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The Shrink & I

The phone rings. I tell him to ignore it. I pull him back into bed, into the softness of my hands and the warmth of my embrace. His lips, softer than marsh-mellows, his body, firm and securing. I lust after him even while he’s with me. His heart, his mind, his everything… I’m in love with. He lays it all on me. Legs wrapped round his waist. I want more. I always want more. Our blissful image fades away as the stares and the jeers from the faces around us become more intense.

I’ve known Gbenga for 3 years and we’ve been together for a little over 2 of those wonderful years. He is married to a bitch. She literally drives him crazy. Despite his huge manly frame, it isn’t hard to know who the man of his house is. I’ll always remain thankful to her though. I’ll always be thankful she annoyed him so much he wandered into that bar. The same bar I was that night. He started with one shot and then more followed.  I had noticed him the moment he walked in and as I sat in the corner watching him, I knew he needed help. I knew he needed my help.

I became Gbenga’s shrink that night and days after, he opened his broken self to me. Maybe it’s because we have a lot in common, or maybe I’m just a damn good doctor. For whatever reason, he felt comfortable confiding in me and for the first time since he got married, Gbenga told someone he was scared of his wife. Her presence frightened him and he said he was sure the reason she hadn’t gotten pregnant for him was because his seeds could never germinate in her evil garden.

Our sessions continued for a long time before I hinted him about my feelings and even then, I knew I had to be careful. Not only does it go against professional ethics, I also didn’t want to scare him off. He was always so happy to get on my consulting couch. On it, he becomes the man he truly is; he laughs at my jokes and even cracks some too. Memories of his wife completely fade away whenever he rests on Lucy (yes, I named my couch).

The first cut they say is the deepest – not with Gbenga. It felt almost as if he expected it, almost as it he wanted it, almost as if he knew. Lucy became our spot for many weeks after that and I just knew he had to be mine. But the only way it will work is if he leaves his wife. I didn’t suggest it,  it was him. He knew we would have to adopt kids because I can’t have any. He knew he would have to face his wife and eventually face the world someday. Well, today is that day. Here I stand in his parents living room holding his hand firmly, watching for reactions as the words left his mouth: “Papa, this is the man I love and want to marry.”

*****

On the 24th of July 2011, same-sex marriage became legal in the U.S. state of New York sparking off conversations in many quarters. I co-wrote this piece with a member of the community here, @FoluShaw because we feel the time is right to bring this discussion to the fore.

There’s no denying the fact that we have homosexual men and women living in our society, some we know, others we don’t. Some of us openly judge them while others embrace them. As this is a very touchy subject, I’d like to plead for us to be as objective as possible with our comments. I’d like to hear your views on the subject starting with your personal opinion on homosexuality and our society. Use the comment box to speak your mind.

PS: We still have a few invites to give away to our event, The Naked Convos #1 holding this Sunday. To win invites today, you’ll have to follow the @TheNakedConvos twitter handle and look out for the challenge later in the day. Good luck.

The Backyard.

Hey everyone. So, we’ll give the really wet posts a rest today and discuss something a little bit serious. Yes, I’m sure the title served as a good hint. I enlisted @Similicious87 to help with this one.  Enjoy.

*****

It was one of those nights when the weather, the mood and the booze were in sync. Kolade & I have been dating for 3 months and I have been withholding the nookie for that long. I was damn near losing my mind and so was he. This night felt so promising, I was freaking ‘thirsty’ and as horny as R.Kelly at a high school graduation. Kolade looked as calm as he always is, doing tequila shots while slowly undressing me with his eyes. ‘Oh it’s on like popcorn’ I thought to myself. Tonight is definitely the night. We got to his place and began our usual make out ritual. When he noticed I wanted more, he excused himself to go use the loo. That was my cue. I changed into my birthday suit and tucked myself beneath his duvet.

