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Women

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Men lie, women lie.

I’m still recovering from the outcome of my last post, so we’ll get to that later. On to today’s business. You’ve probably read the title and wondered, well, that’s pretty much straight forward so what’s he on about? True. There was just no creative way to craft what I was going to write about so I said it the way it is. Men lie, women lie – we all lie. That’s life.

Anyways, my objective here is to see if it’s possible to narrow down what men or women lie about most to just one statement. Yes, a phrase/sentence – perhaps. Not a “thing”. Why would I want to try this seemingly impossible task? Well, maybe its my calling (shoot me), but then again, I had a dream the other day about winning the Nobel peace prize (category withheld). For the purpose of this discourse, I’ve come up with two statements, one for each gender. Here goes:

 

Women fall in love with ideas.

Some of you might have heard this, in fact, I think it’s a fairly popular saying but have you really given it a thought. I’m talking to the women now cause if this statement is true, you might just find out why men lie about the things they do. Ask a lot, no, A LOT of girls what that guy they’ve been seeing for a few months or even their boyfriend really does and you’ll probably get an answer like: “oh, Tolu is a banker.” Dig deeper and ask what unit? what exactly does he do there? and you might just be looking for trouble. It’s even worse when he’s a, somewhat successful entrepreneur. You’ll probably get something like “Emeka runs his own outfit” Ok, what do they do in his “outfit” – blank.

Don’t get mad just yet, I’m trying to build a case here. I have a friend (some of y’all might know him) some of you have read about human chameleons, well, lets just say he’s one. In his four years in uni I watched as he changed his course (not officially) from medicine to law to engineering to … depending on the requirements he needed for the girl he was seeing at that time. You could work into his room and a stethoscope would be dangling from his bed or you’d see him with huge engineering textbooks e.t.c.

To say he was more than successful with getting the girls (he wanted) would be an understatement. Some months after he graduated and I went to his crib. He was still job hunting and lived in a flat with friends. On that day, he was expecting a girl and I was amazed as he went round all the rooms lending one electronic gadget or the other. I walked into his room later to see it transformed. He laid out about 6 remote controls on his bed and I noticed a loose cheque leaf sticking out of a book by his bed. The cheque leaf was his, written out to one of our other friends; 500k. I shook my head thinking surely, this wasn’t going to work right? He looked at me then and said, “all na idea“. Hours later, as the girl (who turned out to be a… erm… “socialite”) walked out of his room, I thought to myself…. ideas…hmmm…

 

Men fall in love with pictures.

Well, maybe the more appropriate word would have been paintings. Why? Because as much as you can manipulate a picture taken with a camera, there’s a limit to what you can do. But with a painting, the painter is in control. By painter, I mean women. The canvas? Their bodies. The paint colours, may range from simple makeup to body magic or 90210 (depending on how much of a painting you’re looking at creating). I guess I’ve spoken somewhat extensively about this topic here.

I’d just like to add a new angle. Men fall in love with pictures but they also sometimes paint these pictures themselves. Let me explain. When a guy gets serious with a girl, he wants to know everything and I mean EVERYTHING he can about her. Why? He’s painting that mental picture of you and him hanging out with his friends, his parents e.t.c. He’s imagining what his kids from you will look like, how intelligent they’ll be. Any girl who knows this can easily lie manipulate her way into his heart. And I’ve seen it happen too. The only question is how far is she willing to go? Will you memorize the periodic table or

 

I think I’ll stop here. These are my statements. Can you come up with any or do you have examples/experiences that can help support mine, use the comment box, speak your mind. Cheers.

PS: This is my 50th post and I promised to celebrate this. I’m cooking up something, watch this space, better still, hit the subscribe button :).

Of cleavage, butt cracks, piercings and tattoos.

Hey people, hope we all had a great weekend. I have a bit to go over this morning so let’s just dive into it. There seems to be an endless argument between guys and gurls about the pros and cons for embracing certain fashion/not-so-fashion related features and I just thought it’d be good to settle it once and for all. Here we go:

Cleavage

It’s no secret that the average man is a visual being. We love to look and we’ll look even more when we see something we love. Boobs. No man can deny them (yes, even the self confessed ass men). That being said, with unofficial stats claiming there are now 9 women to one man, this only means there’s a lot of cleavage out there. The only thing that will make yours any different from the next gurl is: packaging. As much as we love to see, even the most unimaginative men I know love a little tease. The rule here for me: Leave something for us to imagine. Wear the low neck tops showing just about enough to get us thinking but for most men, when the V’s become wide U’s, the needle on that meter begins to sway in the “lay” direction.

