“Why are you yelling?”
“You want the neighbours to call the cops?”
“I don’t give a f*ck” she yelled again.
“Who the f*ck is she?”
“You Better not lie to me cause I found the receipt in your wallet. I just can’t believe you would do this to me… not after all we’ve been through. Say something Tyree!”
I’m Tyree, and the lady yelling at me is Keisha, my wife of 3 years. Keisha and I have been through hell together; she had my back when I had no one to turn to. She’s my life and I’ve promised myself that no matter what, I will do anything and everything to make and keep her happy. I love my wife more than life itself and I never meant to hurt her.
We’ve been living in our two-bedroom apartment for about two years now and sometimes, her family comes to visit. Three months ago, her cousin and her mom stopped by unexpectedly. Whenever they come, I try to be on my best behaviour. Her mum doesn’t like me cause she thinks I’m not good enough for her daughter (sometimes I think she’s right).
Ms. Ross is a 42 year old widowed society woman; a confirmed MILF. However, unlike her daughter she’s downright annoying and mean (to me at least). Monica (Keisha’s cousin) is also petite and sexy as hell but she’s a whore; everybody knows this. She’s always trying to make me do things with her but I never give into temptation. Keisha knew about Monica’s advances but she thought it was harmless. That’s what we all thought.
It was my brother’s birthday so me and the boys took him out for some drinks. I was totally wasted by the time I got home. I can hardly remember what happened but I know everyone was asleep. I didn’t bother with the lights in the sitting room; I just went straight for the couch. It wasn’t till I got there that I realized Keisha had been sitting there all along. She was wearing her favorite nightie, the silk and lace one. I couldn’t miss it; I bought it for her on our last anniversary.
I kissed my wife and she quickly grabbed my hand as if to support me from falling. “Come here, I’ve been waiting all night for you” she said. She held me tight in her arms and then she kissed me like she had really missed me. She helped me to the couch and within moments she was stroking and touching. We made sweet passionate love. The alcohol in my system made everything feel different – in a good way. She seemed a little more aggressive but I loved it.
When we were done, she got up and went into the bathroom, as she would normally do. But when she finished, she went straight into the room. I was too tired to get up so I slept on the couch.
Morning came, I woke up with the worst headache ever. Keisha greeted with me with a kiss “good morning babe, what time did you get back?” “What do you mean what time did I get back?” “I was in the room waiting for you but you never came.”
My head began to spin. “Where’s Monica. And your mom?” “They left really early this morning.”
Keisha was wearing my t-shirt and a pair of shorts so I knew she wasn’t the one on the couch the night before. I couldn’t ask her any other question else she would have suspected something. God!!! I f*cked up! I’m never drinking again.
*Fast forward to the present*
Here we are now! The lady on the couch got pregnant that night but she had to get an abortion. I thought I would never get caught but I was wrong. Now I’m here wondering how to explain to the woman I love that I slept with another woman because I thought it was her? Will she believe me and how on earth am I supposed to tell her it was her mother?
“Say something Tyree!!” she yelled.
Hey everyone. So I decided to edit and put up this thought provoking piece sent to me by one of our baby closet writers (@TEMIptation) because of the comments from the Rules of (Dis)engagement post I put up on Monday. This piece is not a true-life story but I can tell you I’ve heard a true story that’s probably worse. Yes they are rare but they happen. Sometimes you just find yourself in that position you just can’t explain. Underwear sticking out of your couch; strangers sending you raunchy messages and pictures e.t.c. How does one tackle these situations without hurting the people you love or completely destroying the level of trust they have in you. You know the drill, use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.
Hey people. If you haven’t been following the series, use this link here to read up on all you’ve missed and for those who don’t know, the series is jointly written by @cikk0 and I.
You might notice we have a new banner today, it’s because the good people of Barows 21 have decided to sponsor this category and every week, they’ll be giving out one free international magazine.
Today, the magazine will go to the first person to post the names of all the girls Charles has dated so far in the right order. Goodluck.
Charles put down the phone. Kemi and Jade would hate him for this but it was the best thing to do under the circumstances. He looked down and into Jade’s stare. Those eyes, those crazy beautiful eyes. He opened the drawer from where it came and placed the old photograph back in. As he pushed the drawer shut, he looked at the empty picture frame on the table. He reached for it and pulled it open, the blank face turned out to be the back of a picture.
“Who am I kidding. I miss you like crazy. Eight freaking weeks.” Charles laughed. Every chuckle reeking with sarcasm. “I can’t do this anymore.” With that, he picked up his phone, dialed a number and lay back in bed listening on as the phone rang on the other end.
“Come on… please pick up.”
Charles listened till the tone stopped and then flung the phone to the other side of the bed in anger. Almost immediately, the phone’s message tone cried out and he quickly rolled across to pick it.
The text message read: “We are almost there. Don’t give up on me now.”
3 Days later
Jade: Hello *giggling sound*
Kemi: erm.. what’s going on there? Can you talk?