Kolade
I like Gabby… like I really really dig her. She is so cute and those lips are just something else. I like how they swell after we get all hot and bothered and that ass. Whoosh. I have been thinking about that all night… Heck, even ever since we met. Tonight is definitely the night. I noticed how she drank more than usual, touching and grinding up against me. I know she wants it and oh she’s gon’ get it! All of it! Imma tear that ass up!

Gabby
Kolade walked in the room and I gasped; ‘hottie with a body!’ Dang! He is packing! That sheath will make a porn star blush. Thinking about getting all that inside me made me wet instantly! (It’s been 3 months guys; allow the ‘corniness’). He came under the covers and looked pleasantly surprised to find me in my birthday suit.

We start kissing, touching, the heavy breathing, soft moaning. One hand on my breasts another probing between my legs. At that point, I was delirious and I was whispering gibberish in his ear while nibbling it. Just then he bent me over and I was thinking ‘how did he guess that I like that?’

He whispered something about ass and I figured he was talking about how good my behind looks. Then a shock wave went straight to my head. Without warning Kolade rushed in through my back door. He didn’t knock, he didn’t press the doorbell; he just plunged!

Minutes that felt like hours passed and I was sure I was bleeding even as I tried pushing this intruder away but he kept charging like a crazed bull making sure the mattress muffled whatever attempt I made to yell. As much as I tried to numb myself, every time he went back in, it felt like a knife stab followed by a sick, weird and twisted feeling of unexplainable pleasure. Soon, I felt the familiar jerk and groan. He got up and looked at me with a smile on his face. ‘I bet you liked that.’

Daniel is the sixth guy I’ve been with since Kolade. First time I asked him to do me from behind, he refused but I’m a woman, I always have my way. Nowadays he says he can’t come until we play in the backyard. Maybe I should thank Kolade afterall.

******

Ok, before you lash out at Gabby. This isn’t exactly a true story but I heard one very similar and that’s what inspired the post. If you’re half as inquisitive as I am, I’m sure you would have read all kinds of stuff on the subject. Lets step away from the hypocrisy today, like I always say, you can always comment anonymously. So for those who know, through experience or otherwise, kindly share and for the others, please take the poll below. Cheers.

PS: I’ll be putting up the announcement I promised a bit later, please make sure you check back.

Room 140

Hey everyone. Before I get into todays post, I’ve been asked to do a proper run down of voting details at the Nigerian Blog awards so we wont miss out on your votes so here goes. We’ve been nominated in the following categories:

  • Best Blog by a Nigeria-based Blogger
  • Best Daily Read
  • Best New Blog
  • Most Controversial Blog
  • Nigerian Blog of the Year

Here is the link to where you vote: http://nigerianblogawards.com/vote.php. Enter your name and email address and then look out for Thetoolsman’s Blog under the categories.

Ok, so that’s that. Now to today’s business. I’m excited about this post because it’s one of those that really capture the essence of the wet Fridays category. Contrary to what y’all might think (and I’m partly responsible for this), this category was created to drive conversations/discussions on sex and sex related topics. The tease and everything else come along with this but I think a lot more people will benefit from the discussions. This post was written by @LagosHunter. Enjoy.

************

After several DMs and phone calls, we meet.

Work has brought me to your city and you are here visiting in my hotel room.

That hunger that slowly built as we flirted subliminally on our timelines and openly in our DMs needs to be fulfilled today. Soft music is seeping through the speakers of my laptop and serenading us.

Knowing that we know what is about to happen…..what needs to happen makes us feel awkward.

To bring the ice, I whisper “this feels like the hashtag #ThatAwkwardMoment”

You laugh that hearty laugh of yours that makes you distinct in a crowd.

I move closer and hold you by the elbows, you look away shyly.

I can smell you – your perfume, but more importantly, your essence.

My phallus stirs as you reach out and pull me closer. We make full body contact.

Our lips meet and our tongues begin to do some olympic gymnastics

As our kiss becomes sensual, my left hand traces the outline of your body while my right hand grabs your ass I realized from your smoothness that you have no panties on.

