it go?” Kemi asked. Jade seemed distracted but suddenly snapped back into the present. “What?” she asked.

“The date with Charles?” Kemi tried to scan Jade’s face.

“Oh that?”

“No. Of course that. Now shpeel. How did it go?” Jade’s face was completely devoid of expression as she started to reply:

“In one word, it was…”

*                *                *

“Beautiful, just utterly beautiful,” Jade breathed as she touched the orchids that lined the pathway to the building. As she arrived at the entrance, she looked up at the sign: “Derrick’s.”

“I can see you’re pulling out all the stops,” Jade chimed as she stepped into the luxurious culinary wonderland that was Derrick’s.

“How I for do na?” Charles replied. His eyes were bright with excitement. Someone was giddy tonight.

They were shown to a table and were not quite seated when Charles pulled out his phone. “Vibration.” He explained quickly as he maneuvered his track-pad. He was typing while he navigated his frame into the chair. Jade helped herself into her chair as well. Without Charles’ assistance. She suppressed a frown. Charles was not on his best behaviour today.

“What are you typing, Cha-cha?” He rose his face to meet Jade’s glare. He couldn’t have looked more culpable if the letters G-U-I-L-T-Y were stamped on his forehead.

“Erm. Nothing. Sorry.” And right at that moment, the awkwardness started.

“Entreés!” announced a waiter from behind Charles. Startled, he turned abruptly. Unfortunately, the waiter was already quite close. Charles, inadvertently it seemed, hit him with his elbow.

The tray clattered to the floor…

********************************************

University Of Lagos 11 years ago…

********************************************

“Choi! See babe!” Promise whispered.

“As in…” Charles replied.

“Champagne, go holler the babe na.” Champagne. One of many nicknames Charles hated.

“Mouth dey pain you?” Charles shot back

“Guy don’t fall my hand. You are the campus chairman na. Head of the Women Organizing Committee. The only guy to pull a year five chic AND an extra year law student in his first year!”

“Oh. So that’s why you guys started calling me a romancer of the elderly?!”

“Took you this long to figure it out eh?”

“Bagger…”

“Now, you’re in year two. This bush meat should be a breeze for you.”  Promise goaded.

Charles took the bait. He walked towards her.

************************

Derrick’s…

************************

Charles was again looking at his phone; giggling to himself.

“Up here dude.” Jade yelled.

“I’m so sorry, Jade. Chioma’s been cracking me up all evening.”

“Yeah. I noticed,” she quipped,

“Come on, don’t be like that. Okay. I promised you my full attention. And you’ve got it…” he trailed off as his phone beeped again. Without thinking, he looked at it again and touched his forehead as he bubbled with laughter.”

“Always a jerk,” Jade muttered,

*                *                *

“Hi my name is…”

“Charles.” She finished for him.

“You know me?” Charles was shocked.

“Yes. I know you. Everyone knows you. Even freshmen.”

“Ha. And what else do you know about me?” Charles asked

“I know that you have a small penis…” she giggled

“That is so not true! At its very worst, during haramttan, average. But when…”

“Calm down,” she interrupted again. “I was just pulling your legs. The outer two not your third.” Charles laughed in appreciation of a good tease. This was a smart one, he thought.

“Well played. And your name is?”

“Jadesola. But please call me Jade.”

“Well, you already know my name is Charles…”

“Yeah, but can I call you Cha-cha? You know.. Sorta like brand new.. my new catch?”

Charles was shocked by her boldness.

“What?!!”

*                *                *

Somehow, the bottle of red wine had toppled over and poured on the table. Also, said wine had speedily made its way across from Charles’ end to Jade’s. Her dress now looked like a crime scene. A few screams and wiping motions later, Charles offered:

“Look, Jade I’m sorry this isn’t working out the way we planned,”

“You bet it isn’t. Look at my dress! Oh dear Lord.” Jade whimpered.

“I’m so sorry this wasn’t the plan…”

And with that, it all made sense to her.

“You coward. You did this all on purpose didn’t you?” She spat

“Of course not. How could I?”

And Jade stormed out.

****************

Kemi’s Crib

****************

“No. Of course that. Now shpeel. How did it go?” Jade’s face was completely devoid of expression as she started to reply:

“In one word it was…” Jade hesitated as she thought out the appropriate word. Kemi couldn’t wait.

“Spit it out my friend. I don’t have all day!”

“Kemi, it was fucking awful…”

“What?” Kemi was stupefied. “How bad?”

“I cried afterwards. That bad.”

“Eek.” Kemi’s phone rang. She picked it. Jade watched.

