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The Penis Monologues Remix (Scene 3 & 4)

The one who cheated – (By @thetoolsman)

I cheated.

There.

I said it.

I’m not even going to lie.

And it was well worth every second.

Every time I looked down at her and saw her thick lips wrapped around my penis; I smiled.

That smile I hadn’t smiled in years.

Every time I ran my fingers through her freshly waxed legs; I smiled.

That knowing smile telling me I was fucking a woman

And when I flipped her around, hands and knees on the bed, face in the pillow,

I didn’t hear that familiar murmur, that grumbling voice telling me to stop.

So I thrusted as deep and hard as I could

I kept going till she said my name

Tunde…

Oh… Tunde…

I like that.

She liked it.

Aisha, your best friend of over ten years liked everything I did to her.

My penis. Liked everything she did to him.

But did I? Really? Did I want this?

Why did you have to change?

Blowjobs went with our first year anniversary.

“Let’s save something for marriage”, you said.

Waxing your legs (or any other body part for that matter), stopped after I proposed.

And then you took away the doggy.

You just wanted to lie on your back all the time no matter how much I complained.

Sex with my wife or sex with a MAN?

Aisha made me feel heterosexual again.

Yes I cheated.

There. I said it again.

My Condoms (By @CapoeiraPanda)

My condoms are too cheap.

*sigh*

That’s what she told me this morning.

She said she didn’t want my penis going into her wrapped up in these “four for fifty naira gala wrappers”.

This is the last straw.

My condoms are too cheap. Really?

I mean, who complains about the cost of the condoms as long as the sex is good?

I mean, a penis is a penis right?

Ok, I take that back…

But of course, now she can be selective.

Rather, now she can AFFORD to be selective.

Now she can. Or well, Chief “I don’t know his name but he has plenty money” can.

She always did like good and expensive stuff, but she knew I couldn’t afford to buy them for her.

Is that the only reason why she did it?

Was it only for the money?

Someone call me naïve (sharrap there!), but it isn’t all supposed to be about money is it?

What about love?

What about feelings?

I always treated her right. Loved her, respected her, never cheated on her.

No, I’m serious. I never cheated. Let’s just say my penis was working in line with my heart on this one.

Speaking about my penis, she always called him her “Boy Wonder”.

So I KNOW the sex was good.

Wasn’t that enough? Love? Good sex? What happened to the “Power of the P…”?

Oh…wait…that only applies to women doesn’t it?

I told my friend about it when I found out.

He said: Love, respect, and a well-functioning penis can’t buy Prada bags and expensive condoms…

I thought I’d be able to handle it…maybe forgive her…maybe let her be.

But then, on Wednesday, Boy Wonder wouldn’t get up for her.

It was strange. I guess he was working with my heart again.

I thought it was just a slight problem…a temporary glitch…

But then, it happened… (Or I should say it didn’t happen again) on Friday

And this morning, when I finally got it up, she said she doesn’t like my condoms.

My condoms are too cheap.

Really?

Hey guys, have to say a huge thank you for all the great comments we received yesterday. Here’s scene 3 & 4 dwelling on issues even more common in our society today. Too many times the menfolk get all the blame whenever they cheat, but maybe, just maybe there’s more to it. And as for the cheap condoms, I’ll let you guys comment on that. Use the comment box and speak your mind. Cheers.

The Penis Monologues Remix (Scene 1 & 2)

Scene 1: Limp (By @JCphoenixx)

I used to pride myself on customer satisfaction.

The sounds of content that involuntarily escaped the lips of every one of my conquests

The sighs.

The moans.

The pleading.

The violation of the third commandment.

The look of amazement as I thrust them over the line of ecstasy.

They say you never know what you ‘Hard’ till its gone.

That’s all I can think about as I lay here – LIMP.

I used to be more than this.

I’m a successful man, but I’d trade it all to be able to command a rush of blood to my penis at will, without having to resort to blue pills.

“What’s wrong darling”? She asks.

Her voice irritates me. I think I detect a hint of sarcasm.

Can’t believe I found her attractive.

She’s lying there, looking at me. There it is! The beginnings of a smile!

“What! You can’t get it up”? She says.

“Fuck you” I say.

But deep down, I know I won’t. Can’t.

Scene 2: The drunk (By @SheriphSkills)

*hic

Bobo no go die unless *hic

Du du ke du… du ke…

*hic

What? What?

Why are you all looking at me as if I killed Jesus…

Oh, she sent you abi.. You are all here to mock me. Mock us.

Me and my penis .