I unzip your dress and it drops to your waist exposing your breasts wrapped in a silk bra.

I pause to take off my shirt and catch sight of your left areola peaking out of your bra and at that instant, I know I am defeated.

An overwhelming craving comes upon me and I unclasp your bra with the 3 finger technique I have come to perfect from undressing beautiful women like you. You move slightly to allow your dress and bra drop to the floor.

Here we are standing, 106 DMs and several hours of phone calls later, chest to breasts with nothing but desire on our minds.

I guide you onto the bed and I run my lips over your arm, your breasts and your navel while caressing the small of your back with my right hand.

Then slowly, my head approaches your thighs. I pause to arch your back and slide a pillow underneath. I ease myself between your knees, my tongue is eager to taste your cream. I softly caress your tip lingering for a short while and then I find my way to your depth….from which the fountain of your womanhood flows.

My tiger stirs and I pause to take off my trousers but you’re faster.

You slide my jeans off my body to make me completely naked but unashamed.

And then you begin to stroke me with the dexterity of someone who knows how to tame tigers like me.

We both struggle for dominance but quickly realise 69 is a fair number.

As you deep throat me, my tongue caters to you like a gardener tending his master garden.

And then we pause, knowing its time. We become clumsy but only for a brief second as we both struggle for dominance again. This time, you win.

My sheathed tiger enters your cage as you descend on me at your own pace and angle.

I thrust and you thrust and somehow, the speed and depth of our thrusts never gets out of sync.

We both moan as the pleasure of our dance consumes us.

Our orgasm is united as I let out a loud howl like a beast fighting its own death while you dig your fingers nails into my bare back while gasping but making no sounds.

We fall away from each other glistened with sweat feeling like strangers once again…..

Then I kiss you, letting my lips linger on yours as I look into your eyes and at that instant we both know that in this room, we have shared something tender and passionate, something far beyond constraint of 140 characters.

********

A lot has been written and said about sexual encounters developed as a result of the popular social media engine called twitter. It has even made a formerly thrown around casually more popular (Setting P). Alot has been said about the how’s and why’s.. but have we heard enough about the act itself and what follows? Use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.

First.

Hey everyone. So, I asked the gods to pause the rains here in Lagos today so I could put up this not-so-wet-Friday post. Yeah, sorry to break your hearts. Today’s post was inspired by the sprinters in our comment community who always aim for the first spot. I needed a partner to get this done so I drafted in the hoohoo queen (shoot me) herself, @novacrossqueen. Enjoy.
I lost my virginity at 15, and I used to feel like an early ashawo until I met someone who lost theirs at the age of 8, and I was like well then, look what we have here….

Damn..virginity.. let me see.. can I remember.. ooh yeah, I do.. I think I was 13 back then and all my friends just couldn’t believe I said I was going to do and I just did it. Just like that.

Anyways, I had been dating this boy for a year and the day we decided to pop OUR cherries, he wanted to get flowers and candles and basically paint the whole room CHEESE! I refused. Reality 1 – 0 Disney Channel’s b/s.

Well.. there was this chic who was pretty much all over me back then. I mean, we were mates and she was cool so I thought, what the heck, lets do it. I let her pick the day but it was my place and she came with all them candles and flower and stuff but I was like hells nah.. that wasn’t how I saw Lex Steel do it.

As he put the condom on and I was thinking, omydays I’m still gonna get pregnant anyways, it’s gonna rip, I’m gonna get AIDS, oh Lord, my mother would find out and it just won’t fly…. then I asked him to wear a second condom… 😐

So we settled in and as I put on the condom, I was thinking, hope this stuff fits cause it felt like I got the super small size or something. As if that wasn’t enough drama, she then asked me to put on a second condom… like sheesh the thing we do…

He entered me slowly and cautiously, at first I didn’t know what I was supposed to feel, that was until I realized I really wasn’t feeling anything….this shit didn’t hurt….wait is this sex? Am I still a virgin? Come, what is going on here….my thoughts were whizzing everywhere…

I got down to business – finally and I just went in hard from the first second but I hadn’t even put my foot on the pedal and she was already racing away. I really wasn’t feeling anything… So much for sex.. But I guess it was the chic?  I just wanted to get done with the whole virgin thing.

