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Monologues

This tag is associated with 2 posts

The Penis Monologues Remix (Scene 3 & 4)

The one who cheated – (By @thetoolsman)

I cheated.

There.

I said it.

I’m not even going to lie.

And it was well worth every second.

Every time I looked down at her and saw her thick lips wrapped around my penis; I smiled.

That smile I hadn’t smiled in years.

Every time I ran my fingers through her freshly waxed legs; I smiled.

That knowing smile telling me I was fucking a woman

And when I flipped her around, hands and knees on the bed, face in the pillow,

I didn’t hear that familiar murmur, that grumbling voice telling me to stop.

So I thrusted as deep and hard as I could

I kept going till she said my name

Tunde…

Oh… Tunde…

I like that.

She liked it.

Aisha, your best friend of over ten years liked everything I did to her.

My penis. Liked everything she did to him.

But did I? Really? Did I want this?

Why did you have to change?

Blowjobs went with our first year anniversary.

“Let’s save something for marriage”, you said.

Waxing your legs (or any other body part for that matter), stopped after I proposed.

And then you took away the doggy.

You just wanted to lie on your back all the time no matter how much I complained.

Sex with my wife or sex with a MAN?

Aisha made me feel heterosexual again.

Yes I cheated.

There. I said it again.

My Condoms (By @CapoeiraPanda)

My condoms are too cheap.

*sigh*

That’s what she told me this morning.

She said she didn’t want my penis going into her wrapped up in these “four for fifty naira gala wrappers”.

This is the last straw.

My condoms are too cheap. Really?

I mean, who complains about the cost of the condoms as long as the sex is good?

I mean, a penis is a penis right?

Ok, I take that back…

But of course, now she can be selective.

Rather, now she can AFFORD to be selective.

Now she can. Or well, Chief “I don’t know his name but he has plenty money” can.

She always did like good and expensive stuff, but she knew I couldn’t afford to buy them for her.

Is that the only reason why she did it?

Was it only for the money?

Someone call me naïve (sharrap there!), but it isn’t all supposed to be about money is it?

What about love?

What about feelings?

I always treated her right. Loved her, respected her, never cheated on her.

No, I’m serious. I never cheated. Let’s just say my penis was working in line with my heart on this one.

Speaking about my penis, she always called him her “Boy Wonder”.

So I KNOW the sex was good.

Wasn’t that enough? Love? Good sex? What happened to the “Power of the P…”?

Oh…wait…that only applies to women doesn’t it?

I told my friend about it when I found out.

He said: Love, respect, and a well-functioning penis can’t buy Prada bags and expensive condoms…

I thought I’d be able to handle it…maybe forgive her…maybe let her be.

But then, on Wednesday, Boy Wonder wouldn’t get up for her.

It was strange. I guess he was working with my heart again.

I thought it was just a slight problem…a temporary glitch…

But then, it happened… (Or I should say it didn’t happen again) on Friday

And this morning, when I finally got it up, she said she doesn’t like my condoms.

My condoms are too cheap.

Really?

Hey guys, have to say a huge thank you for all the great comments we received yesterday. Here’s scene 3 & 4 dwelling on issues even more common in our society today. Too many times the menfolk get all the blame whenever they cheat, but maybe, just maybe there’s more to it. And as for the cheap condoms, I’ll let you guys comment on that. Use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.

The Penis Monologues Remix (Scene 1 & 2)

Scene 1: Limp (By @JCphoenixx)

I used to pride myself on customer satisfaction.

The sounds of content that involuntarily escaped the lips of every one of my conquests

The sighs.

The moans.

The pleading.

The violation of the third commandment.

The look of amazement as I thrust them over the line of ecstasy.

They say you never know what you ‘Hard’ till its gone.

That’s all I can think about as I lay here – LIMP.

I used to be more than this.

I’m a successful man, but I’d trade it all to be able to command a rush of blood to my penis at will, without having to resort to blue pills.

“What’s wrong darling”? She asks.

Her voice irritates me. I think I detect a hint of sarcasm.

Can’t believe I found her attractive.

She’s lying there, looking at me. There it is! The beginnings of a smile!

“What! You can’t get it up”? She says.

“Fuck you” I say.

But deep down, I know I won’t. Can’t.

Scene 2: The drunk (By @SheriphSkills)

*hic

Bobo no go die unless *hic

Du du ke du… du ke…

*hic

What? What?

Why are you all looking at me as if I killed Jesus…

Oh, she sent you abi.. You are all here to mock me. Mock us.

Me and my penis .

Junior you hear that? They want to mock us…

Hahahahahahahahaha…

Well… *burrrppp

I have news for you… Weee don’t carrreee…

So my wife sent you.. She’s always jealous of me sleeping with other women.

She keeps forgetting how I came to marry her.

*hic

My dear wife Ronke, what a gorgeous woman she is.

Very domineering… she rides me like a warrior on his stallion..

We met at a bar. Suraju the bartender had blessed me four times with my usual – Senior Udeme…

She sat alone in the corner sipping that Oyinbo green bottle – Heineken

I like my women a little meaty and at size 10, she was well endowed and perfect.

She just had her heart broken by some idiot. Don’t blame the blind fool.

We got talking easily and after introducing her to Udeme, we both downed two bottles each and then other juices began to flow.

We flew my Honda Chairman to my house and it wasn’t until I saw Morufu, my resident rat laughing at me as I opened the door that I realized how inebri .. inbreni..

*hic

Inebriated I was …

I tried to take charge but erm.. Rolake… I mean, Ronke… hiss, Ronke jo…

She was too heart broken and in no time she was galloping me away…

I woke up in the arms of my 300 kg lover the next morning.

Yes o.. 300 KILOGRAMS.. Apo iresi mefa (3 bags of rice) .. *hic

No wonder I couldn’t take charge…

Baby Yetunde came 9 months after and further ENLARGED our coast..

*hic..

So you see why we don’t care?

What’s the worst you’ll do, you’ll call me irresponsible, you’ll call me a drunk?

And I’ll respond…

*singing*  – Ma jaye ori mi.. *hic.. emi o meyin ola o… (I will enjoy my life because I don’t know what tomorrow will bring)

*hic

There you go guys. First two scenes from the penis monologues. I’m sure most guys can relate to both scenes (yes, MOST.. even the first). It’s time to hear from you. To share your thoughts, opinions and erm… (praises for the awesome writers), use the comment box. Cheers.

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