“Hello. Hmm. Ok… WHAT? Are you even serious?” Kemi hung up. Kemi fumed. Jade was curious.

“That bastard Charles…” Kemi said

“What did he want?” Kemi shook her head. Kemi rolled her eyes. Kemi spoke.

“The name of the next girl…”

*                *                *

Charles put down the phone. Kemi and Jade would hate him for this but it was the best thing to do under the circumstances. He looked down and into Jade’s stare. Those eyes, those crazy beautiful eyes. They did it for him now as they did all those years ago.

He opened the drawer from where it came and placed the old photograph back in…

***********

There you go. So the story continues. Please use the comment box to share your thoughts and comments. Cheers.

Letting Go.

“Samirah…”

She felt his chest rumble beneath her ear as he called her name. She sighed and curled closer to him. They were sharing the large armchair in his living room. His hands moved rhythmically across her back. She sighed again.

“Yes Ty?”

His hands paused.

“Let me in, S. Let me into your head.”

They’d been together for four months. Samirah was one of those weird ones- The men didn’t understand but wanted her even more fiercely. She chose Ty. Ty chose her. They fell in love. But Samirah still held a part of her back. They’d shared their bodies; their homes. But not that.

He’d shared his all. Told her everything. “I hate my family,” he’d said. “I never want to see them again. Ever.”

She’d consoled him but never let go of what he wanted the most. The part of her soul that was behind a thousand barriers, all made of steel.

“I love you, Ty.”

“I know you do, Sam.. But… Talk to me. I’m here.”

She turned her head so it was buried in his broad chest; her muffled words drifted up to him. “A long while ago..”

And she let go and let him in. Her fears. Her past. All. And when the tears fell freely; he cried with her. Reveling in her words. Not the words in themselves, but what saying them meant. She had given herself totally. To him.

And they took themselves, there on the carpeted floor in front of the armchair that now held significance- of two souls reaching out and melding into each other. For life.

The white walls were a sharp contrast to her purple kaftan. Her hair was standing around her pale face. Dark circles underneath her slanted eyes.

She found the doctor. He looked down at her kindly.

“Where is he?” Her voice came out in a whisper. A crack in her voice. “Is he dead? Just tell me.”

“No. But are you family?”

She let out a sharp breath. “Yes. Yes, I am.”

Tears slipped down her face. Relief, evident in her dark eyes.

The doctor frowned; hesitated then said-

“Come with me.”

He was sitting up in bed, smiling at some stranger.

He looked right at her. Then looked away.

She walked in. “Ty..”

“Who are you?” The stranger asked harshly. “Who is she, John?” He asked the doctor.

The doctor frowned again. “Sorry Kenny. She said she was family.” He turned to her. “I thought..”

But she wasn’t listening to either of them. She walked over to Ty who was looking confused.

“Ty…”

She reached out to touch the bandage on his head. “Taye…” He was quiet. “Taye?”

He stayed quiet.

Then. “I’m sorry, I don’t know you.”

She froze.

She looked to the doctor. His face had softened again. “I’m sorry, Taye has lost some of his memory.”

The stranger spoke again. “Well, I’m his brother. His twin brother. Who are you to Taye?”

Samirah’s eyes cut back to Taye’s. Urging him to speak up. To remember. To remember them.

But after a few seconds, he looked away, uncomfortable.

“If you won’t answer, you might have to leave. The parents will soon be here, Mother won’t want a stranger lurking around.”

Samirah was silent. Her gaze still intent on Taye.

“Ty…”

Silence.

Then she turned and walked out of the room, the hospital and his life. Leaving most of herself behind.

******************

Hi everyone. So, first of all, I’d like to dedicate this post to my soul sister @Ms_Dania…be happy in Bayelsa. Now to the post. Writing this, I imagined just how difficult it is for some people to open up to others. The fear, the hurt, the pain that goes along with it. Now imagine this scenario after going through all of that. They say every decision in life is a gamble; some are just worth more than others. Imagine yourself as Samirah, would you stay, would you leave? Use the comment box and speak your mind. Ciao.

The Hardest Question Ever?

Hey everyone. Voting continues at the Nigerian  blog Awards. Please show some love to us and all your other favorite blogs by voting here. That’s that. Now, it’s going to be a short one today. Why? Well, cause I’ve only come here to ask a question. Initially, I wanted to structure this as another exam but the question is kind of cheap and also,  I think it will be absolutely impossible to come up with a marking script for your answers so I changed my mind.