*breathe* “Are you ok, he asked”? I said I was….then he did one pump action…and then another, and I just lay there and took it…then it dawned on me….I could never make it in the porn industry, I wasn’t the sexy beast I thought I was….shit I couldn’t even feel my legs talk less of trying to move around and then everything else just rolled up into one quick moment and then we were done…I had taken his virginity and he had taken mine.

I remember asking her to breathe. Damn, she really looked like she was going to pass out. I eased in and began to ‘thrust’ and at that point, I just knew I could totally make it into the porn industry cause it felt like I had become a sexy beast but before I could try out some other moves, she interrupted and said “I think I’m …coming”. So lame.. I just had to play along and pretend I was done. And just like that I took her virginity and lost mine too.

And the world was still spinning on its axis as it had before, I still looked the same in the mirror…. I dunno if it was the extra plastic he had on or the fact that he was a virgin but I couldn’t help but think….So kini big deal?

So things pretty much changed after that. No more virgin stigma, I looked in the mirror and I was a different person. The whole double condom thing and the inexperienced chic didn’t make it all that but I made sure I took it out on the next.

************

There you go. Two people giving accounts of their first time. I know y’all are usually tongue-tied on Fridays giving mostly ‘single word’ comments but I hope we can really read some funny and maybe not so funny first time stories today. You know the drill, use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.

SNL

Nope, it’s not ratings for a movie, and no, its not another one of my theories, well, maybe not. Today, I’d like to conduct another research/get y’all involved here or I really am too lazy to think.

Recently I was part of that age long argument about how much guys/gurls manipulate the truth lie when asked how many people they’ve been with. Well, thats not exactly the point of this post because as far as I’m concerned, it boils down to these two formulas:

Guys:
ANOP  = DNOP/3

Gurls:
ANOP = DNOP*3

*ANOP = Actual Number of Partners
*DNOP = Disclosed Number of Partners

I know some will argue that nowadays, the (3) in the formulas is actually (3^2) but like I said, thats not exactly why we’re here. The argument with my friends got me wondering how much more complex/simple life would be if we all had to go around with some sort of relationship ‘deed map’ or a kind of resume that would show what you’ve been up to in regards to dealings with the opposite sex. Initially, I thought up, a resume format and came up with something like this:

Adedayo Okoro Mohammed
15 Mawamiwale Street, Ebinpejo Lane, Lagos, Nigeria.
adeokomo@yahoo.com
0802 123 4567

Education:
19/10/95                First Kiss
Beneath the Dinning Table

01/02/98                Virginity 
Ozoluwa Block 2, Room 4. University of Lagos

Experience:
02/02/02 – 01/01/03          Okaro Blessing
Boyfriend

03/01/03 – 05/02/03          Dolapo Salami
Assistant Boyfriend

06/02/03 – 10/08/03          Amina Usman
Sarewa

12/12/03 – 01/01/06          Vivian Manuel
Sarewa

07/11/07 – 01/05/09          Ekaette Udobong
Boyfriend

Skills:
Threesome
Sensual Massaging
Cunnilingus

References:
Miss Taiwo Sodeinde
Parking Space 5, Adeyemo Alakija, VI, Lagos.
9pm – 5am, Mondays – Saturdays

Miss Kasandra Ojo
Beside Waterparks, Toyin Street, Ikeja, Lagos.
11pm – 5am, Mondays – Sundays

********************************************

Err…. I took a step back and read through that resume and realized it just wouldn’t work. So my mind drifted to the early days of instant messaging when people used the acronym ASL (Age/Sex/Location) to get basic details of people they had met online.