Jade: *more giggling sounds* Hold on please. Give me a second.
Kemi holds on for what seemed like a whole minute before Jade returns to the phone.
Kemi: Hmm… somebody seems surprisingly happy. What’s going on? Where have you been and who was that tickling you?
Jade: Wow, wow… easy cowgirl! One question at a time…
Kemi: Do I look like your mother? You’ve been totally A.W.O.L. for the past three days. I’ve been worried shitless and you’re telling me to calm down?
Jade: Awwhh… I’m sorry Sister Kemi. I just needed some me time. I needed to get away.
Kemi: And you ‘got away’ with whom?
Jade: *giggles* Well, you know that offer Mayowa put on the table a while back?
Kemi: Oh no you didn’t. You stowed away to wallow by having sex with your ex?
Jade: Correction: Wild. AMAZING. Sex.
Kemi: I’m listening.
Jade: I can’t talk much. He’s in the bathroom but I can’t lie: he just seems so different Kemi. He’s been talking non-stop saying things like if I decide to come back I better be ready to be his Mrs. and have his babies this time. It’s all just so amazing.
Kemi: erm.. ok.. so I’m blushing for you here even though I’m still mad you were getting your nookie on. Especially since I couldn’t totally enjoy the Captain because I was worried about you.
Jade: awwhh.. that’s just so sweet..
Kemi: Abeg abeg gerrout jo! I’m going to look for my Captain. Sha use protection.
Later that evening… Point hotel’s Tiki Bar
Charles is seated at the bar with Promise.
“Wow. Oh bobs, you try oh. I’m not sure I would have been able to go down with this whole thing.” Promise shook his head as he spoke.
“Well, I guess that’s why they say love makes you do crazy things.” Charles responded. Both men slowly sipped from their glasses and then Promise shook his head again.
“Hmmph.. love sha. Doesn’t that also define you and Chioma? Or where is she in all of this?” Charles looked away from Promise and seemed to be in shock as he spoke. “She’s there.” Promise laughed mildly in response… “There where? She dey your room?” “No, she’s there. Behind you. Walking towards the restaurant.”
Before Promise could spin around to take a look, Charles was off his stool walking fast towards the restaurant. When he got to the door, he stood still for a few seconds surveying the room and then, like a hunter spotting his prey he began walking towards a table.
“Miss Chioma Okafor. How typical. You, dinner alone in the corner of the room, sipping a glass of Red Muscadel. Yup, this is you alright.” Chioma didn’t respond. She watched as Charles sat in the chair opposite her.
“And this is so typical of you. The ideal gentleman to the world except those of us who really know you,” she countered.
“Well, what can I say, the people who really know us accept us with our faults.”
They both stayed silent for a few seconds staring at each other as if taking mental pictures. Charles spoke first. “You look real good. I guess the fashion industry isn’t as bad as they say it is nowadays.” Her retort was swift:
“Well, I guess I can say the same about you. Lying, I mean; advertising has always been profitable.”
“Oh, by the way, I hope you’re not really waiting for a guest, I could…..” Charles trailed off,
“Oh, come off it Charles. I’m here, you’ve found me, what is it you want to say to me?”
“I just want to know why? Why have you been running? I thought that was my thing? Were we together for so long that you picked up just more than the name of your clothing line from me?”
“Me, run? I’m sure you know me better than that?
“Then what has been going on?”
Chioma took a sip of her drink, smiled and then looked at Charles. “Have you finally told that poor girl the truth? “ She asked.
“What are you talking about Chioma?”
“Stop it Charles. When will you stop this? You need to tell Jade the truth and stop living in denial. I chose to opt out of your little game because I knew you hadn’t confronted her. It’s just not fair Charles.”
Charles looked into Chioma’s eyes and for a second he was transported several years back – sitting on his student bed in his hostel room with Chioma sitting across him. Crying. He covered his face with his hands and took a deep breath as he remembered Chioma walking out of his hostel room.
Chioma reached out and touched Charles’ hand on the table. “Charles, you’re one of the only two men I’ve ever truly loved, that’s why I can’t help telling you the truth… And please just stop with that look already.”
“I’m not… this isn’t … Can I please get a hug?” Chioma looked away rolling her eyes. “No, I’m serious Cee… “this one has really really gotten to me.” Chioma got off her seat and Charles walked into her open arms hugging her tightly. After what seemed like forever, he pulled back just enough to stand face to face with her. Moments passed and Charles moved in for a kiss…
Kemi: What is it?
Jade: hahaha… I can see I interrupted something..
Captain: Yes you did. Can you please leave me and wife alone.
Jade: Aye aye, Captain. Just give me a minute.
Jade: So, have you heard from Charles?
Kemi: He’s been calling nonstop but I haven’t picked. Is that why you pulled a nookie intruder on me?
Jade: *laughs* Ok, ok, I’m sorry but I guess you can pick his call now. I’m over that. Lets move on to his next girl and see where he’s going with all of this.
