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Our Best Friends Wedding: Episode 8: Jadesola

Hey people. So, I’ll just do the rituals and run away to hide let y’all read. If you haven’t been following the series, use this link here to read up on all you’ve missed and for those who don’t know, the series is jointly written by @cikk0 and I. You can check out his blog here.

*******************

Kemi’s crib

*******************

“So how did it go?” Kemi asked. Jade seemed distracted but suddenly snapped back into the present. “What?” she asked.

“The date with Charles?” Kemi tried to scan Jade’s face.

“Oh that?”

“No. Of course that. Now shpeel. How did it go?” Jade’s face was completely devoid of expression as she started to reply:

“In one word, it was…”

*                *                *

“Beautiful, just utterly beautiful,” Jade breathed as she touched the orchids that lined the pathway to the building. As she arrived at the entrance, she looked up at the sign: “Derrick’s.”

“I can see you’re pulling out all the stops,” Jade chimed as she stepped into the luxurious culinary wonderland that was Derrick’s.

“How I for do na?” Charles replied. His eyes were bright with excitement. Someone was giddy tonight.

They were shown to a table and were not quite seated when Charles pulled out his phone. “Vibration.” He explained quickly as he maneuvered his track-pad. He was typing while he navigated his frame into the chair. Jade helped herself into her chair as well. Without Charles’ assistance. She suppressed a frown. Charles was not on his best behaviour today.

“What are you typing, Cha-cha?” He rose his face to meet Jade’s glare. He couldn’t have looked more culpable if the letters G-U-I-L-T-Y were stamped on his forehead.

“Erm. Nothing. Sorry.” And right at that moment, the awkwardness started.

“Entreés!” announced a waiter from behind Charles. Startled, he turned abruptly. Unfortunately, the waiter was already quite close. Charles, inadvertently it seemed, hit him with his elbow.

The tray clattered to the floor…

********************************************

University Of Lagos 11 years ago…

********************************************

“Choi! See babe!” Promise whispered.

“As in…” Charles replied.

“Champagne, go holler the babe na.” Champagne. One of many nicknames Charles hated.

“Mouth dey pain you?” Charles shot back

“Guy don’t fall my hand. You are the campus chairman na. Head of the Women Organizing Committee. The only guy to pull a year five chic AND an extra year law student in his first year!”

“Oh. So that’s why you guys started calling me a romancer of the elderly?!”

“Took you this long to figure it out eh?”

“Bagger…”

“Now, you’re in year two. This bush meat should be a breeze for you.”  Promise goaded.

Charles took the bait. He walked towards her.

************************

Derrick’s…

************************

Charles was again looking at his phone; giggling to himself.

“Up here dude.” Jade yelled.

“I’m so sorry, Jade. Chioma’s been cracking me up all evening.”

“Yeah. I noticed,” she quipped,

“Come on, don’t be like that. Okay. I promised you my full attention. And you’ve got it…” he trailed off as his phone beeped again. Without thinking, he looked at it again and touched his forehead as he bubbled with laughter.”

“Always a jerk,” Jade muttered,

*                *                *

“Hi my name is…”

“Charles.” She finished for him.

“You know me?” Charles was shocked.

“Yes. I know you. Everyone knows you. Even freshmen.”

“Ha. And what else do you know about me?” Charles asked

“I know that you have a small penis…” she giggled

“That is so not true! At its very worst, during haramttan, average. But when…”

“Calm down,” she interrupted again. “I was just pulling your legs. The outer two not your third.” Charles laughed in appreciation of a good tease. This was a smart one, he thought.

“Well played. And your name is?”

“Jadesola. But please call me Jade.”

“Well, you already know my name is Charles…”

“Yeah, but can I call you Cha-cha? You know.. Sorta like brand new.. my new catch?”

Charles was shocked by her boldness.

“What?!!”

