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Our Best Friends Wedding: Episode 9: Chioma

Hey people.  If you haven’t been following the series, use this link here to read up on all you’ve missed and for those who don’t know, the series is jointly written by @cikk0 and I.

You might notice we have a new banner today, it’s because the good people of Barows 21 have decided to sponsor this category and every week, they’ll be giving out one free international magazine.

Today, the magazine will go to the first person to post the names of all the girls Charles has dated  so far in the right order. Goodluck.

***************************

Charles put down the phone. Kemi and Jade would hate him for this but it was the best thing to do under the circumstances. He looked down and into Jade’s stare. Those eyes, those crazy beautiful eyes. He opened the drawer from where it came and placed the old photograph back in. As he pushed the drawer shut, he looked at the empty picture frame on the table. He reached for it and pulled it open, the blank face turned out to be the back of a picture.

“Who am I kidding. I miss you like crazy. Eight freaking weeks.” Charles laughed. Every chuckle reeking with sarcasm. “I can’t do this anymore.” With that, he picked up his phone, dialed a number and lay back in bed listening on as the phone rang on the other end.

“Come on… please pick up.”

Charles listened till the tone stopped and then flung the phone to the other side of the bed in anger. Almost immediately, the phone’s message tone cried out and he quickly rolled across to pick it.

The text message read: “We are almost there. Don’t give up on me now.”

**********************

3 Days later

**********************

Kemi: Hello

Jade: Hello *giggling sound*

Kemi: erm.. what’s going on there? Can you talk?

Jade: *more giggling sounds* Hold on please. Give me a second.

Kemi holds on for what seemed like a whole minute before Jade returns to the phone.

Jade: Hallo

Kemi: Hmm… somebody seems surprisingly happy. What’s going on? Where have you been and who was that tickling you?

Jade: Wow, wow… easy cowgirl! One question at a time…

Kemi: Do I look like your mother? You’ve been totally A.W.O.L. for the past three days. I’ve been worried shitless and you’re telling me to calm down?

Jade: Awwhh… I’m sorry Sister Kemi. I just needed some me time. I needed to get away.

Kemi: And you ‘got away’ with whom?

Jade: *giggles* Well, you know that offer Mayowa put on the table a while back?

Kemi: Oh no you didn’t. You stowed away to wallow by having sex with your ex?

Jade: Correction: Wild. AMAZING. Sex.

Kemi: I’m listening.

Jade: I can’t talk much. He’s in the bathroom but I can’t lie: he just seems so different Kemi. He’s been talking non-stop saying things like if I decide to come back I better be ready to be his Mrs. and have his babies this time. It’s all just so amazing.

Kemi: erm.. ok.. so I’m blushing for you here even though I’m still mad you were getting your nookie on. Especially since I couldn’t totally enjoy the Captain because I was worried about you.

Jade: awwhh.. that’s just so sweet..

Kemi: Abeg abeg gerrout jo! I’m going to look for my Captain. Sha use protection.

**********************************

Later that evening… Point hotel’s Tiki Bar

**********************************

Charles is seated at the bar with Promise.

“Wow. Oh bobs, you try oh. I’m not sure I would have been able to go down with this whole thing.” Promise shook his head as he spoke.

“Well, I guess that’s why they say love makes you do crazy things.” Charles responded. Both men slowly sipped from their glasses and then Promise shook his head again.

“Hmmph.. love sha. Doesn’t that also define you and Chioma? Or where is she in all of this?” Charles looked away from Promise and seemed to be in shock as he spoke. “She’s there.” Promise laughed mildly in response… “There where? She dey your room?” “No, she’s there. Behind you. Walking towards the restaurant.”

Before Promise could spin around to take a look, Charles was off his stool walking fast towards the restaurant. When he got to the door, he stood still for a few seconds surveying the room and then, like a hunter spotting his prey he began walking towards a table.

“Miss Chioma Okafor. How typical. You, dinner alone in the corner of the room, sipping a glass of Red Muscadel. Yup, this is you alright.” Chioma didn’t respond. She watched as Charles sat in the chair opposite her.

“And this is so typical of you. The ideal gentleman to the world except those of us who really know you,” she countered.

“Well, what can I say, the people who really know us accept us with our faults.”

They both stayed silent for a few seconds staring at each other as if taking mental pictures. Charles spoke first. “You look real good. I guess the fashion industry isn’t as bad as they say it is nowadays.” Her retort was swift:

“Well, I guess I can say the same about you. Lying, I mean; advertising has always been profitable.”

“Oh, by the way, I hope you’re not really waiting for a guest, I could…..” Charles trailed off,

“Oh, come off it Charles. I’m here, you’ve found me, what is it you want to say to me?”