Junior you hear that? They want to mock us…

Hahahahahahahahaha…

Well… *burrrppp

I have news for you… Weee don’t carrreee…

So my wife sent you.. She’s always jealous of me sleeping with other women.

She keeps forgetting how I came to marry her.

*hic

My dear wife Ronke, what a gorgeous woman she is.

Very domineering… she rides me like a warrior on his stallion..

We met at a bar. Suraju the bartender had blessed me four times with my usual – Senior Udeme…

She sat alone in the corner sipping that Oyinbo green bottle – Heineken

I like my women a little meaty and at size 10, she was well endowed and perfect.

She just had her heart broken by some idiot. Don’t blame the blind fool.

We got talking easily and after introducing her to Udeme, we both downed two bottles each and then other juices began to flow.

We flew my Honda Chairman to my house and it wasn’t until I saw Morufu, my resident rat laughing at me as I opened the door that I realized how inebri .. inbreni..

*hic

Inebriated I was …

I tried to take charge but erm.. Rolake… I mean, Ronke… hiss, Ronke jo…

She was too heart broken and in no time she was galloping me away…

I woke up in the arms of my 300 kg lover the next morning.

Yes o.. 300 KILOGRAMS.. Apo iresi mefa (3 bags of rice) .. *hic

No wonder I couldn’t take charge…

Baby Yetunde came 9 months after and further ENLARGED our coast..

*hic..

So you see why we don’t care?

What’s the worst you’ll do, you’ll call me irresponsible, you’ll call me a drunk?

And I’ll respond…

*singing*  – Ma jaye ori mi.. *hic.. emi o meyin ola o… (I will enjoy my life because I don’t know what tomorrow will bring)

*hic

There you go guys. First two scenes from the penis monologues. I’m sure most guys can relate to both scenes (yes, MOST.. even the first). It’s time to hear from you. To share your thoughts, opinions and erm… (praises for the awesome writers), use the comment box. Cheers.

50 things that make Nigeria: NIGERIA

Tomorrow marks the 50th anniversary of the Nigerian independence. There’s been a whole lot of noise going on everywhere about the celebrations but I’m sure a lot of people really only care about the amount of days declared work free. Anyways, not to be left out, I have decided to do a special to commemorate the ‘special’ anniversary.
Now, all through the week I’ve heard all sorts of countdowns – on the radio, TV, newspapers e.t.c…Top 50 Nigerian songs, Top 50 Nigerian personalities. Top this, top that. I wanted to join the bandwagon but being me, I decided to do something different (without necessarily rebelling and going negative)…
So, I’ve compiled my own list (not a count down) just a list of 50 things that make Nigeria: NIGERIA. Enjoy.

1. Okadas: Some love them, some hate them. These guys have been around since (I cant even remember). Yes, they make driving a nightmare but I’m sure they’ve also saved lives amongst other good things. Necessary evils?

2. Nigerian Grammar: I remember a few months back when #Nigeriangrammar trended on the micro-blogging site, Twitter. Only justifies its inclusion here. The way we come up with our own words, phrases e.t.c is amazing.

3. Traffic culture: Loud, I mean, LOUD car horns blaring, people yelling, hawkers whizzing left and right, all because one person has refused to back-up for the other. Just one of the many scenarios that could lead to traffic here.

4. Airports: Discovery channel once had a show on this – crazy.

5. Food: I could have picked specifics but, from our pounded yam to white soup. Banga to ewa agoyin, Tuwo to dodo ikire e.t.c et.c…. the variety of delicious delicacies is amazing even though most of us still believe we don’t have that much.

6. Languages: hmm..ever heard a Calabar man and a Yoruba man argue in their local languages side by side? So different but both from the same country.

7. Dressing: Dansiki, Iro & Buba, Gele of different shapes and designs and when we go formal or non-native attires, we kill it. True. Sometimes we are sooo good at it, we over do it and kill the trend….did I hear someone say jeggings?

8. Militants? *Ahem….

9. Crude oil: The black curse? The black gold? You decide.

10. Women: I didn’t want to include this but a few foreigners have told me our women are unique in their own way. Don’t ask me cause I don’t know, maybe you can tell.

11. Music: This is an area constantly on the rise. The players are really raising the bar and I’m hopeful that soon enough, they will bring us more positive recognition globally.

12. Religion: Well, another touchy one. Predominantly Christian and Muslims but the unique thing is how we go about practicing these religions. #Nuffsaid

13. Weddings: If you have read my post on weddings (I’ll bring it back next-week) then you’ll know just how special this point is.

14. Parties: We celebrate at every opportunity we get. EVERY. Need I say more?

15. Culture: This point is definitely too broad. But whatever tribe you’re from or whatever part of Nigeria you represent, you contribute to this rich, rich culture of ours that always stands us out in any crowd.