Kemi: Good lawd! The power of the D – I – C – K!
Jade: Sharrap jo…
Kemi: Ok, I’ll send him Taiwo next then.
Jade: Ok. Cool… now, as you were.
*singing* It’s too big, it’s too wide, it wont fit… I got a big you know… Oh, not that.. and certainly not that famous head either.. Today we shall be discussing a very big and famous Elephant. It’s been around for so long we all just live with him and I thought it was about time someone called him out.
A couple of posts back we looked at things men don’t want in their women and it sparked off all sorts of conversations, sub-posts and a couple of bloggers even did female versions of the post. One thing I realized after putting up that post was that in asking men what they do not want in women, I was inadvertently asking for what they do want. This became more obvious as the comments came in and some of those comments helped form the foundation for this post.
Looking through the thread, I realized one thing stood out. Almost every guy that commented mentioned the fact that they want their women to be exposed/intelligent. In fact, I did a word search on that page and it was interesting to see that the word intelligent/intelligence came up sooooo many times and this was a sharp contrast to the what women DONT want post on The Cream and Coffee Blog where the word came up only twice.
Now, I’m sure there were a lot of factors responsible for this but I want to pick on this to start todays conversation. As a lot of women asked on these posts, can men really handle these things they ask for? It’s a male dominated world and successful black women are constantly bombarded with haunting statistics suggesting many of them are doomed to remain spinsters or as we have it nowadays, become bi-sexual or homosexual. Is it coincidental that a lot of women didn’t spend time talking about how they wanted their men to be more educated, exposed and intelligent than them?
Many women spoke about wanting open-minded men, well, maybe that was their way of saying I want someone open minded enough to accept me even if I’m more intelligent/exposed/successful than him, maybe. The question is, how many men can really REALLY handle this. Lets look at a couple of scenarios:
So she talks you into attending her high school reunion with her. You really didn’t have too much of a choice since she attended yours. But you attended ‘Model College Somewhere‘ and your reunion was a party at Elegushi beach. On the other hand, she attended ‘*Insert British name here* Private School‘ and ALL, yup, all of her classmates went on to school outside the country; most making it into Ivy League Colleges where a lot of them met their partners/spouses. At the cocktail, you look the part and all but then one question keeps coming back to you all through the night and after avoiding it a few times, a very nosy guy (probably her ex) confronts you and asks:
“Somto, I didn’t quite catch what college you graduated from.” *Crickets*
At another event, a birthday dinner perhaps. You’re seated at the dinner table with your girlfriend and loads of her friends and their boyfriends too. The conversation goes from one thing to the other and at some point people start talking about the countries they’ve visited overseas with your girlfriend unconsciously chipping in and not noticing that you’re the only person at the table who hadn’t contributed. Suddenly someone turns to you and asks.. “…So tell us Somto, what interesting places have you visited?” *Crickets*
These are just two scenarios but what you also don’t know is that over time, she has had to dumb down her conversations with you. Wanting to discuss new books she’s read, politics, international news e.t.c but seeing as your only interests are football, food and twitter fights, she’s had to compromise. Of course there are alternatives and we don’t even have to look far. Her royal highness ‘King B’ in one of her many many sermonized songs spoke about ‘upgrading men’ but then again, quoting something I found online (I need to find the source) “The problem with upgrading a man is you rarely see a return on your investment. And what happens when the two of you break up? All the women he dates from henceforth will reap the rewards of the new man you helped create. However, is it a double standard when it comes to men taking women from rags to riches?”
Well, thats a question for a possible sequel to this post. Today I’d like to ask, can men look past that big old elephant called ego and REALLY handle being with women who are smarter/more exposed/more successful then them and when does a woman’s intelligence become emasculation? You know the drill, use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.
PS: Voting continues at the Nigerian Blog awards. Use this link to here to cast your votes.. thanks.
She felt his chest rumble beneath her ear as he called her name. She sighed and curled closer to him. They were sharing the large armchair in his living room. His hands moved rhythmically across her back. She sighed again.
His hands paused.
“Let me in, S. Let me into your head.”
They’d been together for four months. Samirah was one of those weird ones- The men didn’t understand but wanted her even more fiercely. She chose Ty. Ty chose her. They fell in love. But Samirah still held a part of her back. They’d shared their bodies; their homes. But not that.
He’d shared his all. Told her everything. “I hate my family,” he’d said. “I never want to see them again. Ever.”
She’d consoled him but never let go of what he wanted the most. The part of her soul that was behind a thousand barriers, all made of steel.
“I love you, Ty.”
“I know you do, Sam.. But… Talk to me. I’m here.”
She turned her head so it was buried in his broad chest; her muffled words drifted up to him. “A long while ago..”
And she let go and let him in. Her fears. Her past. All. And when the tears fell freely; he cried with her. Reveling in her words. Not the words in themselves, but what saying them meant. She had given herself totally. To him.