So I came up with the acronym SNL (Sex/Number of Partners/Love). It’s pretty self explanatory, sex = gender, number of partners, well, that will probably be DNOP (check formula above for conversion), and then Love = have you ever been in love? This may help your prospect measure your level of experience and involvement with previous partners.

Now imagine a world where we all go around with our SNL codes hovering above our heads (I know, I watch too many movies). Do y’all think it would make life better or further complicate things? I’d like us to consider this question from the P setting scenario as well as the long haul one. So, use the comment box, state your SNL (e.g M/9/Yes or F/0/No) and speak your mind. Cheers.

Sadomasochism Soliloquy

Nine months into a relationship things can easily start to fall into a routine in the bedding department – but that’s if you allow it.

She said she wanted to try something different so I fucked her with my words. The venue was the same – my bed. The players were the same – just the two of us. As she laid beside me chatting away waiting for that moment I would reach over and start our usual play, I looked lustfully in her big brown eyes I asked if she could do me a quick favour.

She asked what it was sitting up. I turned to my bedside table and produced a notepad. I flipped open to a page and as I held it out to her, I asked if she could help me read for typos. Disappointed, thinking it was maybe work related, she sighed as she took it. She began reading and I eased out of bed. I stood at the edge of the bed watching her eyes dart left and right till she paused and looked up.

Yes, keep going..

Engrossed in what she was about to read, she didn’t notice as I took out the cold bowl of liquor from the fridge. I flipped off the duvet that had been shielded us from my raging air condition revealing her gorgeous legs – she only had a huge t-shirt on – my t-shirt. I got on the bed and created some room for myself in-between her legs.

Go on.. But slowly this time.. I want to hear you….

She took a deep breath and began reading as I had instructed.

“Eric moved closer to Jordan (our names); his lips beside her ears and he began to whisper:”

Sweet

 

Soft

 

Kisses

 

As she pronounced each word, I dipped my finger in the liquor bowl and traced out the words on her legs starting from the bottom working my way up.

 

Tongue

 

Licking

 

Sucking

 

Nipples

 

Biting

 

No, say that again… I said, smiling suggestively at her…

She looked up to me again and as the words escaped her mouth b-i-t-i-n-g .. following the movement of my fingers against her thighs I felt her body tingle all over…

I smiled and asked her to continue..

 

Long

 

Hard

 

Erect

 

Ready

 

Moist

 

Tight

 

Enter

 

Deep

 

Thrust

 

Stroke

 

Deeper

 

As I completed the “r” on the word Deeper, my index finger landed centimeters from her yoni. I felt the cold air from the AC retracing the words I had written as they dried out and one look at her was all I needed for her to pounce on me. She said she wanted to try something different so I fucked her with my words – her words.

FIN

This is my version of a similarly titled post I once read. I know a lot of people say we Nigerians are sexually unimaginative but I absolutely disagree. I understand some of y’all might want to keep your signature bedroom moves close to your chest but this post is all about sharing. Do you think Nigerians are sexually unimaginative? If not, share some examples.. You can always comment as “Anonymous” hell no. Have a great weekend and please go out to vote tomorrow.

 

Naked with socks on

I looked down at my feet for a brief moment and I followed the stripped lines of my socks as I raised my head up.

Blue

Grey

Blue

Grey

Blue

And there I was again, staring at my own erect member as he nods slowly.. motioning me..pointing me to where my attention should be. I looked straight on and as she let out another soft whimper as I followed the soft, gentle stroking motion of her fingers as they traced the remarkable outlines of her southern lips. Each stroke coating each finger tip like biscuit sticks being dipped in honey syrup…

Wait. How did I get here? It all started with one statement:

“I can please you with both hands tied behind my back”.

There. That was my declaration a few days ago and I never imagined 3 days later I’d be sitting in the middle of my own room, naked with only my socks on.

But I should have known, Tara was a natural. A vixen if I do say so myself. But being the man that I am, I guess I still underestimated her. We had come back from work together. Long week and I was so looking forward to her spending the night. If only I knew she had other plans. We started making out and it wasn’t hard for her to get me seated with half of my clothes off but the way she tied me up with my own tie, that was impressive. Of course I could have stopped her, but after kicking it with Tara for over a month, I guess I had come to trust her a little.