Butt cracks

A couple of years back, this seemed to be the order of the day with our women. They blamed it on those low rise denims even though when I went deeper, I was told by some girls that as much as it started out unconsciously, they realized that it attracted some guys and hence they continued doing it. A good example occurred one day when I met up with a female friend at an eatery. As we waited for our order, a gurl walked in and sat right opposite us. The moment she sat down, she revealed a huge crack that ran all the way to the err.. vanishing point. It was a red flag, no one could miss it. And as my friend and I noticed it, she immediately made to get up to go and inform the gurl. The waiter brought our order just then and as I tried to stop my friend from getting up, the waiter chipped in telling her “Aunty, don’t disturb yourself, she knows what she’s doing, just leave her.”

My friend, being the “near-feminist” she is, ignored our warning and walked up to inform Miss Red flag. She returned moments later cursing and hating herself for not heeding our warning. Why? The gurl gave her the lecture of her life on minding her own business.

Piercings

This is another part I’m really hoping you guys will help me out with. From the little research I’ve done with guys, the opinions are almost unanimous. Let me break it down using ear piercings:

1 piercing = good girl, well brought up, wifey.

2 piercings = adventurous, fashionable/exciting girl, possible wifey

3 piercings+ = (red flag), borderline promiscuous girl, overly independent, LAY

Nose, eye brows, navel, tongue, lip piercings usually range between category 2 and 3 depending on the guy in question. I can already hear a lot of the ladies yelling. This is why we are here. I didn’t come up with this categorization alone, they are strictly based on random surveys I took.

Tattoos

Somewhat similar to cleavage as far as I’m concerned. Maybe I’m too much of a fan of the tease but I think I’d be more excited if upon meeting a girl she told me she had a tattoo “somewhere” and discovering it would depend on how well things turned out between us. This as opposed to me noticing a huge cross on her upper arm upon our first encounter.

A little butterfly at the “small of her back”, sensual words tracing her collar bone, little hearts somewhere below the navel… these are just some examples but you get the point. Call me old or stuck in my ways but except you’re some kind of celebrity or public figure, I really don’t think a huge red rose on your upper arm adds any value or does it?

This list keeps growing longer as I write but I think I’ll stop here so I can get feedback from you guys. Then again, maybe I should just add one more set: Anklets/Waist beads/Toe rings. (I can already hear one of my friends laughing). I really will not mind coming back home to a mildly lit room, sensual candles burning, some background Arabian music playing with my gorgeous girlfriend/wife dressed as an Arabian princess with waist beads and even an anklet on (yes, we endorse role play here) gently laying on the bed. This would probably get me excited for days but that’s where it should stop.

When things like that get outside the bedroom, it just sends the wrongest signals ever. Have you ever listened to a convo between two guys checking out a girl with visible waist beads? I can bet you 9 out of 10 of such convos will probably throw up the word sex more than wifey or even girlfriend. Don’t even get me started on toe rings, I’ll leave that for you guys.

So there you go, time to speak your piece, for the ladies, let us have your views on why you’d go with any of the things on my list and for the guys, what’s your take on the subject, do you share some of my views or not? Cheers.

 

Lay or stay?

Ok, so this really isn’t a post. It’s more of a survey but I didn’t just want to put up a poll. Now, a friend of mine sent me a link to this blog post on how men should totally call chics after shagging (especially if it’s the first time and if it wasn’t defined as a one night stand from the onset). Well, this got me thinking about the endless debate on how a lot of us seem to know exactly what is we want from someone seconds, minutes, hours or for some, days after that first encounter.

Now, don’t jump the gun, Im not going to tell you to do us a list (maybe I will). What I’m just trying to see is if we can all come up with an average amount of time for guys and also for the ladies for how long it’ll take you to know if he/she is a lay or a stay.

For frequent readers here, y’all will know I can be a very very picky person (even sexually). Well, thats me. A lot of guys I know care very little about how intelligent the carrier of the yoni they stick their shlung in as long as they don’t intend for her to have their kids. In fact, screw intelligence, some don’t even care if they look like shit and I guess for people like this, coming up with an average amount of time it’ll take to classify chics should be minimal – seconds perhaps???

As for the ladies, things could get a bit tricky since they probably take a lot more “non-physical” characteristics into consideration. (I could be wrong here). My guess is that in making her decision, she’ll like to know what you do, the kinda genes that run through your family (hell no) and yada yada yada.

Before, I get to the erm… “methodology” I’ll just share my opinion. Some will say, love grows on you and you need a lot of encounters before you can make that decision and I agree with all of that BUT, I’ll still stay except you’re hooking up/getting married for a reason you more or less have no control over (you knocked her up, his father is Dangote, he is Zukerberg e.t.c. e.t.c), the truth is, after a few encounters – and I say encounters because it doesn’t just stop at looks – you can conveniently tell which side of the coin anyone falls.

That being said, lets get into this. So, I’ll make it easy, before your comment, kindly state your gender and then how long you think it’d take to categorize a person as lay or stay. e.g:

*******

Male

15 seconds

Comment:

*******

 

Ok, there you go, speak your piece. Cheers.