And they took themselves, there on the carpeted floor in front of the armchair that now held significance- of two souls reaching out and melding into each other. For life.
The white walls were a sharp contrast to her purple kaftan. Her hair was standing around her pale face. Dark circles underneath her slanted eyes.
She found the doctor. He looked down at her kindly.
“Where is he?” Her voice came out in a whisper. A crack in her voice. “Is he dead? Just tell me.”
“No. But are you family?”
She let out a sharp breath. “Yes. Yes, I am.”
Tears slipped down her face. Relief, evident in her dark eyes.
The doctor frowned; hesitated then said-
“Come with me.”
He was sitting up in bed, smiling at some stranger.
He looked right at her. Then looked away.
She walked in. “Ty..”
“Who are you?” The stranger asked harshly. “Who is she, John?” He asked the doctor.
The doctor frowned again. “Sorry Kenny. She said she was family.” He turned to her. “I thought..”
But she wasn’t listening to either of them. She walked over to Ty who was looking confused.
She reached out to touch the bandage on his head. “Taye…” He was quiet. “Taye?”
He stayed quiet.
Then. “I’m sorry, I don’t know you.”
She looked to the doctor. His face had softened again. “I’m sorry, Taye has lost some of his memory.”
The stranger spoke again. “Well, I’m his brother. His twin brother. Who are you to Taye?”
Samirah’s eyes cut back to Taye’s. Urging him to speak up. To remember. To remember them.
But after a few seconds, he looked away, uncomfortable.
“If you won’t answer, you might have to leave. The parents will soon be here, Mother won’t want a stranger lurking around.”
Samirah was silent. Her gaze still intent on Taye.
Then she turned and walked out of the room, the hospital and his life. Leaving most of herself behind.
Hi everyone. So, first of all, I’d like to dedicate this post to my soul sister @Ms_Dania…be happy in Bayelsa. Now to the post. Writing this, I imagined just how difficult it is for some people to open up to others. The fear, the hurt, the pain that goes along with it. Now imagine this scenario after going through all of that. They say every decision in life is a gamble; some are just worth more than others. Imagine yourself as Samirah, would you stay, would you leave? Use the comment box and speak your mind. Ciao.
Hey people. Start of another week and despite my ridiculously short weekend, I’ve decided to remain positive. So I was going through so of my old posts and I realized I had done two quite similar posts in the past. One on ‘what women want‘ and another on ‘what a girl needs‘. I began to wonder why I hadn’t done a similar post on men and the first answer that came to mind was maybe because there’s this general assumption as regards what men want from the opposite sex. Ask most women and even some men and their answers will probably not vary much. The world has stereotyped the wants of men when it comes to the opposite sex to mostly physical. If that’s the case and the world knows what we want from women, so what then don’t we want?
Most of lastweek I spent my very little free time re-reading Malcolm Gladwells Outliers (excellent read for those who haven’t read it) and this book always gets me wondering about the powers of statistics. Now some of the findings in the book are results of years and years of research carried out on thousands of people. As much as I would love to do that, I really don’t have the time.. well.. and the money. So I decided to take my chances with yet another no-so-survey. I rounded up three very vocal and opinionated young men from different backgrounds and I asked them one question:
What are the top five things that put you off a woman in their order of importance?
These were their answers:
5. Inability to hold an intelligent conversation: I like to talk a lot, about anything and everything. So its important that she’s able to match that. I’m not asking for a know-it-all (Olorunmaje), I just want a girl who knows how to express herself when she’s got an opinion or shut up, listen & occasionally chip in when she doesn’t.
4. Sense of style (Fashion-wise): I’m not asking for a Gucci, Louis, Prada Hoochie. No sir, clothes (handbags & shoes) don’t make the lady.. I believe the key factor here isn’t the tag but the lady wearing them.
3. Sense of humour: If you can watch a whole episode of Seinfeld & your lips don’t even curve even a wee little bit then you’ve lost me. I’m sorry but Basketmouth don’t count. You’ve lost me.
2. Sexual Orientation: I’m not asking if you’re gay or straight. I want to know what your opinion on sex is and honestly I’d like to know what your sexual appetite is like. Not asking if you’re ‘gonna bang’ either.
1. Clingy Babes: You’re bored and I’m busy at the office but you think I should chat with you via BBM all day??? #Jonzing.
5. Speech: major turn off if she cannot speak properly. I’m talking eloquence, diction and use of vocabulary. Pronunciation also. Don’t want to be talking to a girl that pronounces “teeth” as “theet” or “throat” as “troth”.
4. Hygiene: body odor or mouth odor or both.
3. Appearance: I love stylish girls that know how to dress and know what outfit is best for their body and not wear the wrong stuff cause it’s in vogue. Makes them look out of place. Big tummy and no hips? Drop the high waisted skirt.
2. Overly dependent: Big NO!
1. And most importantly…. Feet. That’s what I use to judge. If you ain’t got good looking feet or well taken care of ones… it turns me off.