As I watched her strut towards me, one long silky, well waxed leg ahead of the other, I pictured all the things I could do to her if she untied me. hmmm… that was it..

She came then and sat on my laps, sensually grinding again me. I closed my eyes and moved closer to her ears, the strong tingly smell of her perfume drawing me closer.. I gently kissed on her neck…

hmmm.. you like that don’t you..

By the time I’m done with you… you’ll be running low on juices….

I’ll go over every curve

Every gap

Every hole

Sucking as HARD as possible..

 

*Drip

 

I felt a drop of her liquid goodness on my lap as she let out a soft moan..

It was working…

And then, I’m going to take you..

On the floor

The bed

And back on this chair..

At that moment I felt my tie drop to the floor – freedom – my turn.

 

Have you ever found yourself in a tied up situation with some one you’re intimate with? We’d like to hear from you. If you haven’t, is it a trust issue or you’re not just adventurous enough. Use the comment box, speak your mind. Cheers.

Future Sex

SHE

He’s such a jerk….Dora fumed as she stepped into her apartment. We were supposed to have a romantic evening and he ruins it by being so bloody insensitive. She didn’t mean to keep Johnny from him. He just always got so paranoid about her exes. The sad part was that she had really wanted to go back to his place and work out the tension of the hectic workweek with some mind-blowing sex. She stepped into her walk in closet and was mildly comforted by the sight of her shoe collection.

Something glistened in the corner…the sensors for her ipad 5000x. So that’s where I left them. Who needs men she thought as she scooped them off the floor and slid into bed. Her ipad lay there from working in bed earlier that day. She connected the sensors to her temples, scanned her fingerprints and skipped thru the welcome screen. No time for that, Mama wants to play. She went straight to the Sex4D icon and launched the app.

What’s your fantasy, Lady D? Said d sexy voice of Idris Elba, British accent and all. It sent shivers down her spine. She hurriedly typed in Bad kitty. A fantasy she had spent months perfecting on lonely nights, fights with James and general naughtiness. The hologram flickered on in front of her. Please begin customization, D…. Idris Elba said again. Oh yes please she thought. She quickly selected the body of Fally Ipupa, moaning already at the thought of that waist in motion, the face of Michael Ealy, the sexy southern accent of T.I and named him Chris. Oops almost forgot… and added an extra 4 inches to d tent in his briefs.

Initiate she purred. Immediately, the preset play list of the Bad kitty preset started to belt out T-pain’s ‘Make love to a rap song’ and the bedroom faded to a dark room lit only the flames from a fireplace in the corner. She was lying on a thick soft rug and Chris was massaging her feet. How was your day D? Horrible she moaned. Well, lemme make it all better love. He proceeded to kiss his ways up her legs, planting little kisses every few inches., getting closer and closer to her aching centre. When he got to the juncture of her thighs, he kissed her thru her panties and ran his hands up her stomach to her breasts. Playing with her through her lacy bra and biting her throbbing clit gently with his teeth. Chris, take it off, she moaned. And he proceeded to do just that. He held her legs open with his hands and pulled her panties off slowly with his teeth. Touch yourself he commanded. Touch those beautiful tits for me. Yes daddy she moaned. He was heading back to her centre now and she was getting wetter waiting for him to make contact.

Ring! Ring!

WTH?

She ripped off her sensors, and the scene faded. That had better be James coming to apologize she fumed as she walked towards the door.

 

HE

He walked into my apartment, half angry, half irritated – who does she think she is that she can just spring surprises like that. This is what this crazy world has come to. Allow these birds and they’ll destroy all of mankind. I need to get my mind off her. I need to prove I don’t need her – for sex or any other thing. It was already 8pm, what was supposed to have led to a fulfilling night in bed has left me home alone.