“I just want to know why? Why have you been running? I thought that was my thing? Were we together for so long that you picked up just more than the name of your clothing line from me?”

“Me, run? I’m sure you know me better than that?

“Then what has been going on?”

Chioma took a sip of her drink, smiled and then looked at Charles. “Have you finally told that poor girl the truth? “ She asked.

“What are you talking about Chioma?”

“Stop it Charles. When will you stop this? You need to tell Jade the truth and stop living in denial.  I chose to opt out of your little game because I knew you hadn’t confronted her. It’s just not fair Charles.”

Charles looked into Chioma’s eyes and for a second he was transported several years back – sitting on his student bed in his hostel room with Chioma sitting across him. Crying. He covered his face with his hands and took a deep breath as he remembered Chioma walking out of his hostel room.

Chioma reached out and touched Charles’ hand on the table. “Charles, you’re one of the only two men I’ve ever truly loved, that’s why I can’t help telling you the truth… And please just stop with that look already.”

“I’m not… this isn’t … Can I please get a hug?” Chioma looked away rolling her eyes. “No, I’m serious Cee… “this one has really really gotten to me.” Chioma got off her seat and Charles walked into her open arms hugging her tightly. After what seemed like forever, he pulled back just enough to stand face to face with her. Moments passed and Charles moved in for a kiss…

******

At Night.

********

Jade: Hello…

Kemi: What is it?

Jade: hahaha… I can see I interrupted something..

Captain: Yes you did. Can you please leave me and wife alone.

Jade: Aye aye, Captain. Just give me a minute.

Kemi: So?

Jade: So, have you heard from Charles?

Kemi: He’s been calling nonstop but I haven’t picked. Is that why you pulled a nookie intruder on me?

Jade: *laughs* Ok, ok, I’m sorry but I guess you can pick his call now. I’m over that. Lets move on to his next girl and see where he’s going with all of this.

Kemi: Good lawd! The power of the D – I – C – K!

Jade: Sharrap jo…

Kemi: Ok, I’ll send him Taiwo next then.

Jade: Ok. Cool… now, as you were.

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Our best friend’s wedding: Episode 1

Hey people, trust the weekend is going on well. As promised yesterday, here’s the revised pilot of the series. From here on, we’ll have shorter and more reader friendly episodes (I pray). As always, I’ll appreciate any form of feedback. Cheers.

*Ring *Ring

“Will you just find me an educated midget.”

*Ring *Ring

“I can’t do a show on vertically challenged people without talking to a midget can I?”

*Ring *Ring

“Arrrghhhh stop ringing gaddemit.

“Let me call you back.”

Hello

I did it! I did it Kemi.

Oh, Charles I’m sorta in the middle of something… can I…

I just did it Kemi…

What did you do?

I bought a ring…….. I just went and bou—

A what?

You did what?

I bought a ring!

What kind of ring? For what? For who?

Well, that’s what you’re going to help me figure out.

Kemi

I looked up to see Charles’ pearly white teeth grinning at me as he held open the door to my office with one arm while he clutched on to an opened jewelry box with his other hand. Oh, manners. Hi. My name is Adekemi Manuel. Host of “The Late Late Night Show With Kemi”, daughter to His Royal Highness, the Ooni of Ife and wife to Captain Babatunde Manuel. We’ll get to that later.  Standing at the door to my office is Charles.

Charles: “Well, don’t just sit there. Are you just going to …. What are you doing? Who are you calling?”

Kemi: Hello…

Jade: Hey, Kemi, can I call you right back, I’m kinda in a tight position right now”

Kemi: Well, let me make it tighter for you – Charles bought a ring?

Jade: A what?

Kemi: Yes, you heard me right, he bought a WEDDING ring.

Jade:  For what? I mean for who? ……. Whaooooooo … ouch.. Oooouuuuccchhh…

Kemi: Err…  Jade, are you ok?

Jade:  Ooooouuuch… Yes, I’m fine, I only almost just fell off an elephant.

Charles: Elephant? Where on earth are you this time?

Jade: Oh, so you’re there……. I’m in India; traveling with a UN team and I hope that ring is for Sandra.

Jade:

 Jadesola Adeyemi. The most selfless person I know, possibly the most selfless person in the whole world. She’s always in one place or the other somewhere in the world helping people and almost always forgetting about herself. More about her later..

Kemi: You mean Tara…

Jade: Oh, there are just too many of them.. but, yes, her…

Charles: Oh, hell no.. she has manly feet and that spooky sound she makes when she sleeps….not happening …

Kemi: Just stop. Stop it Charles. Why did you buy a ring if you have no one to give it to. Is this all a joke?