*                *                *

Somehow, the bottle of red wine had toppled over and poured on the table. Also, said wine had speedily made its way across from Charles’ end to Jade’s. Her dress now looked like a crime scene. A few screams and wiping motions later, Charles offered:

“Look, Jade I’m sorry this isn’t working out the way we planned,”

“You bet it isn’t. Look at my dress! Oh dear Lord.” Jade whimpered.

“I’m so sorry this wasn’t the plan…”

And with that, it all made sense to her.

“You coward. You did this all on purpose didn’t you?” She spat

“Of course not. How could I?”

And Jade stormed out.

****************

Kemi’s Crib

****************

“No. Of course that. Now shpeel. How did it go?” Jade’s face was completely devoid of expression as she started to reply:

“In one word it was…” Jade hesitated as she thought out the appropriate word. Kemi couldn’t wait.

“Spit it out my friend. I don’t have all day!”

“Kemi, it was fucking awful…”

“What?” Kemi was stupefied. “How bad?”

“I cried afterwards. That bad.”

“Eek.” Kemi’s phone rang. She picked it. Jade watched.

“Hello. Hmm. Ok… WHAT? Are you even serious?” Kemi hung up. Kemi fumed. Jade was curious.

“That bastard Charles…” Kemi said

“What did he want?” Kemi shook her head. Kemi rolled her eyes. Kemi spoke.

“The name of the next girl…”

*                *                *

Charles put down the phone. Kemi and Jade would hate him for this but it was the best thing to do under the circumstances. He looked down and into Jade’s stare. Those eyes, those crazy beautiful eyes. They did it for him now as they did all those years ago.

He opened the drawer from where it came and placed the old photograph back in…

***********

There you go. So the story continues. Please use the comment box to share your thoughts and comments. Cheers.

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Super Coochie

My friends call me SC.
I’d honestly love to say that I have the solution to world hunger and poverty.
That’s far-fetched but my friends seem to think I have special powers and I’m beginning to think they might just be right.

It started in College with Lanre
We dated for a year after he took my virginity
We parted ways; at least I thought we did.
But he lingered and lingered
Stalking my toasters
He got arrested once
Because I wouldn’t give him my coochie
This Super Coochie.
10 years, a wife and a kid later,
Lanre hits me up on Facebook,
I still miss your pussy…

Steve worshipped SC,
All night
That’s how long he liked to erm.. please her..
But even a coochie with super powers gets sore
In a way, I actually miss that
2 years after we broke up,
He began calling and texting
Everyday
For one more chance at this kitty
He called me, the morning of his wedding
6am
I’m going down the aisle in a few hours he said
One more time, for old times’ sake?
He begged.
For one more fuck
One more tongue-bath
Did I mention that he came to blows with my next boyfriend?

I may know why she’s so powerful though
You know?
I’ve never used lube one day in my life.
Men find her unending flow of elixir very mesmerising

Kevin was married when we met
I’d sworn to never to do one of those
I don’t know how to explain it
It just happened
Once, twice, five times
At first, it wasn’t so bad,
Maybe he won’t get addicted I thought
Until he let it slip
That he had lost taste for his wife
She was young, slim and I’ll admit – quite a looker
There’s no reason for that, I argued
She doesn’t taste like you
She doesn’t get wet like you
He said, as he buried his face and paid homage to SC
The chosen one

Sometimes I wish they didn’t fall so hard – sometimes.

Signed – SC
Wrecking havoc since 2002…

Today’s post was just one I couldn’t express well enough by myself so I sought the help of my pseudo guest blogger Deji who also wrote this piece here. Let me state clearly that I DO NOT believe in the SC theory. I’m yet to find a guy who claims the main reason he got married to his wife is cause ‘the sex is excellent’ yet most women seem to believe good bedding skills can nail a guy. Don’t get me wrong, being the ‘Usaine’ Bolt of the rump olympics will probably get you far, might get you a car, a house but NOT a basketballer. Yes. In my opinion, there’s just more to it. Think I’m right or wrong, use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.

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