16. Drinks: Give it to the homegrown beverages that have stood the test of time. We know how to get our drink on. Even the foreign beverages are adapted to meet the peculiarities of our people Ref: Udeme

17. Our Names: We don’t joke with these. Even though things are now changing and naming kids is now more of a trend thing, overall, one would say Nigerians go all out to give names that capture a lot.

18. Super Eagles: Err…lemme leave this one for you guys.

19. Our Police: hmmm…. I will also require help here as there’s just too much to say. Tuaale!

20. Politics: One word I think should be reviewed when it comes to Nigeria. We certainly don’t do it like any other country I’ve seen.

21. Fela: The legend. The icon? We still get a lot of relevance internationally because of him.

22. Nollywood: I could write a whole page on this but I will resist the temptation. Hate it, love it. It’s been here for a while and it sure isn’t going anywhere. It has also gotten us a lot of recognition internationally. We only pray and hope the improvement we all desire happens faster.

23. 419: Yes, this is one of the negatives that made it to the list. Some might argue but until something really drastic happens, this will still come up whenever people refer to Nigeria(ns).

24. Nigerian Military: Some might not know but our great nation’s military is highly rated internationally. I hear top ten worldwide. Can anyone verify this?

25. Agriculture: I’m sure a lot of us from this generation do not even know how blessed we are in terms of agricultural resources. This was our first love and we so need to go back to her.

26. Oshodi: Not what it used to be but the picture of what it was still fascinates most.

27. ‘Beautiful’ beaches: Notice the emphasis on beautiful. Included because of our beach-culture and not the beaches themselves.

28. Danfos: They will forever marvel me. They are like a culture in their own little way. The peculiarities of the drivers, the conductors, the art on the buses, the choice of music (if any) being played and the style of driving. Amazing.

29. Pidgin English: Some might say this isn’t so unique as some other African countries have it but pay a visit to the waffi kingdom and get back to me.

30. Aba: Though I’m yet to visit, stories and stories I’ve heard about this uber-commercial city justified its inclusion. Little wonder it also led to another global trending topic on twitter: #AbaVersion

31. Our Weather: Yes, we share similar weather with some neighbouring countries but I still think our weather is unique. Rain, sun, sun, rain, harmattan; what’s there not to like.

32. Football: The one thing that holds down this nation. WE DON’T PLAY WITH OUR FOOTBALL.

33. Lastma: before the non-Lagosians think I’m being biased, insert all the other crafted law-enforcement agencies and you’ll get the picture.

34. NTA: Yes, memories, memories, memories; unique in its own way. Not what it used to be though?

35. Our Map: I’m sure even the lay-est man on the street can probably come up with a drawing close to the original Nigerian map. It’s that unique.

36. Purewater: Hmm…you’d be surprised if you knew how many groups have won some sort of recognition internationally for documenting the uniqueness behind this simple simple product.

37. Niger-Delta: Some might say this is another negative one but I disagree. I believe one day, someday sooner than we all imagine, this region will receive positive attention locally and internationally.

38. Our Universities: Not the best in the world (don’t even come anywhere near) but pay a visit to any of them and you’ll probably know why.

39. Street hawkers: It might not be totally unique; there are street hawkers everywhere right? Well, its not the hawking, it’s the hawkers, the things they hawk and how they go about it. Truly amazing.

40. Garri: Garium solphide, gaf, sporks, g-flakes e.t.c. Call it what you want, one of our best exports.

41. NEPA/PHCN: I will also leave this one for you guys.

42. NTA News: In fact I should have just said News on TV generally; don’t know how to explain it, it’s just different.

43. Our Banks: If you’ve banked outside the country you’ll know what I mean.

44.  Fuel scarcity: Not so common anymore but whenever they come around, we all know what it means.

45. Our Newspapers: hmmm… Need your help here too.

46. Population: They say we are 150 million strong. I disagree. In my opinion, we are over 200 million.

47. Our Leaders: Touchy for me. Will also leave this for you guys.

48. Phone culture: Walk behind a black man talking on his cell-phone anywhere outside Nigeria and most of the time you’d know if he is a Nigerian.

49. Markets: I think our markets have their own uniqueness. Do you?

50. Our Elections: From 1993 to 1999, our elections always seem to leave everyone baffled (well, most people). Only God knows what 2011 will bring.

So, there you have it. I must confess coming up with this list wasn’t easy. I’m sure some will disagree with some of the points, well, hit me up with your comments and let me know the near misses (did I hear you say Jim Iyke?)………

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