Charles: Well…. I’ll turn 30 in about ten weeks from today …. I visited my mom yesterday and she just…. she said somethings and I thought, what the heck, it’s time.. I’m matured enough… I’m ready…. so I went out and bought a ring.

Jade: Kemi, please slap him for me.

Kemi: Gladly.

Jade: So that’s just why you bought a ring?

Kemi: wait, so, now what do you want from us.

Charles: Seeing as you guys are my bestest friends in the world and probably know more about me than anyone else, I’ve decided that you’ll help me make the decision.

Jade: huh? Is he being serious?

Charles: I know how hard a task it can be, considering my erm… past … and present… but here

(Charles brings out a folded sheet of paper from his pocket).

I call it, my “deed map”… On it, I have 19 names of girls I’ve been with at some point in my life and a little background information – most of which I’m sure you already know, if you can remember that is – well, I was aiming for ten but I just couldn’t… – so, 19 gurls and I need to eliminate 18 of them before my birthday so I can propose.

Oh, one more thing, this isn’t the bachelor – this is my life so, better take it seriously.

Kemi: You can’t be ….serious..

(Kemi said with her mouth wide open as she further examined the “deed map”)

Jade: I’ll be back next tomorrow.

Charles: That’s the spirit.. Oh, I’m late for a lunch date. I’ll talk to you girls later. Ciao

Charles

Charles Effiong. Youngest Ad Agency Creative Director in the country. Successful smooth talking mutherfucker; mini sex God, ladies man and best friend to Jade and I for almost 10 years. This might sound like a joke but I know when Charles is serious and this is one of those times. God help us.

 

*3 Days Later

 

Jade: Kemi, have you even read this …this thing he calls a list?

Kemi: yup..

Jade: How did some girls get on this list. I mean.. Eno?  Isn’t that the one who couldn’t climax?

Kemi: Well, quit talking like you don’t know your friend is Captain Save-a-ho

Jade: This is marriage we are talking about Kemi… forever and ever…

Kemi: shush.. quit talking like marriage is some life imprisonment sentence.. there is something called ‘divorce’ remember? And as sad as it might be, if a time comes when he needs to use that exit card then he will and we will SUPPORT him as his friends.

Jade: his parents split up when he was ten.. he’s wanted to get married since then just to prove to them that it’s not so hard to keep a family together…

Kemi: well.. that was till he discovered his super powers ..

(I and Jade were now standing at the waiting area of Charles’ office watching him far off walking towards us with a light-skinned slim-figured lady walking alongside him)

Jade: Powers? Oh.. that?

Kemi: yup.. that.. colour-struck tadpole that he is.. look at how the girl is soaking him all up.. For all you know he could be giving her advice about her relationship

Jade: Or they could just be talking about work

Kemi: Work? Really? Come on, I’ve come around here too often to know that the actual amount of time these ad agency guys work is so little?

Jade: Anyways, he’s almost here… so who do we start with?

Kemi: Eno won’t be a bad start..

Jade: Seriously?

Kemi: Yes

Jade: Are you trying to ruin his future? I jus—-

Kemi: Nope. And that’s why I think we should knock off all the weak contenders first.. come on, you and I know he’s not going to propose to Eno

Jade: Err.. well… I was even thinking of imposing a no sex clause while all of this is going on..

Charles: No what? You do know sex is a veeeeeery important part of any marriage.

Kemi: Oh please, don’t preach to us like you do your victims. This is our show and we’ll run it how we want.

Charles: but but you guys—-

Jade: And don’t think we won’t know too.. I can smell your lies a mile away

Kemi: But we’ll cut you some slack and see just how well you behave for starters. You asked us to take this seriously so you also have to. We’ve come up with a plan..

Jade: We have? I mean.. yes, we have.

Charles: Good. It’s about time too. Lets hear it.

Kemi: Well, every week, we’ll pick two girls from the list. You’ll have to find a way to split your time between both girls during the week and at the end of the week you’ll send us a report.

Charles: Huh? A report?

Jade: You heard her right.. A report.

Kemi: A DETAILED report. I’m not talking bout your sexscapades. I’m talking pros and cons. If we’re going to do this, then we’ll have to go all the way down to details

Charles: Wow.. now I regret adding that ‘taking it seriously’ bit.

Jade: One more thing, during this erm.. period, please try to stay away from other women so you can focus. 19 women is more than enough drama already.

Charles: Ok with the rules already.. who do I begin with?

Kemi: Well, this week, you have … Eno and….

Jade: Erm… Shayo..

Charles: Shayo?

Kemi: My God.. don’t tell me you cant even remember the names of the people on your own list.