5. Emotionless: well, this only applies when things are serious… The inability to express feelings and/or desires physically or otherwise ticks me off!
4. No goal(s): if I discover you’re just a ‘anywhere belle face’ chic, all about eateries and shopping! No plans for life… I can’t
3. No humor: if she’s not spot on with my jokes, retorts or comments and I have to explain or I notice she’s not sharp enough to understand.
2. Artificialness (for lack of a better word): Any girl that can’t be comfy without the plastic things, fake lashes, nails..All Fake everything etc…nope!
1. Her voice: I enjoy conversation, so if your voice ain’t worth hearing, I shut down.
PS: I didn’t mention beauty, this is because, for me, its the FIRST deal-breaker. If u haven’t got that, we can’t even get here!
Now, if you take a good look at the three responses, you’ll notice that some things stand out.
Sense of Style/Artificalness/Appearance –> Appearance
Clingy Babes/Overly Dependent/No goals –> Dependence
Sense of humour/No humour –> Humour
Now, I also asked some of my friends this same question and though I didn’t document their answers, I realized there was a pattern. The men of my generation were particular about their women’s appearance. They wanted them to exhibit some measure of independence and they wanted women who could not only relate with their sense of humour but also bring on the laughter from time to time.
I’m glad Kelvin added that last bit to his response because that’s assumed to be a constant. This discovery was however surprising to me and I could branch out from here into several theories but that would require more discussion and surveys. Until I can amass that much time and money, I’d have to rely on you guys. For the guys, I’d like your answer to the same question. If you agree with the guys I interviewed then simply express your opinion as per why you think the three things I highlighted really stood out. For the ladies, please don’t be left out, do you think the guys were being completely honest? Use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.
PS: If you missed the poll from yesterday, please check it here.
The topic I’m going to discuss today is one I have creatively avoided since I started this blog (don’t ask me why). Sometime last week, I came across a quote from one of my favorite bloggers. He said:
“Many are unaware of this, but “longdistancerelationship” is actually Arabic for u’re nt in a relationship anymore, u f*cking idiot!” – Champ
I tweeted this and I got a truckload of retweets as well as mentions asking if I agreed with the statement. Again, I ‘creatively’ evaded the questions. As if someone was trying to tell me something, over the weekend, I attended an event where I somehow found myself in the middle of a discussion centered around the same topic. I could have simply kept quiet but I’ve come to realize that as a blogger people tend to expect you to have an opinion on most subjects. I shared my thoughts and the responses I got brought about this post.
This is the ‘Wednesday Dialogue‘ Category so I’ve decided to throw the topic open for discussion but before we get to it I’ll throw up a little background.
It’s funny because I guess I can argue for both sides of the coin. I once got out of a prospective relationship because the girl in question lived on one end of Lagos while I lived on the other end. Don’t bite me just yet; there was more to the story. I’ve also been involved with someone who I never got to see for many many many months and I must say that those months are still so special to me. I’ve sampled many opinions on the subject and I’ve been able to narrow them down to the following points.
It’s the men
Its easy to point fingers at the guys and say we just can’t handle distance because we are physical beings. We have a natural desire for physical contact with the opposite sex and as a result, we give into temptation when we are away from our partners for so long.
Blame the women
On the flip side, the guys can argue that most women seem to be able to handle it because they are more emotional than physical beings. To a large extent, technology can cater for emotional needs. With the various forms of instant messengers, Skype etc, one can pretty much get by.
What’s at stake
Another way to look at it is to ask ‘what is at stake?‘ Some believe the higher the level of commitment, the easier it is to handle distance. The probability that a married couple with a child living having a long distance stint will have issues is less than a married couple without a child? Same applies for a 2 year old relationship when compared with a 6 month old relationship.
Also, if one of the parties involved compromises on way too much to get into the relationship, making the decision to leave/cheat when faced with a long distance stint will be much easier as opposed to when the relationship started off with both parties on the same plane.
Ok, there you have it. The stage is now set for our debate/discussion. Do you agree with the statement I quoted above? Tell us your answer and let us know if your reason falls under any of the points I listed. If not, please use the comment box and share your opinions. Cheers
Hey people. Hope your weekend was good. Ok, that’s that. So I’m a little bit pissed right now so y’all have to bear with me. Before I begin, let me just state that I’m shoving the bro-code to the curb today. Why? Cause I have a sister. I have female cousins and friends. I hope to have nieces and at least a daughter some day and I hope this piece right here will help them in one way or the other.
Forget religion and all, if you take one good look at yourself from head to toe with all the intricate features you were made with (no matter how beautiful/not-so-beautiful you are) and you still don’t feel enough self pride to walk away from a situation with a he/she with whom you clearly see no future then maybe I need to call the MFM folks to organize deliverance sessions here. Heck.. now that I’m even thinking about it, some of us brothers could find this info useful because the whole world seem to have lost their gaddem minds but sad thing is that most guys won’t admit to being in such situations so I’ll just keep it to the ladies.