I bet now you’re really curious. So, I got into an argument, well, more like a conversation a few weeks back (typical me) about what could possibly be ‘the hardest question ever‘, well, sort of. After an hour of back and forth, we came up with a question, which, well, I’m not exactly sure is the hardest question ever but being the music lover that I am, I took instant interest in it and decided to share with you guys.

Now, here’s the original question: What is the greatest love song ever done? (pauses for effect). Yeah. I thought as much. Let’s not even get into all the reasons why it’s almost impossible to find an answer to that question. And the term ‘Love Song’…sheesh.. just sounds so cheesy. Anyway, for a second there, I’m sure you mentally ran through God knows how many songs. So you see why developing a marking script would have been totally impossible? So, what I’ve decided to do is narrow things down and see if it’ll help. So here’s my question. “If you could choose one ‘love song’ done between 1990 and today, which in your opinion ‘perfectly’ captures the term ‘love song’, which would it be?”

Long right? What I’ve tried to do is narrow this down ‘our generation’. Now, to properly answer this, you’ll probably need a few minutes to think up your answer. Also, I know a lot of the guys are about to switch off to the background and just read up other peoples comments but I’ll ask you this. Have you ever listened to Elton John sing ‘Your Song’… The Beatles – Something, Stevie Wonder – As, Whitney Houston – I’ll always love you, Percy Sledge – When a man loves a woman.. Ok ok.. Let me come back to our focus years. Michael Buble – Everything, Jason Mraz – You and I both or perhaps tunes from the more common artistes, R.kelly, Usher, Jagged Edge, Sade, Beyonce e.t.c.

Have you heard some of these guys profess love on a tune and deep within you, gangster dude, barbie chic or whatever your personality, you just imagine having that one special person you could say those words to? I know a lot of factors go into this, from personality to musical preference yada yada.. All I’m trying to see is if we have a couple of titles mentioned way more than others in the comment thread.

So there you have it. It’s all about music, love and the cheese today. Use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.

Set fire to the rain


Hey people. Hope your weekend was good. Ok, that’s that. So I’m a little bit pissed right now so y’all have to bear with me. Before I begin, let me just state that I’m shoving the bro-code to the curb today. Why? Cause I have a sister. I have female cousins and friends. I hope to have nieces and at least a daughter some day and I hope this piece right here will help them in one way or the other.

Forget religion and all, if you take one good look at yourself from head to toe with all the intricate features you were made with (no matter how beautiful/not-so-beautiful you are) and you still don’t feel enough self pride to walk away from a situation with a he/she with whom you clearly see no future then maybe I need to call the MFM folks to organize deliverance sessions here. Heck.. now that I’m even thinking about it, some of us brothers could find this info useful because the whole world seem to have lost their gaddem minds but sad thing is that most guys won’t admit to being in such situations so I’ll just keep it to the ladies.

The feeling varies from pity to sadness to anger, depending on how close I am to the victim (yes, victim) when I’m told just how ‘difficult’ or ‘impossible’ it is to walk away from him because… heck, most of the time, they can’t even come up with a good enough reason why they can’t seem to be able to leave despite the fact that they know he’s screwing some other chic / he’s head over heels for some other chic (who probably doesn’t like him half as much) / or HE’S NOT JUST THAT INTO THEM.

Well, since y’all won’t face facts and tell yourselves the truth, I’ve made it my duty to do so today. Here are some reasons why you need to set fire to the rain:

We are all SELFISH
Don’t even give me that bullcrap about how much you’ll hurt him if you walk away. This is about YOU. Yes, YOU. Not him. You’re not getting younger. Tick Tock. 23. You stick with his trifling behind. He doesn’t commit. 24. He gets into a relationship with your mutual friend, you still hang on in the name of whatever. 25. He’s single again, you think there’s hope… Smell the freaking coffee and do yourself a favour.

No woman was created for just one man
If you belong to the school of thought that disagrees with this then “wait behind for instructions” after reading this post. I think one of my favorite stats to quote is the world gender ratio. UN unofficial stats state that there are almost 9 women to 1 man now so please shove it. Don’t also go on about how there’s too much competition out there and how you’ll probably never find another. Question is, is he even yours?

The world still believes in Fairy tales
Since this is Nigeria, I might as well add this fairytale-ish point. Someone once said, if you want to know if something is yours, let it go and if it was really meant to be yours it’ll come back to you. (like I said, fairytale-ish) but yeah, if you’re so convinced he has feelings for you but can’t figure out why he can’t seem to commit, let him go (not partially, I mean delete EVERYTHING) and see what happens.

No one has ever died from emotional pain
If your excuse is not being able to handle the emotional trauma that will follow, then let me help you by stating (and yes, I did research this), that noone has ever been recorded to have died as a result of emotional hurt. You might cry, even have some sleepless nights but you won’t die.