I went into my room, kicked off my shoes. Took off my shirt and I saw my ipad 5000x lying on my bed by my pillow where I’d left it the night before. Yes, just what I needed. I took off my denims leaving only my boxers and my inner vest on. I fiddled through my bedside drawer and got out my 5D glasses. I grabbed my ipad and jumped in bed.

I scanned in my finger print..

(Welcome your royal endowedness) said Keri, the programmed voice for my ipad. I used to love it whenever she said that but not tonight. I only had one thing on my mind. I hit the search box and typed:

Sex4D

Then tapped once more to launch the application and in no time I was at the home Menu:

> Welcome, James.

> Please select number of partners

I entered one and moved to the next item but I thought again and went back up:

> 3

Enter

> Will you like to customize partners?

> Yes

I changed two of the girls to black. The bloody thing still sets skinny white girls as default, can you blame them. White girls can be so freaky. I left one in the mix. I skipped the other options after blessing the black girls I chose with enough T and A (tits and ass). The last box was to enter a name for the girls. I thought for a second then….

> Partner 1: Adebisi

> Partner 2: Sandra

> Partner3: Random

Her best friends; Yes; Let the party begin. I plugged in my 5D glasses and leaned back in bed. I felt Sandra’s touch first. This thing can be terribly realistic. Silver lacy Victoria’s secret lingerie… ooohhh… Then I noticed Adebisi and Kim (as she introduced herself) they were both already naked. I shifted with anticipation even as I felt Sandra climbing on to the bed.

 

……… it lasted all of 3 minutes.

 

I picked up my phone and dialed Aisha… she was home… I flung my ipad and glasses aside and threw on denims and a tee….. Screw virtual, I need me some real pum pum…

I’m sure at some point we’ve all imagined what a virtual roll in the hay would feel like (ok, maybe not all of us). Shout out to the wonderful Adesuwa (checkout her blog here)for writing this with me. This is our excuse to measure just how freaky you lot out there are.. So it’s your turn, use the comment box, let us know what your idea of virtual sex would be. Cheers.

PS: This video inspired this post.

 

Lay or stay?

Ok, so this really isn’t a post. It’s more of a survey but I didn’t just want to put up a poll. Now, a friend of mine sent me a link to this blog post on how men should totally call chics after shagging (especially if it’s the first time and if it wasn’t defined as a one night stand from the onset). Well, this got me thinking about the endless debate on how a lot of us seem to know exactly what is we want from someone seconds, minutes, hours or for some, days after that first encounter.

Now, don’t jump the gun, Im not going to tell you to do us a list (maybe I will). What I’m just trying to see is if we can all come up with an average amount of time for guys and also for the ladies for how long it’ll take you to know if he/she is a lay or a stay.

For frequent readers here, y’all will know I can be a very very picky person (even sexually). Well, thats me. A lot of guys I know care very little about how intelligent the carrier of the yoni they stick their shlung in as long as they don’t intend for her to have their kids. In fact, screw intelligence, some don’t even care if they look like shit and I guess for people like this, coming up with an average amount of time it’ll take to classify chics should be minimal – seconds perhaps???

As for the ladies, things could get a bit tricky since they probably take a lot more “non-physical” characteristics into consideration. (I could be wrong here). My guess is that in making her decision, she’ll like to know what you do, the kinda genes that run through your family (hell no) and yada yada yada.

Before, I get to the erm… “methodology” I’ll just share my opinion. Some will say, love grows on you and you need a lot of encounters before you can make that decision and I agree with all of that BUT, I’ll still stay except you’re hooking up/getting married for a reason you more or less have no control over (you knocked her up, his father is Dangote, he is Zukerberg e.t.c. e.t.c), the truth is, after a few encounters – and I say encounters because it doesn’t just stop at looks – you can conveniently tell which side of the coin anyone falls.

That being said, lets get into this. So, I’ll make it easy, before your comment, kindly state your gender and then how long you think it’d take to categorize a person as lay or stay. e.g:

*******

Male

15 seconds

Comment:

*******

 

Ok, there you go, speak your piece. Cheers.