The feeling varies from pity to sadness to anger, depending on how close I am to the victim (yes, victim) when I’m told just how ‘difficult’ or ‘impossible’ it is to walk away from him because… heck, most of the time, they can’t even come up with a good enough reason why they can’t seem to be able to leave despite the fact that they know he’s screwing some other chic / he’s head over heels for some other chic (who probably doesn’t like him half as much) / or HE’S NOT JUST THAT INTO THEM.
Well, since y’all won’t face facts and tell yourselves the truth, I’ve made it my duty to do so today. Here are some reasons why you need to set fire to the rain:
We are all SELFISH
Don’t even give me that bullcrap about how much you’ll hurt him if you walk away. This is about YOU. Yes, YOU. Not him. You’re not getting younger. Tick Tock. 23. You stick with his trifling behind. He doesn’t commit. 24. He gets into a relationship with your mutual friend, you still hang on in the name of whatever. 25. He’s single again, you think there’s hope… Smell the freaking coffee and do yourself a favour.
No woman was created for just one man
If you belong to the school of thought that disagrees with this then “wait behind for instructions” after reading this post. I think one of my favorite stats to quote is the world gender ratio. UN unofficial stats state that there are almost 9 women to 1 man now so please shove it. Don’t also go on about how there’s too much competition out there and how you’ll probably never find another. Question is, is he even yours?
The world still believes in Fairy tales
Since this is Nigeria, I might as well add this fairytale-ish point. Someone once said, if you want to know if something is yours, let it go and if it was really meant to be yours it’ll come back to you. (like I said, fairytale-ish) but yeah, if you’re so convinced he has feelings for you but can’t figure out why he can’t seem to commit, let him go (not partially, I mean delete EVERYTHING) and see what happens.
No one has ever died from emotional pain
If your excuse is not being able to handle the emotional trauma that will follow, then let me help you by stating (and yes, I did research this), that noone has ever been recorded to have died as a result of emotional hurt. You might cry, even have some sleepless nights but you won’t die.
He wont do it
If you’re still not convinced or your excuse is that you’re waiting for him to let you go then you need to know this: HE WON’T. Why? It’s sorta like what I tried to explain here. Greed is a basic human instinct (Ask Adam). He has you at his beck and call. He can have others and still come back to you so why on earth will he want to let you go?
Inserts Adele’s cd…. Someone like you…
If you’re a guy and you can relate to this, or you’re a chic and this post hit very close home, help me think up more points or share your experience by using the comment box. Speak your mind. Cheers.
PS: We have an interesting week ahead here. I’ll be introducing a new category tomorrow. On Wednesday, we’ll have an exclusive post from one of the erm.. ‘revered’ members of our comment community and on Thursday, we’ll have the third episode of Our Best Friend’s Wedding. Use this link to subscribe and stay informed.
Hey people, trust the weekend is going on well. As promised yesterday, here’s the revised pilot of the series. From here on, we’ll have shorter and more reader friendly episodes (I pray). As always, I’ll appreciate any form of feedback. Cheers.
“Will you just find me an educated midget.”
“I can’t do a show on vertically challenged people without talking to a midget can I?”
“Arrrghhhh stop ringing gaddemit.
“Let me call you back.”
I did it! I did it Kemi.
Oh, Charles I’m sorta in the middle of something… can I…
I just did it Kemi…
What did you do?
I bought a ring…….. I just went and bou—
You did what?
I bought a ring!
What kind of ring? For what? For who?
Well, that’s what you’re going to help me figure out.
I looked up to see Charles’ pearly white teeth grinning at me as he held open the door to my office with one arm while he clutched on to an opened jewelry box with his other hand. Oh, manners. Hi. My name is Adekemi Manuel. Host of “The Late Late Night Show With Kemi”, daughter to His Royal Highness, the Ooni of Ife and wife to Captain Babatunde Manuel. We’ll get to that later. Standing at the door to my office is Charles.
Charles: “Well, don’t just sit there. Are you just going to …. What are you doing? Who are you calling?”
Jade: Hey, Kemi, can I call you right back, I’m kinda in a tight position right now”
Kemi: Well, let me make it tighter for you – Charles bought a ring?
Jade: A what?
Kemi: Yes, you heard me right, he bought a WEDDING ring.
Jade: For what? I mean for who? ……. Whaooooooo … ouch.. Oooouuuuccchhh…
Kemi: Err… Jade, are you ok?
Jade: Ooooouuuch… Yes, I’m fine, I only almost just fell off an elephant.
Charles: Elephant? Where on earth are you this time?
Jade: Oh, so you’re there……. I’m in India; traveling with a UN team and I hope that ring is for Sandra.
Jadesola Adeyemi. The most selfless person I know, possibly the most selfless person in the whole world. She’s always in one place or the other somewhere in the world helping people and almost always forgetting about herself. More about her later..