He wont do it
If you’re still not convinced or your excuse is that you’re waiting for him to let you go then you need to know this: HE WON’T. Why? It’s sorta like what I tried to explain here. Greed is a basic human instinct (Ask Adam). He has you at his beck and call. He can have others and still come back to you so why on earth will he want to let you go?

Inserts Adele’s cd…. Someone like you…

If you’re a guy and you can relate to this, or you’re a chic and this post hit very close home, help me think up more points or share your experience by using the comment box. Speak your mind. Cheers.

PS: We have an interesting week ahead here. I’ll be introducing a new category tomorrow. On Wednesday, we’ll have an exclusive post from one of the erm.. ‘revered’ members of our comment community and on Thursday, we’ll have the third episode of Our Best Friend’s Wedding. Use this link to subscribe and stay informed.

Ode to young love

Hey guys. Monday was the day of monsters and boy did you guys bring it. Today I’d like to slow things down a little and hopefully appeal to your softer side (especially the guys). Summer’s almost here and it’s that time of the year when loads of people return home from “overs”. As a result, you tend to bump into a lot of people you’ve not seen in ages. So I thought to do an ode (not ódè) to young love. I called on our in house baby blogger @Uberbetty to tell this story:


I walked with my head bowed. Mumbling under my breath. I do this. Especially when I’m stressed. I was walking out of the giant plaza where my little Interior Design office was located.

You know that thing when you bump into someone and then you both go left; then right together; then left again? When you exchange awkward smiles and one person has to stand still till the other passes?

Yeah that. Well, it happened to me. But it stopped at the awkward smile part; cause as I looked up to smile the awkward smile; I froze. And so did he.

It was him. As in, HIM!

Oh you don’t know who ‘him’ is? Remember that best friend you had in SS3? Yes, that one you’re no longer in touch with! Well, this was her older brother. Why did we freeze? Well, because of ‘that night’.

“Tunde, Teni is saying goodnight!” Ayo had told her brother as I stared anywhere but at him. Tunde; my everlasting crush on him had been my personal secret.

“Oh? Should I drop you off?” His deep voice had reached out to envelope me. I tried to stop the stupid smile that always showed up when he was near. “Um.. If you want.”

“Abeg, Tunde, please drop her. I have to wash plates before mummy comes back.”

In the car. With Tunde. There was no silence. Not because we were talking – no, his loud rock music was probably leaving headaches as he sped down the roads. I softly sang along so: a) he would notice I had a great voice; and b) he would notice I was also into his kind of music.

He shouted something over the music. I pointed to my ears. I had managed to keep a straight face so far. He reduced the volume.

“I’m traveling. Transferring.”

My heart had started to race double time. I said “Oh”. I tried to make it sound off-hand and carefree but it came out tiny and squeaky.

“I haven’t told Ayo yet. She thinks it’s later in the year.” He had drawn out a deep breath. “She says you’re going to Abuja next week.. So you probably won’t meet me when you get back..”

I had said nothing. A small tear had managed to escape. I faced the window. I wondered if he could hear my heart break.

The rest of the ride had been silent. Two houses from mine, he had parked. I frowned. He had turned to me.

” So.. umm.. This is goodbye.”

I hadn’t known what to do. “Bye.” I had squeaked again and stretched my hand for a handshake. He’d smiled a silly smile and drawn me closer to hug me.

I’d inhaled deep. Storing his scent in my head, in my heart. He was leaving me; clueless that he was leaving me.

Until he’d touched my face. Softly. Eyes open wide, I’d gazed up. Love-struck. Letting it all out. And I’d seen a reflection of my heart in his eyes. Or I’d hoped.

He kissed me. My first kiss. My heart ran and flew then burst into fireworks. He kissed me again. My second kiss. I counted till six. Then a whispered “Bye” was all I said afterward.

I didn’t hear from him again. If he sent his sister to me, she never delivered the messages.

And now, he’s back.

I don’t know if I still feel anything for him. It’s been a long time. He was my first love. Love? Even too fleeting to call ‘love’.

He’s back. “Hi”. He says.

How do I play this?

********************************************

There you go. Betty has asked her question but for me I want to hear your “young love” stories (yes, even if it’s with Ekaette or Akpan). No matter how silly or ridiculous it is, use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.

Future Sex

SHE

He’s such a jerk….Dora fumed as she stepped into her apartment. We were supposed to have a romantic evening and he ruins it by being so bloody insensitive. She didn’t mean to keep Johnny from him. He just always got so paranoid about her exes. The sad part was that she had really wanted to go back to his place and work out the tension of the hectic workweek with some mind-blowing sex. She stepped into her walk in closet and was mildly comforted by the sight of her shoe collection.