Him, my kitchen and I

Long working days and packed weekends have more or less become my life. I hardly notice the amount of stress I have built up in me. Don’t get me wrong, I can feel it, but just as easily as I can, I easily shove it aside and continue with my zombie routines – life of a banker.

Having Daniel in my life did make things easier. He was everything a woman could want. Well, everything except he was also a banker. And it is because of this our weekends have come to be something I couldn’t do without. Yes. Everything was good – the sex too and even though sometimes we were both too tired, just having him there – a comrade, a willing shoulder to lie on, made life easier. That was what I looked forward to that weekend as I opened up the doors to my apartment.

I walked straight towards the kitchen briefly catching the wall clock in my living room area. 9:24pm… I’m early. I gulped straight from the berry blast pack and just as I shut the door to the fridge, I heard it……..

Suddenly, I feel the need – to pull you close to me

He stood there, by the door. A boyish smile planted on his face and I couldn’t help but smile. Daniel can be so silly sometimes.

But I don’t know, if it’s what you want, baby

The voice of R.Kelly crooned from God knows where and Daniel walked towards me looking more serious

Girl show me some kind of sign

that tells me that you’re, miiiine, all mine, baby

Standing inches away from me now, I wondered what was going on. At that moment it was as if my body rebelled against me and I instantly began to feel all the stress that I had built up in my body – I gently dropped the Berry blast pack on the kitchen counter I was now leaning against.

It’s gettin awfully warm, off in this room

With one swift move, Daniel took off the white t-shirt to reveal his almost perfectly built body. With only dim rays of light straying into the kitchen from the window, he could have passed for Tyson Beckford at that moment.

I’m gettin head up off yo’ sweet perfume

I felt his freshly shaved skin as he gently whiffed the smell of my perfume on the right side of my neck..

and I’m ready, to explore, every part of you

He switched over to the the left side of my neck and then I felt his hands as he traced the shape of my body all the way to the end of my skirt briefly touching the intercession of my thighs with my knee..

Girl I’ll take my clothes off first, then now you

Daniel moved his hands towards my neck and one after the other, I felt my buttons give way…. there goes Victoria’s Secret….

Ooooooooooo-oo-ooo-oo-ooo-oo-ooo-oo-ooo baby

Baby.. tonight we’ll be, naked

He turned me around and leaned me against the kitchen sink as he took off my skirt… He paused as his hand slid down my red lingerie …

Oooooooh, oooooooh, oooooooh, ooooooooh

hmmm… “Red….” He whispered.

I’ll take a stroll through your garden of love

and show you so so much

His (now warm) hands traced my body with his fingers telling a story as they brushed past the freshly cut lawn…

Just take my hand, and believe, in our fu-ture

Gettin you open like matchin doors

He stretched out my left hand – my palm against his as if to distract me as he pulled apart my legs with his other hand…

Sheets and covers on, the floor

He shoved aside some stray dishes I had by my sink and seconds later I felt the cold surface of the aluminum against my butt cheeks…

And if the bell should ring, we won’t answer

I squirmed as I felt his lips against my neck narrating his soliloquy – He chuckled.

Girl I’ll take my clothes off first, and now you

Wanna tell, what I want from you

I gasped, “Take me…please…”

He looked me in my eyes, “Please, who?”

I smiled….

Shaking his head, he repeated the question: “Please, who?”

“Daniel,” I whispered. “Daniel…”

Baby tonight I wanna see you naked……..

 

FIN.

Ok, so you’ll notice I’ve introduced a new category – Wet Fridays and lo and behold, the heavens have blessed us with rain here in Lagos today. I’m a big fan of music (I’m sure y’all know now), I’m also a fan of breaking rules (well, going against the norm). When was the last time you tried doing this in your relationship? Share your experience or let us know why you’d never get frisky on your kitchen counter. Cheers.

 

 

 

 

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