Kemi: You mean Tara…
Jade: Oh, there are just too many of them.. but, yes, her…
Charles: Oh, hell no.. she has manly feet and that spooky sound she makes when she sleeps….not happening …
Kemi: Just stop. Stop it Charles. Why did you buy a ring if you have no one to give it to. Is this all a joke?
Charles: Well…. I’ll turn 30 in about ten weeks from today …. I visited my mom yesterday and she just…. she said somethings and I thought, what the heck, it’s time.. I’m matured enough… I’m ready…. so I went out and bought a ring.
Jade: Kemi, please slap him for me.
Jade: So that’s just why you bought a ring?
Kemi: wait, so, now what do you want from us.
Charles: Seeing as you guys are my bestest friends in the world and probably know more about me than anyone else, I’ve decided that you’ll help me make the decision.
Jade: huh? Is he being serious?
Charles: I know how hard a task it can be, considering my erm… past … and present… but here
(Charles brings out a folded sheet of paper from his pocket).
I call it, my “deed map”… On it, I have 19 names of girls I’ve been with at some point in my life and a little background information – most of which I’m sure you already know, if you can remember that is – well, I was aiming for ten but I just couldn’t… – so, 19 gurls and I need to eliminate 18 of them before my birthday so I can propose.
Oh, one more thing, this isn’t the bachelor – this is my life so, better take it seriously.
Kemi: You can’t be ….serious..
(Kemi said with her mouth wide open as she further examined the “deed map”)
Jade: I’ll be back next tomorrow.
Charles: That’s the spirit.. Oh, I’m late for a lunch date. I’ll talk to you girls later. Ciao
Charles Effiong. Youngest Ad Agency Creative Director in the country. Successful smooth talking mutherfucker; mini sex God, ladies man and best friend to Jade and I for almost 10 years. This might sound like a joke but I know when Charles is serious and this is one of those times. God help us.
*3 Days Later
Jade: Kemi, have you even read this …this thing he calls a list?
Jade: How did some girls get on this list. I mean.. Eno? Isn’t that the one who couldn’t climax?
Kemi: Well, quit talking like you don’t know your friend is Captain Save-a-ho
Jade: This is marriage we are talking about Kemi… forever and ever…
Kemi: shush.. quit talking like marriage is some life imprisonment sentence.. there is something called ‘divorce’ remember? And as sad as it might be, if a time comes when he needs to use that exit card then he will and we will SUPPORT him as his friends.
Jade: his parents split up when he was ten.. he’s wanted to get married since then just to prove to them that it’s not so hard to keep a family together…
Kemi: well.. that was till he discovered his super powers ..
(I and Jade were now standing at the waiting area of Charles’ office watching him far off walking towards us with a light-skinned slim-figured lady walking alongside him)
Jade: Powers? Oh.. that?
Kemi: yup.. that.. colour-struck tadpole that he is.. look at how the girl is soaking him all up.. For all you know he could be giving her advice about her relationship
Jade: Or they could just be talking about work
Kemi: Work? Really? Come on, I’ve come around here too often to know that the actual amount of time these ad agency guys work is so little?
Jade: Anyways, he’s almost here… so who do we start with?
Kemi: Eno won’t be a bad start..
Jade: Are you trying to ruin his future? I jus—-
Kemi: Nope. And that’s why I think we should knock off all the weak contenders first.. come on, you and I know he’s not going to propose to Eno
Jade: Err.. well… I was even thinking of imposing a no sex clause while all of this is going on..
Charles: No what? You do know sex is a veeeeeery important part of any marriage.
Kemi: Oh please, don’t preach to us like you do your victims. This is our show and we’ll run it how we want.
Charles: but but you guys—-
Jade: And don’t think we won’t know too.. I can smell your lies a mile away
Kemi: But we’ll cut you some slack and see just how well you behave for starters. You asked us to take this seriously so you also have to. We’ve come up with a plan..
Jade: We have? I mean.. yes, we have.
Charles: Good. It’s about time too. Lets hear it.
Kemi: Well, every week, we’ll pick two girls from the list. You’ll have to find a way to split your time between both girls during the week and at the end of the week you’ll send us a report.
Charles: Huh? A report?
Jade: You heard her right.. A report.
Kemi: A DETAILED report. I’m not talking bout your sexscapades. I’m talking pros and cons. If we’re going to do this, then we’ll have to go all the way down to details
Charles: Wow.. now I regret adding that ‘taking it seriously’ bit.
Jade: One more thing, during this erm.. period, please try to stay away from other women so you can focus. 19 women is more than enough drama already.
Charles: Ok with the rules already.. who do I begin with?
Kemi: Well, this week, you have … Eno and….
Jade: Erm… Shayo..
Kemi: My God.. don’t tell me you cant even remember the names of the people on your own list.
Charles: Of Course I can.. just erm… memories…
Jade: Well, keep them in the past and focus on now. So, are you going to start out with dates or what?