Charles: Of Course I can.. just erm… memories…

Jade: Well, keep them in the past and focus on now. So, are you going to start out with dates or what?

Charles: That’s my call isn’t it? Thank you ladies for your time; I’ll have your “report” in by Sunday.

Jade

As Charles ushered us out of the waiting room, I couldn’t help but imagine how all of this would end. I love him like a brother and wanted him happy but I secretly prayed he was truly ready for all of this.

Lay or stay?

Ok, so this really isn’t a post. It’s more of a survey but I didn’t just want to put up a poll. Now, a friend of mine sent me a link to this blog post on how men should totally call chics after shagging (especially if it’s the first time and if it wasn’t defined as a one night stand from the onset). Well, this got me thinking about the endless debate on how a lot of us seem to know exactly what is we want from someone seconds, minutes, hours or for some, days after that first encounter.

Now, don’t jump the gun, Im not going to tell you to do us a list (maybe I will). What I’m just trying to see is if we can all come up with an average amount of time for guys and also for the ladies for how long it’ll take you to know if he/she is a lay or a stay.

For frequent readers here, y’all will know I can be a very very picky person (even sexually). Well, thats me. A lot of guys I know care very little about how intelligent the carrier of the yoni they stick their shlung in as long as they don’t intend for her to have their kids. In fact, screw intelligence, some don’t even care if they look like shit and I guess for people like this, coming up with an average amount of time it’ll take to classify chics should be minimal – seconds perhaps???

As for the ladies, things could get a bit tricky since they probably take a lot more “non-physical” characteristics into consideration. (I could be wrong here). My guess is that in making her decision, she’ll like to know what you do, the kinda genes that run through your family (hell no) and yada yada yada.

Before, I get to the erm… “methodology” I’ll just share my opinion. Some will say, love grows on you and you need a lot of encounters before you can make that decision and I agree with all of that BUT, I’ll still stay except you’re hooking up/getting married for a reason you more or less have no control over (you knocked her up, his father is Dangote, he is Zukerberg e.t.c. e.t.c), the truth is, after a few encounters – and I say encounters because it doesn’t just stop at looks – you can conveniently tell which side of the coin anyone falls.

That being said, lets get into this. So, I’ll make it easy, before your comment, kindly state your gender and then how long you think it’d take to categorize a person as lay or stay. e.g:

*******

Male

15 seconds

Comment:

*******

 

Ok, there you go, speak your piece. Cheers.

Top 7 reasons to take off your wedding ring

I have heard people make the argument that you are never supposed to take of your wedding ring …What! Never take off your wedding ring? That’s craziness. So as a young unmarried bachelor, I have looked into my future and come up with my list of: When you can take of your wedding ring!
1. It’s itching
This is self-explanatory. Leave something on too long and the skin under it gets a little irritated. Let your finger breathe. Besides, if Meaghan Goode suddenly walks past me … I assume it would get really itchy and start to burn too.

2. Show someone the inscription
Assuming you got an inscription from your love one on the inside, won’t you want your best friend to see it?

3. You’re walking through the ‘hood’ and might be robbed
Not just any hood … I mean its got to be the ‘zanga’. Like where Thugnificent of “The Boondocks” grew up. Like anything might happen, the police don’t know the place exists, and babies selling weed. She’ll be mad if you don’t come home with it.

4. You’re about to get your finger licked by a stripper
Because it’s a stripper … its OK to get your finger licked (she a professional. Is your husband going to get jealous of your gynecologist?). But … not all strippers are to be trusted … so you might want to take of that platinum band before she wets your finger.

5. You’re smacking an ass that isn’t your wife
I respect the sanctity of marriage. Therefore, if you’re going to smack a random ass, perhaps one of the dancers at your friend’s bach eve, you should respect the ring and not befoul it with the ass sweat of another.

6. You’re cupping a stripper’s jugs
Again, its a stripper so its not wrong, and same principal as #5 … don’t befoul the ring.

7. To prove you “still got it” to hating friends.
If any of you watched Martin, there was an episode where Tommy and Cole told Martin that the only thing attracting women to him was his wedding ring and that he couldn’t “pull ‘em” like he used to. As a man, we have an obligation to prove our friends wrong no matter how dumb and pointless the challenge may be (had a friend who jumped through a campfire cause … well … another story). So he therefore took off his ring (and lost it) to prove to them he could still get women … which he did!

So there it is. If you are caught in photographs without a wedding ring, just refer to this handy list to quickly and easily justify the removal of the ring. Any other reason’s you can think of, please help out by leaving a comment. I know there has to be one I’m missing.

**Disclaimer**: This is a joke.  Leave your wedding ring on peoples.

 

Jacked from SBM

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