What women want?

To begin with, if you came here looking for answers to the question posed in the post title, I’m sorry, but you can stop reading now. Yes, now. Truth is, if I knew the answer to this question, I would be either, (a), very rich, or (b), very dead. Seeing that I’m neither, you can rest easy knowing I’m just as confused as you are.

That being said, I shelved my initially planned post for this cause I was out with a bunch of friends on Saturday and on our way home, whilst stuck in traffic, conversation swayed to this topic. What really got me thinking was how everyone seemed to have their own opinion but before we arrived at our destination, one opinion seemed to have towered above the others.
So what do guys think women want?

A: Attention
As far as I’m concerned every woman just wants and needs the right amount of attention for her. Yes, it’s not the same for all women. Some are definitely more independent that others. While some want you calling them every chance you get, others just need to know that you’re alive. Does it have anything to do with age, upbringing, education or level of exposure? Probably. More like definitely. I don’t think most working women would require the same amount of attention as women still in the university.

Well, they shouldn’t, except for special cases where her work isn’t so demanding and she has so much time to kill. The bottom-line is, a simple phone call/text message/BBM message (depending on the level of the relationship) just to say good morning, one to see how the day is going in the afternoon and one last one (preferably a phone call this time) to wrap up the day, goes a long way. A lot of women hate the fact that guys only pay them attention when they want that poom poom. Even if that’s the plan, please try not to make it so obvious. Don’t call her out of the blues today and ask for her to come over to your crib the next day (well, except she’s err.. that kinda gurl).

B: Comfort
I just think it all boils down to comfort. Give a girl what she needs, when she needs it (maybe how too ☺) and you have her sprung. Agreed, it could be very costly depending on your taste in women. In fact, I hear the going rate for university gurls nowadays is no joke. Gone are the days when you just buy them a drink at Insomnia, have an amazing night and leave some change for them to get home with. Nowadays, a year two unilag gurl lets you know from the get go that she has to leave your transaction with a Bold 3 – nothing less.

However, this is what things have come to. Call it buying happiness or love or whatever but that’s reality. You’ve got to pay your way through the many movies at the cinema, the many lunch and dinner dates, the several comedy and music shows, don’t forget credit, money for fuel when you go pick her up and sometimes food and gifts for her friends too.

C: Future Security
Is this really that hard? I mean, if I was a woman I would want only one thing too: to secure my future. Period. She could go at it alone but since society and culture have more or less made it compulsory for her to get married, she might as well pick a man that would help further secure this future. Before you get all defensive and liken this to Mr. B above, selecting a man for the purpose of future security doesn’t always have to mean picking the currently richest guy on your case. Women have a gift some of them don’t even know. A woman can meet a guy for the first time, look into his eyes and see years into his future. Every woman can smell prospects from a mile away and that’s what they want.

She doesn’t event care if the wedding isn’t the one she dreamt of as a little gurl, when things are right, she could have another one. They even have a name for it (renewal of vows). She might not have a car as at the time of the wedding, but she knows that Bentley GT is coming. And for her kids, the best of the best of the best education. Trust me, if you have all of this covered, she will become totally blind to every other thing you do.

D: Control
Well, everyone has given their opinions and I guess I pretty much agree in one way or the other with all of you. But you see, all that you guys have said boils down to one thing – control. Every woman wants control over her man, over her brother and her son. Now when I say control, some might be quick to think of it as power. Well, power, yes, but not in the obvious (or manly) form. If a woman snaps her fingers and three men bark, that’s probably jazz. The kind of control I’m talking about is subliminal. The type some mothers use to convince their sons to take other wives or the type a wife uses to get her husband to pay for things without her asking.

This control is systematically gained over a period of time (the how? Is the big question here).  Some have said it’s through good sex, others have said through good food. I honestly do not know. But, women from the older generations learnt how to gain this control and also keep it. This is what women from our generation haven’t mastered, hence the huge amount of divorces out there.  I’ll give you an example:

A wife picks up her husbands BB and sees a message from him to another woman:

“please don’t break my heart”.

Upon returning, she questions her husband about the message. Husband responds and says:

“Its nothing really. Why all the fuss”.

Wife continues to pester husband and he says:

“but woman, why are you disturbing me, you know I’m naturally promiscuous, you’ve seen me with several other women before and you have never complained so what then is the issue this time”?

Wife answers:

I don’t give a damn about your other women. It’s her I want to know, and how come she has you talking about heartbreak.

This little excerpt was a true-life story. I’ve heard several others where women openly admit to knowing about their husbands cheating but really don’t care as long as they come back home to them. Now that’s control.

Well, so, there you go people (even though there was a lil’ voice between C and D that said: They just want to rip your heart out of your ass). Like I said, I really don’t have an answer to this question so maybe you can help me out, do you think any of my friends are right or you have your own answer, please let me know.  Cheers.

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