Charles: That’s my call isn’t it? Thank you ladies for your time; I’ll have your “report” in by Sunday.
As Charles ushered us out of the waiting room, I couldn’t help but imagine how all of this would end. I love him like a brother and wanted him happy but I secretly prayed he was truly ready for all of this.
Nope, it’s not ratings for a movie, and no, its not another one of my theories, well, maybe not. Today, I’d like to conduct another research/get y’all involved here
or I really am too lazy to think.
Recently I was part of that age long argument about how much guys/gurls manipulate the truth
lie when asked how many people they’ve been with. Well, thats not exactly the point of this post because as far as I’m concerned, it boils down to these two formulas:
ANOP = DNOP/3
ANOP = DNOP*3
*ANOP = Actual Number of Partners
*DNOP = Disclosed Number of Partners
I know some will argue that nowadays, the (3) in the formulas is actually (3^2) but like I said, thats not exactly why we’re here. The argument with my friends got me wondering how much more complex/simple life would be if we all had to go around with some sort of relationship ‘deed map’ or a kind of resume that would show what you’ve been up to in regards to dealings with the opposite sex. Initially, I thought up, a resume format and came up with something like this:
Adedayo Okoro Mohammed
15 Mawamiwale Street, Ebinpejo Lane, Lagos, Nigeria.
0802 123 4567
19/10/95 First Kiss
Beneath the Dinning Table
Ozoluwa Block 2, Room 4. University of Lagos
02/02/02 – 01/01/03 Okaro Blessing
03/01/03 – 05/02/03 Dolapo Salami
06/02/03 – 10/08/03 Amina Usman
12/12/03 – 01/01/06 Vivian Manuel
07/11/07 – 01/05/09 Ekaette Udobong
Miss Taiwo Sodeinde
Parking Space 5, Adeyemo Alakija, VI, Lagos.
9pm – 5am, Mondays – Saturdays
Miss Kasandra Ojo
Beside Waterparks, Toyin Street, Ikeja, Lagos.
11pm – 5am, Mondays – Sundays
Err…. I took a step back and read through that resume and realized it just wouldn’t work. So my mind drifted to the early days of instant messaging when people used the acronym ASL (Age/Sex/Location) to get basic details of people they had met online.
So I came up with the acronym SNL (Sex/Number of Partners/Love). It’s pretty self explanatory, sex = gender, number of partners, well, that will probably be DNOP (check formula above for conversion), and then Love = have you ever been in love? This may help your prospect measure your level of experience and involvement with previous partners.
Now imagine a world where we all go around with our SNL codes hovering above our heads (I know, I watch too many movies). Do y’all think it would make life better or further complicate things? I’d like us to consider this question from the P setting scenario as well as the long haul one. So, use the comment box, state your SNL (e.g M/9/Yes or F/0/No) and speak your mind. Cheers.
My friends call me SC.
I’d honestly love to say that I have the solution to world hunger and poverty.
That’s far-fetched but my friends seem to think I have special powers and I’m beginning to think they might just be right.
It started in College with Lanre
We dated for a year after he took my virginity
We parted ways; at least I thought we did.
But he lingered and lingered
Stalking my toasters
He got arrested once
Because I wouldn’t give him my coochie
This Super Coochie.
10 years, a wife and a kid later,
Lanre hits me up on Facebook,
I still miss your pussy…
Steve worshipped SC,
That’s how long he liked to erm.. please her..
But even a coochie with super powers gets sore
In a way, I actually miss that
2 years after we broke up,
He began calling and texting
For one more chance at this kitty
He called me, the morning of his wedding
I’m going down the aisle in a few hours he said
One more time, for old times’ sake?
For one more fuck
One more tongue-bath
Did I mention that he came to blows with my next boyfriend?
I may know why she’s so powerful though
I’ve never used lube one day in my life.
Men find her unending flow of elixir very mesmerising
Kevin was married when we met
I’d sworn to never to do one of those
I don’t know how to explain it
It just happened
Once, twice, five times
At first, it wasn’t so bad,
Maybe he won’t get addicted I thought
Until he let it slip
That he had lost taste for his wife
She was young, slim and I’ll admit – quite a looker
There’s no reason for that, I argued
She doesn’t taste like you
She doesn’t get wet like you
He said, as he buried his face and paid homage to SC
The chosen one
Sometimes I wish they didn’t fall so hard – sometimes.
Signed – SC
Wrecking havoc since 2002…
Today’s post was just one I couldn’t express well enough by myself so I sought the help of my pseudo guest blogger Deji who also wrote this piece here. Let me state clearly that I DO NOT believe in the SC theory. I’m yet to find a guy who claims the main reason he got married to his wife is cause ‘the sex is excellent’ yet most women seem to believe good bedding skills can nail a guy. Don’t get me wrong, being the ‘Usaine’ Bolt of the rump olympics will probably get you far, might get you a car, a house but NOT a basketballer. Yes. In my opinion, there’s just more to it. Think I’m right or wrong, use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.