Something glistened in the corner…the sensors for her ipad 5000x. So that’s where I left them. Who needs men she thought as she scooped them off the floor and slid into bed. Her ipad lay there from working in bed earlier that day. She connected the sensors to her temples, scanned her fingerprints and skipped thru the welcome screen. No time for that, Mama wants to play. She went straight to the Sex4D icon and launched the app.

What’s your fantasy, Lady D? Said d sexy voice of Idris Elba, British accent and all. It sent shivers down her spine. She hurriedly typed in Bad kitty. A fantasy she had spent months perfecting on lonely nights, fights with James and general naughtiness. The hologram flickered on in front of her. Please begin customization, D…. Idris Elba said again. Oh yes please she thought. She quickly selected the body of Fally Ipupa, moaning already at the thought of that waist in motion, the face of Michael Ealy, the sexy southern accent of T.I and named him Chris. Oops almost forgot… and added an extra 4 inches to d tent in his briefs.

Initiate she purred. Immediately, the preset play list of the Bad kitty preset started to belt out T-pain’s ‘Make love to a rap song’ and the bedroom faded to a dark room lit only the flames from a fireplace in the corner. She was lying on a thick soft rug and Chris was massaging her feet. How was your day D? Horrible she moaned. Well, lemme make it all better love. He proceeded to kiss his ways up her legs, planting little kisses every few inches., getting closer and closer to her aching centre. When he got to the juncture of her thighs, he kissed her thru her panties and ran his hands up her stomach to her breasts. Playing with her through her lacy bra and biting her throbbing clit gently with his teeth. Chris, take it off, she moaned. And he proceeded to do just that. He held her legs open with his hands and pulled her panties off slowly with his teeth. Touch yourself he commanded. Touch those beautiful tits for me. Yes daddy she moaned. He was heading back to her centre now and she was getting wetter waiting for him to make contact.

Ring! Ring!

WTH?

She ripped off her sensors, and the scene faded. That had better be James coming to apologize she fumed as she walked towards the door.

 

HE

He walked into my apartment, half angry, half irritated – who does she think she is that she can just spring surprises like that. This is what this crazy world has come to. Allow these birds and they’ll destroy all of mankind. I need to get my mind off her. I need to prove I don’t need her – for sex or any other thing. It was already 8pm, what was supposed to have led to a fulfilling night in bed has left me home alone.

I went into my room, kicked off my shoes. Took off my shirt and I saw my ipad 5000x lying on my bed by my pillow where I’d left it the night before. Yes, just what I needed. I took off my denims leaving only my boxers and my inner vest on. I fiddled through my bedside drawer and got out my 5D glasses. I grabbed my ipad and jumped in bed.

I scanned in my finger print..

(Welcome your royal endowedness) said Keri, the programmed voice for my ipad. I used to love it whenever she said that but not tonight. I only had one thing on my mind. I hit the search box and typed:

Sex4D

Then tapped once more to launch the application and in no time I was at the home Menu:

> Welcome, James.

> Please select number of partners

I entered one and moved to the next item but I thought again and went back up:

> 3

Enter

> Will you like to customize partners?

> Yes

I changed two of the girls to black. The bloody thing still sets skinny white girls as default, can you blame them. White girls can be so freaky. I left one in the mix. I skipped the other options after blessing the black girls I chose with enough T and A (tits and ass). The last box was to enter a name for the girls. I thought for a second then….

> Partner 1: Adebisi

> Partner 2: Sandra

> Partner3: Random

Her best friends; Yes; Let the party begin. I plugged in my 5D glasses and leaned back in bed. I felt Sandra’s touch first. This thing can be terribly realistic. Silver lacy Victoria’s secret lingerie… ooohhh… Then I noticed Adebisi and Kim (as she introduced herself) they were both already naked. I shifted with anticipation even as I felt Sandra climbing on to the bed.

 

……… it lasted all of 3 minutes.

 

I picked up my phone and dialed Aisha… she was home… I flung my ipad and glasses aside and threw on denims and a tee….. Screw virtual, I need me some real pum pum…

I’m sure at some point we’ve all imagined what a virtual roll in the hay would feel like (ok, maybe not all of us). Shout out to the wonderful Adesuwa (checkout her blog here)for writing this with me. This is our excuse to measure just how freaky you lot out there are.. So it’s your turn, use the comment box, let us know what your idea of virtual sex would be. Cheers.

PS: This video inspired this post.

 

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